Advice?
My BF had his daughter over the weekend, he has her every weekend except for second of the month. I feel like I fill in the cracks for him. What I mean is I just feel like I fill in the cracks when she's not around. I never know for sure what is going on...I sit around and wait to see if he is going to ahve her or not. Such as this weekend, he didn't know until Sunday night whether he was going to have her on Monday. We've talked about this before, and he said he knows how I feel that he would talk to BM and find out plans ahead of time, so I know what I'm doing! We planned on going to beach on Monday by ourselves. then at last minute he finds out he is going to ahve her on Sunday night and Monday. He still asked me to go to the beach and I said I'll pass! I ended up going to the beach by myself. He called me on Sunday afternoon and asked me if I wanted to come over to his apartment and swim with them. So I went over, but felt terribly out of place. I don't know - maybe I'm jealous of a 13 year old. But they were all huggy and kissy in the pool. She kept hanging on her dad, and kissing him and stuff. I just didn't feel it was totally appropriate for a 13 year old who is developing fast to be so touch with her dad. He has said before that sometimes he doesn't feel comfortable either, but this time he wasn't stopping it in any way, and was I THOUGHT responding back. So anyway stayed a couple of hours and left. So do you think I'm jealous? Or do you think this kind of behaviour is appropriate? I didn't say anything to him about it. Maybe I'm making more of it and making myself feel inappropriate. I was disappointed he had her on Monday again. I was looking forward to him and I spending some time together by ourselves. After I left on Sunday and he hadn't said whether she was staying over or not. I called him and left a voice message, asking whether his daughter was staying over. He called back and left a voice message, I just found out M is staying over, which is good, but you don't sound too happy about it, sorry about that! WTF..sorry about that. Sorry everyone - just had to vent on this!
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Questions
I have a 12 year old daughter and she had a tough time during my divorce and even after. I was dating a lady for 4 years, about a year into the relationship she had dropped her kids off at her ex husbands and come over to watch tv. The show "Who Wants to Marry my dad" came on tv. My darling daughter pops up and says "Dad, you can be on that. Andrea and I will be the judges." Uh huh.
The ex gf always said she felt like she was competing -- she wasn't but that was a feeling she had.
How long have the two of you been dating?
I take that this is his only child?
Do you have children?
How long has he been divorced?
How active is her mother in his life?
Does he and his ex have a good relationship?
It took me almost four months to introduce this last gf into my daughters life. Dating someone with kids is hard, if he is worth it then the two of you will find that balance. It probably will not be easy to fnd that balance though.
Kevin
Little girls can be very possessive of their daddies.
And so can big girls. My eldest SD was quite the cling-on, as are most small children. But as she got older, it became uncomfortable for my DH and he had a talk with her about appropriate behavior for Big Girls. I thought I would have the same problem with my son, who's always been pretty clingy with me, but by the time he turned six or seven, he wouldn't be caught dead sitting on my lap! LOL I think there was a little jealousy thing going on, too, with my SD. She seemed like she wanted to compete with me a little. I just let DH handle it and it was fine. She seemed a little, well, standoffish with me at first, but after a while, she was cuddling up to me probably more than she did with DH. This girl, my SD, was really starved for affection because she'd never really gotten much attention of her own. (She has two learning disabled siblings who get all the attention.) I think there comes an age where we all have to explain to our kids about age-appropriate behavior, whether that's relative to displays of affection, doing chores, keeping up with schoolwork, etc. If dad isn't comfortable, then he should let her know in age-appropriate language that there comes a time when parents and children need to establish good, safe, healthy boundaries. And for dad's sake, he should really be careful that nothing is seen and misinterpreted that results in a report to CPS. It's a messed up world and totally innocent situations can sometimes be seen as anything but.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
Answer to questions. By the
Answer to questions. By the way thanks for your comments. We have been seeing each other for 3 years. I have been in the girls lives for a little over 1. He has 2 daughters, the 13 year old and one 18, who doesn't come over much anymore since graduation and turning 18. I have 5 grown step sons, 1 daughter who is 27. He's been separated for 5+ years, divorced for 2. BM is pretty active in his life, at least she tried to be. Calls all the time, usually about nothing. She lives with her BF and has for 4 years, ever since my BF quit paying the mortgage, she moved in immediately with her BF. So my BF wanted to spare the girls getting it on both ends, so to speak. He has never thought BM was a good role model, and hasn't shown the girls that a woman can make it on their own. She is the one who instigated the divorce by cheating on him for the past 2 years of their marriage and throwing it in his face. My BF and BM get along if he is giving her everything she asks for. She is constantly telling him that the younger daughter (13) will follow in her older sister's steps and decide not to come for visits any more. BM recently told him that the girls don't think he spends enough alone time with them. My question is how much time does she spend alone with them, they all live with her BF and his son. They all take vacations together, they never do things with just their mom. I am just angry because things can't be both ways with the skids, it's okay for mom, but not okay for dad. Anything you can share with me that might help me I would definitely appreciate.
Thanks.
Okay...
My original fatherly instinct is to jump in and defend the father/daughter relationship...
That being said, divorce is always hard. Sounds like your bf is dealing with one daughter who isn't coming to visit and the other who the bm is saying will eventually not come it visit. What a horrible place for a dad to be in...
Yet, the child is 13? Age does have an appropriate behavior and if you have been in their lives for a year, then its okay for the two of you to have time together.
I know that it sounds strange -- two people might want to give a good home to their children/stepchildren. The obivous (and wrong) answer that so many people do is to place their kids first. Yes, they are important, but how can you offer them a "happy" home if the parents aren't happy themselves?
Kids eventually leave the home -- to start their own family or to go to college, etc. So do two people live in different homes until the kids move out?
How much time do the two of you spend together alone -- is it enough to keep you happy?
Is this the only part of this relationship that bothers you? If it is, then maybe a discussion about "boundaries" will work.
In the end, dating is hard enough. The people involved have to decide whether the relationship offers what it takes to make them happy. There are "bumps" in the road that the two people can handle -- then there are "walls" right across the road that stop traffic (and relationships) dead.
How is the rest of the relationship? Likely the daughter will get more tired of being with the dad and go and do what teenagers normally do (God help us all). Is that enough for you? Can you wait?
Kevin
We do spend time together,
We do spend time together, during the week, we both work and have to go to bed at a reasonable hour and get up early to go to work. So that kind of lazing around without obligations isn't available to us too often. And I don't want to sit home every weekend while he is at his house with his daughter. We did that for almost 2 years...and I told him sometime ago, I'm not going to sit home anymore, either I do things with he and his daughter or I'll start going out with friends. He asked me 'does that mean your going to look for guys?' I said - 'look - no, but if someone happens to come along...' It was then that he started including me more in their plans, and I don't mean every minute of every weekend, just maybe 1 evening or 1 day activity. And never stayed over..we tried that once and his daughter, threw a fit and said it was wrong. and of course, he went with it. that's been almost a year ago! He asked me to give her more time..and I agreed! We talked about living together a year ago, and again this year before his lease and mine came due, but he just can't commit with the daughter feeling like she does...he is so afraid of loosing her..like the older one! Kevin, you and I both know that they grow up and move out and then there you are..sitting there by yourself..if you haven't continued to have an adult life while they are still at home! But I don't think my Bf thinks too much about that. I do appreciate a dad's input on this. Thanks for your help.
Want to add
that DH and I were in counseling together for awhile. One thing our counselor pointed out is the "happier" the marital relationship and the "parents" showing a "united front" will create less chaos in the kids' lives and they will fall into place in a more appropriate manner. These kids have already been through ONE divorce, they don't know if you're going to stay together or not... especially if you are living in a "divided" house (which WE most definitely were). It's not perfect now for us now, but it's something we work on all the time...
And yes, eventually the kids do grow up and move out... *hopefully*
It is what it is...