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How do you get over the crap...

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 5:51pm

How do you get over the crap that goes on through the years? My SO's daughters have said things, done things over the years, that I just can't seem to push them aside. I don't dwell on them with my SO, and I don't mention them again after they've happened, after I've voiced my displeasure. But I guess I hold grudges, just can't seem to get over a few things? For instance; the girls made a comment when I moved in with SO they felt my 'living standards' had gone up due to my living with SO. I said at the time, WTF business is it of theirs anyway. And no, it hasn't gone up, I was doing fine by myself. Then when the youngest went off to College we went to town she was going to school in and took up a car load of her stuff, as BM and her BF did. At the last minute she calls SO and tells him that she only wants it be HIM and BM moving her in. I never asked, but I'm sure BM's BF was there helping out. My SO was really pissed about that, but of course it is his child, and easier to forget. There have been other things too. But these are the 2 that stick in my mind and don't think I can ever forget them. What do you do to move on?

Comments

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 6:03pm

I don't know, but if it's any comfort you are not alone. I find it hard to let go of old resentments. There are things that happened with my steps years ago that still make me burn when I think about them. I think it's the lack of control and the fact there's often no resolution or clearing of the air. You just sit on it and try to move on, but at intervals it bubbles back up.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 8:01pm

i agreeith bojangles. it's the fact that they never own up to their atrocious behavior or feel any regret or remorse at having treated a human being that way. it doesn't mean you're holding a grudge. sd accuses me of that. no, i don't have a grudge against her. i don't care enough about her to have a grudge. to me, i would have to care about someone before they could upset me to the point of holding a grudge. what it is for me is knowing that she is toxic and is never going to change. that's why i don't let her back in. it would only be more of the same if i did.

she celebrated me losing a baby after having a meltdown that i was pregnant at all. she was 17. plenty old enough to know better. then less than 3 years later, she is pregnant and expects me to be over the moon about it. when she learned that i was not over the moon and had no desire to be involved in any way at all due to what she did to me, she got pissed and started telling me how unhealthy it was for her and fdh for me to "shut her out". i guess it never occured to her that it wasn't exactly good for me to have her celebrating the death of my unborn baby. but, it's always about her and she is the only one who matters. she had the nerve to tell me what i owe it to her to be doing for her while she was pregnant. :O fucking clueless rotten bitch. so she says i'm holding a grudge and should be over it. i don't get over anyone celebrating the death of my unborn. and i damn well don't just forget about someone treating me that way.

i have 100% completely disengaged from her, right down to not even looking at or speaking to her. believe me, she notices it and it pisses her off to no end. }:) even after what she did, i still talked to her and never brought it up. it was only after her telling me what i need to be doing for her and trying to guilt trip me about harming her and fdh by not jumping at her command, and telling me to get over what she did, without so much as an apology that i cut her out of my life completely. if that's what you gotta do, do it. it's the best thing i've done and i will NEVER go back on it.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 8:43pm

when the day comes that she experiences a real loss, i will not be there for her. if she ever goes through a miscarriage, she better not think for one minute that i'm the one to come to. but she will. just like she thought i was the one to come to about pregnancy and breastfeeding. just because i've been thru something and have experience with it does not mean i owe her any benefit of my experience. the day will come that she will pay for what she's done.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 5:40pm

It is truely appalling that your SD couldn't summon up an ounce of empathy or just basic tact in that situation, and I am not surprised you can never forgive her. Sometimes you really just wish that they get to experience it for themselves so they understand what they did.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 6:03pm

I don't know, but if it's any comfort you are not alone. I find it hard to let go of old resentments. There are things that happened with my steps years ago that still make me burn when I think about them. I think it's the lack of control and the fact there's often no resolution or clearing of the air. You just sit on it and try to move on, but at intervals it bubbles back up.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 6:15pm

Well I forgive ... but I don't forget.

Be nicer than they are but hold them at arms length.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 6:18pm

I gave DH's kid several opportunities to redeem herself. Unfortunately she continued to malign me until she got what she wanted. She burned her bridges.

At that point I closed myself off from her. She has since tried to reignite a relationship with me, but I no longer trust her. Nor do I wish to have a relationship with her outside of the polite one we have now.

I can't get past the behavior of the past and I'm okay with that fact. DH has a relationship with her and that's all that matters. She is not my child and it's no longer necessary for me to have a relationship with her.

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 6:29pm

I try to move on but I never forget how terrible SD treated me in the beginning. Its part of the hatred and resentment that I hold for her. I know she hates me, I know she is jealous of me, I know all the terrible things she goes around saying about me, I know all the terrible things she has said about me and DD in the past. She is just ugly on the inside. It makes me not want to ever do anything nice for her. I don't like her and I never will.

I know when she finally moves her ass out of our house I will not have a relationship with her.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 6:33pm

"When someone shows you who they are - believe them." Maya Angelo

This is excellent advice. Now I am not talking about a 6 year old who throws a temper tantrum and says something mean. But I like to think of it this way - if a child is old enough that a prosecutor could have them charged as an adult they are old enough to "know better".

This is why you don't forget past trespasses by adult or near adult skids. If they can be hideously mean once they reach the age of reason - that is who they are. Believe them.

Once people have somewhat matured if they are crappy human beings most likely they will always be turds. Yes people can change - but honestly you can TELL when someone truly changes for the better. Just saying a few words means nothing.

It is not that you are holding a grudge over some trivial issues in the past. Your SDs are truly not kind, considerate, nice people. Recognizing that is not holding a grudge. It is what it is. They are what they are.

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 6:56pm

"When someone shows you who they are - believe them." Maya Angelo

I like this.

Yea, your all right, these girls were old enough to know what they were doing. I just wish their father wouldn't forget these things so fast. He gets angry at the time and agrees with me, but it passes and again, they can do no wrong!

I don't have much relationship with them, never have. Just a fake hug and how are you when we see each other. they are too spoiled and entitled for me to give them any respect.

thanks for all your input!

sterlingsilver's picture

Submitted by sterlingsilver on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 8:18pm

My ex showed me who he was and it took me a couple years to believe him. but he kept showing me and I am finally a believer!! No really in all seriousness, a person does show what they are and they usually don't stray too far from that. My ss19 is the kind of person I could not stand living with and will NEVER EVER trust him. Even DH doesn't trust him. But I have decided that though he hurt me and I will never trust him again, he will not change and I will not change my perception of him and WILL keep my distance and leave it at that. I could talk myself blue in the face to him to try to show him what he's done wrong and he'd always turn it around to make me look like the bad guy. My ex did that to me also and it's a pointless effort.

JMC's picture

Submitted by JMC on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 12:41pm

Coconut, you just described my SD to a tee! She pulled all of this crap with DH and me; the calling constantly, the "I can't sleep" bit, crying, the threatening to cut herself, the counseling b.s., only being nice when she needed something from me. SD wished me dead several times in front of her friends (with DH & I present). I just can't let some of it go, as hard as I try. It's like sitting on a volcano. I tried hard for several years but the best year has been this last one when I gave myself permission to just not give a rat's behind what they said or did. When I stopped reacting to their b.s., it slowed down. But it's hard to do especially when something triggers those memories of being mistreated for so many years. Man, I love this site!

Sweetnothings's picture

Submitted by Sweetnothings on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 3:13pm

I agree with a lot of the comments on here, about how you don't get over it. Not really. What happens is you learn to cope with it, however that is, and it gets parcelled up, what you do with it after that is an individual thing. Some people like to put it down to experience, others may burn it away, some may hide it away and forget about it. Some like my DH seem to be able to forget the shit they wrapped up in lovely rose tinted wrapping paper and then squirted with a crappy perfume, so next time he comes across it, at least it'll smell nice !! Lol !!

I'm pi**ed off with my DH at the mo, because he still believes that everything will be solved if I re- engage . ( he doesn't say that, but it's what he's hinting at )

Even after all this time, I guess I am going to have to remind him, that yes, I have moved on, I don't allow toxic people to remain in my life, acting like emotional entitled vampires....... No .....

I don't hate these people, I'm just....resigned to them and what they are.....