Paging custodial stepmothers...HELP
I'm wondering why I continue to feel like crap. The job of step-parent is hard enough. Is it harder when you are the custodial stepmother? I've really hit a rough patch and I'm not sure I know how to fix it. Long story short...I get the blame for everything. SD's(10&6) get disciplined, it's my fault. School is too much pressure, it's my fault. IT'S MY FAULT B/C I PAY FOR A PRIVATE EDUCATION? I've really had it. Their BM is a psycho. She's no help. She thinks life should be fun and the girls should dance 4 nights a week. WHOOOO FREAKIN HOOOO. Then they can grow up like her and live in an apt. with strippers like she does. Sorry, but that is true. My DH disciplines then they tell their crazy BM that I did something like "hit them, take tv from them, you name it, I do it." BM threatens me (via phone) in front of the girls and they still throw me under the bus thinking they will somehow get something out of it. They say they don't want to live with her. My DH won't make them live with her. My BD14 has to live with all this drama. WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH? I'm resentful because I do everything for them and get NO respect. And financially they are taking from me - their BM won't pay for education or much of anything so it falls on me. I bring in more $$ than DH. HOW DO I FIND PEACE??? I know it's not about the $$. I love these kids but the constant threats from BM and SDs blaming me for everything is really putting a strain on my marriage. Advice pls??
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family counseling
make all who live in your home go to family couseling and work through this. they are just playing games, manipulating all situations because that is all they can do. once you quit letting it bother you (on the outside) they may let up. I think they know they irritate you and will keep doing it until they get a "life" - BM included.
I was custodial sm
and it was next to impossible to achieve respect from ss. The problem that I see you having is boundary issues, you sound like you are taking on too much responsibility for your husbands' kids, which a lot of us do. I have done it, and many others on this site have done it.
Your skids are always going to throw you under the bus when it comes to their parents, that my friend is not going to change unfortunately. Your skids know their mother wants to hear negative things about you, they know their mother thrives for unbalance and chaos, furthermore, their mother doesn't know what respect is, therefore she can't teach her kids to respect other adults.
First, when other people called my house demanding an explanation of how I run things, I let them know it's none of their business. How you operate your house is up to you and dh, and no one else. If others have a problem with you disciplining children that live in your house, then those children can go live with those people. You don't owe anyone an explanation of how things operate in your home. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and children to find the correct balance for your home, and if others perceive you to be too harsh, that is their problem. You don't have to walk on eggshells b/c some stripper doesn't want you teaching her kids what she can't teach them.
Second, when those phone calls start coming in, screen them with caller id and an answering machine. BM's don't have authority to yell, or disrespect you on the phone just b/c her kids live there. She gave up her rights on how those kids were going to be raised on a daily basis, when she decided to relieve herself of custody of those kids. Furthermore, she gave up her rights to who their father was going to surround her children with when she decided to end her relationship with their father. When you divorce, break up, whatever, you give up complete control of your children's childhood when those kids go live/visit the other parent. Kindly remind her of that.
Third, you really need to work on the resentment part. You are not feeling valued over the incredible amount of work and effort you are giving towards these kids. And you probably aren't looking for appreciation from the kids, but rather their father. This is something I suffer from, so I can totally relate. Set some boundaries for yourself as to how much you are willing to do, and let dad know you need him to do more for his kids. Let go of some of the responsibility you signed yourself up for.
I hope I helped,
Candice
One last thing
When we learned that ss was running to his room to talk shit about his dad and I to anyone he called, that is when we started to take phone priviledges away. We also made him call his mother/grandmother on the phone and speak to them in our living room where he had to share his conversation with those people in front of us.
He would go to his room and tell straight up lies about us, and then they thought they were going to rescue him. Once we started making him speak in front of us, it curbed the lies to him being in their presence w/o us.
Try that to see if it helps.
Candice
I agree with the limited phone privileges
SD plays the "I want to call my mom" card whenever she's mad at us, or bored and out of phone privileges. This is because she thinks we aren't allowed to say no. We now tell her that she must call her mom when it's convenient for us and she is not allowed privacy. It has reduced the calls.
The reason we reached this point was because BM never let SD call DH even if he called first. BM would accuse DH of phone harassment for calling and leaving a message to talk to his daughter. Over the years SD has been trained not to ask to call us, now she says she doesn't want to call us, but I think like I said, BM conditioned her to be this way. So we aren't feeling bad for limiting the calls to BM. It's disruptive and annoying to hear SD call to dictate to BM what her itinerary, menu, shopping requests are for their time together.
Last Fri SD demanded to call BM. I said, "You're seeing her in an hour and a half you can talk to her then." She pleaded that she needed to ask her something that couldn't wait. Finally she admitted that she wanted to ask her if she could go to a movie with her friends that night. Ummm.....SD is grounded, and in so much trouble that she was SUPPOSED to be grounded at both houses (BM agreed to this.) So I called DH, told him what was going on and he said, "Absolutely NOT."
SD did get to go with her friends Sat, but at least we contributed to her not going Fri night.
Peace, love, and red wine
Your living my exact nightmare.
Only I cant get support from DH. He allows SD to talk all the @#! she wants to who she wants. "She doesn't really understand" he tells me due to her LDs. Which is bull. I work with disabled children, autistic children and my own son is Mod. MR. She knowsexcatly what she is doing.
You have really good advice candice, THXS! and good luck stepmom_c
it is .....
first of all why are you paying for private school? and why are the kids not living with their mom? and yes, I believe in the end it does come down to money.
Anonymous
My BD was at the private school when DH & I got together and so we put 2 SDs there (this is their 3rd year there). Thought it would be easier with all being at the same school and they had to change schools anyway because we all moved (I sold my house, he sold his house, we bought a new house...fresh start kind of thing). Their Mom doesn't have kids b/c she didn't want them. She signed "joint" with my DH having primary residence and primary legal so basically she has EOW with permission to take kids to dance a few times a week. She just didn't want the responsibility and she's unstable.
To answer on the schooling...
Long story short it was where my BD was going at the time and it's religious based. DH shared the same religious beliefs and thought it would be beneficial to SD's. There are some advantages but you have to be willing to want them (study) and I am getting the complaints because they blame me even though they love the school. Their BM doesn't care if they bring home all F's as long as they can dance.
Candice, wow. Thanks for all your input. You definitely know where I'm coming from. I'm just scared I can't find a peaceful middle ground in this situation and I'm exhausted. My DH does "follow" them when they are on the phone if they try and walk away. Funny thing is he hears her telling SD's "get up from the dinner table, walk upstairs, make your stepmom mad and so on..." Luckily she doesn't often call them so that's not as big of a problem. All the phone calls are about me or DH and they are to DH. She never calls just to see how their day went. It's pathetic.
Thanks for all of your input. It really helps.
Sometimes I get great relief
in just complaining about my life, and then when it's off my chest, I'm all better. So maybe just write here more often, complain as bad as you want, and see if you feel more relieved.
Also, sometimes you and dh need vacations from kids too. I'm not completely up to date on your situation with visitations, money, etc...but if you can, take even a 4 day weekend retreat and go some where your kids can't go. Sometimes the break will help with the stress.
One thing you can't do is continue being exhausted. If you try, your marriage will suffer greatly. I know how rude kids can be with a disrespectful mother in the background, and that in itself is very draining. I can't tell you what a difference in my life has been since my ss left our home. Not that I think you should send your skids off, my point is that is how draining and taxing these kids can be.
I'm not sure you will ever find middle ground or peace, but keep your chin up, keep fighting for the kids, and when you can take a mini vacation, even a day at the spa might help....
Good luck,
Candice
Candice, a spa day is perfect!
I'm booking a facial now. Thanks so much for everything you posted. My DH and I sat down last night and talked (actually talked without arguing) and I read him your post. I really thing it helped and we are sorting through some things he hasn't "seen" before. You are so right that he is the one I'm looking for the thanks, validation and what not, not the kids. I don't get that fro him and he doesn't defend me with BM ever. BM does need reminding that she has no say in our household and DH is going to have to take the initiative with her instead of not dealing with her at all. He claims he will...we'll see! Thanks again:)
Good Girl!
You can't forget to take care of yourself, nor can you wait on others to reward you for your good heart. I'm so thrilled I was able to help.
A few weeks ago, my dh got really upset with me over a business decision I made for our business. He got so upset he yelled at me, but then turned around and said..."but I really like everything else you do for the business.." well two days ago he actually complimented me on obtaining a new product line for our industry. This product line is very high end, and is so exclusive they don't let anyone sell their product. He said.."good job on getting us X". I can't tell you how good that felt just to hear him say..."Thank YOU."
No matter what we are doing, we always need to stop and think about ourselves too, and make sure we are taken care of too, and yes once in a while given some appreciation.
I'm very proud of you for showing your dh my post, and communicating with him. It really isn't about the money...it's about being valued!
Good luck and enjoy the facial:)
Candice
I am Custodial SM
I am custodial SM of 3 skids. First of all I wouldn't pay for private education. My bkids went to public school and unless BF and BM pay the whole tab, I won't do it. As of late I refuse to pay for anything. What happens is what BM won't do and BF can't do has fallen on me. I began to think. When I am a senior citizen and can't take care of myself do you really think the skids will take care of you? I am trying now to save money toward my own retirement. Not make life hard for me and when they are grown I will be lucky to get one phone call.
My problem is not really the kids, we are very close. It is the BM and all of her legal BS. I won't talk to her at all. I know talking to her she will twist everything and anything I say and turn it around to use it against DH.
Cruella
How is the recent refusing to pay worked out? We've talked before, been a while, and I was just wondering if it made your DH step up to the plate any?? Last I heard (read) was about the picture, LOL! I can definitely relate to that.
Just thinking about your situation and wondering how you were doing. Oh, and the private school thing is mainly guilt because my BD was there when we married (now she's off to high school). DH thinks I'm not being "fair" but his ex won't pay a thing.
Hi Stepmom_C
It is actually working out pretty well. After the picture blowup DH has been trying. He is working although it is a temporary job. He is going this weekend to purchase school supplies all by his lonesome .
It is a shame it took me to threaten to leave before he stepped up to the plate.
The kids came back from their mothers with NO attitudes this time. They are happy to be home. I think a summer without video games got to them.
Things are starting to turn around on the CS modification for us. We found the BM was hiding assets and lying on court documents. We got solid proof. I hope the Judge will throw the book at her but I am not going to get my hopes up that high. My wish is that the Judge sees BM the way we do. The deadbeat she really is. I can't say much more but I am going to bring milk duds and popcorn to the next court hearing. This should be good. I can say that BM will stop at nothing to avoid paying her children more even at the lengths of perjury. It is unbelievable and I will post the whole nightmare when the last court date is final. I think it will be helpful to others on this site.
Glad to hear it...
Glad to hear the transition back from summer visitation went well and that your DH is doing more. Can't wait for your update on court. I'll be thinking of you guys!
ME TOO!!!
I am also a custodial step-mom, and it is very hard. I have been in my SS's life since he was very young, our BM is much like yours a total mess, and I have to deal with many of the same issues you have to deal with, I have a very good relationship with my SS and I believe it is because I have been around for so long, and also because I believe BM destroyed their relationship. He does not like her and doesn't want to live with her, again same as you. Money is an issue for us, mainly because I am so sick for paying for my SS when BM does not pay for child support because she does not want to get a job. Anyways I believe Candice is so right I have done many of the things she offered advice on and it does work. Good Luck to you.
new to this
I am have only been married to my husband for a year and a half, I knew he had 2 children from a previous marriage and I have 2 grown children from a previous marriage. He was just tested and found out that he is the father to a 5yr old little boy with autism! We have met him twice, he is sweet but I saw some of the traits of autism the 2nd visit. I'm beginning to see also that not all of that is the disease but the parent allowing the child to get away with things because of the guilt they feel! I love children but I was ready to be a grandma in 5 yrs or so, I was done! I know this child needs his father and would never deny him that but I'm also wandering if I can deal with this?! I'm great with children but I can't allow the hitting and biting and everything else I'm told I just have to put up with. I need help and support, someone tell me where to turn. I'm reading books and on the web searching for answers but I need help from real people, I can relate to.
ah me.....the custodial sm
As many know on here I deal with a lot being the custodial SM of a SD who is showing signs of her BM's mental problems. I am the one SD dumps all of her pain on, I am the one she trusts to talk to. But BM is the one she defends at all costs. SD puts down DH a lot. I think it's interesting because we do more for our kids than my parents ever did or had time to do, yet my kids (mostly SD but my BS 13 does it too at times) feel entitled to criticize our parenting techniques. They have for years too. I NEVER would have dreamed of telling my mom or dad they were not putting us first, or act like they don't want us around, or had no right to say anything mean about the other one. I never imagined telling my mom she should be signing me up for extra soccer teams and running herself ragged getting me to practices. I would never say, "Well...you don't have a job so why can't you take me?" I have heard this from SD many times.
Meanwhile my own sons needs are often second, because they know I love them and their problems aren't urgent due to mental instability.
It sucks.
But if we don't do it then it will not get done right? Who else is able to rearrange their schedule for Dr's appts, sports practices, picking up sick kids from school. Even when I was working it fell to me. And still I do ALL the laundry, all the cleaning, cooking, dishes...
Exhausting.
This site helps a ton. Like Candice said above, vent here often.
Peace, love, and red wine
From a Step-Child
It will be hard for any step-parent to gain respect from their step-children! I still don't respect my step-mother, but then again she doesn't try to give me the respect that you are trying to give your step-daughters. These girls most likely feel like you are trying to steal their spot in their fathers heart, and they see how there mother feels about you and they dont want to hurt her either becuz afterall she is their mother. Maybe you could do something with the girls to show them you do care and do it their way but do NOT let them put you down...if you do things their way but still demand the respect that you give them they should give it to you....and if they don't start respecting you give your daughter special treatment to show what it could be like or could have been like if they were to start respecting you! I hope that helps you....I am a step-daughter but my sitiuation is a little different.