Any responsibility we take on for our skids is a gift to our spouses. It is not their right to demand from us that we raise their children. Yes, we did know they had children when we married them, but they also knew when they got divorced that they were going to become single parents. We don't magically BECOME our skids' parents when we marry their fathers. We do become their stepparents, but ultimately, the responsibility for these skids still lies with their biological parents. Unless we are ASKED AND AGREE or VOLUNTEER to take on more, if they are not our children, then they are not our responsibility.

Now, having said that, keep in mind that shit happens. Most of us marry men who have EOW visitation or up to 50% placement. Most dads are not full-time custodial parents. But no matter the custody arrangement before we get married, we'd be foolish to not consider every possible WHAT-IF. What if BM gets hit by a truck and dies? What if BM develops a fatal health condition? What if BM runs off, never to be heard from again? Not a probability in most cases, but at least something to consider. I mean, here you are with the kids in a situation you never expected, right? When life interferes with our best laid plans, what can we do but step back and regroup?

You guys need to find a compromise that is doable for everyone and no, that does not mean DH gets to dump his kids on YOU to raise by yourself. He needs to tap other resources... most schools have an after-school program or homework club, maybe there are other family members close enough by to pitch in a couple hours a few times a week, maybe there's a high school aged kid wanting to earn a few extra bucks who could babysit for a couple of hours after school, maybe there's a neighborhood stay-at-home mom needing a few extra bucks a week who would take the kids in after school and get their homework started. What's happening here is what's known as a significant change in circumstances and could get you some extra CS. Your DH may need to pursue that to cover the increased cost of childcare.

As for the extra work, him working extra hours does not make the work at home magically disappear. It's okay to let a few things slide here and there. No kid ever died because they had to eat a grilled cheese sandwich and bowl of Campbell's soup for supper one night a week. My advice to you on this is to introduce your DH to a crock pot. If you don't have one, invest in a good one. You can get them for around $30-$50. It takes five or ten minutes to throw a roast, water, spices and veggies into a crock pot, which can be turned on low to cook while you are gone. ANY MAN CAN DO THIS. My oven has a timer so that I can put a meal in it and set it turn on to at a certain time, then lower the temp to keep it warm until we are ready to eat. I have no idea how to use it, but I'm sure I could figure it out if I needed to. My kids LOVE Freschetta Thin Crust frozen pizza. They take 8 minutes to cook. I make a huge vat of salad every weekend and we use it throughout the week. Pizza and salad is an easy meal at my house. These are just a few ideas for quickie meals, but the key is to make sure your DH understands that he's just as responsible as you for putting meals on the table. He can take ten minutes to throw some stuff in a crock pot before we leaves for work, can't he?

Your DH looked to you first and assumed you would do this not because he doesn't respect you or care about you, but because you are his partner in life and most of the time, we just assume that our other half will have our backs no matter what. I don't say this to make you feel guilty, but just as food for thought. If he were drowning, he wouldn't need to ask you to throw him a lifesaver, would he? I know this is much different - it takes a lot more effort to raise a child than it does to toss someone an innertube - but maybe he's just coming from the perspective of "we're all in this together" and not realizing how much YOU will personally be affected. Try not to be too mad at him. Sit down with him calmly and say, "Honey, we need to come up with a plan and a fair division of labor to get through this rough patch with things changing at your work." And then go from there. I know you love him and WANT to help, but it is hard to remember that when you feel like he's expecting you to roll up your sleeves and do it all. Come up with a list of things you can and are willing to do to help, then talk to him about finding other resources for handling the amount of extra work you feel you cannot take on. It's okay to say no, but he'll probably take your NO much better if you show him you're willing to help him find an alternative that works better for your whole family.

Hang in there!

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

If BF is not available I would put most of the responsibility back on their BM. I would be asking for help all the time from her and her relatives. Its a big responsibility raising 3 kds that do not belong to you full time and I can see why you need help. It sounds like H just assumed that you would pitch in and do his job and the BM job. As long as you are doing the work of both parents they will take advantage of you ans let you do it. Its one thing to help out if one of the parents are deceased, but for them to put all the responsbiliy of these kds on you, no way. How about the grandparents? Can they pitch in and help and rotate so you could have more free time on the weekends?

You were not involved in all the bad stuff that happened before so I am sure they aren't blaming you. I would put forth a great effort to mend those fences between H and his parents. Or at least get your relationship established so that you can reach out to them when you need help.
Since the BPs are putting all of this responsibility on your shoulders you have the right to ask them or any one else for help.

on. For a long time I have been bitter and angry. My skids BM only takes the kids when she feels like it. Only if it doesn't interfer with her social life. I have been fiercly angry with my HB for not "making" her take them more. Because they are their kids, not mine. Right? When I finally stopped being such a bitch about it and listened to what HB had to say I shifted my emotions. He doesn't want the kids to go with her any more than they have to. She is a bad influence and irresponsible. To me it was him saying I trust you more than I trust their own mom. It finally made sense. Hang in there. Kids aren't leeches sucking the life out of you, it's the dumb adults. I feel blessed that my HB trusts me that much.

My kids biggest cheerleader