Disclaimer: if you haven't read the other crazy entries, you won't know what the heck I am talking about.

I've had the talk with "D"H, and supposedly, he is going to have a chat with his daughter. The talk basically means that I have said, as nicely and clearly as I am able, that I can't do it anymore.

I can't go on day to day (rather we live in the same house or not) living with the unpredictable outbursts, the unhygienic trail that follows the SD wherever she goes, the lack of any concept of cause and effect, the indecision, the separation anxiety, the blatant disrespect, the lies, the sneakiness, the manipulation, failing school on a constant basis...ETC.

Speaking of school, I don't think I ever mentioned that we spent something like $3000.000 on Sylvan Learning Center for the SD. It didn't take. She just liked the "prizes" (actually incentives) they gave her.

Anyway, I told him clearly I couldn't take it. He proceeded to tell me how we could still make it work, somehow. I nodded politely, but I knew the reality of what I'd said would hit him eventually.

One week later it did.

He knows we can't make it. I know we can't make it. Neither of us likes the idea of saying "Goodbye" forever, so we haven't. But....we knows it out there, hanging above our heads. It's just a matter of time.

I am 33 years old now, and all of this started when I was 23. Ten long years that I can't get back. Ten years of unrest to which I subjected my sons. And for what?

Because, apparently, I am stupid. I just didn't get that I can only do so much.

I think my point in posting all of this was: 1) To hear opinions and figure out if I am insane for wanting to run. 2. To see if I was alone. AND 3)To take a good, hard look at myself.

But now something else has occurred to me, through all of this. Maybe I have a message that can be passed on.

People...there is only one thing worse than staying in a bad relationship for a year, and that is staying in it for a year and a day.

Be it a small child that doesn't belong to you, a husband, a sister, whatever....your life is not a dress rehearsal, and no matter what you think the outcome to kindness will be, kindness can only go so far when you know for a fact that things won't get better. No abusive relationship is worth fighting for.

Try your hearts out, love until you can't see straight, and bend over backwards. I highly recommend this because it shows the extension of your being. BUT ONCE YOU KNOW THINGS ARE WHAT THEY ARE, and you're at the point of breaking....leave.

The end. Just leave. I can't undo what I have allowed my sons to see, and I can't undo the pain I have caused myself. By staying so long, I even added to the SD's pain because I allowed her to get "used to me". (same for her dad)

And for what? What do I have to show for it? In the end, I'll be the topic of therapy for her as just another woman who fled....instead of the one who tried.

SD is a victim in this, too, remember?

A victim of her bio mom's bad choices, her dad's lack of spine, and now her step mother's inability to do it anymore.

I don't hate her. I don't. I don't even hate him.

But I hate me, occasionally. For so many reasons I can't even list them.

Maybe I am terrible for suggesting that people leave. I don't know. I just don't want anyone else to feel what I feel right now: a twice failed wife, a failed step mom, a resentful person, and a lonely soul.

I can't take back what I've done, and I don't know if I would if I were given the chance, but if no one else stays too long....maybe they can live smarter, happier, and in a more lovely way. A more PEACEFUL way.

No one should feel as much regret as I do tonight.

I didn't know the last time DH and I made love was the last time.

And now it's over. He will become a memory for me, and I will have to learn what to do with all this anger. What to do with my life...when I've known him for over half of it, thus far.

This is not about love, either. If it were there would be no trouble at all. No, this is about how I can, or can't, get my arms around a situation. This is how I can't cope. This is about knowing that there is a limit to how badly other can treat a person.

If you get treated terribly and abusively by a giant or a tyke, it is not OK. It is also not OK for whoever created the giant or tyke to let it go on, and on and on. Forever.

So, I have said stop. Let's see how this goes, now.

To all of you who have helped me through this shit...I thank you. Sincerely.

G*d bless.