BM is driving me INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I tried to post this before but I don't know where it went, so I am going to try again. I have been married to my husband for 8 years we have been together for 10, he has been divorced from bm for 14 years. They have a 15 almost 16 year daughter together. The thing is,is that bm thinks she can tells us what to do and when to do it. We bought a new car about a month ago and sd comes over and sees it noone says anything about it and then we get this "hate letter" from bm in the mail a week later. Telling us that she can't believe that we went and got a new car right before sd turns 16 and how she hates us and so on. We offered sd our old car, but she refused it on numerous occassions so we got rid of it and now they are mad. A few months before this she took us back to get more child support, which is fine with us because we were paying our child support and half of almost everything else now we are just paying our child support and insurance and nothing more. She told my husband that their daughter didn't want him in her life anymore because he hurt her and that it was my fault that he didn't have a relationship with her and so on. My husband just igornes this and hasn't talked to his daughter in 2 weeks. I however want to write her a letter and just tell her off, but I am not sure i should... It just burns me that she thinks that we should do what she says and when we don't we get these nasty letters about how horrible we are. This is just a small, small taste of what she has done... WHat should i do?
- Step-Monster's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Been there, on a different side
This sounds very much like how my parents acted after they divorced (now that I've been a parent, divorced, remarried to a guy with kids, I have perspective from lots of sides)
My mom was innappropriate to say the least- using my sister and I as leverage to inflict pain on my dad. We were kids and mostly went along with it and were loyal to our mother (that was our job) My dad didn't attack, blame or really even defend himself for years. To this day I have more respect for him for not "fighting back" when her really could have. I made figuring my mom's game a lot more clear as there were no other items to muddy the waters.
Now during the years my mom was lashing back, I had a step mom too. Like all the rest of us here, my SM had a very special place in her heart for my BM. There came a time, and a fight, that my mother started. My dad didn't lash out, my SM did. And I didn't talk to either of them for 6 years. Had my SM had enough, sure she had and she had obvious reasons to explode. But by doing so, we were dragged further into a fight we had no place in AND of course would support BM.
15 years later, I'm closer now to my SM that I am my BM. My advice is to vent to your husband and on here. Don't waste the time and engery trying to play into a game BM is inviting you to. Both kids are close to 18 and you and your husband can start continue to build your own relationship with them without her involved.
Stay strong and bitch in good company.
Do nothing. Let it go.
It's like this... you can dump all your anger on us, where you'll get nothing but support and commiseration, or you can dump your anger on her/them, where you'll get recrimination from the child, her mother and probably your husband. Is it worth it? Nope, because although YOU might feel better momentarily, it won't really change anything. People who are determined to hate you are going to hate you, regardless of what you do to try to make them see the irrationality of their hatred. Don't give them, either of them, the satisfaction of knowing they angered you or they will just keep trying to do it. Never, ever give them an audience. A short "I'm sorry you feel that way," is all that's EVER required when a BM is mad at your or a skid thinks you're the devil incarnate. Then let it roll off you like water off a duck's back. It's not easy to do, takes lots of practice, but eventually you'll get to the point where it really doesn't matter to you what they say/think/feel about you. Feel sorry for them for being so immature, then forget it.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
THANKS
I want to thank everyone for their advice and it is advice that I will take. I have always been considered the wicked step-monster no matter what I have tired to do. It has been 10 years and it hasn't gotten any easier so I think for the next three years I am going to act like they don't matter. I have always bent over backwards to help them out but I think I am done with that. I really apprecite everyones advice and for taking the time out to respond. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.