I just posted: BM comment on me (SM): "She's not a parent... It's not her place"

I wanted to add something, but it's general and I didn't want to make that post any longer than it already was. I really feel that through the conversation my H had with his ex, the part that hurt my feelings most was how she was devaluing my position. She said things like "Well, she's not a parent...", "it's not her place...", "she's welcome to come to things like recitals and birthday parties but there has to be boundaries...". I'll never be a parent, I'll never be an equal, but I've become pretty darn important. More important than an aunt, or a friend, which is what she is trying to make me out to be. I'm not just a "buddy". If I'm out of town and my SS is with my H, my SS asks about me and says he wishes I were there. It may make her uncomfortable, but she has to accept the fact that I've become important to her son. As will the man she marries, if she ever does remarry.

My H told her how I try to really do everything right and how I'm devoted to being a good stepmom and not stepping on toes. He mentioned how I read books and am on forums... her comment, "Well, she doesn't have to. All she has to do is be nice to him." I'm not a babysitter. I'm not a pal. I'm a caretaker... and I have a role with not only my SS, but his father, his mother, grandparents and extended family. There is etiquette... and it seems I'm the only one here concerned about what's appropriate. If she were a little more levelheaded, I'd buy her Ex-Etiquette.
But I doubt it would go over well

It's a difficult process. It was pretty easy up til now. I was sure I was the only one feeling the struggles... but it turns out she feels her own as well. There will always be an element of competition. I am the kind of person who can identify in myself, irrational feelings like jealousy. I can admit this is how I feel... I can admit it's not necessarily right... but everyone is entitled to their emotions. It's just not fair to subject others to it and to expect them to cater to your irrationality. Just deal with it.

I'll repost this excerpt because I think it is so fitting...
from the intro to _The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life_:
"She is hearth and home, but she keeps to another mom's schedule. She is nurse and nurturer, but she is neither first nor favorite. However devoted she may be to her stepchildren, her embrace of them is interrupted by another mom's grasp."