You are here

How do you do it?

Not a real step-mom's picture

Submitted by Not a real step-mom on Mon, 04/30/2007 - 4:22pm

I'm new to this forum and so very glad I found it.

I had the unfortunate "pleasure" of overhearing a not so flattering description of myself by quasi-SS (age 17) to his BM on Friday. He was extremely upset that he didn't get to do something he wanted and while it was DH that made the decision (when I wasn't even home), I have been blamed for it...as usual. No, I wasn't eavesdropping outside his door...the ranting was plenty loud and over the course of about 20 minutes, during which, I was in and out of the house...mostly out because I didn't want to hear it. Among the things I heard (that are family friendly) was what an effing nightmare I am, how I completely run the house, and he has no effing clue what DH sees in me after our 8+ years together, etc. Between the conflict between SS and DH on Saturday, the visit by the local police that night because SS got himself in some trouble, and the subsequent grounding on Sunday, I have been able to avoid SS. Tonight, it is back to "normal".

So, how do I put a smile on my face and act like nothing happened? If I tell him I overheard it, I'm an effing nightmare who was eavesdropping on his conversation. Which potentially could lead to the we need a bigger house, we live in a crap shack, this is why I need a cell phone, I can't wait to get out of here, she's a witch conversations. Am I supposed to just "act normal", cook his meals, fold his clothes, etc?

Comments

Not a real step-mom's picture

Submitted by Not a real step-mom on Mon, 04/30/2007 - 4:44pm

Yes, dad knows. He was going to confront quasi-SS about it. I begged him not too because quasi-SS would be certain that I was eavesdropping and told BF. Even if BF said HE overheard it, quasi-SS would be convinced that I heard it and told BF.

Quasi-SS has lived with us for 6 years now. He is with us during the school year and then goes for summers with BM...party/fun time. I have made my share of mistakes over the last 6 years and wish I could go back, but I am sure that is probably typical.

If I understand you, quit offering to take him driving (he has his permit), quit taking him to the store when he needs something for homework, quit personally delivering his folded laundry to his bedroom, that kind of thing? How do I quit folding his laundry when I do it for DH and myself and have done it for him for the last 6 years? If I do that, it adds fuel to his fire. Or do I just fold it and leave it out for him? I know it sounds petty, but it's just so darn frustrating! He does NOTHING to contribute to the household, but can treat us like CRAP. If I pull back, then I'm just being a witch.

Cruella's picture

Submitted by Cruella (not verified) on Mon, 04/30/2007 - 7:35pm

Disengage but keep that smile on your face. Say No to everything his asks for.

holeekrap789's picture

Submitted by holeekrap789 on Mon, 04/30/2007 - 9:32pm

I honestly think you sshouldn't take it too personally...let me explain...teenagers always think 1.they are right and the rest of the world is wrong 2. all adults in their lfe are assholes/nightmares 3. they are overdramatic and try to get an understanding adult to fight for them whenever they can manipulate it. That makes them feel grown up and important because the adult is on the same level of understanding as them.
Now with this in mind you have to add the fact that if your child as a teen hates you then you are doing something right and they will want to move out instead of sponging off of you for the rest of your life.
If SS respects you in the way he talks to you and the way he acts with you then he is just venting like we all do here. If he is dosrespectful to you right in your face then do something about it. If the BM tries to raise a ruckus over this talk to her calmly or have your husband talk to her, but any smart parent while riled enough to defend there kid will also realize that this comes from a hormonally imbalanced teen about a woman who has loved and cared for him and treated him right for 6 yrs in her absence. If she's not smart enough to see this then point it out.
Let his venting go as long as it remains only venting. He needs an outlet as much as the rest of us. Good luck
Lisa Dawn

laughterandtears's picture

Submitted by laughterandtears on Mon, 04/30/2007 - 9:58pm

and well said Fearless.

FIrst of all, Welcome.

I had this same problem, the only thing I did differntly from what Fearless said was I did it all at one time. I pulled the rug out from under them and let them do for themselves. From sunup to sundown. No reminders to get up for school, no reminders to brush their teeth, no help w/ homework, no reminders to do chores, no dinner fixed (they had microwave meals they ate, but they soon missed my home cooked meals). No reminders to clean up after themselves, no reminders to take showers, nothing, they ceased to exist for me at the moment. Whatever they left undone went on their bed at the end of the day.

It did not take them long to figure out that life w/o me doing things for them wasn't very benefical to them.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.