I would talk to your mil. What did your husband say? I would tell mil to stop giving money or give all the kids if she is giving and not just the 2. That the kids that didn't receive may find out that she is doing that and think favortism. I know how you feel, my mil would always ask about my stepson and never about my daughter. It irritated me very much and for some time I didn't take my daughter to visit her because of that. I do still feel that my mil favors the exwife over me though, but I don't let it get to me anymore, I just don't want to deal with it, waste of time.

-happy mom

My MIL told my mother and my DH that DH and I should not have any more children. I believe that it is because she favours the SD - her first born grandchild. My MIL is CONSTANTLY carrying on about how she's worried about SD growing up with her BM's influence; how she misses her daddy all the time, how she "worships" the ground he walks on.....

MIL's are often full of guilt when it comes to their son's kids. They feel that the kids are at a distinct disadvantage not having their father around. Out of that comes feelings of needing to compensate for what they perceive is your kids' advantage over theirs.

These MILs are old, set in their ways and are not going to change. You can talk to her all you want - but she is not going to change. You really are going to have no control over a BM or a MIL so I would try to let it be water off a duck's back - maybe let her know you don't like it, but perhaps stop short of asking her to stop. However, if your own children find out or ask - I would be honest with them. I wouldn't make excuses or explain anything away for MIL's benefit. Ask them to ask MIL why she does it

I have thought a lot about my MIL's comments and actions and have decided that although i can't control them, I can control the amount of exposure and involvement I have with her. The irony is that she is the one who will miss out should DH and I have another child.

We are here for you!

Realist

Maybe I am a negative person but I firmly believe that if a relative (blood or not) does not add or enhance a child's life then no need to go out of your way to make sure the kids are around that relative. If MIL does not equally contribute to all your (kids' blood or step) then no need to continue bringing kids around. Are your kids benefitting from this lady? Do they consider her grandma? Do they see favortisim? Why put the kids through that. Are your parents around/alive? Then your kids have a set of grandparents that can love and treat them special. I wouldn't take them over anymore. Your husband can take them over and if the lady has anything to say then someone should be honest. If husband cannot be honest or see the favortism then that is too bad. Why continue to hurt your kids.

There are ways to be suttle about this. Only include your husbands kids on cards, gifts, holidays. And if you have talked with husband about this and he hasn't sone anything then I would be ticked at him as well. No need to cause a fight with him over this just stay home.

I sorta can relate, but not really...

I don't have any bio children, but I can diffidently say that my SS does treat my parents totally differently than his 'bio grandparents', that's for sure, and it does bother me sometimes. But he's cordial with them, thanks them, and genuinely does try- that's all that I ask for. So, on some level, I can understand in a reverse way.

My parents don't over do it with him either, because they know that it would make for an awkward situation because he's not comfortable fully with them and he keeps his distance. They do encourage him to open up more, and little each time, he does. However, I do feel that he has some inner issues. It's like if he showed me affection, he feels that takes away from his BM, so the same is true here because his BM disowned her own father, and won't take her kids to go see him... but we took SS to go see his own grandfather on his mother's side. I think because of all that, he feels that if he allowed himself or showed affection towards my family, it's taken away from his already broken dysfunctional BM's family.

However, I firmly believe that if I were to have a child, the scenario would change. That child would be a genuine grandparent that they, my parents, will ow and aw over because 'their baby had a baby'. If that makes sense, so I can see that it could cause issues within my SS... but I don't feel that they would openly, willing and knowingly discriminate my SS either, they didn't raise me to be that way, therefore I don't think that they would interact that way. However, SS I think would have some issues. I'm not sure though, and I don't have any kids my own, so I'm only speculating.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Absolutley, we have dealt with this and even worse..This is one area that I can say I truly am proud of DH and have immense respect for him in this area when it comes to his families favoritism of the step brat..DH's family treats the step brat like perfection incarnate in human flesh and they treat all the other kids like "garbage" and as if they don't even exists. Including mine and Dh's own bio son (age four).

For instance, they all totally ingnored our son's first birthday ..(His parents sent me an email and said they "got busy and forgot his birthday". DH was deployed at the time so I forwarded him that email from his mother. They would never get so busy they would forget Step brats. (aka the golden child because that is how his family treats her) Barly 3 months later (step brats birthday) they sent 8 packages for her birthday.Dh was home at the time and HE was pissed. He put return to sender on everyone of them and sent them back to them with a note that said "If my son and other kids birthdays are not important enough to remember and acknowledge..Then neither is (insert name of step daughter her.)"

On His second birthday his mother lied to my husband (he was deployed again) and tried to say she sent a box of clothing for him..(In others words she tried to say she sent him something, i did something with the box and I tried to lie to DH about it.) Not true, nothing ever came for our son...However, she sent something for my step daughter on HER 2nd brothers birthday...(She later admitted to DH that she lied about sending a box for our son.)

They have NEVER acknowledged our son or my daughters birthdays or them on xmas..However they would turn the step brats birthday into a national holiday if they could..They always sent at least 8 packages for step daugther for her birthday and xmas and would try to come up iwth any excuse under the sun to call around her birthday...

They were told, by DH, several times that "what they do for one child, they do for all or do for none of them"..Simply meaning, if they send a free email card to one child on their birthday, send a free email card to all of the children for their birthdays..Don't ignore all the other kids or send them just a free email card and then shower the step kid on her birthday or xmas..

It's not about STUFF, its about equal treatment..I more then understand that sometimes money is tight and I don't expect anyone to buy my kids anything..A free email card, THE THOUGHT AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT is what I care about.. It's the unfairness that is the issue..

As it has stood for the past five years DH accepts NOTHING from his family for ANY of the kids..And really, since they know that he won't tolerate the blatant favoritism and that they are expected to do for all the kids equally they don't send anything at all..They would rather send nothing to even the step child then they would to treat all the kids equally..

The favoritism and many other factors got so bad that his family has NO relationship with any of the children in our home. In the past six years they have seen our son and the step brat twice very briefly. And they talk to them on the phone the equivalant of once a year briefly, if even that..

Like I said, their are many other factors that go into the reason that DH's family has little to no interaction with our children..

Do I think that your over reacting?? Well, no, not really..But on the other hand, at least, your mother in law isn't blantantly favoring and showering the other kids in front of your children. it sounds like she tries to do so on the sly..

How do you find out that she gives the SK's money? Do the step kids tell you??? What are DH's feelings on this?? Do your parents treat your SK equally to yours?? Do your kids know and care? Are YOUR kids feelings hurt by this?? Or is it just bothering you?

And even at that..Even if it is just bothering you..Then do what you have to do for yourself..Yes, I would stop taking my kids over to my mil's..However, I wouldn't keep DH from taking the kids over to her house..Let HIM deal with HIS mother and the unfair and unequal treatment she dishes out to your kids..

My MIL does the exact same thing with my SS's and BS. She always wants to take SS's somewhere, buy them things, have them overnight but when it comes to BS, she acts as if he doesn't exist and he's her son's child too!! When she sends cards and gifts, they are addressed to "My son and grandsons and his wife and other son" What is this about? She absoultely cannot stand the SS's BM and the SS's live with us full time. I had enough of this a few days ago when she come over to inform me that she was taking SS8, and SS9. When I asked her about BS she said she hadn't planned on that. I told her that was too bad because I hadn't planned on explaining to my son why his GM wanted nothing to do him, therefore, she can leave them all here and I will take of them, thank you very much. Needless to say she called my DH at work and complained and his response was priceless. He said "Why are you calling me, mom? It's your actions that elicted that reaction." UGH!!! MIL's!!! BM's!!! When does it stop?
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.