Opinions Please
My BF and I had a long discussion last night and can't seem to come to an agreement on things. A little history, we have been seeing each other for 3 years. He has 2 girls, 17 and 12. the 17 year old doesn't visit anymore for other reasons the 12 year old he has every weekent Friday to Sunday except 1 weekend a month. Over the past 3 years I have pretty much sat home on weekends by myself while he has been with his kids. Finally met the kids about a year ago and see them on occasion. I finally said that I need more time with him, the occasional 1 weekend a month (and then sometimes we don't get that, if his daughter asks to come over). We do see each other about 3 nights a week. He says he loves me, but cannot make any committments. about six months ago he asked me to dinner with he and daughter, and asked me if I would stay over. So I brought my overnight bag, and after dinner we went back to his place and we watched TV for a while the 3 of us. While I was out of the room he turned to her and told her that I was going to stay over. She ran upstairs crying saying she didn't want that. Her mom lives with her BF and moved the girls into his house 4 years ago after she and BF separated. They have been oficially divorced for over a year now. Anyway, I want to be able to spend occasional weekends with BF and his daughter. He is afraid if he forces the issue with her she will decide not to visit. In fact BM a couple of weeks ago indicated that this daughter might follow in her older sister's footsteps and stop visint him. He asked her and she said that isn't true.
Tell me am I being a hard ass on this? I just feel like this 12 year old is manipulating our life. I told him when this happened six months ago...I would give her time. He keeps saying he is sick of the way the weekends go too...but I reminded he is the only one who can change it.
I know I'm asking him for a lot, to take a chance that he might loose his daughter...but I don't think that will happen. I tried to tell him - she will never say Dad why don't you have V over tonight. She's a kid. She watches some adult content shows, lives with her mom's boyfriend, it isn't as if she's not been exposed.
Please let me know what you think. Can anyone suggest any books that he could read about this subject? Or can you share any experiences along this line.
thanks for your help.
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I hate to tell you this, but no matter how you handle your situation, as you can see by all these blogs....it's almost always messed up. I slept on the couch for a year (sneaking in his room for the good stuff in the middle of the night). All was great for 7 years and then the sh-- hit the fan. No matter what you do you'll be the STEPMOM, which is equivalent to DEVIL. You can be kind, helpful, understanding, loving, caring....none of it will matter if the kid(s) decide to hate you. The fact that you're the stepmom seems to give all kids free reign to hate us, no matter what...and unfortunately, a lot of people will believe whatever they say. Given the opportunity, I wouldn't have married my husband until they were all grown. As they say, if I only knew then what I know now.
Yeah, I'm very cranky today.
You're not wrong...
You're exactly right! If he spends his whole life trying to please his daughter, then she will end up being the ONLY woman in his life-I know I wouldn't put up with it and I don't think many women would. If he really loves you and wants to spend time with you when she's around, then she needs to learn to accept it - he should not cater to her. There should be room in his life for more than one female. I just hope he realizes it, because if he doesn't, then you have a tough road ahead of you.
I have to agree with
These ladies being a step parent is never going to be easy.
I guess I am confused why there mom can have boyfriend but dad can't have anyone.. That makes no sense to me. I say that his daughter is 12 now and needs for the reality of this. Shit you have been together for 3 years.. not 3 months. It snot right what he is doing to you. So here is what I think you should do. Those occassional weekends you get once a month, start making other plans on them weekends. he has no clue what you go thru because you are always available for him. Now its time to turn the tables on him. Men for some reason cannot see shit until its done to them. And you being a woman I know you are reading this and thinking I can't do this. Reverse the situation. then maybe he will change things for the sake of not loosing you!
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
Thanks
for the input. Your right happy...I should make plans on his available weekend..and let him see how it feels. I told him I was going to start doing things on weekends and not sit home anymore. I was going to do whatever it takes to meet new people 'male and female' and have fun. He asked me if that means I'm going to go out looking for guys...I said no - not looking, but...then he ended the sentence and said..but you might meet someone! I said yea! And your right it just is not fair that mom gets to live her life, but dad doesn't get to. I would just keep explaining this to my daughter if it was me...over and over...mom has her life..and I want a life with my gf too.
Whaaat!
You've hung in there 3 years! I can see 6 mths but no way and if he's basically told you he doesn't want any commitments right now, then time to move on. I'm sorry but this guy sounds like an idiot with a lot of nerve. Plus it doesn't sound like he could ever be a true partner, date someone with potential. just my 2cents.