How Backwards Is This??
So, I have carried myself, my girls and my husband on my health insurance for the past 2 1/2 years. BM has state paid insurance for SS and pays $8 a month for a crappy HMO- My company has recently been bought out and we have to update our insurance information and enroll with the new company. DH and I had a conversation last night that we would add SS and use the this insurance as secondary converage- not extra cost... no difference if we add 2 kids or 3 to my policy- no cost to BM. Sounds reasonable and responsible, right?
Well, I told BM this morning and OMG! She flipped her lid. How dare we make a decision like that without "consulting" her first... WHAT???!!!! We are providing extra health insurance and much better coverage at NO COST TO YOU, and you are complaining???? What is WRONG with you? First I got an email, then I got a phone call... I told her that she needed to sit back and think about what she is saying here... and how stupid it sounds, and we would talk about it later... Well, here is the email that I got from her about 2 minutes after we hung up the phone-
have to say that .... even though i get mad,etc...that i am thankful j***n has a step mom that really cares and not a step mom thats mean as she holds anger against the child from the past with the EX ( me ).... or whatever... like my old friend k*m... she hates her step son... and is mean....
And well, me being me- HAD to respond with THIS-
Trust me when I say S*****n- I LOVE J****N with all of my heart. There is nothing in this world that I would not do for him, just as my own girls. I think you know that. And I do it without trying to be his MOM. I am allowed and able to love him without taking your place. The fact that he is a result of past relationship- is just a fact of life. I would be infuriated if J*****d treated my girls poorly because they have a different Dad, and quite honestly, I would not be with him if that were the case. He is a part of J****d, and that fact alone makes J*****n one of the most important people in my life. We may be a Blended Family, but we are still FAMILY. No matter what.
I can understand that some of the things we do for J*****n may come off as “stepping on your toes” however, J****d is his FATHER, don't forget that, we have the moral duty to take care of J*****n to the best of our ability and if something is available for him that will be an asset in his life- and we have the means, we re going to take that opportunity, no matter what and we will let you know. Just as you let us know when you have done something for his well being. Whether that is Heath Care Benefits or anything else. It is not costing YOU any money, it is only helping J*****n and we told you AS soon as we made the decision. I understand that it is hard to NOT be involved in every choice that is made for J****n. But you have to trust that he is in good hands with his father and me. Just as J*****d and I know he is in good hands with you. Try not to be so quick to anger about those things and take it as a blessing. It can only help him, not hurt him.
This chick has to have something WRONG in her brain. Oh- another day in paradise!
That's my crap for the Day... hopefully that is all for me for the day.
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Comments
Oh, honey, have I ever been there!
It's actually in my DH's divorce papers that he HAS to carry medical and dental on the kids, plus play for 33% of all uninsured medical and dental expenses. Well, when he was still in the military, her insurance was primary, ours was secondary, so hers always pretty much paid for everything. When he retired and got a civilian job, our insurance changed and our new insurance was primary over hers, which meant she was supposed to have our insurance billed first and her insurance would pick up anything that wasn't covered by ours. She totally flipped out. Why?! Well, I'll tell you why... with the doctor's offices submitting claims to our insurance company, that meant we would be getting the EOBs (explanation of benefits) in the mail for each and every claim. WE WOULD KNOW WHEN, WHY AND WHERE SHE WAS TAKING THE KIDS TO THE DOCTOR, WHAT KIND OF MEDS THEY WERE ON AND IF THERE WERE ANY ACCIDENTS/INJURIES FOR WHICH THEY NEEDED MEDICAL CARE. She never wanted us to know any of that. So she refused to use it. Okay with me, if it doesn't go through the insurance, then we don't have to pay our 33%. Paranoia was the culprit for us. Maybe it's a combination of paranoia and wanting control.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
CONTROL
That is all there is to it. They want control and forget that they didn't create these children ALL BY THEMSELVES. She will have to get over it as far as I am concerned. This is called CO parenting for a reason! Thanks for your input!
Almost funny
But I must say, That's good that she wrote that to you. If Darkness ever wrote something like that to me, I'ld have to have it framed!!!
Your response was also very good.
And I completely agree with Anne. It does certainly come down to paranoia and control. Well said.
At The End of the Day
BM knows that I love SS. And she is grateful for all that I do. It is more of a short lived power struggle with her. She will flip out and react quickly to situations, then nearly every time she will settle down and realize that it is a joint effort and we are all in this for the same ultimate goal- to raise a good kid to the best of our ability. What was surprising this time around is that, here we are doing something to benefit him, on our own free will and not asking for a dime from her... she is normally the first in line with her hand out! Remember this is the woman that told me we should "buy her an apartment".... ummmm go pound sand. But she will usually come around eventually, not without a nasty fight first. We get into it about once a week.
I think your bm and mine are related!
Our bm has a history of not insuring ss, and not telling us, and then watch us sign him up for full contact football knowing we were in the dark about him being not covered on insurance.
Last fall, I told bm I was leaving my job to go work for our family owned business. Health insurance is very expensive for small businesses. What I get at my coporate job in health insurance will cost me twice just by buying through our small business (same people, different business). I informed her that it would be cheaper if she would cover ss on health insurance (at that time, ss lived with us). She agreed, and said to me she would enroll him.
In February, my dh was talking to bm on the phone. He then reminded her that I was leaving my job, he then asked her if she had medical insurance on ss...her answer was no.
In March (a week after we sent ss packing and told bm she had to take him now instead of this summer), I was preparing paperwork with our insurance agent to begin medical coverage for our family through our small business. I forgot they would need ssn's for everyone (stupid me). To expedite things, I called bm at her work and asked for ss's social, and told her why I needed it. She gave it with no problem.
5 minutes later, she calls our shop and says..."You guys don't have to have medical insurance on ss." I asked.."Well do you have medical insurance on ss?" I already knew the answer...bm responded.."No." then I asked "Well, what do we do then between March and December?" and bm quickly responded with "I can get medical insuance on him in November." and I returned.."Open enrollment doesn't take effect un.." and bm interupted.."Until the following year, I know, I'm just saying you guys don't have to insure him..."
Then, my dh asked her on another date, where we could send cs checks b/c she has moved twice since she moved out of her bf's and we have no address for her. She told dh she doesn't want cs. Hmm...yeah right, that is until you change your mind.
I got a cashier's check for cs, and mailed it to her work, and I put ss on our medical insurance. This is a no brainer for me.
We think she doesn't want us to provide for ss b/c then we won't have a reason to question her when ss doesn't attend school, or when she moves every 3 months, or has rotting teeth in his mouth. She doesn't want to have to answer to us, so she repeatedly tells us she doesn't want medical coverage or cs.
I'm covering our asses, b/c when the shit hits the fan, she is going to point the finger at us first!
I think your situation is simple...it's control. Our bm's think the same though, they want these kids to themselves, and they have no idea how much they are robbing their children by making life with their dads so difficult. It's so sad..
Candice what state are you in ?
In Michigan all child support and insurance are handled by our " Friend of the Court" using the term lightly. Normally the noncustodial parent insures child and custodial pays small uninsured portion of office visits co pays. Support is automatically deducted from Non custodial's paycheck and disbursed , i hate our Courts but it sounds like the system you have in your state is not working at all.. can't the courts step in and mandate someone insure that child ?
WA State
and yes the courts have already mandated that bm must cover ss on medical insurance b/c it is available to her through her work, my dh is self-employed, and if the cost of insuring ss is less than $80 per month, then he must provide health insurance. Previously, he never had health insurance through his business, therefore bm was required to insure him. She didn't. It would cost us attorney's fees plus time away from earning money, to hold her in contempt of court to get her to have medical insurance on ss.
CS and medical costs cannot be deducted from dh's check b/c he writes himself a check whenever he needs money, since he is self employed.
The system does work in WA if both parties are employed through employers. The hang up is the lack of affordable health insurance, and bm's level of irresponsibility. To avoid fighting, we are just going to insure him, that way, we KNOW he is insured.
Speaking of Insurances...What about Life??
My ex and I both have life insurance on each other and it's in our divorce agreement. This way, I can pay off my house or pay for childcare for my daughter if I don't have his c.s. anymore. And he can use my ins. money to hire babysitters if he had to keep our daughter full time w/o my help or income.
In any case my DH informed me that in his divorce agreement he was supposed to have life ins.on himself with ex as beneficiary...but 1) he does not..But, it doesn't state that she has to have any on her in case of her demise...I wonder, if something happened to her, would I be able to afford to raise his two kids as well? How important is this issue???? Also, I do have life ins. on my DH that I've been paying for...In case of my DH's death, can the ex wind up getting it even though I am paying for it?? I don't know if we should address the issue or just let sleeping dogs lie
That's It Right There Candice
I would rather be safe than sorry. There is no requirement as to WHO pays the insurance in the custody papers, they have a written agreement that if there are any changes in the coverage they are to notify one another. She is such a flake lately that I would rather have DOUBLE coverage than NONE.
As far as the life insurance goes Bonus- I would be interested to know as well. This question has crossed my mind more than once. I am the benificiary on DH's and he on mine... we have agreed to make sure one anothers kids are well taken care of should something happen... I am just not sure if that is the legal or right way to do it.