Maybe someone can help me understand what to do next
Hi This is my first time trying anything like this. I've tried self help books on step parenting,we have tried counseling (as a couple and on our own), I have tried everything just short of leaving my dh who I love dearly and it is all because of his children and ex wife. I do not know where to start now that I look back over the last 7 years, I should have seen it all coming to this. But I was very naive to think I could handle it all. Let me try and explain I've known my dh for 7 years we dated for 4 years and finally got married a year and a half ago. I'm 35 with 2 sons (16 &11)and he is 41 with a daughter(13) and a son(11).We lived together before we got married and we are still fighting over the same things. My sd and ss are manipulating,entitled and very very disrespectful. My sd has really been horrible lately my ss not so much I think he genuinely cares for me now. And he gets it when you talk to him and explain his bad behavior and he really makes an effort to be good. He is all heart and you can't help but love him. The sd is the exact opposite. I feel like there is so much to say that I would be typing forever. The unfortunate part in all this is that my dh has a huge weak spot for her and can only be moderately hard on her for really lame excuses if you ask me like I don't have her all the time, or It's the divorce she can't help feeling the way she does. And when he does muster up some courage to try and make a more discplined life for her and calls the bm she doesn't help him at all. So whatever we try to do at our house is undone with the bm. (we share 50/50 custody)The sd is very manipulative we are coming to realize. She has been awful every visit and the more patience and concern we show the worse she gets. So now after a huge blow up here she has had everything (cell phone, tv,computer) taken away from her and guess what it doesn't even bother her. She still comes into my home and ignores me she has to be told to say hello, goodbye and goodnight to me. And she also has to be told everything to do or not to do. I think my sd is trying to get us to let her live with her bm.This is making for a very tense household in which my husband and I always end up fighting about. It has been awful and it is not getting any better. I have tried now to make a stand but to my husband it just looks like I have it out for his daughter or that I want him to choose between us. Can anyone give me some helpful advise because I'm going to go crazy.
- fed up step mom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Welcome.
I'm not the sharpest tool in this shed. I've only been in this step mom club a year. But here is my take.
The girl is hitting puberty. Remember how much fun that was.
Sounds like she needs the therapy or couseling. It's tough to live in two households with two different sets of rules. You and your DH can't control what BM does. So accept that and let that go. You can control what goes on at your home.
Stand firm on your house rules. Re-assure the hell out of her that you both love her and want to be there for her. Re-assure DH that you love him and want to be there for him. It's one day at a time right now.
Maybe plan something that you 3 can do alone. When the the last bonding moment you had with her?
Thanks
Thanks for trying to help. I totally agree she needs counseling but bm will not agree to do that. The rules are really easy at our house and some what the same as bm's house. In fact my skids have said at times that we are much more lenient then bm.
We have done hours of reassuring that we love my sd. I have had so many talks with her and no matter what she has said to me in anger I have told her I will not give up on her. But she screams at me that she wants me to.
I like you idea of the three of us doing something together we have not tried that. We have done dad and her or me and her bonding and time alone. Her and I constantly do things together we are the only woman in the house. So it really throws me when she acts like we are strangers. I know puberty its hell on wheels but I think there is much more then that going on. I know you said forget about the bm's house but the bm just had twins (a boy and a girl) I just have to think that maybe my sd thinks she is getting shut out of her bm life somehow and is acting out at our house so we will send her to her bm. Two weeks ago we tried reverse psychology and made her stay with us instead of going back to the bm's house. (The bm actually helped us out that time) We really do not know if it worked she acted the same just got happy when she knew it was time to go back to bm.
We have also found out that she acts the same way with her step dad. So I don't know what to do at this point everything I say looks like I'm out to get her. I don't even want to push the therapy or counseling because everything comes back around to bite me with my dh. I really love this girl and I don't want this behavior to turn into other things. But I feel like I'm fighting her parents too.
If you can relate to this at all it would mean a great deal to me because until now I have had no relief. It's hard to talk to family because they take sides and none of my friends are in this situation. Thanks so much for offering your help.
You would think...
That if she is acting this way torward step dad, that Bm would be on board with the therapy????
You would think wouldn't you
I think the bm is to afraid to go herself. She has some serious issues. And I think she knows if her daughter goes she will have to face her part in all of this.
Fed up step mom I've been where you are
I've been where you are when my SD was a teenager..and hubby had the same stand. My best advice to you is....don't give up and pick your battles carefully. start all dialog from an I stand point, never never..."you don't do this" or "you need to do that" or "she needs to do this"... Presentation is everything when trying to move discussions forward!!!! Dig deep....the real issues are often buried under the surface...and much harder to uncover.. That's the key to resolving the same battles and the same actions/reactions...is getting to the real issues.
In my case..for my hubby, his SD was his emotional crutch during his horrible marriage...'they' often escaped together from the wrath of nut job mommy/wife...by going places together..hanging out together, etc...they gave each other alot of emotional support and leaned on each other. When her parents split..she went with the mom...(very manipulative woman..'staged' a suicide attempt to guilt SD into promising to stay with her)...this devastated her father..Shocked everyone. When she came back to live with us after a few years...he walked on eggshells...he didn't want to 'loose her' again..and was very lenient. I couldn't reason with him...he wasn't operating on logic...just pure raw..deep-seated emotions of abandonment, insecuritie, hurt, you name it.... He knew intellectually..that dicipline was important..and practiced it with my kids...and in the past with his own kids...but I didn't know this man all of a sudden.
SD moved out after 1 year....things were rocky this summer...but we went to counselling and got to the bottom of some things...and are doing great, now. Very happy and very much in love...
Sometimes bringing in an un-emotional, un-biased third party..is so helpful in dealing with these emotionally charges issues. They ask the right questions...and dig through the bullshit..make you really think about things and soul search and they get to the real issues...
Even going to counselling by yourself ..if no-one else is on board..is so helpful... It can give you perspective and direction on how to cope with your situation. It might even encourage them (hubby) to go...and there's the foundation for working together for a common goal....
That's the best advice I can give you....it's not easy.
I do believe kids need discipline...but at least one household needs to get on the same page... My 13 yr old is grounded..again..and has been pissed at me many times..for rules..but she said something the other day...and she knows I'm just trying to look out for her..she knows I love her. and she still tells me she loves me...even though I suck for grounding her! ha ha
Yes you have
been right where I'm at. That's exactly how I feel about my husband when he can't see reason with the sd. He is fine with the boys but when it comes to her he is blind sometimes. And they to have some sort emotional attachment that for awhile I reacted to in a very jealous way. I really thought that I have been a horrible person for having the feelings I have had for this girl. I bought books to try and figure it out but they really did not help. My husband and I have been going to counseling together for about year now and he goes on his own also. I think we really need to go with sd. Our sessions have gone from one hour to an hour and a half. Just an example of how much crap is going on.
I can't help but feel like my sd gets alot of attention from everyone because of the way she is acting. I really want to be able to pay attention to my ss and bio sons they are really good boys. She always seems to take the spotlight away.
It definetly is not easy and it is not getting any easier. Thanks
Fed up
Keep staying the course, be kind loving and disciplined at the same time and all will follow.