BM just doesn't stop!
We have SD this weekend and she will finally be returning to school on Monday, so BM called my fiance just now, wanting to make sure she would have a restful weekend with us. Fine, good attempt at coparenting. (We were already going to do this and don't need her telling us, but any communication that doesn't involve her hurling accusations at us is a huge step.) Then she tried to tell us what movies to watch, what time to go to bed and get up, and not to take SD horseback riding as if any of that is her business. I'm so sick of her trying to control our household! That's just a minor annoyance, though - not even my point. What scares the crap out of me was the next part. Here's are the particulars from my fiance's email to SD's psychiatrists:
BM called to say that in light of what SD said about Caitlin’s SF during therapy at the clinic, she wanted us not to take SD to Caitlin's parents, either this weekend or in the future, until Family Based services had a chance to look into things. BM insisted I agree to this immediately. I replied that I would discuss her views and get back to her. She insisted that I agree then and there and said she had discussed it with her attorney. I replied that I thought we should discuss this with SD's psychiatrists and get their input. BM insisted again that I promise immediately not to take SD to Caitlin's parents. I replied as above. BM ended that I would be hearing from her attorney.
BM has been trying to forbid us from taking SD out of state to my parents' house since we got together 2 1/2 years ago. Now I'm afraid she'll resort to false allegations of abuse because SD said that my SF once tickled her and made her uncomfortable. There is absolutely nothing to this - this is BM-fabricated BS. But it still has me worried. She's petrified we'll take custody away from her, so I fear she is trying to drum something up to beat us to the punch.
How are we supposed to deal with this? Why can't I just have a nice stress-free pregnancy?!
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Comments
Well, it definitely sounds
Well, it definitely sounds like BM is trying to create some kind of accusation, and it sounds like she is getting ready to accuse your SF of molesting your SD.
Assuming it's not true, that is really low. Keep in mind BM may even really believe it, her mind may be trying to create horrible situations to strengthen her own relationship with her daughter. Memory is a fragile thing, and it is very possible that your SD could start believing it too. We don't just remember, we remember remembering until the original memory is overwritten.
This also could be a ploy to damage your relationship with SD. If she, even though unwittingly, accuses your SF of something like that, you may end up resenting her, and even without resenting her your SD is going to feel guilty about it, once again whether true or not, and be afraid to be around you if she understands your relationship with your family.
My advice is to definitely not bring her to your families house. Cooperate even if you don't want to. You'll look bad, really bad, if it's shown the possibility of molestation was brought to your attention and you ignored the concern. Talk to the therapist, document document document.
Sounds like BM is brewing trouble
Oh my goodness Caitlin, this woman's stale games are mentally exhausting me. I can't even begin to imagine the toil all these stupid stuff is taking on you. It does sound like she is looking to stir up trouble and serious ones for that matter. Have you and your fiance informed SD's psychiatrist BM's statement of SD feeling uncomfortable after being tickled? I think maybe you should hold back the visits to your parents until you talk to SD's mental health team. It is so hurtful to do that especially to SD and your parents who are close to her, and also that BM will in control. But I feel its better to play safe because if she happens to file such allegations officially, the aftermath will be very stressful even if they find out that they are false allegations. We were accused falsely by BM of child neglect. Even the investigator knew the accusations were false right from the start, but they have to investigate each and every allegation, and the investigation process is not pleasant at all. Discuss the issue with SD psychiatrist and hear what they have to say. The evil likes of such BMs will even be rejected by the devil himself in hell coz they are extremely evil. They will be too much for him to handle. I always think and pray for you and SD to get through this trying time. Hugs
You know Caitlyn...
Just try this approach. When BM gets bossy... you know telling you what to do etc... which you already know what to do, geesh... just say "Oh". Nothing more, nothing less. Just dead pan, "Oh". Makes people feel stupid when they are telling you things that you already know.
I certainly am wondering what's up her sleeve. In one of your previous posts you commented how her Step Father... I think that was it... said something to the SW about you planning to file for primary custody. I think they are now trying to form a rebuttal case. I think it would be wise to make sure you are documenting everything and it is smart to email the psy on this.
My thoughts exactly
Yes, I think BM and her father are trying to form a rebuttal case in anticipation of us filing for primary custody. It's classic BM behavior: she gets caught doing something bad, she deflects it by throwing accusations at others, blaming them for whatever's wrong.
The scariest thing is that SD is so protective of BM, that she will say anything BM tells her to say. So far we've been fortunate enough that the professionals always see when she has been coached by BM, but I'm sure that even if they suspect this whole ordeal to be utter BS, they have to take it seriously.
I just don't know how much more of this we can take. We take one triumphant step forward, just to take three steps back. I just hope that Family Based Therapy will get to the bottom of everything and protect us ALL from this woman!
A mom's perspective
I have been doing alot of thinking about the momvs. step-mom. I guess why some of us moms come across as nutty and vicious is because when we had our children, we knew we would be raising them with our spouse, nurturing them and preparing them for their life ahead. I never wanted someone else to parent my child, and particularly someone I don't even know. I chose the father of my children however, I have had no say who he chooses to help raise them and what kind of influence she is going to have. I don't know her morals or values (although I think I have an idea) It is very scarey. I know for me I am trying my best to continue to do the best I can for my kids. It is a knife in my heart to read how some step moms think our kids a whiny, bratty, a burden, always around, it is sooo painful to read.
Just my thoughts
Really?
That's interesting, bettyboop. I am just curious and I guess we're not reading the same posts, but I never got that impression. Do you really think that we all feel that 'your' kids are 'bratty burdens'? I just think, wow, because that's far from what I've been reading. And I certainly don't think that MY SS is a bratty burden. I'm just curious, but what posts are you reading that give you that impression? :?
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
-- Author unknown
I completey understand your
I completey understand your concerns. I am a SM helping raise 3 Schildren.Now I do not see them as a burden, however, I can tell you that arguing with the BM has not strenghten my relationship with them by any means. I do love them and I do my best taking care of them but it makes it hard to do that when I am forever portrayed as an evil SM. I do respect the relationship between a child and their mother and I am by no means trying to take the mothers place but a little respect from BM would go a long way. After all I know you didn't ask for us to help raise your children but we are and BMs with genuinely good SMs in their child's lives should be thankful for that. A step parent is just one more person to love and care for your child. Some children don't even have one parent in their life. I'm not trying to be one sided about the situation I am just telling you MY thoughts.
Some do, some don't...
It is very clear that some of the stepmoms on this site feel this way about the sks...have you read all of the posts?
Everyone's situation is unique
In my situation, BM is mentally ill and destroying her daughter's psyche because of her irrational behavior brought on by her jealousy and insecurity about SD's relationship with anyone other than herself. While I do appreciate bettyboop's post about a mom's perspective, nothing excuses this woman's behavior. She is hurting her own child, and I have a team of psychiatrists who will back me up on that statement.
I know it must be scary for BM to have no say in how her ex and his new partner (me) parent her child, but all of the psychiatrists keep telling her that she needs to put those insecurities aside and trust us to do right by SD, instead of creating horrible drama that drives SD to attempt suicide because she can't deal with Mommy freaking out all the time. I mean, there are instances out there where the BM does need to protect her children, but in our case, we need to protect the child from the BM.
I do read some posts on this site about SMs who feel like the skids are a burden and it saddens me too. My own SM felt that way about me and my siblings and it was awful! My mom wished she had been more nurturing and loving toward us, which is why I can't understand why BM is so hung up on hating me for providing a loving home for her daughter! SD shared in therapy that BM is jealous of me and is afraid I will take her place in SD's life, which makes SD feel bad for loving me. This is just plain WRONG to do to a kid. Plus, it's just absurd. BM is her mother and always will be. SD knows it. I know it. I actually have nothing to do with their relationship, whether it's good, bad or in between. SD's relationship with me takes nothing away from her relationship with her mother, and everyone sees that BUT BM.
My advice to everyone out there, BMs, SMs, BFs, SFs, is to not take things so personally on this site. Bettyboop said that it was like a knife in her heart to read how "our" kids are a burden to the SMs. Well, the SMs who are struggling with disrespectful skids aren't referring to "your" kids in particular, so why should your feelings be hurt? I just don't understand why some people take posts as a personal assault sometimes when the posters are just venting about their own issues. Just a thought...
Perhaps from the beginning, we all need to protect...
the child from all of the adults drama. There can't be a battle without two sides. Your situation is extreme Caitlin but it didn't get like that immediately. Broken families creates a stream of destruction and unfortunately children are often the ones to suffer.
There is always a need for someone to be right/wrong, good/bad, sane/nuts. Perhaps this mom is nuts but I doubt that all of the moms on this site (myself being a stepmom and a mom) are nuts...far from it...anymore than the stepmoms are. Rather the situations themselves are often a bit nuts...hence the problems.
Absolutely!
We absolutely need to protect the child from the adults' drama! The trouble with my situation is that BM uses SD as her therapist/confidante and unloads all the adult dirt onto her, to the point that it is driving her insane. Not only does BM not protect her child from the drama, she creates it and rams it down her throat. Most of the drama she creates isn't even true. She makes up lies about us just to sway SD's loyalty.
"There can't be a battle without two sides" implies that we are contributing to the fighting in some way, but I would like to defend ourselves on this point. We do not instigate anything with BM. We do not participate, except to come to SD's protection through the mental health system and eventually the courts. We don't attack BM, we do not speak ill of her to SD, and when she hurls accusations at us and tries to engage in screaming matches with us, we just ignore her. This woman is battling herself. And the stream of destruction wasn't created by the fact that they're a broken family. The stream of destruction stems from her mental instability. She mentally abused my fiance for 6 years until he himself was a suicidal wreck. That's what destroyed the marriage and that's what is currently destroying BM's relationship with SD.
All of this is not to say that all BMs are nuts. Yes, I am in an extreme situation. Yes, it helps to hear the BM point of view to understand what BM in my case might be feeling to make her act out in such vile ways. Yes, many situations really don't have a right/wrong, good/bad, sane/nuts side. However, in my situation, it is clear to everyone involved except BM that BM is doing wrong by her child. A whole team of psychiatrists is working on getting BM to change her ways because she is making her daughter sick. These psychiatrists, who strive to be impartial and objective, have praised us for doing so well in dealing with BM and share how they are working on setting and maintaining boundaries with BM because she is the reason SD has become mentally unstable. There is a very clear right and wrong side here.
Still, I can really only speak for myself, which was my point in saying that I think everyone here should take a step back and realize that something a poster says about his/her personal experiences really may not apply to the reader so it is pointless to take it personally.
Sorry I'm rambling. My typing can't keep up with my thoughts!
Caitlin, please don't feel the need to explain your situation...
It is abundantly clear that the mom has major issues in your situation. In fact, if someone could help her to see that she needs help, that would really make your situation better for all. Of course, getting someone to have personal insight into their own challenges and illness is much easier said than done. I hope that things get better for the little girl involved...she is the most innocent victim of all.
I am just curious...your BF obviously went through some really rough times with his previous partner and was left with lots of emotional trauma. That happens a lot in situations with partners on this site. Do we as women try to rescue these men or "make things better for them." Just a question because the women on this site seem very strong spirited and resilient.
Good question
Do we as women try to rescue these men or "make things better for them"?
Speaking from my own experience, I can say that although my fiance had really pulled himself back together in the two years of their separation before I came into the picture, I certainly do provide strength and support in the ongoing saga with BM. No, I didn't try to come in and rescue him, because it's really his cross to bear, but I do try to make things better for him just by being there for him, like you would for anyone you love.
I think that some children
just like some adults can be annoying. Haven't we all been shopping and encountered children that are absolute beasts. Running rampid, knocking into people, being disrespectful to their parents & any adult they happen upon. Have we all not lived next to or worked with someone who the mere sound of their voice causes chills to run down their spine?
If you haven't, your lucky. I know I have been in public & seen the way some people's children act & gone home & told DH & BM I am thankful that they have raised the boys to NOT act this way.
People parent differently than they did 30 years ago IMO. More time is spent running around dragging kids from one activity to the next all trying to out do or keep up with the Joneses. Less time is spent being a family & giving children quality time with their parents. Also I don't think a lot of parents disipline their children with consequences for the actions.
This summer at baseball I was floored by how disrespectful & bratty a lot of the kids were to the other adults helping out. At my 9 yr old ss birthday party I was amazed by the mouths on a couple of the kids & told DH they would never step foot in my house again.
My step kids can drive me nuts at times & I chalk that up to they are kids, they can drive DH crazy at times too & lets face it I am 38 & never had kids. It is an adjustment at times, just as it is my greatest joy to love them & share in their lives.
Parents do not do their kids any favors by not teaching their children respect for others. I always wonder what will they be like when they hit the real world, college, the job force.
don't get me wrong
Please, don't get me wrong. I have seen my share of horribly behaved kids and poor parenting. And I am not suggesting every step mom here complains of their step-kids. Maybe it is "I can critisize my kids but don't you dare" kinda thing.
My situation is just very difficult for me to deal with. My ex left me for the other woman, moved her here, hired her where he works, moved her in with him and then told the kids to not tell me. That went on for 4 months. I still know very little about this person. I only know she is much younger than my ex and has no children of her own and is still learning english.
It just makes me sad when I read some of the posts and I would hate it if she were talking about my kids like that. My ex has only had our kids spend the night 7 times in a year and a half. He doesn't call them but once every 4-5 days. So given that, I am hyper protective but thats where I am right now.
I totally get it.
My grandfather cheated on my grandma with the woman hired to take care of his mother in law. My grandma was dying of cancer and after 40 years of marriage it was the ultimate in FU in my book.
Even though my former marriage was unfulfilling & I was left alone the majority of the time, I could have never cheated. Even though my grandmother forgave him on her death bed, I never really did & I don't think he forgave himself really.
I think you have every right to feel hurt & to watch out for your children. With my BM she wanted to meet me before her children did & we actually went out to coffee. Every one who knew me & knew I did that thought I was nuts, however I feel it was the right thing to do. My DH would have liked the same opportunity but sometimes she has rules for us & then doesn't feel they apply to herself.
My DH is probably more involved than most men, as we have the children each day after school, he is the one who does homework with them & checks it, ect. Just going Friday to Monday on our weekend off hurts him and he misses them terribly. How any parent can turn their back on their child is dumbfounding.
Now DH has not always been the kind of dad he is today, he suffered from depression & was not as hands on when they were little & married, however he realized that when he recieved proper treatment for his illness that he was given a second chance and is grateful that his children know him as the dad he has been for the last few years.
Do you think that this woman would be willing to get together with you so you could get to know her? How are your kids coping with this?
bettyboop
I think the first step is talking about it... you're in the perfect place.
I understand you have a very sticky situation, being that your relationship end out of infidelity. It wasn't want you wanted, nor is it what anyone wants, really? So, it's natural for you to have resentment, anger, frustration, sadness. We all go through that. You're not alone.
Are you in counseling? Have you ever considered it?
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I am so sorry that you are
I am so sorry that you are experiencin such a difficult time right now. The timing really stinks. Just try and take care of yourself right now even if you have to step back a little. I know its hard to do because you want to be a good stepmother but the little one inside you deserves a calm and peaceful environment too
Please don't be angry with me, I'm just worried about you.
Thanks
Thanks for the sympathy and the reminder to provide a calm and peaceful environment for the baby I'm growing! Of course I'm not angry with you! I really appreciate your concern. Plus, you're right so how could I be mad?
Part of me thinks that BM is trying to ruin my pregnancy. SD says over and over how jealous Mommy is of me because I get to have two children and she didn't, I have "her" man, I'm taking her place in SD's life, etc. Why does she make her misery all about me? I have nothing to do with her happiness or lack thereof. I hope she'll get that one day.
In the meantime, I will try to take a step back. My ultrasound yesterday revealed that I have placenta previa, so I really do have to take it easy. Being pregnant sure take a lot out of you - especially when you're dealing with a jealous madwoman!
I understand completley. I
I understand completley. I had a chaotic and stressful pregnancy with my son becasue of ss mother. And I vowed not to let that happen this time. The first few weeks after we told her the news she tried to start problems. She canceled a few of our visits or did not show at all. We just let it go. And thankfully ignoring her all together put an end to it (at least for now). If her fire is fueled with bitterness and envy the best thing you can do right now is keep your own sanity and peace of mind.
So baby is okay? Did you find out the gender? Are you on bedrest from the placenta previa?
Glad to hear things are
Glad to hear things are going more smoothly for you this time around. I hope that it stays that way!
The baby is fine. It was too early for a Level 2 ultrasound, so I have to wait another month to find out the gender! I'll be 20 weeks by then, so I think we'll find out for sure at that appointment. Geez, I'm so impatient!!
I'm not on bedrest from the placenta previa because it's still early yet, but I'm told to stop my exercise routine and no heavy lifting or sex until they check it out again next month. There is a possibility that as the uterus expands, where the placenta is attached could end up farther away from the cervix and I could very well be in the clear. It's too early to tell. The only thing I'm allowed to lift is my 17-month-old. Good thing she's a lightweight! (She's only 20 lbs.)
Thanks step-mom and
Thanks step-mom and sweetthing,
I have been going to counseling and that does help. I am really hurting for my kids though. My ex has been increasingly uninvolved with the kids over the years. As his career took off so did he. This is the second time he has had an affair and walked out. The first time he was gone about 4 months. This time it was final. So as far as my feelings for him, well, i'm just done. Especially after seeing the video tape from the private investigator with hima and the ow. eewwwh!
Now I am in this new relationship with a wonderful man and father and I just feel like a freak worrying about every little unknown. I want to be well prepared if we do get married. I do feel fortunate in the fact that he and his ex get along well (she left him) and work well together for the kids. I have met her twice and she is very friendly and kind from what I gather. I did feel bad the first time I met her. Her oldest daughter ran up and gave me a huge hug. I am sure that killed her inside and I felt bad as well for her.
As for my ex's ow, I wish I could have a sit down, heart to heart but given everything I know and how deceptive they both were, I just don't know. They were living together for 4 months before I found out. I found out on Mothers' Day. Another eewwwwh.
Thanks all for your advice and understanding. It helps knowing i'm not alone.