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Family therapy appointment with SD

Caitlin's picture

I finally attended SD's family therapy appointment yesterday. Here's a recap:

We started out with just me, my fiance, and the social worker. She just wanted to know how things were going on our end, so we shared how we were worried about SD because when we talked to her on Sunday evening, she was extremely down and quiet and wouldn't talk much. The social worker was quite surprised by that because the appointment she had with BM and SD on Monday morning was stellar. She said that they reported having a lovely weekend and interestingly, BM "presented very well." For the first time, she didn't come in blaming my fiance for everything wrong in the world. Everything seemed peachy.

The social worker brought SD in at that point and asked her about Sunday, saying that Dad and Caitlin were concerned. She fully expected her to say "no, I was fine" like a lot of kids do, to which she planned to respond that Dad and Caitlin are just in tune to her moods and leave it at that. However, SD did say "yeah, I was sad. I'm not sure why though." The social worker asked some more questions and SD just said something about going to church that day and that she was missing us when we called.

Then, the psychiatrist joined the session and the social worker asked SD to fill her in on what we were talking about. At this point, SD said she remembered what made her sad. While they were at church, there was a very cute baby in the pew in front of them and SD saw that BM got upset over it. She tried to hold her hand and say "sorry", to which BM spat back "it's not YOUR fault!" SD tried to say "I know, but I'm just sorry you're feeling this way." Well BM got all huffy with her and then I can only assume that she was "punishing" her the rest of the day with some sort of silent treatment that lasted until at least 5:00 when we called.

The psychiatrist said "wow, it sounds like your moods go hand in hand with Mom's moods. When she's up, you're up, when she's down, you're down. We will work with her to help her learn to use a support system other than her daughter when she needs help to take that burden off your shoulders. You're not Mom's therapist, you know."

SD went on to say how BM is jealous of me because, and I quote: "Caitlin is with a great man who is - well, legally still her husband, or, well, used to be her husband, you know - and is having a second child with him, which Mommy wanted and never got to have, and Caitlin's kind of replacing her so she's scared of losing me to her, so I can really see why she's jealous."

These are not an 11-year-old's original thoughts! Those are BM's words, not SD's! What kind of mother burdens her child with this crap?! (By the way, in their 6-year marriage, BM never once said "let's have another child." This comes up now that she's a 53-year-old divorcee with no chance of conceiving ever again.)

SD also talked freely about how she's happy that her dad is happy with me, but it's not fair to her mom and she's having trouble adjusting because it's not her family. She went on and on how we're not her family, not her biological family, and this is what her mother's been pouring in her ear for 2 1/2 years. The truth is, SD adjusted immediately, we got along like peas in a pod from the very beginning, she has an incredible bond with her baby sister, etc etc - but BM can't handle it!

The psychiatrist shared that her husband was married before her and had two children who had a ton of trouble adjusting to step-family life. They did NOT like their SM being around, ooh, it was awful. They went on to have two more children together and today those 4 girls are the closest sisters you could imagine. She said they will always have each other, long after all the parents are gone from the picture, so it's just nice to have more people to love.

The psychiatrist also said, "Caitlin is very much in your court, she's just another adult to love you. Your mom will always be your mom, she's not going to replace her. Your Dad and Caitlin have a healthy and stable relationship and while you might not realize it now, this is what's best for you! Seeing two partners work together in a loving environment is just what you need. Happy parents make happy children. Now your mom just needs to find her happiness, and it's not up to you to do that for her."

There's way more to this, but my post has already gotten entirely too long. If you've made it this far - wow, thanks!

Comments

OldTimer's picture

I'd read more if you typed more! Wink

I think you are on a great path now. I was really concerned before, but now, I can tell you are in very good hands. This is the difference between finding someone that is qualified, just listens and mumbles out resolves and someone that is capable of helping you construct a path, getting to the ROOT of the problem, not pacifying the problem.

Keep us posted! Wink

lovin-life's picture

Sounds like the psychitrist is beginning to lay the groundwork in SD's head for living with you guys......

You'll have to fill us in on where this is going........or more about how it went...when you have more time....

It must feel pretty good...knowing that this woman isn't fooling anyone anymore!!!!

All the best Caitlin!! Smile

sweetthing's picture

I am so glad that SD got such a great DR & social worker.

Let us know the rest of the story when you have time. Hopefully they will be able to get BM's act together as well. It would be great if she would finalize & sign the papers as well before new baby gets here.

We are rooting for you!

Caitlin's picture

The psychiatrist really wants to prepare SD for life outside the clinic because she's being discharged on Friday. She'll be going back to school on Monday the 29th and keep in mind she's been out since December 22nd, so she's understandably nervous about the stress of returning. The psychiatrist asked "do you know who you can call if you're in a crisis with your parents?" (Knowing that by "parents", she means "mother" because she's never had a crisis with anyone other than BM, but in the interest of remaining objective... you get the idea!) SD said she could call her grandfather or me, which I thought was really sweet. The psychiatrist then gave her a card with their 24-hour hotline, her office line for 9-5, her social worker's number, her regular therapist's number, etc for any emergencies. I hope hope hope that SD will use this card the next time she wants to throw herself out a window because things are so out of control at BM's.

We are all immensely relieved that Family Based Therapy will be in their home 2-3 times per week and the psychiatrist was very clear to say that this was therapy for the WHOLE FAMILY, not just for SD. She said that BM needs a support system so she can stop relying on SD, and FBT can provide that support. When asked earlier in the session what adults BM had in her life for support, SD thought about it for a long time and said "no one." The social worker asked about her grandfather (BM's father, who lives nextdoor) and SD said that he's 80 years old and it's a lot to ask of him and it hurts him. (What about she's 11 years old and it's too much to ask of her and it hurts HER?!?) So at this point in the conversation, the psychiatrist said that FBT could be that support and it won't hurt them.

This woman is all about solutions! I love her!

As for getting back into the swing of things at school, SD did speak with one of her teachers who told her she had nothing to worry about, that she didn't miss much. Phew! I'm so glad he was able to make her feel a little better about it. The psychiatrist just reminded her to take one thing at a time and to know that she has support. Hell, I used to teach and tutor - if BM would allow it, I'd be there every day to help her with her makeup work! Instead, BM wants to hire a $50/session tutor twice a week and tells us we need to pay for it. Guess what - we can't afford a $400/month bill! We need to find another solution. But this is what she does, she racks up horrendous bills and then presents them to us months later. She did that with the therapy bill - 7 months into it, she gave us a $3500 bill and told us to take care of it. She never takes responsibility for anything. She chose an expensive therapist who doesn't accept insurance and expects us to take care of it. But I digress.

Any suggestions from you fine people on what to do about getting SD back up to speed with her schoolwork after being out for over a month? I'm thinking there must be a program at the school that's free.

OldTimer's picture

they should have a resource center or a school counselor that can help you in this. Even the teacher may be able to offer some assistance after school- you never know. I am surrounded by teachers in my family, so I know that if you approach the teachers, very open about it, and let them know the situation, they may be able to help, often willing to help or give you some advice. I'd start there.

lovin-life's picture

I agree with step mom....
Contact her teacher(s) they can give her extra homework to help hr catch up..or spend extra time in class or after school going over what she needs to know.....most teachers are more than happy to help out that way.

Smile

Caitlin's picture

How could I forget?

During the session, SD shared that BM told her not to hurt herself because the courts would take her away from her. (GASP!) WTF? You tell your daughter to stop attempting suicide so you won't lose custody?! Not because life is precious and when you have problems you should seek support instead of inflicting injury upon yourself? Not because your health and wellbeing are very serious matters and we would all be devastated if something happened to you? This kind of tells you where BM's head is. I was really appalled to hear this.

Speaking of custody, when the social worker met with the grandfather, he stated that we were going to pursue custody, trying to bait the social worker to say, "yes I'm aware of that" or something. Well, she went to bat for us and said "oh no, not that I know of," to which he replied, "yes, they are!"

She asked us if we had made any mention of this, and we of course have not. We haven't let on to anyone except for SD's mental health team that this is what we plan to do. I guess it's just that obvious even to BM and BM's own father that she's unfit. I know they're scared. And they should be! It's only a matter of time.

Caitlin's picture

Well, my fiance and I were pleased to hear from BM last night. She just called to keep him up to speed on SD's return to school. No fights, no accusations, just an update. If only it could always be like this!

It turns out that BM spoke with the teachers and they decided together that SD should meet with them after school Monday (last night) and discuss the "game plan", rather than sitting through all her classes on Monday, panicking about the missed work. So she did not attend school yesterday, but as far as I know right now, she is back today.

A new marking period starts today, so she can start fresh with the other students. Things like math, which build on the prior material, will be tough, but overall she'll just pick up right from the start today with everyone else. They decided to give her zeroes for her missed work because doing all the makeup work from the past month will never allow her to get the current work done. Her report card won't be the usual A's and B's, but her teachers assured her that her college career will not be jeopardized. (She's only in the 6th grade.) Everyone was happy with this decision.

I think BM was so agreeable last night because my fiance agreed to go to the parent/teacher conference with her next week. Since she banned me from the school, the teachers have no choice but to exclude me from the meeting and he really doesn't have another way to get there and he really wants to (must!!) be involved, so he just didn't feel like rocking the boat to make a separate appointment. I don't either. I have my pregnancy to worry about, we don't need the added stress. Do you think this was the right decision? We don't like her controlling everything, but we're just picking our battles.

One thing we really need to stick to our guns on is this tutoring idea she's insisting upon. The school offers tremendous amounts of help for SD to get back on track. For FREE. But no, BM wants to hire the best tutors to help SD, knowing that a)she can't afford it, and b)we can't afford it. She found a program that costs $50/hour and she wants to use them twice a week. We don't have $400-500/month to cover this. Her reply? "Well, you need to get a better-paying job." If she wants a damn tutor, then maybe she could get a job! She hides behind her mental illness, saying she can't handle the stress of a job. She obviously can't handle the stress of raising a child either, so let SD live with us and we'll help her with her homework every night.

BM made an appointment with the tutoring company for tomorrow at 4:00 and asked my fiance to attend. It's hard for him to leave work 2 hours early for this and he's afraid she'll somehow force him to take financial responsibility, so we're thinking maybe he shouldn't go. Does this make him look like a deadbeat dad who doesn't care about his child's education? He does care! He just knows that free help is abundantly available. If we had the money, it may be a different story. But we don't, so we need to look for another solution and BM refuses. We're not legally required to pay, so it's her problem -- right?

New Stepmom's picture

I was just going to ask were you legally responsible to pay for the tutoring? If not, don't sweat it. I know how concerned you both are for SD, but you have to draw the line somewhere. There are obviously other choices in tutoring that would benefit SD the same - it doesn't have to cost out the wazoo. If you refuse to pay it, what can BM do besides threaten the good old "you'll be hearing from my attorney" statement? Nothing. She'll compromise - maybe, hopefully!

OldTimer's picture

but I think when she sends you the bill for tutoring... you should send her your bill for the pregnancy. Wink

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

sweetthing's picture

that he is not going to pay for the additional tutoring. I am assuming since the lunatic has not signed the divorce decree that there isn't a legal binding document stating what he is to be responsible for. I am afraid that if he just ignores it that it is going to bite him in the butt.

DH's ex wanted to hire this former teacher of 9y/o ss who does tutoring & behavioral management services to work with younger ss because he was misbehaving & not paying attention in school... rather than work with teacher or behavioral manager at school ( makes sense right? Lets spend uneccessary money!) DH told her no he was not interested in paying someone else to do something they should be doing as parents. Anyhow we came up with plan where ss teacher will let us know at the end of the week how ss did, he will earn good boy points or bad boy points based upon teachers report. SS actually liked the idea, although there was a sticky note in his folder yesterday saying he had paid attention & stayed on track, but was making lots of noises ect..

Watch your back & document this, otherwise I wouldn't be surprised if you get billed for the entire amount.

Caitlin's picture

So BM emailed my fiance this morning and very clearly stated in bold and underlined text that she still expected him to pay for the tutoring. (At least this time, she's implying that they'd share the expense. Up until now, she's been insisting that he pay for it entirely.) She even CC'd SD's therapist, as though she's going to get her support on this.


Dear M,

I am canceling today's (Wednesday, January 31, 2007) interview with the tutor due to SD's science project. I hope to reschedule for next week and will try to time it so you can come after work. I will let you know. I still maintain that financially supporting SD's tutoring is our responsibility.

Cordially,
L

The fact remains that the money isn't there. After paying out child support, alimony, health insurance for himself and SD, plus all the medical bills coming in for SD's treatment, my fiance is so far in the hole it isn't even funny. His take home pay is below the federal poverty level. The only reason he has a roof over his head is because I pay for everything in our household. Yes, everything.

His response was simply:

Neither you nor I can afford $400.00 per month. The school has many resources for helping students with schoolwork. If we had the money I would be happy to help pay for this. But we don’t have the money.

I think he needs to be clearer and say that he will not be held financially responsible for her poor decision making, spending money that they don't have. That expensive tutoring is not the answer when there are plentiful resources to help SD get caught up that don't cost a dime. I just don't want it to appear that he's refusing to pay for something that is necessary. This is an unnecessary expense. I wish she would stop being unreasonable. (That'll be the day!)

Caitlin's picture

After discussing it with me, he went back and wrote to BM to clarify and spelled it all out in no uncertain terms that he will not be held financially responsible. He even asked her to please stop being unreasonable.

So, these past few days of peace with BM are officially over. Bring on the parental alienation and suffering! I just feel bad for SD, because BM will lash out at us to her and try to convince her that Daddy doesn't care about her education.