I'm sure you've already told him how you feel and how his actions make you feel. That's the disrespect part when he continues anyway, regardless how it makes you feel. He's selfish.

How about you suggest to DH that he put the calls on speaker phone so you both can talk to her? How about you call her and chit-chat with her? How about you kill her with kindness?

She may be getting off on knowing that you dislike her remaining inappropriately involved with her ex, your husband. The more you "fight" it, the more she's going to continue it. From the sound of things, they had a pretty unhealthy relationship, so no surprise that it continues...at your expense.

Clearly your husband has unresolved issues with his past marriage. Telling him to discontinue his relationship with the BM isn't working, is it? He's worried about loosing contact with his kids, albiet through their mother. I don't think he's being a coward, he's being selfish...okay, that is a coward, but he doesn't know it.

I would try the reverse psychology tactic and get involved. Pick up the other phone when she calls, say "hi". Let the husband and the BM realize that the relationship they have is no longer going to remain clandestine; it's going to include you.

If that doesn't work, then I would lay down the firm boundry of: discontinue with this charade or find another wife. Sometimes final ultimatums are the only option. Just be prepared to carry it out when he doesn't acquiese.

I am currently going through a divorce, I found myself in the same situation that your DH has been going through. I know that you have had numerous conversations with him about the stress that you have had to go through. I myself was blind to the hurt or pain that it causes to the new loved one in your life. I have a daughter with joint custody and my ex continued to speak to me about daughter but would always throw in personal stuff and ask me about how my new relationship was going with my GF. My ex also said she wanted to stay friends at least for our daughter. I did not realize at that speaking to her about this stuff was wrong. I felt that if I upset my ex that she would stop letting me see my daughter. Even though my GF was telling me how bad this was and that the X was truly using my daughter to continue a relationship with me, I thought that I had to keep a friendship with the X. I am glad that I was able to see the true side of X when she sent numerous emails to me and copied GF on them stating so many things that had been said (between X and I) in the beginning of the separation, twisting words and conversations to make it sound like something was up between us (ex and I) to current GF. The entire duration from start to finish of the “friendship” with the X was a total of 4 months. I wish that I had listened to my GF and realized what the X was doing from the beginning. If I had opened my eyes and seen the X for what she truly is, I would not have caused so much hurt and pain to my GF. My GF would also still have the faith and trust she used to have if I had realized this thing with my X.

My situation is a little different though because I have a 9 month old. I don’t see how he thinks that she is holding his kids over his head at this point seeing that they are almost all grown up. I truly love my GF and still can’t get past the hurt that I caused her by not seeing all of this before. I know how you feel and my GF still has a hard time with the fact that it had happened in the beginning. DH truly needs to open his eyes to the deceit and hurt that he is causing you. My GF and I have setup an email account for all communication about daughter. All phone calls are scheduled so that the X or me can speak with our BD, depending on who she is with. This is all recent to me so I can say I understand. I am truly happy with the one I am with now and spend as much time as I can with her. I myself am looking for a way to make up for the pain that I have caused in the past but still have not completely done so and don’t think that that will truly happen. I am just looking forward to a better future with GF and planning on spending my life with her. I hope that together and over time the anguish from my stupidity will ease the pain that I have caused. I am lucky to still have GF, as she was on her way out the door if things had not started to change. Sit down with your DH and tell him again your feelings. To be honest, the only thing that made me realize what was happening was when my GF was going to leave me. So, we set the boudaries that needed to be set 4 months after they should have been set. You have been dealing with this crap for 9 years? My GF would not have lasted that long. I know this is not what you want to hear but while you want him to set the appropriate boundaries with his X because he wants to....well if you have told him how it makes you feel and he still doesn't do it...sounds like he doesn't want to and in that case it means no changes will be made. Sorry...hope this helps even if just a little.

Well I can tell you that she has had both feet out the door and the only reason she didn’t actually leave is because I begged her to stay. She has even packed my stuff for me. I have stayed at hotels while going through this and have truly seen what the outcome could have been, so in a sense yes she has left to help open my eyes. I am sorry I thought that I had read that you had been going through this for 9 years must have been a different article that I was reading but 2 years is a long time for you to be going through this. There is NO way in Hell my GF would have allowed that to happen. If I had not made the change when I did (4months in) she would have been gone. I know that you don’t want to leave him but maybe leaving even if it is just for a few nights with out letting him know that it would only be a short period. Pack a few things for yourself, leave your lingerie on hanging on his side of the closet. Leave a note saying you had me from hello this might be good bye, to let him think about his actions. I know a few nights knowing what you had and not having that when you feel that you need it most can really open ones eyes but that is if he indeed wants the same thing that you do.

We (GF and I) are at this time still trying to work on regaining the trust that we have lost due to this. GF also has a wonderful daughter that we both adore and are working together to make things work. We both have accounts on here and look for advice to help with our situations as well and at the same time hope that our experiences can help others with theirs. You will find that some responses to your posts may come off as negative but read between them and decide for yourself which ones really apply to you.

I am separated because of this ex issue...each story I've read here I have a thousand to add to it but basically, my DH who I love dearly and believe he loves me is so intertwined with his ex (not physically but emotionally and mainly it is anger and guilt) that he isn't able to move on. She said "Why do you try harder with her then you ever did with me?" and he feels guilt...why did you take her to NYC when you know I always wanted to go there...so after thousands of these and her horrible games and tyrades...he moved out and I believe it was to ultimately please her...avoid conflict he always says. He is sad now and my marriage is almost over if not already...two people who really love each other being ripped apart because he can't see that the things he does feed her inability to move on with her own life...deep down, for some reason, I fully believe when she starts to..he does something to undo it and I really don't believe he wants to be with her - it's like he needs the attention and anger from her...anyway, your blog gives a little hope. THanks.

He has to decide what he wants and then make that commitment. Is he completely over his first relationship? If not, he has some work to do. Some guys like to add before they subtract (ladies too!). Either way, you deserve someone who is committed to the relationship as much as you. I often tell my husband "love, the feeling, isn't enough. It takes love, the choice, to make a marriage work well." Good luck with everything sadgirl. Take care of you...there is hope...for a better future as long as you deal with the emotions of today!

Yes, I am glad that BF finally woke up and realized what X was doing and the toll that it was taking on our relationship. While things have gotten better over the last few months, our realtionship is still something that we are constantly working on. Mainly the lack of trust that I have for him. It is difficult to get over the fact that all of our issues (be it problems or good times) were discussed by him with the X. The hardest part for me to forgive is that these personal conversations were not taking place at home like the conversations regarding their daughter were. When they talked about the daughter, he was at home or I was around. The personal conversations which included details about arguments between him and I or when I was leaving etc (and even him asking her advice on how to handle the argument!)....All of these were happening during the time they scheduled to have these conversations. Such as when he was at work (minutes after I dropped him off) or on the nights when I had school. I had to find out all about it by checking his email, phone, and myspace account, because he claimes it was "all about his daughter." I always wondered how she knew so much about me and our relationship...hmmmmmmm. Not to mention the horrible feeling I had in my heart. So, while I feel extremely lucky we have made it this far, I still hold resentment toward him for freely making me an open book to his X.
If you decide to continue with your DH and he finally wakes up to what is is doing, just think about the after effects of what has happened over the last few years. Trust doesn't happen over night, especially when it has been broken so effortlessly.