Walking on eggshells around BM
So we finally found out that BM made SD an appointment for an evaluation at the clinic where she would attend day therapy from 9am-3pm Monday-Friday. Although I strongly feel I should be there, my fiance and I decided that the potential fall-out from BM would not be worth it. He will attend the evaluation with them and hopefully BM will not throw a fit about it. (She will definitely throw a fit if I dare show up.)
Our plan is that once SD enters the program, my fiance will introduce me as an essential part of our family and as such, I should be a part of SD's family therapy in the program. Then we’ll see if BM can fight an entire clinic in addition to SD's current therapist to convince them that I should not take part.
It just burns me up that we give BM the control, out of fear of her driving SD into another terrible, suicidal state. I just don't see any other way.
But damn, I should be there!
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Under the circumstances...
I think what you have planned is good. Once she's admitted, you'll be able to take part.
What does the current TT think of all this?
What does TT think?
Well, TT sees the truth of the matter. She sees us as a sensible couple with the best interests of SD in mind. She sees BM as a tantrum-throwing mentally ill insecure woman who is impossible to work with because she is so set in her ways. She has virtually given up on BM, and is focusing on helping SD deal with how BM abreacts to everything she doesn't like - ie. SD's life with us - rather than trying endlessly to help BM change her ways.
TT knows that you must TREAD CAREFULLY with BM. She doesn't want to set her off, because it affects SD's fragile mental health when Mommy is misbehaving. Therefore, BM gets away with a LOT more than she should. We just don't see another solution.
Well, we do see another solution actually - for the longer term anyway. Taking custody away from her. Hopefully the judge will feel the same way.
Another thought
I think you should have the TT write a synopsis to the court and even maybe this new clinic. Does the TT seem willing to get involved with court proceedings, or is she hesitate? The reason I ask is because some will stick their neck out for you, others are hesitate because it's such a security thing, but the simple truth is that as long as this child is still in contact with this psycho mother, she's never going to get past the thrush hold of her antics- period. I don't care how you paint it, the fact remains she's still getting constant feedback from her mother, constant reenforcement. The clinic may be a good thing in essence because she may be separated from BM, where they may restrict the family (that includes father side as well) from contact.
She really needs to be placed in a facility for a short spell, in my opinion. (Both BM and SD...but take what you can.) But I'm only basing this on what you've written and I don't see everything, obviously.
The way that I look at it is yes, there will be huge outbursts, turmoil, fits but it's like a rehab situation in many ways. Once you get over that initial detox, then the real healing process begins. Once you have been separated from the toxic episodes, and certainly the child will act out, but in a facility, they are prepared for it. They are constant watch, they have nurses, psychiatrists, intensive therapy sessions. It could take time, but it could be quick. Don't know because what I've been reading that every time you take two steps forward, because of the constant contact with BM, SD takes one step backward.
*sigh* I don't know. Hang in there. I feel for you, I certainly do. It's easy for us to just spew out our opinions and suggestions, because we are observing it from a distance, based on an outsider's view. Sometimes that's good, and sometimes it's bad. I suppose the best thing to do here is follow the TT very closely. :?
BM refuses to admit SD to a hospital
BM refuses to admit SD to a hospital because she wants her under her influence at all times. I think she KNOWS that if she's shut out of SD's treatment, that SD might actually start to get better and then not want to come back to her. Plus, she wants to be there every step of the way to influence and manipulate the doctors in the program.
This clinic is a DAY clinic, not overnight, so SD will continue to go home to the madness every night. The program is VERY family-oriented - they want family members there to participate in the treatment. BM says that I should NOT be there because I am not SD's family. (She's "right" - we're not married - but HELLO! I'm not going anywhere, I'm her SM, I'm the partner of her father, I'm the mother of her sister, I help her with her homework, I take care of her when she's here, I have a vested interest in her mental health, my "status" won't change on our wedding day, PLEASE!)
Anyway, I like your rehab analogy. And you're so right. When we first get SD, she often seems troubled, down, not herself, tried, grumpy, she'll complain of a myriad of illnesses or injuries to get attention. Within a few hours, she's happy, bouncy, having fun, like she just needed to detox from her mother's poison and she's fine.
Thank you so much for your suggestions. I so appreciate the feedback and outside insight. It's easy to lose perspective when you're drowning in this garbage.
BM playing more games
Well, last night when my fiance tried to arrange getting to the evaluation appointment with BM, (he doesn't drive) she skirted around the issue, playing her usual games. He said, "tell me where you need me to be so I can catch a ride over there with you. Should I come to your apartment?" and she said, "Well, I might be downtown. Where will you be? Well, I could be going to Radnor (another nearby town). What do you want to do? Well, tell me where you'll be and I'll see if I can take you. I don't know. (sigh, gasp) Oh, can't you just get there on your own?"
He just said, "yeah, sure, I can get there on my own" because he could see he was getting nowhere with her. So we fretted about it last night and just came to the decision that I would take off work to go with him, even though it could cause GREAT madness from BM and undue stress for SD. We both felt sick with worry over it, but he HAS to be there, I SHOULD be there, and BM should NOT have this kind of control over our lives. The fact is, she DOES!
So today I checked public transportation and there's a train station right next to the clinic. Phew! All that worry over nothing. He CAN get there on his own! Thank goodness because the amount of stress I was feeling about just the THOUGHT of going there was making me worry about the safety of my unborn child. Seriously! Pregnant women should not go through this kind of crap!
I don't know..
Caitlyn**
This is just my opinion.. But you are actually a huge part in this. The mother is very much in denial that the father of her daughter has moved on with his life with you and is having children with you. You are the BM reason for all her madness.. (Shear Madness) ok that was just to get you to smile a bit.
Anyways I think you should attend. What it will show is how the BM reacts to the very site / thought of you. They will truly see her true colors. Which in my opinion are not very pretty. Obviously she cannot know you are there until after she is all set up and checked in for the evaluation. You are there because #1. you are a genuine person who cares deeply for this little girl who is in trouble from what I see.. All at the hands of her immature, insecure over bearing control freak mom. #2. you are with her father in a committed relationship and you being there is going to show him and give him your support, let your SD know you are there for support for her. So not going I think you are cheating the situation in a sense because the BM will not sho wher true colors.. and they may see her colors later but it may be to late. Is this making any sense or am I off my rocker in how I am looking at the situation?
I just think it would be beneficial for all involved...
Happy
I'm on the fence!
Happy, you're SO right and I totally agree with you! Well, I guess about 50% of me agrees with you and the other 50% (the BM-fearing half!) tells me to let both parents attend this evaluation and I'll come in on SD's family therapy later on.
I actually copied and pasted your post in an email to my fiance, as food for thought for us both. He and I will discuss it and see.
I'll let you know how this comes about!
Well I am glad that what I said
May have given you some insight on the situation. If you were my ex's GF I would include any one of you woman in all situations that arose. I believe that because you are there and you take care of her when she is at your home that you two have made for her. That you have every right.
It will also show the TT and other Dr.'s how scared or upset the mother can make her and maybe with the mother throwing her normal *Caitlyn* fit it will send the daughter into a fit of rage or whatever the depressed suicidal tendancy and they will help you and her father in the way of maybe getting custody of her and putting her into a safer better enviroment. I know you are scared obviously this woman has done things to you and your man. But you cannot let her win. She is not a fit parent in my eyes. At 11 no kid thinks of suicide and screams I just want to die. There is a reason for it. Her mother is driving her insane.
So if you do go I see a negative turning into a positive for all involved. They may not include you and you may sit outside but let her mom see you and show her colors so that you and your husband can once and for all get this little girl out of her hell she is living in.
Again Happy..
We haven't discussed it in person yet, but he wrote back
This is what my fiance had to say about what you wrote, happy.
It is a good response and it would show L’s true colours. But my fear is what it would do to K to have L wig out at what is supposed to be a safe environment for K. I still think it’s best to get the input of the staff at the clinic before you and I go there together.
But I also agree that you are a hugely important part of this and *must* be involved – and soon.
I love you.
I think I will leave this evaluation to the bioparents and then attend the family therapy sessions. I just don't have the fight in me right now. I can't handle a BM freak-out tomorrow and I know SD can't either! I've been torn about this all along, and I'm still not 100% certain it's the "right" thing not to go, but I think it is the safer decision.
We will discuss it in further detail tonight and perhaps even call TT to ask her opinion. She will probably say the same thing that my fiance is saying because she's afraid of BM too!
What if you weren't her SM?
What if you weren't her stepmom, dad's fiance or whatever other term you could use to describe your relationship? What if this were anyone else who was helping to care for SD, helping to raise her and spending significant time with her? Let's say that BM was raising her totally alone, without dad or you, and was having, for example, a grandparent or an aunt or a cousin help out with babysitting? What if BM and SD were living with BM's parents? What if BM had remarried or had a SO who was highly involved? Would THEY be involved in the counseling? Probably so, so why not you? I don't see what official relationships have to do with anything. I think REALITY is what matters and the REALITY is that you ARE a parental figure in this child's life, no matter what your official status is. Just by virtue of the fact that you gave her two half-siblings, are her father's partner in life and are helping to raise her, I mean, my God, ink on paper doesn't make you a stepmother or a parent. It's what you do for her that makes you a parent. Her BM probably will never see it this way, but I am sure her mental health providers most defintely WILL see it this way. That initial evalution? I wouldn't sweat it. But you would definitely need to be a part of her treatment and I'm sure the professionals treating her will agree.
~ Anne ~
Reality
You know, you are so right about the reality of the situation. BM is so hung up on semantics all the time and just refuses to accept reality. She insists I'm not family, because we haven't made it official yet, and she keeps the focus on that, instead of on the role I play in SD's life. She's the master at avoiding issues and making it about something else until you forget what your point even is.
Ink on paper doesn't make you a stepmother or a parent. It's what you do for her that makes you a parent. I like it, I think I will use it as my mantra when dealing with her!
I'm going to add this...
I agree with everyone on this totally. 100%...
But one thing that I want to add, and find a little irritating is that by the mere fact that everyone- including your husband, is using the excuse that it's for SD benefit, she'll go nuts, won't want to put her through that... um, you just reinforce your missed position in that 'family' by bowing down to everyone and not going, all because no one wants a child to act out... yet, if she's in a clinic, what better place?!?!?!?!? If both mom and daughter are so dysfunctional, I mean, they are at a clinic, right? What is a better place than that? (Besides a hospital...)
I think this is a PERFECT opportunity to take a stand HUSBAND and ALL, and be there for your SD. I just think that is such a cope out because your husband doesn't want to bother with it... HELLO! This is why you are in such a position in the first place.
I mean total respect for you, I just think that it's utter bull that you 'can't be involved'. In fact, what I see is it totally reinforces to SD and gives gratification to BM that you are -nothing, invisible, you don't exist- when in fact, the rest of us KNOW who is the REAL mother here. You are flesh and blood who bleeds just like BM, why are you any different? Just utter frustrating to me. (This is where I need one of those smilies with the steam out the ears...)
I know! You're right, Step Mom!
I feel the same way! Yet, guess what - I'm not going! (I would have had to leave half an hour ago, so it's definitely not happening.) Argh, I'm so frustrated! I hate this.
Yes, this is the perfect opportunity to take a stand. Yes, the clinic is the best place for BM to flip out and show her true colors to the staff. Yes, the staff needs to see firsthand that BM is MAKING HER DAUGHTER SICK. Yes, by not going, I'm gratifying BM who wants to deny my existance. It's just. not. right!!! (Insert steaming-eared-smilie here.)
My fiance spoke with TT last night and she recommended that I not attend the evaluation. She is so afraid for SD's mental health that she doesn't want us/me to do anything to jeopardize her getting evaluated at the clinic today. BM is capable of tearing out of there with SD at first sight of me, and YES, that would just PROVE to the staff what a lunatic she is, but what it would also mean is that SD's treatment would be delayed yet again, and worse - what if the stress on SD over this was so great that she actually succeeded in throwing herself out the window this time?!
I feel like the mother in that Bible story where two women were fighting over a baby, both claiming it as their own, and then Abraham or someone (sorry, I'm a bit rusty) came up with the "solution" of splitting the baby in two, so that each woman could have half the baby. Well, the evil non-mother said "ok, great idea" whereas the true mother sacrificed her claim to the baby just so the baby could live.
I just want this baby to live.
Update
Just got a text message from my fiance that they've just completed the first round of the evaluation and they're admitting SD to the program - today! He was just about to go in for a family evaluation with BM. (Too bad I'm not there for this part! Grr.)
ARGH! Venting needed!
Just got another text message. This one said that SD said that Pop Pop (my step-father) sits her on his lap and tickles her and makes her uncomfortable, and also says hurtful things about her mother and grandfather! She also mentioned worrying about their smoking because he and my mother smoke like chimneys, which I totally understand, but the other part is garbage!
Every time we go see my parents' (mom and step-dad), SD runs to them, gives them big fierce hugs and just has the loveliest time and begs to go back every weekend she's with us. BM has always HATED this. She even said to me once on the phone, bawling, "SD already HAS a grandfather!!!" as though SD's relationship with my step-dad is going to take away from her relationship with her maternal grandfather. Oh please! There's enough love to go around! In the beginning, BM officially forbade us from taking SD there, saying that we did not have her permission to take her daughter out of state. Well, as we all know, she has no legal right to do that, so we go when we feel like it, and it infuriates her.
BM drills drills drills SD the minute we drop her off after our weekends. When we do go to my parents', the drilling must be even worse given how much BM hates that SD loves my family and vice versa. SD probably confided in BM about her discomfort regarding the smoking that goes on over there and well, she's the master manipulator - my feeling is that she's planted these other ideas in SD's head to make this whole family therapy thing not about what BM does to hurt her kid, but what MY family does to hurt her kid. And given that SD is fiercely loyal and protective of Mommy, she's going to bat for her!
Why why why why WHY? I can't even believe this is happening.
It's called attention. SD
It's called attention. SD has been getting so much negative attention that it's programmed in her.
Hang in there. Hurtles come one step at a time, one step at a time... but believe me, I FEEL YOUR FRUSTRATIONS! LOL...
I got the scoop - this psychiatrist is good.
I just got off the phone with my fiance after the 3-hour evaluation. He said that the thing about what SD was saying about my step-dad was no big deal, that the psychiatrist just told SD about setting boundaries whenever she felt uncomfortable.
The whole thing came up because, not surprisingly, BM kept trying to make SD's mental state other people's fault and not her own. She kept saying over and over again that "SD feels tremendous pressure to be a part of this one's family." (Don't you like the way she refers to me?) She says this as though SD was thinking about the pressure to fit into my family (and NOT the pressure she's under to take care of mentally unfit BM) as she was hanging out of her fourth-floor window saying she wanted to die. I don't think so!
They talked about me some, and the psychiatrist said to SD, "Caitlin's a part of your life, so Caitlin will be a part of family therapy." As soon as the psychiatrist got to the third word of her sentence, BM interjected: "uh, no. Well, no. No!" She kept insisting and the psychiatrist basically ignored her and focused on SD. She asked her if she liked me, and SD said (in front of BM!) "yes, I love her very much." Mind you, her loyalty to BM has her saying that although she loves me and her baby sister, she wishes we hadn't come into her life because she just wants her parents to be together. (As if I'm the reason they're not together. Ha!)
Bottom line is, my fiance and the psychiatrist both insisted that ALL parents participate in SD's treatment, so BM is just going to have to deal. I can't wait for her to flip out in front of this psychiatrist.
YES A COMPETENT THERAPIST!
YES A COMPETENT THERAPIST! FINALLY!
I just have so many hesitations about the other TT, but I'm not there, I don't know the exact story, so I held my breath... still am. I guess we'll wait and see what happens from here, huh? Can't get to excited since we know that BM will probably try to pull SD out... this will get interesting.
I know, I'm so relieved
In this type of intensive program, if BM tries to pull SD out when she doesn't get her way, I think that they will take that SO SERIOUSLY. I doubt that they would let her get away with it. I think TT was so helpless to BM's acting out, as she only saw SD once a week for an hour and she couldn't MAKE BM bring her in when she was pissed off at not getting her way. So she walked on eggshells around her, just to keep SD in therapy. I can't say I agree or disagree with how TT handled the situation, but I can definitely understand.
Now, it has been determined that SD is a child IN CRISIS, in need of psychiatric medical attention, so if BM dares throw a hissy because I'm participating in the treatment, then I think this psychiatrist will have a serious talking-to with her. It seems to me that this woman will NOT be manipulated. Hooray! I think they'd hospitalize SD against BM's will and separate the two of them before they'd let her pull her from the program.
Thank you Fearless!
Yes, I have high hopes that things are looking up from here. I think SD is finally getting the help she needs and I'm crossing my fingers that the days of BM manipulating SD's mental health providers are OVER!
AMEN!
AMEN!
Caitlin
I'm so glad to hear that your SD is in a place where she can get some help in dealing with this. They may never be able to straighten out BM, but if they can at least teach SD how to survive her mother, then that would be a huge plus. I think about you guys often and really feel for what you are going through. I hope this is the beginning of the end of all the trauma this poor kid is going through.
~ Anne ~
P.S. Don't forget to take care of YOU!
Caitlyn..
I am so glad that they included you because you are a major part of this. I cannot wait till you email us saying you are getting married.. Not that the paper does anything but provide you his last name and make it totally legally official that you are family. I mean you are.. In my eyes anyways..
I wish you luck on this journey and I bet you they know the real scoop after yesterday. And when you start going it will hit home that she is the whole reason her daughter is in the mental state she is. Its her mother.. Doing it to her. All kids want there natural parents together.. I mean I am 31 and sometimes wonder what if.. But my dad was a "child molester" so its best this way. And I will say this much I am a well rounded person because of everything that has happened in my life and I am very proud of it and who I am. I have no regrets in my life anymore. Its like we are in school everyday of our lives and everyday something new gets pitched at us whether its good or bad but seriously its awesome.. I love my life and all the crazy things that have happened. So I am wishing you strength to find patience thru out all of this. And from what I know and have read so far you are just an awesome person. You have been a "GOOD INFLUENCE" on your SD so keep up the good work..
Love to you and your family..
Happy
Light at the end of the
Light at the end of the tunnel for you guys to end the craziness from this woman...so everyone can get on with their lives and be happy.
Thank you, everyone
Thank you, everyone for being there with me every step of the way. Not that we're out of the woods yet, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. (A tunnel in the woods? I'm making no sense!)
My point is that BM will most likely not change, but at least SD is in a place where she can learn how to survive this, and I do feel strongly that BM will not be able to manipulate the mental health system to her advantage anymore. She is just digging her own grave with her godawful behavior. She continues to play games with her daughter's head and everyone sees it, so I feel a lot less helpless about the situation now. We finally have some allies! And we didn't even have to do anything to find them - these people were chosen by BM herself!
I'll keep you posted on SD's progress. We're picking her up tonight for our weekend and we're really looking forward to spending some quality time with her.