SD's banquet
Ok, here we go again. SD's swim banquet is coming up next month and we need to RSVP. It lands on our weekend and naturally, we all want to go and support SD in her accomplishments. Well, if I know BM, she will fight tooth and nail to keep me from going. I am conflicted as to what I should do. Part of me says, "I have every right to be there! BM can suck it up! I need to be there on principle." The other part of me says, "I am pregnant. The stress and anxiety over BM's abreaction to my presence is really unhealthy for my unborn child." In the past, I have not attended simply because of scheduling conflicts and my fiance attended with them on his own - which of course made BM very happy. The banquet has never fallen on our weekend with SD either, so this is a first.
So here are some of the possible ways this can pan out:
1) We pay our $25 a ticket, get a babysitter, hold our heads high and sit on one side of SD with BM on the other. We of course will be cordial and upbeat for SD, BM will be sullen and moody, but that is her choice.
2) We give in to BM's tantrums and I drive SD and my fiance to the banquet - 2 hours for 2 round trips! - and pay for it all because my fiance doesn't have a dime to his name. (Wow, this option sounds GREAT! I just love getting the shaft to keep BM happy.)
3) We tell BM that if she is going to exclude me from the banquet, then she can exclude my chauffering services and my wallet as well. She can drive from her town to our town and back again and then do it again after the banquet to pick them up and drop them back off. She can also pay for SD's ticket, because I sure as hell am not paying when I can't be there. (I'll throw in for my fiance's ticket because I'm that generous.) BM will likely still throw a hissy because this would be asking too much of her.
What do you guys think? Do you have any other suggestions? I am so tired of the drama. Normally I would just go and say screw her, but I really do have my health and my baby's health to worry about. Why does this have to be so difficult?!
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I would choose option #1
And I have made this choice many times... School events should be nuetral territory. Even tho you will feel uncomfortable and BM may be moody.. you will be supporting SD and that is what matters.. However, If you start to feel stressed, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, or outside to get some fresh air. Your baby should be your #1 priority.. Things that I choose not to attend are parent/teacher conferences, most Dr. apts, ect... But I do go to as many of SD's games, events, concerts and school activities as I am able. Sometimes I feel awkward, but I put on my happy face, smile, ignore BM, and cheer like hell for my SD! I do all of this because I love her, and I know how much it means to her.. There have been times when DH and I were the only ones there to watch her events, week after week.. BM had "other plans".
Thanks for your reply, Kitty721
I am so with you on attending SD's games, events, concerts and school activities to support her. That's why I've attended every last one of her swim meets to cheer her on. It only makes sense that I would go to the end-of-season banquet. I really don't care about feeling uncomfortable at the banquet itself, I'm really fine with being there and I'll have a smile on my face the entire time, but it's the month of emotional abuse leading up to it, and the way SD will be subjected to countless hours of badgering and guilt-tripping because BM wants her to side with her.
One day of a bit of stress I can certainly handle; an entire month is dangerous for the baby, let alone dangerous for SD considering what she's been through in the past month. (In case you're not up to speed, SD tried to jump out the window on 2 or 3 separate occasions and once held a butcher knife to her chest saying she wanted to die. All because of the pressures from BM. These suicide attempts landed her in a psych clinic for 2 1/2 weeks and she was out of school for a month. See what we're up against?)
Pressure From BM??
Can't you do anything about that?? I would say that BM is emotionally abusing the SD. Have you ever read the book Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard A. Warshak? It has some helpful tips regrading parental alienation.
SD is in intensive therapy
When BM freaks out about me attending the banquet, we will bring it up with the Family Based Therapy team who is working with BM 2-3 days a week in their home to get her to change her ways. The Family Based Therapy is in place because the psychiatrists at the clinic could see that SD was only sick because BM was making it so. They figured that intensive Family Based Therapy was the only hope at getting SD better (by making BM better.) If at the end of the 9 months nothing has improved, they will recommend a change in custody. We fully expect her to come live with us; we know that BM is incapable of seeing this as her fault and actually improving her behavior. We're looking forward to having SD full-time!
I will look into that book. I can use all the helpful tips I can get!! Thanks!
# 1
It is the best choice.
I admit, I'm not up to this stage yet. I'm still on the small scale, but I imagine the felling is similar.
For example, the girls will tell me they want me to go along on the 40 minute ride to bring them home. BM has had fits. BM says that if I'm as nice as everyone claims I am, I should respect HER feelings and not ride home with them.
Am I suppose to respect her feelings?
Car rides..
Do what you want.. She'll get over it eventually.. This has never been a problem for us. I do choose to stay in the car once we get there... BM did have a fit about SD riding in a car that I was driving in the beginning, but DH told her to go pound sand.. Certian feelings/requests should be respected, unreasonable ones should not.
lol. I thought is was pound salt.
This is what scares me. If she's pitching fits over me being in the car, what's going to happen as things progress. Once she threatened that she was going to get a restraining order if I continue to go along for the ride!!!
My BF's response is she can go pound salt!
Boundaries
See, this is where BMs start to cross their boundaries. It is not BM's decision who rides in the car. BM does not run your household. She needs to get used to the reality of the situation, meaning that her ex has a new woman in his life. I'm sorry if it's painful, but there comes a time for acceptance. I'm not trying to sound cold, but I've just put up with this nonsense on the other end for so long!
BM throws a fit whenever I drive SD home without her dad in the car because he has to stay home with the napping baby. (My fiance doesn't drive.) But I am not about to wake a sleeping baby just so he can accompany us on a 90-minute car ride to appease an irrational unreasonable person. She has threatened everything from legal action to withholding custody just because she doesn't want me to drive her daughter alone. When we demand to know why, she just says "you have to understand." It's so darn ridiculous! If I can chauffer her kid around with dad in the car, why can't I chauffer her around without him in the car? It should be a non-issue.
Exactly!!!
This is the shit that drives me nuts. Why, why, just because she is the BM does she get to run the fucking show??????
You talk about BM needing to get use to the reality, This woman has been in therapy for years!!! The girls have so many different couselors, I think they are making things worse. Although, I believe it was you who said the family therapist thinks SD should live with you two. That's GREAT! You mean there is hope! Can we have this groups #? Holy crap, what makes it worse is that BM only hears what she wants and doesn't give BF the whole story. 2 of the girls told us they do not like the therapist and they don't think they are helping BM or them. So what do you do?
Aurrrrrgggg.
We are at a point, we are just tring to take baby steps with this irrational woman. Slowly setting boundaries.
I've really grown to care alot about these girls. I know they are not MINE.
So frustrating!
I feel your pain! We have put up with so much BM bull these past few years. It wasn't until very recently that we started getting support from SD's psychiatrists because SD has now gotten to the point of exhibiting some very serious symptoms of emotional abuse by BM.
So SD has to become mentally ill to finally prove that BM is wrong?! Maybe when your girls start holding butcher knives to their chests or trying to throw themselves out of fourth-floor windows will their counselors wake up and help them.
Good luck to you. Just hold on to the hope that the stability that you and BF provide to those girls will be enough to get them through BM's selfish, insecure antics.
OMG Caitlin!!!!
I can't believe the two things you mentioned!!!!!!
Back in Oct. The 14 year old starting wheeleding a knife and was stabing a pizza box durning the 12 year olds birthday party. The BM called the police. In the year I've been with by BF, the police have been called to that crazy house at least 6 times.
Three weeks ago we found out the 14 years old and her 'girlfriend' talked the 9 year old into climbing out onto the roof. The kid slid off the roof of the porch! (Thank God she is ok) When BF confronted BM said claimed she never heard that.
Please tell me at what point are these therapist going to do something!!!!! Isn't there a limit on how many time the police can go to the same house before they do something!!!
And I know what you may be thinking. Get Custody. And trust me, I think things are going in that direction soon. It scares both of us, because BM is so unstable.
On a lighter note, make me laugh, pick another couple situations that might have these counselor wake up. Or maybe the second floor doesn't compare to the fourth floor.
On a lighter note...
Not to be a total downer, but the two things I mentioned are things that SD has actually done recently. She and BM got in a massive fight about her homework at the end of winter break, and she tried to throw herself out the window saying she wanted to die because it got so out of hand. She did it again the next night - opened the window of their fourth-floor apartment and tried to climb out, screaming "it'll all be over soon, don't worry!" with BM pulling her back in by her sweater.
As for the butcher knife, we found out about this in the intensive therapy she entered after these most recent suicide attempts. BM never told us about this episode and it apparently occurred some time last year. The only reason we heard about the most recent attempts was that SD went to her school guidance counselor about it. What more aren't they telling us?!
May we both get custody to save these girls from their unstable BMs.
Are our BM's related?
I'm so sorry to hear you go through it too and worse. I find it so scary that BM lies to BF so much that she has taught the girls to lie as well. Alot of things we don't find out about until way after the fact. And BF gets so fraustrated. We are slowly getting through to the 16 and 9 year old that they are not to lie to us. Now that we have gotten the 16 year old talking we are learning so much more about what goes on in that house and we know we have to do something soon.
Even through your plate is full, I hope you do get custody for their sake.
Oh my goodness! That poor girl!
What is BM going to badger her about? Wanting to know if you'll be there or not? Can DH call BM and tell her he needs to confirm the # of people attending for the RSVP and tell her right then that you'll be going also... That way SD doesn't have to tell her Mom.. Perhaps seating arrangements should be discussed bewteen DH and BM as well, so SD doesn't have to answer questions about that either... Sounds like BM is very insecure about her relationship with her daughter. Is SD still in therapy?
"That poor girl" is right!
BM will badger SD until SD will come to her dad and say "can Caitlin not come, just this once? It's mom's idea, but I support it." This is what she does every time there is an important event. It's so sad. My fiance always tells her that I am a part of the family and I will be there to support her and love her and that excluding me is not the answer.
My fiance will email BM to say that he will be RSVPing for us and SD. When she sees that I am coming, all hell will break loose. We always try to keep SD out of the middle (ie telling her mom for us) but then BM drags her right into the middle quicker than we can say STOP! BM is so very extremely insecure about her relationship with her daughter that she just can't let her have relationships with others (ie me, her dad, her baby sister, my extended family) because she is afraid that she will lose her to us. What she doesn't realize is that their relationship is between them and has nothing to do with us! That SD can have good relationships with us and that doesn't take away from her love for her mom, it's just more people to love. I have little hope that she will ever change. She's a sick sick woman. (She's bipolar, which I think has a lot to do with it.)
Stuck in the Middle with You
"can Caitlin not come, just this once? It's mom's idea, but I support it." Has DH ever said I know how uncomfortable it is for you to be in the middle, I will discuss this with your mother.. you shouldn't have to worry about these things. Then when SD is out doing something (out of ear shot)lay the hammer down on BM. This will need to be done everytime BM uses SD to communicate between the households- regardless how trivial it seems. It takes time, but SD will really appreciate not being stuck in the middle.
It is working here, even though there are times DH has to say please put your mom on and you can hear BM say I don't want to talk to HIM. DH just apologizes to SD/SS and says I will talk with your mother when she is feeling better. And that is usually when she needs something!!! We keep plugging away!
Great suggestions...
We've done them all! So far, none of it is working because BM really is impossible, but with Family Based Therapy now involved, they will also reinforce that it is not ok for her to put SD in the middle like that. She will either change her ways or lose primary custody. Either way, I'll be happy. We would love to have custody of SD, but even if we don't get it because BM's behavior improves, I'll just be glad that SD won't be putting up with BM's manipulating mind games anymore.
Option 1
But take your iPod loaded with calming music so you don't have to listen to her and when you have to look at her, imagine spinach in her teeth.
~ Anne ~
Oh that is comical!
I'm going to use that in the future! LMFAO!!! I love your insight Anne! Thanks! You just put a huge smile on my face :lol:...spinach in the teeth..ha ha ha ha
that is an awesome idea
I love that idea!!! My fiance and I attend everything together for my boys and we just try to stay as far away from the ex as possible. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do things you don't want to for the sake of the kids. As for thing for sd I always go to pick up and drop off with him it is in a public locations because she has tried to get physical on several ocassions with him to try and get him to touch her so he never goes alone. She didn't like it at first but months later she has gotten over it I just stay in the car with the window down (of course so I can hear her comments) (she has never spoken to me which could be a blessing) anyway the same for me he always goes with me to pick up (don't have a drop off biodad picks them up at sitter after school on his weekend) We are a team and are trying to be in this together
It sure will be funny at the next drop off as I let my imagination go to work
My vote is #1 too
I understand that you don't want added stress...but it's a public place, and she can't ban you...if you feel like tolerating her childish behavior, then go. Like Anne said...imagine her with spinach in her teeth! I'm still laughing at that idea!
Bests,
Candice
#1...
If you don't go, it could be viewed as a form of abandonment by SD... while yes, she may say what she needs to because of BM, but inside, she could be to tormented thinking... please come, please come. Especially since you've worked so hard at reinforcing to SD that you are there, support her, love her and are part of her FAMILY. You've taken so many steps, especially with this new group working now, I think it would actually be beneficial to the 'cause', if you know what I mean. BM may be irritated, but when is she not?
What I say about the baby, is go to your Dr. talk to them, and ask if there is anything you can do or take to ease the stress for your baby, and follow their suggestions. Excuse yourself as much as possible to 'refresh' yourself at the event, and surround entertain yourself with other parents there. That's what I do. Whenever there is an event that BM will be attending too, I just gravitate to the other parents and mingle with them. What's funny is that BM is soo insecure because of it, she has even commented once about me "knowing everyone" some grumble she made once, but I don't care. These men and women have seen me there day in and out, I talk with them, we laugh have a great time, and if she did that, well... they won't look at her like... what did the cat drag in? She always sits in the farthest corner, way from everyone, reclusive, she isolates herself. I on the other hand, mingle, laugh, have a great time. So, why not you?
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
RE: abandonment
That's my worst fear, that backing down for the sake of reducing stress levels could be viewed by SD as I don't care enough about her to go. Yes, for the cause, I believe I really should be there. We need to reinforce to SD (and BM!) that I am here to stay and I love her and support her in all she does.
And it's funny - I'm really not worried at all about the event itself. Yes, BM makes my skin crawl, but I can sit and put on a happy face for SD for 3 hours, no problem. We did it for SD's graduation from elementary school and I even ate all my lunch without a bellyache! We all reminisced about SD's childhood - memories from LONG before I came along, but I know the stories - and BM wouldn't participate!! SD wanted to talk about this time when she was 3 and I went along with it and talked about what I knew from the story, and BM sat there pinch-lipped chugging her red wine. SD kept asking "Mom, remember what you did? Tell everybody what you said!" and she just said "I don't remember." WTF? We're here to celebrate her daughter growing up and moving on to middle school and she won't even take part in the celebration because I'm there?!
Anyway, the thing I'm worried about is the effect BM's awful behavior has on SD over the next month leading up to the banquet. She's going to pull all the stops to try to keep me from going and SD is going to be trapped in the middle, worried sick, and possibly pushed over the edge again. (And I in turn will be worried sick as well, which is not good for the baby.) At least we have Family Based Services to help her/us deal with BM this time. I'll definitely keep you posted. We haven't done anything yet, we're still trying to decide. I'm pretty certain that I'm going, but we're just not sure how to handle the informing of BM, whether or not to involve the psychiatrists beforehand or wait and see how it goes, blah, blah, blah.
This shouldn't even be an issue!!!
Definitely #1
Didn't you go through something like this a while back, maybe a Christmas concert at school or something? I remember reading the posts and you were worried sick - but you went and it went wonderfully! I remember you saying that SD was so excited to see you and you hardly even saw BM. Don't stress so much over this banquet - plan on going...and GO...Hopefully after all of this therapy that has been taking place, she will act a teensy weensy bit civil! Fingers crossed!
Yes, the school Christmas concert
Exactly, the Christmas concert was absolutely perfect! We had a wonderful time and SD was thrilled to show us off to all of her friends and teachers while BM sulked in the corner somewhere. I am sure the banquet will be a success too.
However, the 2 days leading up to the Christmas concert were an absolute disaster. Once BM caught wind that I would be there, she withheld visitation, she made SD call her dad to beg him to come without me just this once, she sent emails in desperation to convince him that he was being arrogant by ignoring SD's wishes and refusing to keep his two family units separate when appropriate. She is still convinced that they are a family unit. They split up 4 years ago! It's time to let go!
Anyway, SD was such a wreck because of BM's freak out that even though the concert was raging success, the backlash was almost too much to take. That is the issue.
What a bitch!
Oh God, nothing makes me more mad then hearing a BM used their own child!!!
The freaken nerve of this lady ( And I use the term loosely ) to make the kid call Dad, then be-rate Dad for not listening.
Caitlin, how have you remained calm? Or have you ever let BM have?
I don't know how I remain calm through all this!
For a long time, I just kept saying "I need therapy to learn how to deal with this!!" I never pursued it, for reasons of lack of time and finances, but when I discovered this site last fall, I stopped saying that. Venting here keeps me sane. So, thanks to you guys, I have remained calm!
I've never let BM have it because I know it would be a waste of time. I've tried putting myself in her shoes, I've tried reasoning with her, but you can't reason with insanity. I just ignore her and support my fiance in his dealings with her. We must be doing something right because despite all the parental alienation from her mother, she still has a great bond with us. Her psychiatrists have all praised us in how we're dealing with BM (not engaging, not putting SD in the middle, taking SD back out of the middle when BM uses her as a pawn, etc.)
So we'll keep on keeping on, and now we have Family Based Therapy to help us even further. That's the best news I've heard since I got involved in this mess 2 1/2 years ago!
Great Point New Stepmom!
Glad you brought that up!
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Why Tell BM
do you need to tell BM? Can't you get the tickets from the school directly--tell SD of course your fahter will be there. IF ASKED by SD if you are going tell SD that your not really sure you haven't been feeling well. Try to make it a non issue. If the cat needs to get out of the bag.. make sure it is as close to the event as possible. Oridnarily.. I wouldn't take this approach but for the health/safety of the SD, may be it is better.
Funny banquet story...
I just have to share this. This past Saturday night, there was a "Father/Daughter Dance" held in our town at a local school, sponsored by the Y. My hubby and his two best friends also have daughters, so they thought it would be neat to take them to the dance. So I went out and bought my hubby's girls new dresses and shoes, then on Saturday night, I curled their hair and put a little makeup on them. Then the guys took their daughters out to a nice restaurant and then to the dance - it was too cute! And they looked adorable!
So Monday rolls around and the girls go home to mommy. Tuesday morning, DH gets a phone call from BM wanting to know when the girls' dance recital & pictures were so that she could be sure she had them so she could get them ready! Um, hello, the recital isn't until May and pictures will be in April - can we say jumping the gun a little??? Last night when the girls came back over, they told me and their daddy how they told their mommy all about the dance and how I dressed them up and curled their hair...I guess BM couldn't stand it that she wasn't a part of it and I was. All I can say is...Too bad! I love bonding with the girls like that and I guess she only sees it like I'm trying to take her place.
Caitlin...did you say the banquet falls on your weekend? That means you get to dress her up and get her all cute and ready for the big event!
Our weekend indeed
Yes, SD and I will have a lovely time getting all pretty for the banquet together. BM doesn't know how to share though and will probably try to take her away.
We're older and wiser now and won't let it happen again, but a year or two ago when SD had a cello recital on our weekend, BM made us take her back to her at noon on Sunday (we're supposed to have her until 6pm) to practice her cello and do her hair and get dressed for the 4pm recital. We said, no she can get ready and practice at our house, we'll take the cello on Friday night thank you. Well, she wouldn't let us have the cello. She said that she was responsible for it and that she didn't trust us with it. We had no other choice really, so we brought SD back and lost out on that time together.
BMs can be so territorial! Why do they think that us SMs having a good relationship with their daughters somehow takes away from them? We're not trying to take their place! argh!
Girly Time!
If your SD is anything like my two, they really look up to me for some reason and love for me to help them get ready for special events. Well, they even want me to help them pick out school clothes every time they stay with us, too! I love it and love helping them - BM hates it.
The cutest thing happened last fall. I had to take the youngest (6 at the time) to soccer practice after work. We pulled up and got out of the car and walked over to her field. She started walking away from me to go towards her team when she turned around and started running back towards me - I had her water bottle, so I thought that's what she wanted. Nope! She wrapped her arms around my waist and gave me the biggest hug! It melted my heart. So I turned around to go get in the car and sit and wait and guess what?? There stood BM and her husband! Me nor SD ever saw them, but they saw us and she saw SD hug me. I am sure she could have spit nails at me for that. BM showed up to every practice after that even though it was our night to have the girls. I don't think she ever would have done that if DH had been taking her to practice, but because it was me, she insisted on being there, too.
RE: SD looking up to SM? Oh yeah!
The day I met SD (her dad and I were just friends at the time, we didn't start dating until almost a year after we met), within 10 minutes she was exclaiming "You are so cool! I come back in two weeks, will you come over again? Can we have a sleepover?" She told me she loved me a month after meeting her. We got along like peas and carrots.
When her dad eventually told her that we were going to go out on a date, the first thing she asked was "if it doesn't work out between you, can Caitlin and I still be friends?" She's always telling me she feels like I'm more of a big sister to her than a SM. A lot of it has to do with my age (29). We're less than 18 years apart in age, whereas her parents were 41 and 42 when she was born, so to her they're ancient. Of course, BM hates that her ex ended up with someone 23 years his (and HER) junior, but love knows no age! In fact, I think the reason we waited so long to date was that I was a little hung up on the fact that he was old enough to be my father!! I was so attracted to him though - and vice versa - so we couldn't fight it anymore!
I love that your SD ran and hugged you like that. It just melts my heart. I will keep my fingers crossed that BM's insecurity and jealousy won't poison the love those little girls have for you. I'm still amazed at how much SD loves me, given that her BM has been trying everything in her power to get her to hate me. She no longer feels comfortable giving me hugs in front of her BM, but there was a day when she showed her affection for me very freely in front of her. Unfortunately, BM can't figure out a way to let go and just feel confident enough in her relationship with SD to allow her to freely love whomever she wants, but hopefully therapy will get her there one day. (When pigs fly?)
So I will just say enjoy being the super cool big sister-like SM. I know you're a bit younger than DH and BM, so your SDs probably think you're hip and awesome just by that alone! And from what I can tell in your posts, you have great taste in clothes, hairstyle, maybe other things like music too, so you've got a lot going for you! If BM tries to sabotage your relationship, just keep reinforcing how much you love them and their dad, and they will see the truth. My SD does.
Hung up on age...
I know what you mean about that! I felt the same way when DH and I first started dating - not just the age, but the baggage, too. The fact that he was divorced, had two kids...that was a lot to swallow for a 23 year old! I have always been more mature than my age though, so it never felt too weird. We had a lot in common and I got along better with him than anyone I had ever met! Not to mention the attraction!! It was just unbelievable! The very first time we ever laid eyes on one another was at a bar/restaurant - I was there with a group of girlfriends and he was there with a buddy. I had no idea who he was, but I caught him staring at me every time I looked in his direction. About a year later, we ran into each other at the same place and this time he talked to me and it all started from that. We still talk about the first time we saw each other though - I don't really believe in love at first sight - but there was definitely something!
Looking back on those first dates and falling in love, I would say it is all worth it. A lot of people question what they are doing in these types of situations (ex-wives, stepkids)...but you have to take the good with the bad - and I want my husband for forever so I'll deal with it the best I can!
I know you will be glad when you and your man can finally make it official! SD is going to have a lot of fun with that - well, as much fun as she can without letting BM know about it! I wonder how BM will react when you finally are able to tie the knot?
Aw, I love your story!
So romantic! I love that you couldn't keep your eyes off each other that time in the restaurant and then you met up almost a year later. I love it!
Yes, the baggage is weighty but the good outweighs the bad, doesn't it?
We can't wait to make it official. It will be such a happy day! We may have to unfortunately keep SD out of the loop a little on the planning, which is sad, but we can't risk BM misbehaving. I have a feeling that once we finally tie the knot, BM will completely flip her lid. All of SD's psychiatrists are saying how much they fear what BM will do because she is capable of ANYTHING. Even though she's had 2 1/2 years to get used to the idea of us being together, she's still in fantasyland that he's HER husband. She kicked him out 4 years ago and filed for divorce, but once I arrived on the scene, he was "her husband" again. Ew.
It was so romantic...
All of our time together has been wonderful, but that first year was something else - I felt like I was on cloud nine everyday! In fact, for our one-year anniversary, I bought a journal and wrote something for every month we had been together. I picked something special that happened in each month - maybe somewhere we had gone, or something that had to do with the kids, or a friend's wedding, and the month he told me he loved me...you get the idea. The very beginning though talked about when we first saw each other and everything I told you up above...I'm so glad I did that because now, reading it, it's just so special. And our kids could have it one day and see the story of how we fell in love. I have added a little to it since - like the night we got engaged. It's fun to have.
The good definitely outweighs the bad, as far as I'm concerned. I know a lot of people in our situations say that if they knew then what they knew now, they would never do it again. I don't feel like that and I hope I never get to that point. All relationships have their downsides - nothing is perfect. The worst part of my relationship is an ex-wife that isn't even a part of our day to day lives. I can't complain about my husband at all (well, unless he does something that pisses me off, but as a person, I can't complain about him)! That's an awesome thing!
Banquet update - it's this weekend
So we decided to just RSVP and not discuss it with BM, but since she's hyper-involved with everything SD does, she found out from the event coordinator that we were on the list. She brought it up in the Family Based Therapy appointment last week - my fiance was there, I was not. She said that she didn't feel like we should be there. She said things like "I'm not ready for them to be there" and "we're not there yet" and the therapists patiently explained to her over and over again that she's had years to get used to the idea of me and her ex playing an active role in her daughter's life and that SD wants all her family there supporting her. If she feels like she's not "there yet" then she needs to figure out how to get there, because everyone else is already there. (Bravo, FBT!)
Seeing that she was getting nowhere with that argument, BM then turned it into a money thing. She said - get this! - that we should have given HER the $50 to go toward SD's tutoring, not "wasted" it on paying for the banquet tickets. She went off on a tangent at this point, saying that we also should have consulted her first when we took SD horseback riding the weekend before, because that money should also have gone to HER for the tutoring she insists that SD needs. (Background: she wants us to pay $400 a month for a tutoring program to get SD back up to speed after being out of school for a month. Guess what? SD is thriving in school, on the honor roll, doing fine by seeing her teachers during homeroom and after school, taking advantage of the FREE services the school has to offer. BM doesn't have $400 a month, we don't have $400 a month, SD doesn't need tutoring, so why are we still discussing this?)
Anyway, I paid for SD's riding lesson because it was my Christmas gift to her. I dare BM to tell ME how to spend MY money! Ha! It's just unbelievable that she thinks she can tell us what to do with with our money, not that we have much, mind you! My fiance asked her if it was his right to tell her not to pay for SD's swimming or cello lessons or photography camp (the list goes on) and to put that toward the tutoring and she said "that's different! I'm the MOTHER." The therapists gently reminded her that it would be no different and she said "well, those things hardly cost much at all!" There is just no reasoning with her - it's laughable!
The best part of all this is that she is trying like mad to exclude me from the banquet just as we expected, but instead of it stressing me out and raising my blood pressure, I'm just laughing at how stupidly ridiculous she makes herself look! I'm not too worried about the repercussions for SD, because she has the family therapists to help her through it and to help keep BM from putting her in the middle. Because normally, her next step is to put SD on the phone crying, saying "Daddy, can you please not come this time? It's Mommy's idea, but I support it. It's her thing, and Grandpa's since he pays for it." etc. etc. That's her modus operandi. Family Based Therapy will put a swift end to that!!
I'm just so glad that my stress is to a minimum over this. My baby girl growing inside me appreciates it, I'm sure!