You are here

Pictures of birthparents-- DO OR DON'T

TKO's picture

Submitted by TKO on Tue, 01/09/2007 - 1:06pm

How many of you have pictures up of the birthparents(birthmother or birthfather) in your homes?

When I seperated from my XH, I put up a picture of my daughter and her father together in her room. On one side was their picture and on the other side was a picture of her and I. Both pictures were above her headboard and seperated by a picture of her guardian angel. This has been like this for the last 4 years and in every house and/or apartment we lived in.

There are no pictures of me and my daughter at his house.

My XH is not a very nice person to me and has caused and continues to cause me great pain and trouble. After 4 years of divorce, I had to file a restraining order and was granted it for a longer period than usual. I can't stand to even look at the one picture in my daughter's room each time I kiss her goodnight, but I keep it there for her.

Two years ago her birthfather sent her home with an updated picture of the two of them and she asked me to change the pictures. Just looking at the updated picture of him--made me ill---but I smiled and exchanged the picture out. Since he has sent more and more pictures home with her. Not only of him, but of the child he gave up all rights to more than 10 years ago.....my daughter's unknown 1/2 brother. I really can't bring myself to put up more pictures of this man in my house. I can't even find it in me...right now...to create an album or work on an album with my daughter. My resolve to that was buying her a very nice treasure box that I tell her she can put all these added pictures and things she brings home from her father like notes and such. So far, I it works. It keeps those things out of my sight and allows her to treat them like her "treasures."

I am now remarried and a SM to another beautiful daughter. What I immediately noticed is that there is no picture of the BM anywhere for the SD. When I asked my DH about this, he said he would not put her picture up in his house...anywhere. I dropped the subject. We are now remodeling SD's room and I asked again about putting a picture up of BM in SD's room and he doesn't want to do it. He said he won't look at her face.

Do I just drop it again for now and await for SD to ask or try to be proactive and fair to SD and press more and ask more about it with my DH. I understand completely for not wanting to look at her face. I don't want to look at my XH's or the BM's because of all the trouble they cause, but I do it for my daughter and I know it helps her to look at the picture when she doesn't see him often. I want to do it for my SD too, if it will help her feel that even though there's pain, we're all still a family....just a messed up one Smile or just to have something to look at when there are those moments that she misses her mommy.

Comments

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Tue, 01/09/2007 - 1:20pm

there is noway I want pictures up visibly in my house of my ex. My kids have pictures of him and I on our wedding day and stuff but I do not want to look at them. So I give a round of applaus for even having one up. And your new hubby for allowing it.. (You know what I mean).. Secondly I do not want any pictures of my hubby and his ex up in my house either. She did in her apartment have 3 collages of them up and it made me feel goofy going there to get his daughter.. But she has since took them down and its no longer weird between us but I still would not want more pictures..
Your XH is a nut case.. And he was abusive right? In my book he is a low life piece of garbage. My bio father was a violent man with my mom. One time he beat her with a steel tube for the vaccuum cleaner so bad she had visible blood clots on her legs not to mention I was in her belly.. So people who are abusers are shit in my book. I am glad you are away from him.
I think that even one is to much.

Hesitant's picture

Submitted by Hesitant on Tue, 01/09/2007 - 1:31pm

I'd let my son put a picture of his dad in his room if he wanted to. It's his room and as long as he cleans it, I really don't have an issue with it, no matter how much I dislike my EX right now. My EX is still his BD, and short of killing him, there's nuttin I can do about it! Blum 3

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Tue, 01/09/2007 - 1:50pm

of bm in our house, and we (after many years of fighting) get along and communicate with bm very well.

My thoughts are that your dh should be able to make the choice as to whether or not a picture is put up of his x, just like you get to make the choice. If sd isn't pressing the issue, I would just drop it. If sd notices your daughter having a picture of her dad in her room, and then questions it, well then your dh can politely explain why she doesn't have any pictures of her bm in her room.

The one thing that wouldn't be fair, is if he made you take down your daughters picture of her father. This has been a tradition you have established for your daughter every where you have lived, and I wouldn't stop it now.

So, my advice is to let it go, and if/when sd asks, let dh handle it with his daughter, w/o depriving your daughter. I'm sure if he is pressed by his daughter, he will put up with looking at his ex's face in a picture in sd's room }:-)

Bests,
Candice

sweetthing's picture

Submitted by sweetthing on Tue, 01/09/2007 - 2:08pm

have never asked. DH had some older pics of him & ex in one of those collages that he covered up. I put them away for boys for when they are older. We do have one of those flip photo albums that sit out that have pics of the kids when they were little. There is one of all of them as a family at a ball game. It isn't the one that sits out for viewing mind you, but it doesn't bother me.

Once upon a time they were a family & that is a fact. I think what hurts is seeing old family pics at grandma's house when we visit. She's 80 and has always been good to me. It is part of the fixtures with all her other grandchildren.

Ms.J's picture

Submitted by Ms.J on Tue, 01/09/2007 - 4:31pm

If I could use it as a dartboard. Seriously, there is no way I could handle having her face glare at me on a daily basis. Before I moved into my fiance's house, he had a picture of me on the mantle of the fireplace. One day he came home and "someone" had drawn all over it. BM claimed innocence. Apparently some random stranger just walked in off the street, chose the photo of me and desecrated it. Yes, I'll believe that. So, no... no photo's of her in my home EVER. Unless I can draw on them.

OldTimer's picture

Submitted by OldTimer on Tue, 01/09/2007 - 10:39pm

of his BM in our home, because DH destroy most of them when they divorced. He absolutely can't look at her face, let alone see her in person, but he does what he has to. She destroyed him, his family and took everything with her when she left him- literally. The only reason that SS has a photo of him with his mother is from a school project that the teacher took, and his mother (one of the rarest moments) was there helping. He doesn't have it out visible in our house.

As far as photos go, I tend to lean toward albums, because that way the kids have the freedom to see their photos, and chose how to lay them out, whatever, whenever, but the rest of us don't have to see and be reminded of the other ex. And the album can easily be put anywhere in their room.

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Wed, 01/10/2007 - 9:26am

I wouldn't like it and neither would my husband, but if it were something the kids wanted, we would suck it up. One or two small photos displayed in their rooms would be okay, but I'm not having a montage of the "good old days" on my living room wall. I love the treasure box idea! Maybe you could help your SD come up with something similar.

~ Anne ~