New SM

I am a new SM to a 4 year old SD. I also have a BD that is 6. My ex's girlfriend and BM has not taken to well to me or the new marriage. Several of the things I read in the blogs are what she is doing to us. I've bought books on stepmothering and blending families, but nothing ever really prepares you and helps you deal with a "mean" BM. I'm lucky to have a very yound SD, but I still find myself working and reworking the progress of blending our families upon each return from her BM's home. The latest and greatest things to deal with are...my ex-husband and the BM dating! Doesn't that make life interesting! Especially when I have a restraining order on my XH and the BM doesn't like me one bit. My BD and my SD are confused by their dating every time it happens. The other latest and greatest is the BM is accusing my of abusing SD. Of course the allegations are false, but it's just one more thing she's doing to create havoc. She's trying to get all sorts of people involved and we're trying to limit it and drop it so as to not add...yet more...confusion for our children. I went to pick up SD at daycare this morning, our day, and she wasn't there. I waited an hour....still wasn't there. My DH called BM and left a message asking where she was and when SD would be at daycare. No answer yet. So, although I told SD that I was picking her up this morning, she is no where to be found at this time. I will try again at 3pm when my daughter is done with school. I understand that getting use to me may take BM some time, but all this "crap" that she's doing is really unnecessary.

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I agree

I have been there..only a little different.My ex didn't take too well to my BF.My ex accusssed him of abussing my BC..which is absolutely crazy.My ex even went as far as to accuse me of neglecting and abbussing my BC.I don't even spank my kids...I would never neglect or hurt my children.He still doesn't like my BF and it has been 3 1/2 years.My BF and I actually have to live seperate now because of my ex...he was causing so much trouble that it was starting to destroy our relationship...so we live apart but are still a couple.My BF is here a lot because we also have a son together.

Any way...the SD will adventually get use to you.When my BF and I got together his BC were 3 and 7.We have a very close bond as he does with with my BC.We just took our time bringing the entire clan together.Just show your SD that you aren't there to be her Mom or to replace her Mom that you are there to be her friend and support her when she needs it.Your BD might also like to hear this because it is all new for her to have to share Mommy.It might be a good idea as well to tell that to the BM...remember tis is all new for her as well...she may feel upset about another women helping to raise her daughter...I know I would.

Take care....All the best.

Lacey

Okay, ladies... what's our motto here?

Document, document, document...

Make sure that you 'catalog' all those missed visits, and sadly, you may have to head to court about it. And since it's seems that it's a hostile situation, perhaps you might benefit in getting a mediator, or coordinator that can 'mediate' between you too. Or you need to stick with a very good lawyer and let them help you.

What I find interesting is how did the Xes meet? Whew, boy, I can't imagine having my ex meet my DH's ex.... Oh man. That would just be the absolute worst! I feel for you.

We're not really sure how

We're not really sure how they met. The BM was always into looking into who my DH was dating before me so we think she just simply started asking around and googling me to find out my XH's name once she realized we were serious and had gotten engaged. My XH actually used to work at her company and still knows several people there so that could be a way or simply they met out at the bar he goes to and that we know she also frequents. We live in a small town....

We just think they're using each other to try and get information that can be used to somehow hurt....and just annoy us. Because there is a restraining order on my XH, my DH does not want his daughter anywhere near him, but unfortunately there's nothing we can do. My SD has come home, and in front of my daughter, said things like, "My mommy said if you pick me up again, she's sending you to jail." Which of course, freaks my daughter out and has her confused as to why her BD(birthdad) is hanging out with this woman that wants to put me in jail. Her father also tells her that BM is very nice and to not listen to what I or my DH say. Again, my daughter gets confused and doesn't like to be put in the middle. She's also confused and wants to say things to the BM when she sees her, but I told her she needs to be respectful because it's SD's mother. It just doesn't make for a good situation. The girls feel very uncomfortable, don't know how to act, what can and shouldn't be said and see the tension between all the parents. We really try hard not to talk about it at all until the girls go to bed.

My DH and I just plan to wait it out until they get tired of each other and move on to their next "victim" We're trying to do damage control with the girls when we can and not let the little things...and sometimes big things...that are X's do get to us. BUT I can tell you it's very tiring on our relationship. I swear every other day I'm stopping my DH from calling either of them and yelling at them.

Right now my XH and I area going through the courts over custody and very soon my DH will be going through the same for SD. This next year will be chaotic.

Ok did I read this right..

Your ex husband or BF whatever the father of your daughter is dating your now husbands ex? How freaky is that.. And why? They must really have an interesting relationship!.. I wonder how many times a day your name comes up. WOw.. I am so sorry to you. How crazy of a life you must have. Well you have a lot of support here.. And we should all be thankful I am sorry but that we are not in your shoes.. I cannot even fathom this whole retarded sounded thing.. But I am here for you to vent and offer anything I can. I don't have a lot of advice because I have never been in your shoes..

Isn't it crazy!

Yes, my ex-husband, birthfather of my daughter is dating my "now" husband's ex-girlfriend, which is also the birthmother to his daughter.

Sometimes I laugh at it, other times I'm so mad, and still others I cry at how twisted it can be.

Just think if things were to continue and they get married....what a wierd and twisted family tree our children would have

I just get worried because they are so much alike, that the two of them together can cause and have caused real messes for my family and children. I left my XH because he is....to put it nicely....not a nice person. After 4 years of being divorced from him I had to file a restraining order, again for him not being a "nice person" and I was granted it until 2010! Not once did I think when I finally got most of his headaches out of my life, I would have her...the BM of my SD, walk in to take his place. She truly is the femal version of him.

My DH is so good to me and by my side. I'm very lucky for that. We deal with things one step at a time and always remind ourselves that they are just trying to get a reaction and hurt us, but nothing they say....about my past marriage with my XH can or will really hurt us. What is a pain for me is, I moved on past my failed marriage with my XH, I had a lot to get over and took my time before starting a new committed relationship. Now, that I have one, I don't want to talk about the past again, which is everything the BM tries to bring up. My DH doesn't need to hear about all the details of my past marriage and to be honest, I don't know why the BM, dating the guy, would want to hear of such details, but they keep trying.

We continue to ignore as much as possible and try to be the "bigger" people. We try to treat them as if they weren't dating or as if he were any other boyfriend of the BM in SD's life. The thing that complicates it the most is the restraining order. My SD is very young and now is not the time to explain why mommy's boyfriend can't be around me.

I hope to one day post that they have moved on to someone else and that there's one less thing I have to deal with in trying to be a good step-parent....and parent to my own child

You know what I would do...

since you are obvious in a very tight and complicated situation with the ex converting together against you all... perhaps just ignore them completely, and really focus on the kids. Just redirect everything to them, and make a connection with each one, individually and as a family. My game plan would be to build those bonds of trust and unit as a family.

So, naturally your bond is probably already strong with your own daughter, but I think I would also focus on something creative, or fun with the SD- only you two do, and of course something that only you and your daughter do, and then a group thing just between you and the daughters or as a family in whole. Sometimes, it's better to fight fire with fire, in this case using love and commitment.

Have regular bonding sessions, each week such as baking cookies, or coloring, or shopping. Have a regular family fun night, where the girls pick a movie, and you all sit together as a family. Play games together. Turn off the tv, and focus on one another in some fashion at least once per week, or whenever you have SD, however the arrangement it. Get involved in their school activities and homework. etc. etc.

Literally, erase BM/BD from your mind, and focus on the main thing, the family. This will do two things, it will strengthen you as a family unit, and second, actions speak louder than words and the kids will pick up on this- oh, this is what families do. Let the exes have their crazy life, and just ignore it.

Great Advice

Wonderful advice! Thanks so much! We've starting doing some of that, but I think you're right to really focus, plan and set aside specific time.

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