How do I get my point across....
I'm really pissed at myself and at BF because I can't get my point across about how much it hurts me that he spends so much time responding to BM insane texting and calling. I mean I can understand if you have a problem with the kids and you need to discuss, fine, or if the kids want to talk to you etc. but at 7:55AM, at 11PM, at 1AM this is not about the kids I"m sorry. Yesterday BM started at 8AM with the calls and texts about coming to get some clothes that were left at our house, I mean literally these items didn't amount to anything. And then after her two visits she text BF all day about a missing shirt and underwear of SD! I mean its not like the kids don't have any clothes, and besides a spare set of clothes at our house would not be a bad thing, we didn't have the items anyway. However I would be more than happy to go and purchase a set of clothes for them, my guess is though that they would end up being brought to BM house and we'd be back in the same boat.
Its like jeez get a life, deal with your own and stop bugging us but I can't totally blame her because BF responds, allowing her in like that. Of course his mentality is that he wants to keep the peace and "she's the mother of my children"... that's great and I'm not taking that away from her but it really says alot to me that he continues the madness. Well anyway my whole point here is how do I explain that to BF that it does bother me and that there has to be some kind of boundaries?? I have such a hard time expressing my feelings without just crying? He's very matter of fact and is all about common sense (I know it doesn't sound like it 
but that's what he touts anyway!) Help...
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ok so you want to get your
point taken.. I can relate totally to you.. And you know what.. This is what you have to do.. Even if it is your sister, have her call you or a friend start calling you late at night, texting you whatever.. You will be giving him a taste of his own medicine.. Although she is the mother of his children.. Whether he is with you or someone else, no woman (unless she is leave it to beavers mother) is she going to put up with this bullshit.. I am sorry.. I too was irritated by my husband who freakin paces when he is on the phone especially, but he still does it but it does not matter who he is on the phone with. So I finally got fed up with opening my mouth and so then when someone would call me I would leave the room to talk and he would go who is that or what did he say (my ex).. SO he got a taste of his own meds.. And I might say that he did not like it..
You just have to play that game back.. Not that two wrongs make a right but at the same time you are trying to make your point and telling him is not working.. So try his own game.. You can be a bitch.. We all have it in us..
SO try this..
I totally agree here
The only way he should be talking to his ex at 1 am is if someone is either dead or in the hospital. I tried the same thing that Happy suggested and it DID work (for awhile, then we had to see a therapist about the situation) I actually went a step further though, and called MY ex, or told him to call me at such and such a time to discuss something knowing that my fiance would be there. He got the point. Another thing I did (and I don't recommend this, unless you want to cause a fight) is whenever he would do something, anything... like unload the dishwasher, take a shower... anything I would say "Don't you want to call 'ex' and make sure it's ok with her?" Bwahaha... man that would p*ss him off. Luckily the situation is now under control.
I'm a big fan of Happy's
I'm a big fan of Happy's approach. I've resorted to it in the past..when all else has failed. Sometimes 'actions' speak louder than words...and nothing beats 'walking a mile in someones shoes' to understand what they go through. Don't be malicious about it..be 'matter of fact' since that is what he's all about.
Here's a little update ..
Thank you for your responses and man o' man I would love to do them all but they will cause a fight which sucks. I did text him this morning and when he didn't respond to me right away or even within the hour I text him again and said "you know it really hurts me that you respond to her right away no matter what and not me" (or something like that.) Oh well I'm getting thicker skin. Of course he just got pissed. He hates to be called to the carpet for it, because like I said he feels that he has to respond in case its about the kids or to keep the peace. Well lets see if it doesn't say anything about the freakin kids then no response is necessary. Ohhhh I think this is really hitting a nerve for me
Believe me so many times and it will come out I'm sure one of these days ...I've wanted to say those exact words, "why don't you call or text the ex... to make sure..." That will be a big fight!
My bf doesn't get text, but
My bf doesn't get text, but ex calls constantly...about nothing. Seems she can't parent without him...calls at 10:30 - L is not home yet, she's 15 minutes late. The week before when he had L and she was late, he didn't call ex, he handled it himself. I still think it's a 'she doesn't want him, but doesn't want anyone else to either' thing. He keeps saying at least she tells me things about the girls, or I wouldn't know anything. Well, I have news for him, he doesn't know anything..only what she wants him to know. The other night he dropped off kids after end of his weekend and we had a date to go to Disneyland by ourselves, and he was going to take his cell, I said to him "why do you need your cell?" Then he agreed to leave it in car. And when she calls and he doesn't answer, she never leaves a message. I told him if it's important, she will leave a message, if not..don't worry about it and not call her back. As far as I'm concerned there is way too much communication going on. I thought it was just me that had this problem. And I sometimes wonder if she only calls because she knows we are together most of the week..you know to interupt. And when my daughter (26) calls me and I answer, he always, always, within 15 minutes asks me what she called about. He doesn't tell me what he is talking about with his ex, he talks, hangs up and never says anything. And I absolutely hate to ask...don't want to seem like it bothers me..or that is concerns me. But he always asks. So doing that back to him doesn't work... I just don't have it in me to ask what the call was about?
It sounds like he has pretty
It sounds like he has pretty strong feelings about this, about his need to respond ASAP to BM's requests for his attention. And, you do, too.
What is it that you want him to do differently? Have you asked him to do that? Have you gotten into his heart, into his shoes, felt his love for his children and his desire to continue to parent them despite the breakup, and then tried to understand why he does as he does? Has *he* gotten into your heart, felt your fears & worries, your love for him & tried to understand your feelings on this issue?
I think you need to really try to communicate better with each other on this, if you can. Can you find a quiet time, when he won't feel defenseive & try to talk about it?
apd..
be strong and somehow turn the tables on him.. you can do this.. And it will achieve you what you want.. Make him think? Do not be mean just act a little different and tell me I will call you at certain times.. And then I will leave you messages. What is he going to accuse you of going lesi with a woman from Indiana..
LOL Hang in there girl friend..
EXCUSES FOR PHONE CALLS
LET ME KNOW IF ANYONE FINDS A CURE FOR THIS !
I have one!
Change the phone number ASAP!
What?!?!? What do you mean that won't work?!? Ooookkkkaaayyyy, seriously...
We actually just screen call. Never pick up the phone what's so ever when BM calls. She used to call excessively, but it was to bash my DH on something when she was unhappy with her life and took it out on him as if he was the blame for her misery, or something didn't go her way. So typical of her. Infact, we can still tell when things aren't right in her home front, because of the manner in which she calls and leaves a message with us... if we don't 'return' her call soon enough for her, (forgive us if we have a life and are out of the house!) she calls again and again. And depending on the number of times she's called can determine what drama is going on at her home... literally. So annoying.
So, we got Caller ID, and a new answering machine. We screen all our calls now, and let her 'go to voice mail'- literally. We listen to the message, delete as soon as she goes into a rant, and ignore her in less it's absolutely necessary. Today, she now just leaves the information that we need, and nothing more. We no longer give her the pleasure of yelling at us on the phone to bait us anymore. Secondly, we changed the cellphone numbers too, and all she has is the home number by which to get a hold of us. We can call into the answering machine at home if we need to. SOOOO NICE!