Update from last week...
Last week I wrote about BF's son and his extra-curricular activity (bowling)...BF's son didn't go to bowling two weeks ago (Thursday), while with us because BM didn't pick him from our house that day. He called his mom that night to ask why she didn't pick him up and she basically screamed at him about blaming her for not going to the activity...saying how dare she get blamed for this and that his father was supposed to take him. She proceeded to ask why he did not call her that weekend and he said because "I didn't want to". The conversation ended soon after.
It has been a week since the incident with BF's son getting yelled at by BM. When she picked him up from school last friday, she also yelled and screamed at him all the way driving to her parents' home. BF's son said BM was so pissed off at the fact that my BF told him that it was his BM's responsibility to take him to bowling since she signed him up for the activity (a prior informal mutual agreement). She couldn't believe that she was being blamed for him not going to the activity (and obsessed about it). He also reported that he stayed with his grandparents all weekend (Friday to Sunday) because his mom told him that she crying her eyes out all weekend because he said that he didn't want to call her (while with us).
This manipulating mother has put so much guilt on this child it's going to drive him insane. I find it so hard to believe that she was crying her eyes out all weekend because it's so ironic that her drama happened ALL weekend (she is an alcoholic and hangs out at bars on weekends). He has reported to us that from now on, he is supposed to call his BM every Wednesday when he is with us (BM's new rule for BF's son to follow). The crazy thing about this is that prior to me moving to my BF's state and buying a home together two months ago, BM did not demand that BF's son call her. Now it seems that BM cannot emotionally deal with the fact that I am physically in the picture and has been taking out her rage on my BF's son. I'm even thinking it may be an inferiority issue. I cook dinner practically every night for my family and take really good care of them (I have three children of my own). He reports that she barely cooks and drinks a lot with her new husband (which she has known for less than a year - and just recently got pregnant by). In addition, education wise, I have a Master's Degree and she didn't finish high school (and she knows this about me). I take very good care of myself physically and she usually looks pretty worn down whenever I see her (at BF's son's activities).
Overall, her behavior has definitely proven that she is emotionally unstable. It's just so frustrating that my BF's son has to be affected so greatly by her internal issues. He has to tip toe around her because he never knows what kind of mood she will be in. I've done some research and believe that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. She fits the criteria for it.
Just wanted to vent about this...I'm so frustrated with her being able to affect my family the way she does!
- Kim's blog
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The emotionally damaged..
The emotionally damaged seem to spead thier net in any attempt to capture as many people as they can....to feed thier dysfunction.
I've seen it with hubby's X....who I also think has Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD....
And in my own family, my father is an alchoholic...and my mother the enabler....
My longtime friend...since age 12..has always told my "You must be adopted..!" because I'm nothing like anyone in my family!
Stay extra supportive..and be the stablity in his life...and it will give him the foundation to build on. I'll help offset the damage she is doing to him....and he can come out relatively unscathed...dispite her!
It's heartbreaking to see kids subjected to this crap....
You may have to 'concede for the greater good' the issue of driving him to bowling....
I hate to see her "win" and you have to weigh the pros & cons....but if she really is 'NUTS'...and doesn't deal with him rationally. Maybe you guys have to intervene to 'protect him' from her verbal attacks...they can be just as damaging long term as physical attacks.
I flipped back & forth on this kind of issue with my X.... I would demand that he be responsible..and deliver the kids where that had to be when he was the parent on duty. ANd would get SOOOO PISSED!!! The kids don't want to go with him when they have a morning game..because he can't get them there on time... He can't show up on time to get them to evening practices...so I am the one to keep them overnight and get them there when they have tournements AND I am the one to take them to evening practices..although there is no good reason he can't!!
I was like you..in the beginning...not my problem..its his watch. BUT one day..I took noticed the expression on my kids faces,when I was complaining that he was late again..etc. IT broke my heart!
I realized what they went through everytime me & their father went through this. What I saw as X disrespecting us..the rules..having another dig at inconveniencing me..and..being right!!
I (we) Made our kids feel....small...unhappy...the root cause of yet another fight...guilt...sadness...and helped chip away their self esteem..
When all they should have been feeling was.... excited...happy...looking forward to seeing their freinds...confident in their sports..in themselves..etc
That broke my heart...! It stopped me in my tracks. I was as responsible for those feelings in my children as he was!
I can't change what my X does....but can change what I do...
If they need a ride....I am HAPPY to do it!! (Even if it's X's responsiblity)
And I carry absolutely NO resentment about it anymore......
It is not about whose right or the principal of it ..
Focus has changed to the best interests of my kids..
I get to spend time hanging out with them in the car..some of our best discussins happen there.. (drugs,people or things that happened at school)..I get to see them interact with their friends, sometimes they forget I'm driving and I get to see how my kids interact with their peers.. I know their friends and thier activties & I'm more connected to them and thier world.
...And if hubby chooses not to make all that his priority..why should the kids suffer for it??
Sorry, I kind of rambled along there......
This is how I see things now...as long as I stay focused on "the big picture'....everything else is just falling into place...everyone in our hosuehold is so much more relaxed and happy...
I knew alot of this stuff in my head...and tried to do what I thought was right, but often with resentment...but something has clicked in my heart...and so much of the negetivitly has ceased!
...It took me a long time to feel this peaceful about it all..
I hope you guys can work out a solution..its certainly not easy...
....I just thought I'd share my experiences with you...
I notice that in a lot of discussions...
I notice that in a lot of discussions, there is mention of verbal attacks on the children, on the step parent, on the spouse. I am concerned by this because in fact what is being addressed is abuse...no different than physical abuse and the impact can be just as harmful, if not sometimes more harmful in the long run. This does need to be addressed to prevent long term damage to the children and the spouses involved.
I did not appreciate the impact of verbal abuse, control or demeaning behaviour until I went to counselling and the counsellor labelled this behaviour as such. Acknowledging it is important before it can be addressed.
Great attitude, lovin life and one that we can all learn from!
Thanks for sharing your terrific perspective lovin life. Very wise and pro-active and beneficial to the kids.
Thanks for your thoughts lovin-life
I completely see where you are coming from. I have been divorced for 10 years now and have had to deal with an ex of my very own. I have the exact mentality when it comes to my own sitution. However, in this new situation that I am in with my BF and dealing with his ex, it is a little different. We generally make decisions about how to handle his ex very carefully keeping in mind what is in the best interest of the child. With the issue of extra-curricular activities, there was an informal mutual agreement made between my BF and his ex because of his job and mine. He is a firefighter and I am a therapist. He does not have a set work schedule like a Monday through Friday 8-5 type job. And as for me, I have a busy schedule which usually keep me out until about 6:30 at night on some days. On days my BF and I work, my oldest daughter watches all the kids (they are all self-suffienct 11,12,14,16). My daughter does not drive yet so she would not be able to take my BF's son to his activities either. Sorry if I'm rambling but just to give you an idea how our household is run during the week. So to sum it all up, it's not that my BF does not want to take responsibility for these types of things, it's just that we decided to make the agreement with the ex because she was putting my BF's son in activities that she knew we couldn't take him to and then harrassing my BF with emails that she will not pick up his "slack" and that he should "buck up and be a dad (her exact words)". Even this bowling activity...it is on Thursdays at 4:30. It is impossible for us to get him there and she has been harrassing him for this as well. He told her to follow the agreement and she said she changed her mind and will no longer follow it. It's just a big game to her to get into a confrontation with him. The BM works at a bar at night so she has lots of free time to put him in activities she chooses and provide transporation for him. Also, when we asked my BF's son about going to bowling, he said that he didn't really want to join...but his mother signed him up anyway. My BF's son knows that we will be putting him in football next year and it is something that he asked my BF if he could join. We got all the information for it and will be able to commit to this activity taking full responsibility for getting him to and from the activity. Practices are a 5 minute walk from our home and actually at his school. He's super excited about it. The BM will not have to do anything for this activity including transporation.
Sorry to go on and on about the BM...but she is so manipulative in dealing with my BF yet she tries to act like the victim in everything even at the expense of my BF's son's sanity. We do try to maintain a stable environment for him here which I hope can carry him through these developmental years. He deserves a fighting chance to develop normally as a child. He is only 11 years old and has been exposed to years of her inappropriate behaviors (alcoholism, sex with boyfriends, not showing up at school because she was too drunk to wake up on time - this happened twice last school year, and at times, fending for himself to eat dinner)and emotional chaos (taking out her rage on him because she's frustrated with her own situation). We have been documenting everything that happens with my BF's ex just in case we have to ever go back to court. It's just so frustrating to deal with this and hope to find some solace in being able to post my story as it unfolds and get some support and feedback.
***Kim***
That all makes perfect
That all makes perfect sense...
(My hubby is a firefighter too, by the way..24hr shifts.
If you can't do it ..... you can't do it.
Kids aren't dumb..SS will know whose doing what..(set-up by mom) I just hate seeing them caught in the middle.
Hubby's X is a master manipulator too. (Her kids are onto her..) She doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants. Which could include money, men, revenge, sympathy, attention... as long as it's all about her. Youngest SD has danced around her 'wrath' for many years and niether one of the S-kids are 'allowed' to like me.
I remember 2 years ago we all went to a hocky game for her 19th birthday..her & BF and me, hubby & my 2 kids...and her cell phone rang. It was her mother...she told her 'just her and BF' were there..she wanted us to be quiet so her mother wouldn't here us. IT wasn't worth the aggrevation her mother causes for her..that she went somewhere with us. (Part of the games X plays with people)That's just the tip of the iceburg...
The X is a compulsive liar, stole SD's university money out of her account, and I believe she is now scheming to get her own name on her mothers house where she now lives...and has this poor old woman cleaning & cooking meals FOR HER, instead of the other way around...
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, crazy X's playing games..especially when SS is only 11. Sd's were older and a little better equipt to deal with their mother......
Thank God the SD's are on thier own and we rarely have contact with the X!!!!!
Hang in there!! It does get better as the kids get older....and wiser...
PS..My X missed son's
PS..
My X missed son's entire soccer tournament one year becasue
1) He got the time wrong for day one and went golfing...
2) By the time he figured it out, it was too late to get back in time
3) He continued golfing, drinking through-out the day & night
4) Was too loaded to get out of bed before noon..so he missed the last 2 games of the 2nd day.
He was 15 minutes late for daughters ball tournament, so daughter missed warm-up (his weekend) because
1) He was out partying and left the kids with a sitter Fri night
2) Was severely hung over and barely got them fed & dressed and there
3) Spent most of the day..sleeping it off in his jeep in the parking lot...
..because of these event she refuses to go with him on a tournement weekend
But he will be taking her for one in Nov because we can't make it. I had started to make arrangements with other team parents....but he is insisting that he will take her.. SHE is NOT HAPPY!!
...so I share your frustration with irresponsible behavior from so-called parents.... his X or my X
Thanks for your thoughts Lovin-life
FIRE FIGHTERS ROCK!!!!
Your comments and talking about your experiences are helping me to put things in perspective. It is so hard to deal with these issues because we (my BF and I) cannot control her behavior and MAKE her be a sensitive and responsible parent. I think my BF's son is already starting to see her for what she is. He made a comment about how he knows that she wants to piss my BF off because she is jealous of his situation (with me). He is a smart kid!!!! We have an awesome relationship and a new house with a loving family environment.
I feel for your situation as well...it's too bad that the kids' stability suffers due to irresponsible drinking and parenting. It seems like there are so many bio parents out there who don't deserve to be called parents. Parents are supposed to be loving and supportive of their children. They are supposed to be role models for them and should create security in a child's life...ugh! Sorry just venting again.
I know things will get better as my BF's son gets older. It is just too bad that his BM has so many personal issues that have to affect him. He is a great kid but I worry that the charades she pulls will start to have a huge effect on him...especially with the guilt she puts on him for coming to our house and not wanting to call her. At one point a couple of months ago, she started accusing my BF of not "allowing" my BF's son to call her. It turns out that he was telling his mother that he wasn't allowed to call so he wouldn't have to call her. Now that we figured out why she was harrassing my BF about that issue, we have told BF's son that he has to be honest with her even if she gets upset.
***Kim***
Ya Baby, they rock!!!!
Ya Baby, they rock!!!! lol
Even at the age of 19 SD did whatever she could to avoid the wrath of her mother....I don't think it will ever end for her.
I'm trying to think of some ideas for coping methods he can use besides lying to her to avoid, or at least lesson the nonsense she subjects him to. I'm not really coming up with anything...SD just kept/keeps her mom in the dark for the most part. Doesn't mention anything that will get mommy-dearest wound up.
She will eventually drive her son away with her behaviour..
That's what's happened with SD/biomom and happening now with my daughter/bioDad ....
It's tough! Sounds like you guys have are making the best of a bad situation...so far so good.. just vent away... THAT HELPS SOOOOO MUCH TOO!!
In the dark
I think that my stepson is learning to keep his mom in the dark about certain things too. I hate to encourage it but it is the only way that he can keep his mom from going off the deep end on him! So I am behind him on those decisions for his sake.
Dawn
Yes they do!
My DH is an awesome firefighter/paramedic too! Do you guys know how blessed we are? Polls show that overwhelmingly firefighters are considered the sexiest men in uniform! I know mine is!! Especially those turnouts - YEAH! Can you tell he's working today and I miss him terribly!?!
We are lucky!
Oh ya, it's that rugged sexy thang!!!
He is soooo funny too...not the most politically correct..at times! But absolutely hilarious!!! Complete with a heart of gold!!
Mine is at work tonight too..LOL!!
...that's why I have so much time to hang out here today..kids are away too...
My Husband is a Firefighter too
My husband is working today too and I miss him!!!!! He is a SEXY Firefigher too... Nice to know we have something more in common.
Mel