New here looking for support losing my mind with out of control BM and disrespectful SD and SS...
I've been with my husband for 7 years. He shares legal joint custody of 11 SS and 14 SD with BM. During that time BM has dragged him to court multiple times for a total of 5 years, had two restraining orders put on him(both found to be bogus and thrown out) and had us both investigated by CPS twice(both unfounded and dropped). My Husband has never taken her to court not once. Not to mention the thousands of dollar's in attorneys fee's. Now add the fact BM has no life out side the kids and loves drama. Her favorite thing is "therapy". It can be co-parenting therapy, family therapy, kid therapy. Anyplace where BM gets to bitch and complain about how awful I am, my husband, how we don't run our house to the "best interest of the kids" ect ect... Between BM and my husbands co-parenting therapy and all the family therapy-kid therapy shit there is at least TWO therapy apts a week and this has been going on since I met him! Like I said BM love therapy. Like the constant court battles and weekly therapy "bitch sessions" are not enough. BM will drill the kids about every little detail of their visit from our house. If we did something she does not like we get a nasty email AND my husband will hear about it in "therapy". BM will not let up till we do what she wants.
Now the kids....what comes to mind is horrible spoiled kids fueled but divorced daddy guilt EXTREME. SS is allowed to hit his dad and swear including the BIG F word with no consequences. SS can be mean to our pets(take the dog's bone/toy away, chase the cat screaming, throw something at the cat/dog, hit the cat/dog)Husband says that's "normal" for boys the "irritate" pets. Don't know about that. I can see the dog biting SS one day and BM suing us. SS also STEALS. I've found a number of my things(gem stones, old coins, crystal figurines) in SS school book bag. Just recently SS came over wearing my husbands grandfathers watch that been missing for months. When asked SS said he "found" it at school". Obvious lie but SS must have forgotten he stole it from us or he never would have worn it over. Again no consequences as husband feels "boys" steal sometimes. SD cuts class is failing most of classes, disrespectful to teachers and parents/me BUT allowed to go out and have the newest and best electronics/IPHONES.
There's days I'm just like I did not sign up for this! This constant walking on egg shells between BM and the kids....I can't be the only one with a situation like this(I hope!)How do you guys cope????
You have a DH problem. He
You have a DH problem. He needs therapy to absolve himself of the daddy guilt. Do you really feel you can live like this for another 7 plus years?
Personally, it sounds like you have more bad than good going on. I would think about separating until the kids are adults (but that probably will never happen).
Agree DH is half the problem.
Agree DH is half the problem. But then again so do I. Problem with DH is he has no balls and will not take a stand against his ex or kids who both treat him like crap. My problem is I have no family support. Only child and parents died when I was young. Its hard to pack up and start over when your middle age...
This is the only life you
This is the only life you get, why live it on crutches of reasons why you can't leave? I have a whole family of alive people and not one of them stepped up to help me during my divorce but they have nothing to do with my decision on how I will allow myself to be treated. Leaving can't be any harder then staying.
You have a husband and a step kid problem, the kid problem won't get any better until the husband finds his backbone and his balls in ex wife's purse.
Are these therapy
Are these therapy appointments court ordered?
Court "strongly recommended".
Court "strongly recommended". Our blood sucking attorney told us since BM was ALL for therapy(of course)it would look REALLY bad if DH said no. So basically he did not want to do any therapy especially co-parenting therapy but his arm was twisted. I'm sure BM will have the kids in therapy till the turn 18 and same with the co-parenting therapy. I've come to realize the courts love recommending therapy for everyone.
I agree with ESMOD on this.
I agree with ESMOD on this. This co-parent therapy sounds like just a scapegoat. If your DH is spending all of this money on co-parenting therapy I would tell your DH it's a complete waste of time because you can fix crazy.
I wouldn't have married
I wouldn't have married someone with minor kids. I think that might be where you went wrong - LOL! As it is, I married someone with a 20-something kid and it's landed me daily on the site where stepparents come to vent.
You might as well have the big blowup with husband about his kids and ex now rather than later. Even if BM settles down (and she might, although if she hasn't after 7 years, um...I wouldn't hold out hope for this), the skids are entering their worst years.
You've put in 7 years. I'd say it's time for you to get your own therapist for help managing this mess or help getting out of it. I feel for you!
It is your DH who is the
It is your DH who is the problem.
If these therapy sessions are
If these therapy sessions are not court ordered, why is your DH going? He could just say no. He should set some boundaries. Any emails that BM sends that are not important, just delete them and move on. And if she starts calling or texting, you just don't respond. I don't understand why you and your DH would choose to let this woman be in your lives so much.
If your skids are as bad as you say, then you definitely have a DH problem. He needs to grow a backbone. If he won't, then you need to start thinking about your exit plan. Trust me, these things don't get better when the kids get older. It sounds like your skids won't be the type that you just ship off to college and your DH doesn't sound like he has the backbone to force them out into the real world.
I agree with you 100 percent
I agree with you 100 percent just wish I could get my DH to. Therapy sessions not court ordered BUT strongly recommended AND BM agreed to them so our attorney told DH it would look bad in the courts eyes if he refused. I told DH to still refuse and screw what the court thinks. DH disagreed. I told him to ignore her demanding emails/texts but he feels he needs to reason with her which never works. Oh well thank you for your input
You sound young. I think you
You sound young. I think you should find a situation without a guilty father. I hoped mine would overcome his guilt but he never did. I promise you, this will not end when the kids turn 18.
Oof. Your husband needs to
Oof.
Your husband needs to cut the attachment umbilical cord. They are divorced, for pete’s sake. This is waaaay too much involvement, even for an emotionally healthy and stable ex wife and ex husband. Seriously - there is a whole lot of white glove treatment going on here, on top of some serious boundary stepping in regards to how you run your own home.
Ex wife needs to find a hobby, and your DH needs to wake up.
I feel for you. You have a lot of power here, it’s just a matter of wielding it.
Thanks for answering
Thanks for answering everyone. I'm so happy I found a place to get advice and vent. I agree BM is way to involved in our life. This is the other reason she likes all this therapy to keep tabs on what is going on. I'm "hoping" as the kids get older there will be less necessary communication and less to complain about from BM. I was hoping once SD14 got into high school she would not want her bi-weekly therapy apt but no such luck. She's learned to play the depression card just right to get major sympathy from both parents. This has gotten her some very cool expensive gifts and out of at least one situation that involved juvenile detention. Smart kid.
Please consider re homing
Please consider re homing your animals if you cannot keep them safe from the skids. It doesn't sound like your DH is going to deal with the issue, and you probably can't do it on your own. The animals are going to pay the price when they finally bit a skid. Cruelty to animals is my hill to die on.
Same here. I do not do
Same here. I do not do teasing animals and absolutely no hitting!
Second this. It is not
Second this. It is not normal for kids of any sex to treat animals this way. Please rehome them (and consider a new home for yourself) to get away from this abusive situation.
Your Dh is the problem.
nosurehowtodeal, Animal
nosurehowtodeal, Animal Cruelty is a MAJOR red flag to counselors and should never be pushed under the rug.
HeatherAnn,,,It is OK to stop going (it is not court ordered and even if it was court ordered) and it is also ok to report to the court "over the course of 16months or 12, even 6months--I participated in xyz therapy and xyz therapy. I will continue to use methods suggested by therapist now and in the future.
Not to be sarcastic but I know of far too many parents who don't go to counseling AND it is written in the order TO go. Yeahh, one side will bring it up but nothing happens. I also seen orders where custodial is to have the child in counseling and the custodial blows it off. AGAIN it is brought UP in court but no sanctions are ever handed down.
This is churning a case...the more conflict the better. LET bm have her b-session but she can do it alone. As for your attorney--tell him your done attending counseling, it has created an emotional hardship and financial hardship and now that HE knows that he can figure out a way to overcome it in court next time.
welcome to step talk. LOOK UP LOW CONTACT and Parallel Parenting. ONLY Contact if an emergency with children.
The court may have strongly
The court may have strongly recommended co-parent counseling, but I doubt the judge meant until age 18. The advice above sounds spot on. He's been. He listened. He learned. He'll continue to apply what he learned.
Kids' counseling probably can't be stopped, but at 11 and 14 he shouldn't have to attend every session.
DH should talk to his lawyer and if the lawyer says to continue, he needs to find a new lawyer.
I can tell you from personal
I can tell you from personal experience that you are in for an even bigger shit show when these Skids enter their teenage years. I am so sorry to have to tell you that but it's true. I saw signs of violence early on with my SS and now he is not only violent and makes scary threats regularly but he has a drug problem too.
I dare say it is highly likely that your Skids will never "launch"...that is the word everyone uses on this site for leaving the nest. I suppose you're lucky that you only have them on a part-time basis but suppose the day comes when they wind up living with you guys full-time? Would you be able to live with that and be happy? From my perspective you have some very tough choices to make. I feel your best course of action would be to sit your DH down and have a serious discussion about what you will and will NOT tolerate going forward. He needs to know that you are miserable and stressed because of his situation/actions/lack of action. He needs to be a father to his kids. Discipline needs to dispensed for bad behavior. The kids should not continue to be allowed in the home if theft and violence persists. He needs to stop financing family therapy if nobody is actually taking it seriously and benefiting from it. If he doesn't do these things than your marriage should be dissolved for your own health and well-being.
These are ultimately things for you to decide of course as far as giving him ultimatums but I really want you to think about these things. Your DH is completely deluded to believe the behaviors his kids display are just normal behavior. They are the kinds of behavior that, if not discouraged by all possible measures, will progressively get worse until it completely ruins your lives. Use your voice girl. Do not sit idly by.
As for how I cope...whew...it is not easy. I had to come to this site for advice when I could no longer take the fighting between me and my SO. I didn't want to throw away 15 years with the most wonderful woman I have ever been with in my life because of her son. I got the advice to disengage and after about a month of that it is starting to make me much happier. SO and I only ever fought about her son so now that we do not discuss him and I have left her alone in dealing with him there is no more fighting. I also run to deal with my stress. I still live in fear that SS will never leave home but for now I am going to love my partner and enjoy my time with her in case it comes to an end one day. At least I will be able to say I had the greatest love in my life that I think anyone can ever experience. I hope...outside of the Skid problems...that your husband is wonderful to you and that you share a beautiful relationship so you don't have to feel one day that it wasn't worth it.
Thank you again everyone for
Thank you again everyone for the great advice. I'm going to try to see what I can do with what you suggested and I will keep you posted with how things go
"I'm hoping as the kids get
"I'm hoping as the kids get older there will be less necessary communication and less to complain about from BM."
Your BM sounds just like ours, and if there isn't something to bish about, she'll make something up. She's addicted to drama. Order a copy of the book "Say Goodbye to Crazy". You can also find the videos on youtube, by Tara Palmatier and/or Paul Elam.
7 years?? and you have not
7 years?? and you have not walked away...
Hon, disengage, start locking your room, if something is taken from it again call the police and file a charge... if you find your stuff on SS, report him for it, nothing wrong in teaching him stealing is not okay and hell NO, not all boys are doing this.
If he pushes/punch his Dad, call 911 and report domestic abuse, you can do this cause you are living in the same house,
BM intervening in your life, simply tell her to eff off, she has no say in what's happening in your house, she lost that right the day she got divorced.