1) Holiday presents - since he is high conflict let this go unless your children specifically ask for your assistance.

2) No you do not sit with him. Absolutely no reason to do so. You are no longer a couple. That doesn't mean that you stare daggers at him. You just are polite, civil, and separate.

3) If your ex does not want to talk to you do all communications via email or text. Works to keep a written record of what was said.

1. Holidays/fathers day's/mothers day...Do buy or make sure you child gives the other parent a gift/card something? My ex is not re-married or even a girlfriend so he has no one to buy him anything from the kids.

* No. My bride never did these things and the SKid never asked to. He went on regular visitations with his BioDad's clan but the traditions and Holiday giving (All of it) occurred within the family that the three of us made... and with my family and my bride's. They never recognized his birthday or any other special day of accomplishment (awards ceremonies, graduations, promotion ceremonies, etc.....) and he pretty much reciprocates at that level with them. I would not do this were I you... unless your kids directly ask for your help.

2. Sporting events/school functions do you sit with your ex or far away?

*Again no. We never lived nearer than 1200 miles from them and they never once made an effort to attend a sporting event, band concert, DARE awards ceremony, etc, etc, etc.... Not that we would have shot them if they did ever show up. They just didn't give a crap enough to participate in anything. On this one I recommend that you not sit with your X. He can participate as he wishes but he is no longer y our husband. Don't give him that much access.

3. Communication regarding the kids...Do you ever call your ex regarding the kids or updating them on something? My ex wants ALL communication done by text message unless its a emergency. We both just pick up and drop off the kids at school so the only time we see each other is at events and that's not really a good time to discuss anything.

*The answer to this one is.... sometimes. I think this happened a total of 3 times from the time SS was 1yo until he turned 18. My DW called the SpermClan to inform him that he had broken his arm.... they blamed us for doing it on purpose since the Skid was due to be in his Aunt's wedding. They also accused us of purposely choosing a color of caste that would clash with their wedding colors. The SKid picked a RED caste, it was entirely his choice, and we didn't have a clue what the SpermIdiot's sister's wedding colors were. We called them when we enrolled him in a Military Boarding School for his Jr. and Sr. years of HS. SpermGrandHag went nuts on that one, shrieking that they were not helping to pay and that "we will not allow CS to be used for that". Lol. CS was a pittance and would not have paid even for his school supplies. Since DW had full physical and legal custody... we ignored them as usual. DW called them to give them an FYI when we brought him home from Military School in Dec of his Sr. year. SpermGrandHag went nuts on that one too... shrieking about how much he loved that school and how it was not fair..... We told her fine... "You pay for it then." That shut her up in a hurry.

There were ~3X per year calls from them to have my DW set up visitation travel... since they are too F'in stupid to buy plane tickets on their own. On this one I would say.... only on critical issues. Daily activities and typical events that happen when your kids are with you... are none of his business. IMHO of course.

I believe that it is best for your kids, any kids for that matter, to be protected from toxic people... even if those people are one or more of their parent's or other family members. So..... use your best judgment and protect your kids.... and .... make it as easy on yourself as you can.

Good luck.

I don't have kids, but I can tell you what my SO does with his ex. FWIW, they have a cooperative, friendly relationship and try to put the kids first. They also have 50/50 custody. Both of them grew up in blended families where their relationships with stepparents and half/step-siblings were good. We've never discussed it, but I'm guessing that has a lot to do with how their post-divorce relationship works.

1. He does not buy gifts for the kids to give to their mother. We had the kids the week before Christmas and I was doing some crafts with them, and the older one (5 yo) asked if she could make something to give to her mother for Christmas. We said sure, and she did. If the kids wanted to make homemade cards for mom, we'd help with that, too.

2. Only the oldest has had any activities - she did a couple sports. SO and the ex didn't sit together at games, nor did they make an effort to sit far apart. They'll acknowledge each other and have no problem talking to each other. If the last two seats at a game were next to each other they'd have no problem sitting together. They've had one parent teacher conference and they met with the teacher together.

3. Communication regarding the kids is by text if it's something easily communicated. If it requires discussion they'll talk on the phone or occasionally in person.

I doubt this could possibly work with a high conflict ex, though.

Oh dear...

gifts for bio dad, if you get your kids to buy him something it's on you, if he does not help the kids to get you something... you can't be angry at him, but kids do not have to get step parents anything for father/mothers day, cause it's not their parent.
Teach you kids to make cards and make sure they know who's birthday is when, even to each other.... that's a very good practice

Do you sit with your ex at school functions, no you do not.... unless he and your current partner gets along and you 3 are adults and behaves, then no problem.

You contact your Ex in case of emergency only, rest is text and no updates is necessary, leave it to the kids to tell their dad something.... like they told you. If your kid misbehaved and wants an expensive toy and you say to that child, ok if you bring your marks up to this... we can look into this, information like this you text through to your Ex, saying... Kid1 is failing all classes and wants an Iphone, I said if Kid1 has an B average we can look into this as a Christmas/Birthday gift, (you do this 5min after telling kid) This way kid can't run to Dad saying - Mum refuses to get me a new iphone cause SF said no.. (see children are born manipulators... and yes they do play off divorced parents against each other)

Things weren't always good between me and my ex, but they are now. Here is my take:

1) Yes, something small should go to the parent. I tend to keep it as small keep sake type things. I have even done something as simple as a picture frame with a recent photo of the kids.

2) No need to sit near each other, but if you do, just be polite. Saying Hello if you see him or a wave is perfectly acceptable. No need to chat. You might find yourself there one day, but if it's not today, it's no big deal.

3) Text and e-mail is good. Everything is on record and you don't have to go back and question what you agreed to on any given day. I agree that sometimes a quick call helps, but if he wants to keep it text, let it go and just roll with it.

1. Holidays/fathers day's/mothers day...Do buy or make sure you child gives the other parent a gift/card something? My ex is not re-married or even a girlfriend so he has no one to buy him anything from the kids.

They're old enough to do something on their own like a card or a craft. You can offer to take the kids shopping, if they say no, then don't push it.

2. Sporting events/school functions do you sit with your ex or far away?

Why would you sit with your ex? Do you sit with any other ex at functions? Don't give him extra. Don't shun him, but don't go out of your way to make it seem like there's a connection between you. There isn't.

3. Communication regarding the kids...Do you ever call your ex regarding the kids or updating them on something? My ex wants ALL communication done by text message unless its a emergency. We both just pick up and drop off the kids at school so the only time we see each other is at events and that's not really a good time to discuss anything.

Sometimes I call, but we get along. Text him the updates. Or email them. If he doesn't want to talk to you, but is required to for information, do it his way. Then it's on record, anyway.

If you want a better "relationship" with your ex where there is little to no fighting etc, treat him like a business colleague. You do not talk on the phone after hours. You do not hang out. You exchange required information in a civil manner, you are courteous. You do not make demands, you ask. you do not complain of problems, you inform of issues, along with a suggestion of resolution.

Your therapist is coo coo. SHE or he, needs the heave-ho. Parallel parenting IS good for the kids. It diminishes conflict and drama. Your therapist should be working on boundaries and how to navigate emergent issues while supporting what you and DH have been doing for a long time. Geeze...find a new counselor.

Why in the heck are you in post divorce counseling. OMG...this is kinda strange. Let it go. UNLESS he is a crack head or drunk (my usual awful traits I mention that some parents do indeed have. WHO by the way should not have custody but usually do)...let him do his own thing and you do yours.

----
Buy the kids or help them make cards for dad. It is the right thing to do. If they want to buy a small gift allow them. Of course there is a cap on the amount,say $50.00 depending on what you find reasonable.

You don't have to sit with your ex. A polite nod or hello if you are face to face. Don't be rude. Also, don't huddle the kids away from dad....some parents do that.

If your parallel parenting both parents have stress free unlimited access to doctors, school, activities. Each responsible for information independently of the other. NOW if one of you is blocking access to info, I will say YOUR awful for doing that. I know of few women like that. Now blocking your ex from any info about your kid shows you have real unchecked issues.

What is wrong with your xdh telling you HE wants written communication only? Apparently your post divorce has caused him a lot of drama and unnecessary conflict. some people just cant stop the drama....He has moved away from your relationship. LET HIM alone. He doesn't want to talk to you.

Also, Just in case: don't interrupt him as still interested romantically. Women tend to day dream "OH he is so hurt and he misses me 'us' so much he can not bare to talk with me. THATTTTSSSS why he doesn't want communication, hearing my voice will crush him."

FYI:
My xdh and I have no trouble with drama, conflict, stress etc. We get along amicably. Just spoke to him the other day, matter of fact. So did my DH

Best wishes....

There are no hard and fast rules so you should do what works for the both of you. If he only wants communication by text then do that. If he doesn't want to sit with you at a game then fine. I've never received presents from the kids that their father helped pick out but when the kids ask I've helped them shop for him.

It may be tense now but things may change. exH and I have 4 kids together and have been divorced for about 12 years now. The tenseness, drama and "rules" have changed over and over. Every time he's in a new relationship or gets remarried there are more and more rules and less communication from his side. For the last year he hasn't exercised his visitation even though he has joint custody. At this point I'm just like whatever, as long as he's paying child support I don't care.

Two years ago he and I attended a national sporting event for one of our sons and at the awards banquet he sat at the same table as me but not beside me. People kept asking what my husband did and I kept saying "ex husband," it was awkward but these things happen.

DH's ex is high conflict... So it's not my ex... But here's what I've seen. And coming from the spouse what YOUR DH might feel in some situations as well...

1. No go. If the kids ASK for help, then we help. DH pushed it mother's day one thinking he was being so great. I walked into the home after a long day of work to a giant card with the ex's name in DH's handwriting. I 1: wasn't happy about that and 2: wasn't happy about all the money he spent when she doesn't even bother with paying a penny for ANYTHING for the skids. That ended. Even if the do ask it'll have a VERY low set budget, or they can use their own money. Particularly with her being high-conflict, she already flirted with him, right after that she started trying to move in closer... Because to her that was an open door. You don't want to give those to your ex.

2. She tries to sit with us and we try and sit away. She likes to gossip with other parents, normally lying about me, and I have no desire to hear it. She uses it more of as a tool. No reason to give them that. It's two separate families. Plus with him being high conflict I'd be concerned about that. You don't want to cause the kid extra stress if your ex tries to start something just because he can.

3. Text is best. If it comes to court you have proof. And phone calls just get in the way. Reserve those for emergency. Added benefit that your kids won't have to hear the crazy yelling if he's pissed about something, so it keeps communication more civil. Just keep it ONLY related to the kids. that'll help keep the door closed for him to be able to try something or possibly throw something in your face, AND it minimizes the amount of time you'll have to deal with him. More healthy for everyone.

Try doing it the therapists way.

Record everything that goes on, keep a diary and write down everything. What you helped the kids buy for their dad, what his reactions were. What happened or was said at games when you sat near him and record all phone calls.

If it works great, if not you have a record to show the courts and the therapist of the reactions you got from your ex.

I hope the therapist is telling Dad this as well. If you just start changing the way you do things, it will probably make HC Dad flip out.

stepmom23456

ON POINT ON POINT stepmom23456

Sounds like she is mad at the ex. Otherwise she would comply with his wishes.

PS the kids are not itty bitty.

No need for back and forth, back and forth, BACK AND FORTH. Between ex husbands/wives.

BIG items such as Religious events, Big Medical decisions (not should I take child to docs for ear infection), if kids winds UP in the Principles office.

IF dad wants to buy Harry a car when he turns 16 that is on HIM, not you and him. YOU don't have to chip in 1cent. It is not a necessity. UNLESS you agree with it. You don't need to hold hands in a circle with the counselor to figure this out.

IF you want the kid to have a cell phone, dad writes "KEEP IT AT YOUR HOUSE"...Melissa, keep it at your house. Don't send it to dads to piss dad off.

YOUR home, YOUR rules, HIS home, his rules.

May I suggest that you find an independent therapist for a few sessions. Learn tools for how to cope with your xdh AND, explore why you choose to play the childish game 'IF your gonna take my ball, I am gonna take your bat" so thereeeeeeee, na na na naaaaaah nahhhhhh

Honestly I don't know how your now husband stands it.

GoodLuck

stepmom23456. Yup I totally agree with YOU !!!!!! YOU called it!!

1.) Give the kids a small budget, like $15-20. Have them do some extra chores or something to "earn" the money. Then have them buy it.

2.) Sit in the row in front of or behind the ex. Or, if it's your custody night, send the kids over to Dad at the end of the event for a 10-15 minute chat. You can be civil and not make the kids choose without having to interact.

3.) I really disagree with the therapist on this because it could be seen as harassment if you call after being asked not to. BUT, maybe just call and leave a voicemail. It's still recorded, but you're doing what the therapist wants.

The therapist is a joke. If you and your ex don't get along but can figure out how parent without drama, that is what needs to happen. The kids will eventually be okay once you two aren't constantly in court or arguing over phone calls versus texts. But, hey, I'm just a professional stepparent, it's not like I know anything.

I don't want this to sound judgemental in anyway but at the end of the day none of this is about the adults feelings. It is simply about doing the best thing for the kids without crossing boundaries. So all personal adult feelings need to be removed from the equation before you think about what you want to do. I am not saying that any of you have to do anything that makes you hugely uncomfortable if it is that much of a big deal but really consider whether it IS a big deal first. 

I am saying this from a SM point of view but I have had to deal with each of these situations and I have 3 main points of advice to match your queries.

1. Want for an easy life. - If helping your kids make a card, spending a small amount of money (or pocket money) or even just providing the materials for them to do it means your kids are happy, your ex is happy and there is no residual drama then just do it. Forget the politics. It is ONE day a year and it has ZERO affect on your life but a HUGE affect on your relationship with your kids and it keeps your ex sweet. You go to bed guilt free, knowing you have done right by your kids.

2. Be an adult - Honestly, picture being at school in a play or something and think how it would feel (or felt) to run from one parent to another. To not be able to sit with BOTH parents together. For one, it is not fair at all on the child. But the main thing to take from this is how you look to the child, that his/her parents can't be mature for 1 hour or can't do this 1 thing for them. We all understand that feelings are hurt and people truly loathe each other but you will only hurt yourself in the long run. My brothers and sister (different dad) chose to have NO parents at the top table when they got married because none of the parents and step parents could deal with each other or sit near each other amicably for 1 hour. My mum was truly gutted about this. It may not matter to you but it is worth thinking about for the future events where this may become more of an issue, especially when the kids are old enough to be truly affected., 

3. Have Boundaries that suit EVERYONE - If he doesn't want you to call. Don't. If he wants to be kept up to date with IMPORTANT information about the children (i.e. bullying or serious injury/illness so on) then do it via text. If he wants more details then tell him he will have to phone (if that is what you want) but otherwise just give him a brief breakdown of the situation. Main thing we did with my skids that worked a treat is actually discussed the privacy thing with them. We said that anything happening in our relationship, at our house or in our families is NOT mummy's business and she CANNOT be told about it as this is not fair to us and the same goes for anything happening at Mummys house. If they do bring it up we just say, I don't think mummy would like us to know about this. Now they are older they don't tell us anything about their mums.

I hope that helps in some way! Again, sorry if it sounds judgemental or pushy but honestly if you can go to bed each night and think I have done absolutely nothing wrong, I have not caused problems and I have done my best to ensure everyone is happy (without any real effort) then rest assured you are doing fine and one day your kids will notice and really appreciate all those 'small' things you did to make their lives easier. *acute*

Helping your kids make or buy a gift for their father is productive. It reinforces they should appreciate a parent who does so much for them, it shows them you are not forcing them to choose one of you over the other and you still consider their father an integral part of their lives, it shows them giving and receiving are one and the same, and it demonstrates that even though there is conflict and a split, you acknowledge and respect their relationship with their father - and after all, why shouldn't you show that? You chose this man to be their father. And while he was a lousy spouse, he might still be a good father and that should be appreciated by his kids. However you can foster that, you should for everyone's sake. Lastly, remember that whatever you teach the kids in regard to how they treat their father will come back to you in how they treat their mother.

I'm too lazy to read all the comments, so I may be parroting what someone has already said.... but the answers to your questions really depend on the relationship you have with your ex... not the relationship you WANT, the relationship you have.  There is no point trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  So if you and your ex have a difficult time communicating, then do it minimally.  Don't text/call him with every minute detail of the your kids life.  Important things, sure.. but keep it short and simple. 

Sitting with ex at kid events?  Again, depends on your relationship... does he WANT to sit with you?  if so and your husband and yourself are OK with it, then great.  If it would be uncomfortable and tension filled for any of you to try to put on the "happy family" show, then by all means DON'T sit together. 

Helping young children get gifts or cards or whatever for birthdays and Father's day?  sure that's fine, but there is no need for your name to be on the card.  BM2 always used to sign her and her other son's (not DH's) name to SS birthday and father's day cards to DH.  So annoying... don' t do it. And to be honest, your kids are at the age, that they shouldn't need much "guidance" from you beyond a simple reminder that Sunday is Father's Day and maybe a ride to the store. 

1. No gift for the ex should be bought with your money. If the kids are old enough to have money or allowances and they want to get their dad a gift great. But you shouldnt be the one buying him a gift with your thoughts and money. No no,

2. No sitting together. You two are divorced. No reason to stare dagger eyes or fight but no reason to be sitting together either unless you want to confuse the heck out of your kids and everyone else, or you are considering to reconcile. What does your husband think about sitting with him? Maybe one day after you've been divorced for well over a decade but even then I find those situaitons to be awkward at best for the kids and outsiders(current partners).

3. Stick to texting unless it is an emergency or the kids want to call him. He doesnt need to be calling you and vice versa unless its an emergency. Boundaries here. Encourage your kids to call their dad if they want to, but not the other way around.

I'm the SM, so I'm replying on behalf of my DH. BM in my case is high-conflict and was emotionally abusive during their marriage. 

1) We do not buy anything for BM and we do not offer to take SSs shopping for those things. If we were out and they asked me if they could buy something, I might consider it. If they were out and had money and wanted to buy something, I would definitely help them. They don't buy anything for DH, even with my offered help, however. I periodically let them take credit for things I've purchased for DH. 

2) DH does not sit anywhere close to BM if they are at a sporting event together. She used to try to sit by him and get angry if he didn't want to sit by her, but she has a tendency to harrass him when they are close to one another and the kids have commented on it. One said, "why is mom always mad at you?" and "why does she have to yell at you during our games?" He even requested that she not come to sporting events during his weekends (and doesn't always go on her weekends), because he felt like the kids were put in the middle. This was after she came up to DH, me, and the child who was watching the game and said to the child, "are you going to sit over here for the whole game or are you going to come over and spend some time with us, too?!" Now, if he's there when she's there, he usually tries to sit down after her, far away from her. Then she just scowls at him from afar. 

3) I think if you don't get along, communicating in writing is better. When you're communicating in writing, you're usually more careful about what you say and also, maybe less likely to contact your ex over things that are not really about the children, but are really more about your reltionship with your ex. 

I think if kids want to give a gift to their parent they should play some role in earning the gift, either by making the gift or earning the money to buy the gift.  Getting to take credit for a gift someone else provided feeds the entitlement mentality so many of these kids have.  Choosing what to give, and making an effort will instill a sense of pride that gift is really from them.

We cannot sit near BM at events because it became necessary for us to get an RO against her.  She loves drama and will make a scene.  We carry a videocamera everywhere she might be to avoid false allegations.  If she wasn't such a dumpster fire, I would have no problem sitting near her.

Communicating in writing avoids a lot of the he said/she said bullcrap that goes on with high conflict people.  It provides proof you may need in court.  It discourages verbal abuse.