I would love a third party's opinion on this one.

I have discussed previously about our argument with SS 24. He finally got his driving licence, bought himself a car, promptly wrote it off driving his pothead non-driving bm around. As he has a young baby and a SD3 (trying to hold down a job) we took pity and spent the rest of our building project money on a car for him (we are still without central heating).

Long story short he became highly aggressive because we sold the written off car we recovered and didn't get the £100 to him immediately. He unfortunately then became angry with his grandmother because she took DH's side and accused SS of ungratitude.

Grandmother was ill at the time (August) and unfortunately went downhill very, very quickly. SS sent a letter to her during her illness full of wrath and bitterness, bitchiness about DH and anger/hate. She didn't have the energy to fight and knowing she was very unwell advised us that when she died SS was not welcome at her funeral.

When she died in December, dh's sister told SS the situation, explained it was grandmother's wishes and he was understandably upset but we heard no more/sister advised not to get in touch too soon. We hand delivered a Christmas card with a gift card, but lost our nerve at the last minute about actually knocking. In hindsight maybe we should have taken the abuse to our face; instead we had a text message saying how the gift/card was not wanted and we could shove it you-know-where.

I talked my husband down from replying and advised him just to ignore. It is step-granddaughter's birthday this month and I have no idea how to play this. I have accepted buying gifts with no appreciation, but I can't take abuse every time we give them something. If we stop I know they will be even more abusive as well; I just don't know what to do.

Dh should talk to him but neither of them will talk, we've been here before - ss has been completely poisoned by bm over many years, dh is too sore about the child support money he has paid while getting abuse from ss for never paying and never being able to see his son while he grew up. Damage well and truly done; do we just give up/back off?

Thank you for any comment xx