Rich dad poor mom- how you deal with different social status
first time poster but been coming here for years. SS11 is a trap baby and a mistake my fiance learned to accept. kid lives with BM full time. lucky she allows dad to get him when he can. fiance was very caring and involved when SS was little. Dad couldn't deal with BM any more and left for higher education when he was 2 but spent time with him every few weeks till he was 7.
now I don't know why because fiance avoids talking about this but my guess is its probably too hard and painful for fiance to admit openly that he simply lost interest in parenting or maybe has given up over the past 2 years. SS11 lost the "cute" factor and now shows a personality fiance and I both don't care much for. He failed and was held back 3x in school and feels absolute no shame. He has no interest other than playing the most mind numbing games for 10h straight. He now only wants gifts from dad and shows no love or affection. Of course BM is no good influence - highschool dropout, never held steady job, surrounded by shady friends with criminal background and SAHMs living off CS.
Fiance and I both excelled and are very successful and had both went through hardship growing up. we tried to motivate to coax to support but that kid just prefers mom more because she praises him how smart he is (wtf?! yes by her standard) and let's him do whatever. he never brushes his teeth, doesn't know how to do maths or read but CS buys him every sh@t he wants so mom is hero.
BM would be homeless without CS which is VERY high and puts her in middle income bracket!
my question is how to deal with such a discrepancy as SS11 gets older he will notice our standard and his moms.
how do you deal with this especially since we will have our own child that will have everything imaginable due to our circumstances.
thanks all
Stop stressing about the
Stop stressing about the future, it's not going to turn out how you think.
SS11 will stop coming to Dad age 17....he will only want the money, and no problem. Dad should get his ducks in a row with CS etc.
Only to be paid till age 18, nothing less and nothing more, no promise of college payments or anything.
Then if SS does change his attitude, Dad can tell him after graduation, fine.. if you want to go to college I will pay but there will be a contract, I only pay for the next year if you passed the current year etc. If SS does not want to do anything with his life and simply drops out of school then so be it, you are not going to change this. Dad can keep on trying by telling his kid, if you get GED I will help you going to tech school ...
but it has nothing to do with you or BM, cut BM out of your lives when kid turns 18.. then Fiance only deals directly with the kid not the mother
yea fiance and I talked about
yea fiance and I talked about goals for the kid. GED would be fine. We hope for better outcome with our own child but you never know. it's all about choices. This kid was deemed gifted but now he is older he makes his own choices for better or for worse.
Stop worrying about problems
Stop worrying about problems that do not exist. Yet.
A non-custodial parent (NCP) is not obligated to exercise visitation with a child. It is a sad situation but it is the right of the NCP as long as he/she is paying child support. Your fiance never needs to see "this baby trap" child if that is his choice. If CS puts Mom in the middle income bracket, it is what she is legally entitled to. Your jurisdiction has some formula they use for calculating CS. If your fiance did not want to support a woman to middle class levele through payment for a child he created, then he should not have had unprotected sex with that woman.
Your partner has left this child to be cared for by his mother. If Mom has questionable values, what is fiance expecting? That the child will not turn out like his mother? Even if this kid turns out to have all the horrible traits of his mother, your partner should refrain from making negative remarks about this child as he has chosen to have ZERO input into how this child is raised. He shouldnt get to criticise from the sidelines when he has taken himself out of the game. This in itself shows that he is of questionable character too. Seems stepson got negative traits from BOTH sides of his gene pool.
Unless you and fiance are self-employed or independently wealthy now, I would not go banking future income and lifestyle. I dont wish this for you, but reality is that people get fired, get disabled/injured, lose their jobs, companies close. Basically life happens. A good education, current money and opportunities may lead to good earning potential. It is in itself not a garantee of money and lifestyle.
Your story has no bearing as
Your story has no bearing as a preface to your question. Your question is strictly how to view the financial discrepancy between your home and BM's home. Be prepared to keep your bar high, your standards higher than those around you and keep the fall at bay as those who have been scorned by your attitude are passing judgement just as equally.
"True individualists tend to be quite unobservant; it is the snob, the would be sophisticate, the frightened conformist, who keeps a fascinated or worried eye on what is in the wind." ~ Louis Kronenberger
Not sure what you are
Not sure what you are planning to *deal* with, none of this especially the cs issue is your problem. If the kid is 11 and not reading and failing in school he may have an undiagnosed learning disability or need glasses. Perhaps dad could address these issues instead of just *not liking* him. He's also a budding pre teen so puberty is setting in and kids often pull away from their parents.
I always chuckle when someone claims that a kid was a *trap* baby or that a man was tricked into getting someone pregnant. Most likely he was having his fun, having unprotected sex and shockingly a baby was created! How does that happen?! And if your fiance is so upstanding why was he sleeping with such a lowly woman and what does that say about his choice in women?
"BM is no good influence - high school dropout, never held steady job, surrounded by shady friends..."
absolutely agree. Trust me I
absolutely agree. Trust me I went through my anger period as in "why the fck didnt you wear a rubber". this was followed by many many thoughts of leaving. Now several years later we are together and stronger than before.
When he was with BM he was emotionally immature, inexperienced. Never had a real relationship. He hoped he could "rescue" BM and pull her out of her environment to strive for better like he did for himself. He took her back after she promised him to go back to school and get GED and he was hopeful despite warnings from all his family and friends. His best friend actually predicted and warned that she will try to get pregnant to trap him and it happened. Mistakes happen. I learned to accept his past and it is NOT EASY.
He was orphaned in HS and raised his siblings and still managed to hold job and go to school and graduate school. He came from same "bad" neighborhood and that's where they met. Once he got a ticket to a prestigious graduate school he could not turn it down. He had no money and BM and child could not live in a dorm. Now the price he paid was not being part in kid kids life but being able to provide for all his needs.
He admits he could be more active in kids life. But his job is very demanding, he works 10-12 hrs a day. Without BMs help it's nearly impossible.
I saw a past version of
I saw a past version of myself in your comment about your DH's rescue phase with the BM of his son.
I went through my rescue project phase myself. I dated a series of stunningly beautiful women who had a number of tragic flaws. Some intellectual, some chemical, and some character. Fortunately I escaped without a sex trophy from that phase.
It culminated with a 2.5yr marriage to my adulterous skank whore cavern crotched XW. Fortunately there were no children from that marriage. She went on to drop three out of wedlock children with two partners and is on her third marriage.
I went on to meet my incredible, stunning and wickedly smart bride of 23+ years. Your DH should not lament or feel guilty about the past. He should focus on being the best dad he can be, providing for his son, mitigating the poor example the BM is setting, and demonstrating a quality adult relationship and family life with the marriage and family he has with you.
IMHO of course.
It's very simple.....some
It's very simple.....some households have more money than others and that's perfectly okay.
My XH, Asshat, is verrrrrrry wealthy. When we divorced, I received alimony for a certain number of years and a LOT of CS. When I went to work, the alimony stopped and the CS continued. I made a decent living and, of course, had the CS to supplement, but there was still a vast discrepancy in lifestyles and finances between the two households.
I never addressed it with my kids. I am sure they noticed, but it was what it was and nobody made a big deal about it.
Kids notice income disparity at school, at their friends' houses, etc. It's not a big deal unless you make it a big deal.
very true - thanks for that
very true - thanks for that perspective
Frankly, if I were you, I
Frankly, if I were you, I would be more concerned about a man who "lost interest in parenting" if I was planning on having a child with him.
Who's to say he won't "lose interest" in your child, too??
yup, all good points that
yup, all good points that crossed my mind. I have evaluated his past before I committed. he tried very hard. but in all honesty I think raising child is left for us women. men - including my own biological creator - just rarely have that bond to tie them to the child. fiance drove over 10h round trip every other weekend to spend time with the kid. BM would not drive half way or do anything to help facilitate. he hired a lawyer to try to get custody but was told its very very unlikely he will. of course there is some selfishness to all this but in the end i benefit from it in some way that i don't have to raise this kid.
It's reassuring to see that
It's reassuring to see that some BMs actively try to facilitate. I respect you for that because I am sure there are resentments. Of course I am biased by my own experience. But my mom actually forced me to talk to him and see my biological father throughout the years until I threatened I would move out at age 14 (lol I know but I was SERIOUS). She again tried few years later by giving him my email and phone number and I was FURIOUS. My stepdad adopted me same year last I saw my biological father at 14. My mom gave him money so he could see me. My stepdad drove me to his place because it was too hard for the guy to take public trans.
My SS-25 asked for me to
My SS-25 asked for me to adopt him when he was 22. I am the only REAL dad he has ever had. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He always had long distance visitation with his BioDad and the SpermClan (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).
We never bad mouthed them but neither did we cover up their toxic crap.
Navigating the blended family journey is not an easy thing but it can be done in a way that prepares the Skids involved to develop into viable adults capable of performing well in life and having strong adult and family relationships of their own.
Your not very nice
Your not very nice step-adventure.
I wonder what your boyfriend would think of you IF he read your post.
So your bio dad was TPR'd?
Goodluck - why would you say
Goodluck - why would you say that?
My dad left us because I saw him having an affair. He refused to work back then because those odd jobs were beneath him. We ran out of food and he threw anger fits and was violent. My mom asked him (I was in another room but overheard the convo) if he wanted to take me with him - he broke out in tears and BEGGED my mom to take me instead.
He never paid a penny. He gave me 3 gifts total since he left and few cards.
My fiance and I talked and yelled and have said all the dirty things to each other people say on this site because most steps cannot say them out aloud. So yea I know I am mean and evil when I wish my stepkid away etc but fiance and I are in peace with us.
He gave me 3 gifts total
He gave me 3 gifts total since he left and few cards.
Yes, because gifts = love.
My dh and I have an ours baby
My dh and I have an ours baby now. I’d say he probably has more than SD (a pretty decent bank account started by mommy for one), but the biggest thing he has is both of his parents together. You can’t pay a price for that. I’m also home with him for the first few years. Can’t put a price on that either. Well actually you can because statistically speaking when I enter the workforce again my pay will take a nosedive. But I am ok with that.
I think we’ve all said things to make ourselves feel superior (example, trap baby) but we have to work very hard so the child never catches wind. When you and your husband are gone, your kids will have each other (including that half sibling). So you’re best not making the differences too glaringly obvious and lead to a path of jealousy.
Maths *giggle* anyway they
Maths *giggle* anyway they don't hold kids back 3 times so...
You would hope they don't.
You would hope they don't. But they did. Saying if he gets better mid year he could transfer. Yea right. He was tested but has no learning disabilities. He just wants to play with friends all the time. His BM does not see why school is of any value. We fought tooth and nails to have him advanced the grade before. Then he failed again.
Is he missing a lot of
Is he missing a lot of school?
If he is failing that badly
If he is failing that badly in school, and BM's only income is CS, your DF has a case for getting custody. Hell, just having high income -and income much, much higher than BM's - would be enough in some areas because he could afford a cut-throat lawyer.
The fact of the matter is that your DF doesn't really care about his son. He doesn't want him to die, but your DF doesn't want to do any of the actual parental work to make him a productive member of society despite having the means to fight tooth-and-nail to vastly improve his son's life. Your DF doesn't get to criticize the job that BM is doing when he is just as lazy a parent as she is. He may be a better support, but he is certainly no parent.
So stop worrying or crying about your SS. Your DF only cares enough to gripe but not actually do anything meaningful about it. That's fine that he wants to be that way, but let's not put him on a pedestal and throw BM into the cavernous depths below like he is somehow superior. They both suck as parents; he just happens to have a bigger paycheck.
IMHO you deal with it by
IMHO you deal with it by demonstrating to this kid what being a responsible performing adult looks like.. including the difference between how BM lives and how you and his dad live.
That is exactly what we did with my SS-25. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old, I was in the last semester of my 11yr undergrad career and she was in the first semester of university out of high school. We married the week before SS turned 2yo.
As SS was growing up he experienced his mom and I focusing on education, career, and providing a quality life for the three of us while his SpermIdiot went on to spawn three more out of wedlock children with two more underage baby mamas and pursued a gangbanger wannabe fantasy of being a gangster rapper. Interesting since the guy looks like Howdy Doody.
While my wife and I went on to complete several more degrees (we both have an undergraduate degree, a Masters and a professional certification) the SpermIdiot avoided full time work on the mistaken impression that it would minimize his CS obligation, evolved an arrest record and a reputation among local law enforcement as a gang-banger wannabe, lived in SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa's ghetto rental house and expounding to his children on how to be good people by doing what you want, smoking ganja and hugging trees.
Do not hide the facts of the situation from the kid. Share the court order with him, share all of the facts with him, in an age appropriate manner. As he grows up, share more of the facts. Explain to him that BM chooses to not support herself, refuses to work to provide for the SKid, and that you and his dad choose to work hard so you can live well.
The kid can make his choices accordingly when he transitions into adulthood. At that point... it is on him.
My SS wrote off his SpermClan when he aged out from under his Custody/Visitation/Support CO and they began harassing him to send money to help support his 3 out of wedlock younger half sibs by two more baby mamas.
SS is now 25yo, finishing up his undergrad in Computer Science and has been in the USAF for nearly 7 years. At 25 he is far more accomplished than all of the preceding generations of the SpermClan combined.
Keep setting the example, sharing the facts, and don't feel guilty about the delta between the life you and DH demonstrate for the Skid and the life his BM demonstrates. There is only so much you can do. At some point this all becomes SS's life to life and problems to solve.
Good luck.
Rags... your input was really
Rags...
your input was really helpful. We don't mind paying the CS if it benefits the kid. But we can't stand the fact that BM doesn't "raise" him and parties with the money we give her. At what age did you see the child coming around realizing? At this point we had to try to step back before SS11 starts to despise us because we keep insisting him to straighten out in school. He is a child I really have a hard time connecting with. Because there is no angle I can use to establish a relationship eg. I can help if he feels ashamed or overwhelmed with school but he is totally fine being as is or I can support any interest in anything educational but he has NONE other than games. Last time he just threatened to have BM pick him up when we suggested him to improve his reading skills by trying a book instead of playing games all day. We bought him puzzles, chemistry sets, 3D toys, NOTHING.
Unfortunately rag's input may
Unfortunately rag's input may not be applicable to your situation. His SS, (now his DS) only saw biodad for 5 weeks a year. Rags was the major influence on the child's upbringing.
So what works for him may not work for you.