How much do you bitch/complian/whine/moan/groan/"talk" to SO about the skids?
Do you spend a lot of time communicating with your SO about the skids?
No offense, but sometimes I read on ths site and I am thinking- OMG is all you ever do is bitch about the skid to your SO? I'm not talking about just communicating issues that need communicated but every single move that a skid makes is bitched at to the parent.
I know for me I used to do this to DH. Every single thing (negative) that I found out about the skid, I HAD to relay to DH. I had to make sure he knew how awful his kid was. I became a tattletale.
Looking back at it, I'm like WOW I sure did do a lot of bitching/complianing/whining about the skid to DH. No wonder we had so many problems.
And I'm not talking about the big issues. (Stealing, making up lies, etc) but the little things. Bitching just to bitch.
If I only heard negative things coming from my PARTNER about my OWN child, I too would feel resentful over time. I too would find it hard to communicate with my Partner about skid issues.
Even if the bitching/complianing, etc was warranted. Because most of the time it is. After MONTHS, YEARS of frustration, etc. But if that is what you hear day in and day out- WOW.
Disengaging has really helped me. Not my Circus, Not my Monkey.
Yeah I still see stuff about the skids and think to myself- What a moron. But I no longer need to relay this information to DH. Why?
#1- He doesnt care what I have to say about his kid. He knows I dont like his kid. He is most likely going to talk it as an insult.
#2- if he was concerned with being a parent (to my standard) he would already know about whatver it is I am going to bitch about. And he would take care of it. (to my standard) But he most likely isnt. He is goig to keep doing what he was doing before me and what was working for him.
#3- I dont like the kid for my own reason. So I can probably find fault in a lot of stuff they do. Maybe, just maybe what they are doing isnt so bad. As in so bad that I need to let it come in between me and DH. Who cares if YSD is dressed like a slut on IG. It's not going to affect me. I dont have to see her. I dont deal with her. Why bring that up and let that ruin my night/day, etc.
Once I stopped telling him "about his kids", things started to get better between us.
I felt better. Not so much negativity in my life. Yeah I may think about it, vent about it here, but it doesnt really go into my "real life".
DH didnt have to be on edge everytime I said I needed to talk about something. He didnt have to worry what I was going to say negative about his kid.
As with everything in our lives, when you let so much negativity consume you, it really consumes your life.
Its been a freedom for me really. Now I still fall off the wagon every now and then, but I am sooooooo much better and I realized my life is sooooooooo much better and I realized, the skids dont affect me or my life as much anymore.
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I know for me I used to do
I know for me I used to do this to DH. Every single thing (negative) that I found out about the skid, I HAD to relay to DH. I had to make sure he knew how awful his kid was. I became a tattletale.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yup yup yup. I did the same thing for a very little while.
Then I figured out to stop ASAP. Now I never say anything. If DH is bitching, I will listen, but I do NOT even agree with him and tell him that his kid is an idiot. EVEN if he says his kid is an idiot.
It is so much easier this way!! I wish a lot of the SM's on this site would realize this. Just stop talking about the kid and stupid little crap. It would make the marriage 90% better.
Agree! It's not always easy
Agree!
It's not always easy but now that I see the positive aspects of not complaining about everything... its something I am def. going to keep working on.
meee tooo! i know my dh needs
meee tooo! i know my dh needs to figure things out, not be repeatedly beat over the head. so i gave up on harping. the most i may do is raise an eyebrow and give a nudge (then dh will address it, like "yss get your shoes off the couch!") i reached my breaking point this week, but dh addressed it first
we do, however, have conversations and he has asked me to point things out he may not be acknowledging, so i do. sometimes he'll start the conversation, sometimes i will. this might happen maybe once a week.
Oh I am not one to take it
Oh I am not one to take it down lying either....
I think there is a difference though. Sticking up for yourself when you are being wronged/harmed/etc. and just bitching about the skid to have something to bitch about.
I am at the point where I say
I am at the point where I say NOTHING about SD16 (whether I am pissed off about something or not) unless DH brings it up first. If DH is bitching about her, then I will chime in with my 2 cents. Other than that? I am Switzerland because
a. there is no point, nothing will change
b. it just gives DH reason to jump to the PPP's defense
c. on the wrong day, it give DH reason to jump all over me and make me out to be the worst human being on the planet
d. it just causes me un-needed aggravation and stress because see point A. above.
Yes a-d all very good!
Yes a-d all very good!
I only speak to DH about SD
I only speak to DH about SD when he brings something up and even then, I am very careful what I say
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Then your situation really puzzles me. How can he think you dislike SD if that is all that happens. You also said that you have to remind him weekly that you are the adult and SD is the child. Where does this all come from if you only see her 4 days a month. (If that, since you said she rarely makes her visits?)
Do you think you might want to take a step back and reevaluate how you actually do talk about SD in front of DH. Or....I know you almost divorced one time for calling her a crotch dropping so maybe he is still holding on to that...?)
Being a SM sucks.
If DH is bitching about her,
If DH is bitching about her, then I will chime in with my 2 cents
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Just FYI...they will still hold this against you!! BTDT!! lol
It was when DH was bitching
It was when DH was bitching (IMO) about the little stuff about my BS that I realized I do the same to his kids.
I know for a fact my kid isn't perfect and am all for some constructive feedback but it got to the point where I felt like DH was bitching just to bitch about something. Then I got to thinking, well I bitch sometimes just to bitch too.
It forced me to re-think how I was doing things and what I was letting into my life to bother me.
Agree! My DH doesnt
Agree! My DH doesnt communicate a lot. He doesnt talk a lot. I am 100% the opposite.
But I noticed the less talking I do, DH has opened up more.
YES!! SD16 used to tell DH
YES!! SD16 used to tell DH that she had no interest in alcohol, boys and such. I would stalk her Twitter and see that she very much had interest in alcohol and boys and such and try to "warn" DH. But I was just the bad guy, nothing changed so I said screw it, let the train wreck, nothing I can do to stop it.
By golly, guess who got arrested all on her own in August for underage drinking?? Yep. And I didn't have to be the bad guy! Worked perfectly! Let them show their true colors on their own. guaranteed, they can only hide them for so long
I so believe that the truth
I so believe that the truth will be revealed... in time...
I'd rather DH just realize on his own about his kids... me telling him isnt going to change anything. If he wants to make a change, he is going to do it because he wants to, not because of something I point out.
perfect, zero! "If he wants
perfect, zero! "If he wants to make a change, he is going to do it because he wants to, not because of something I point out."
i think this is the very reason i'm actually hopeful about our conversation last night. had it gone how i planned, i probably would've had a "i'll believe it when i see it" attitude. i was totally at the end of my rope and at the breaking point. i was also absolutely right in my concerns, since dh had the very same ones - so that validated me quite a bit. but HIM bringing it up, instead of me pointing it out, might actually make all the difference in the results...
Same here.... I do it here,
Same here....
I do it here, so I dont do it with him.
I don't bring up anything
I don't bring up anything with skids anymore unless it is something that directly effects me at the house. Otherwise, not my problem. If DH brings something up, I will only answer questions he has or give him my opinion if he asks. He usually does ask for my opinion but I tell him how I would handle it if it were me and then leave him to make the decision. This applies to both skids and BM. Sometimes he does what I suggest and sometimes he doesn't. His choice and I don't care anymore.
At this point, I just hope for times when he doesn't bring anything up since it seems there is some new drama almost every day lately.
I probably fell into the
I probably fell into the pattern of talking about the bad myself, for two reasons:
1. When I would talk about the good (I used to make it a point to praise SD a LOT, both to her and to DH), nobody would notice or care. They were going to resent the one negative thing I said and ignore the 10 nice things I said, so I stopped trying.
2. At some point in time, SD pretty much stopped doing things you could say nice things about. When somebody is drinking alcohol under age (at 13!), smoking marijuana, running away from home, threatening to kill herself if you make her visit, trying to knock me down the stairs, deliberately injuring her two half-sisters (multiple times), quitting jobs because she gets in trouble, sleeping with a "man" who has six kids with four women, going to college only so she doesn't have to support herself, taking the minimum number of classes per semester but still only maintaining a whopping 2.2 GPA ... What can I praise?
Elizabeth, I can relate to
Elizabeth, I can relate to your #1. Things used to be so good between me and SD. I had lots of good things to say about her and I was very involved in her life. But my husband didn't seem to notice these things - it was just expected of me. But if I said one tiny negative thing about her, he got really defensive. So I stopped trying as well.
Was never allowed to. If I
Was never allowed to. If I ever do start talking about his skids, he starts bringing up apples to oranges comparisons of MY successful, grown bios.
Talking about the skids in anything other than "oh i think the skids are wonderful" is a big NO NO! Papa Grizzly comes out.
I don't initiate
I don't initiate conversations about skids.
I've started to disengage.
I've started to disengage. Now I only bring something to my husband's attention if it affects me or DD.
If my husband starts a conversation about SD, I participate. But he usually ends up getting defensive about my opinion so it turns into a fight. For instance, last night he started a discussion about SD's education and how she's already struggling in school. When I agreed with him and tried to tell him why I think she's sturggling, he got defensive and said I was making fun of her.
Oh and I also figured out
Oh and I also figured out that rather than "tattling" about things that piss me off?? I just go into stealth mode and handle what I can my damn self. Using my stuff without asking? I hide it. Eating all BS4 food? I hide it. Leaves shit laying around the house? I either hide it or simply throw it out. Don't care what it is. Last week I threw out a hat that she left just laying in the middle of the basement floor, a shirt that she left laying on the laundry room floor. Oh well. don't want your shit to disappear? Keep it contained in your nasty ass room. doesn't change the toilet paper roll in her bathroom for days? I won't do it FOR her, if BS4 wants to use that bathroom, I hand him a roll for his use and then promptly remove it back to the linen closet.
Have NEVER told DH one of these things... because if I did??? It would be a damn fight no question. Just handling things myself, saves my sanity.
It's actually kind of fun to
It's actually kind of fun to know that I have one up on her. I KNOW for a damn fact that when DH, BS4 and I were gone for about 4 hours on Saturday to do some shopping and groceries and stuff, SD16 was in my bathroom, because the dumb ass left a hair tie on the counter.. I KNOW it wasn't mine. Guarantee she was looking for nail polish or hair stuff or SOMETHING of mine that she could use, but alas, it's all hidden. Hardy har har you stupid little witch.
It really is soooo much better than fighting with DH and me looking like a jerk. I like this game MUCH better! }:)
Daizy, you're my hero.
Daizy, you're my hero.
This is why I came here. Not
This is why I came here. Not for advice because nothing can help me. I just came here to find people like me and to bitch so I can give my friends and family a break for once. My DH and I have had horrible fights about junior and I lose every time. He defends everything he does. I will never win and he's told me that. He has never taken my side on anything. I had to 100% disengage and he knows it. I know so many things that kid does and I don't even bother saying anything most of the time because he does absolutely nothing anyway. He says until the cops come to the door he's not worried about what he does. He's almost 15. I call my DH "Guilt Dad". He kisses juniors ass out of guilt for never being a father to him.
I have not spoken to hubby
I have not spoken to hubby about SD for a long time....but last night, it was to much and I broke like a dam with lots of negative things to say about SD. It all came out. Well, that's what you get for holding it in for months.