I assume I would make all decisions as I am the one who would be taking care of DH if he is was ill, etc. Same with funeral arrangements. I wouldn't exclude the skids 100% but there are 4 kids, who I'm sure don't know their dad's wishes and it could get messy. I feel as the wife I would be the one to handle it.

DH and I have talked about this. He knows what he does and doesn't want. I don't plan to consult skids about medical decisions. I will make funeral arrangements. SD32 might make a fuss, but oh well. I'm his wife, so that's pretty much that.

I wouldn't ask him to share the will with SD30. That could cause MORE drama. Is there a possibility SD could persuade your DH to change his will AGAIN so she has some say in what goes on??

SD21 seems to think she will have the right to pull the plug on my DH. If she so much as touches that plug, I'll break her damn fingers.

Personally, I wouldn't tell SD of his plans. It will only give her years (hopefully) to try to change his mind and give control to her.

When the inevitable happens deal with it then. You don't have to be the one to talk with her, the Drs will do it. They are legally obligated to follow his wishes and no scene she creates will change that.
It may never be enacted either. He could pass away quietly in his sleep or quickly of a heart attack.

The other thing is that you could die before him and not ever have to deal with it. Why create a situation now that will cause drama.

Same thing for a funeral. Deal with it when it happens.
Put all you plans in place. DH and I have preplanned and paid for our funerals. I know to some people that's morbid but we don't want our kids to have to do anything but show up. Funerals are so freaking expensive and your emotions are running so high that you've made dumb decisions before you even know what's happened.

I think he should tell your SD what medical decisions he's made and that he's given you authority to make all decisions. That way, she can't question it later. He should maybe even have written documentation of letting her know, so you can use that when she causes drama.

I think that unless the spouse is not able to make decisions, children should not be the ones making decisions.

For the funeral, maybe your DH should also express his desires for that as well to avoid any drama. You could also put SD in charge of something at funeral time. For example, maybe she picks the music or the venue for the post-funeral reception. That will give her something to do, rather than trying to manage everything. That said, managing funeral arrangements can be difficult when you're grieving. A lot of people don't want to do it because it's too painful and they haven't really thought about it.

I would not share this kind of information with the SDs. Too much potential for drama. It is no-one's decision but DH's and I would uphold his wishes. His daughters would likely want to upset the apple cart just for the sake of it, best to give them absolutely no opportunity to do this. Funeral arrangements - he has no specific wishes (we did our wills this autumn and both agreed we have no specific requests for funerals and would want whatever each other desires and would give most comfort) I would certainly not give the SDs any opportunity to make trouble. If they behave appropriately, then they would get a funeral invitation.

As his wife...I will make all those decisions.

We finished our estate planning/living wills within the last year. I will not consult the skids for anything, nor did we share the the contents of the wills/trust with any of our kids. They know it was done and that a copy of it resides at the lawyers office who prepared it. So good luck to anyone who wants to contest it. I also have written documentation when DH mentioned having completed this process, in case anyone disputes it was done against his will later on. You just never know.

We did, however, share the contents of the living wills with all of our kids, in the event something happens to us at the same time.

You are your husband's next of kin and share his daily life.

I am not an attorney, nor am I playing one here. This is my understanding:
Living wills are great to express intent and with your step situation your DH and you are wise to have one. But, in the case of an emergency or serious illness, a durable power of attorney may be needed as it allows your decision maker the authority to make decisions on things you may have never thought of.

When my first husband was ill, and we knew there was no cure, his oncologist advised a durable power of attorney so that first DH could be sure that I would be able to have doctors, hospital, emergency workers, etc. carry out his wishes as to health care.

As to telling the skid, each situation is different. My bios, my husband's skids, know the content of my will and what the durable power of attorney says. My skids, my husband's bios, do not know the content of the wills and are probably not aware of the durable power of attorney.

You can get forms off the internet to fill out. They are legal if done correctly. But, when you have a potential high conflict situation, it is probably worth it to have a lawyer do whatever you chose.

marblefawn

Your husband will have to put his specific wishes in writing and have a lawyer take care of this.

If he doesn't then you will have to deal with things the best you can.

Regardless of your decision to disengage with his adult daughter it does not appear SHE has disengaged with her dad nor HE with her. Although the contact is limited at best.

Trust me IF she wanted nothing to do with him both you and your dh would have known this. Also, if DH didn't want a relationship with her YOU would know that too.

I would suggest that you pin down how you want YOUR final medical directives taken care of You can be very specific...I FAWN do not want DH"s DAUGHTER Ms Burp who lives at 666 Belch Lane, Xtown to enter my hospital room at any time during my hospitalization. I do not want MS Burp notified in the unlikely event that I die. I do not give administration authority to confirm or deni blahhh blahhhh blahhhh.

Same goes for your WILL.....I marble fawn..DO NOT want Ms Burp to attend my viewing, funeral and or memorial services. I also, do not accept flowers of sympathy sent to the Funeral home on her behalf, her children's behalf or her husbands behalf OR her pretend church friends. I Fawn do not want her name mentioned in the Obituary notices as my step child or in any other way.

Talk to your lawyer----he may know how to work best with your husband too.

Not exactly the same but my mother and I have talked in detail about her wishes. I want her to out them in a will because right now I would be the person to carry them out so he she and my father are divorced. However I dread the nightmare that would take place if I ever have to override him.

I'd have him legally express his wishes in a will and be done with it. If the time comes he's already made it clear so ideally it will be easier in everyone. Even if she does try to fight you you have the will behind you and you know for a fact that you're doing what he wanted which makes living with her after easier.

My DH discussed with me his wishes, then he told OSS and DIL that he had discussed it with me and what he wanted. OSS and DIL know his wishes and OSS and DIL will assist me in taking care of it. DH knows my final wishes also. I have no bio children for DH to deal with. I make the decisions on his illness (my DH is disabled...33 yrs.) Skids don't want, nor have they helped in the past, therefore, they don't dare express any decisions on DH's health; they know to never interfere in decisions made about his health; I'm the person taking care of him and they have never offered to help.

We have Wills and have had them in place for 36 years, therefore, there is no problem with any dispute after the final arrangements. We also have power of attorney's in place.

I was not in total agreement with my DH; but I said nothing. I will honor his final wishes and there should be no dispute with my three grown skids. OSS and DIL will not allow any dispute.

Problem solved.

Let your DH decide his final wishes with you; then tell him he is to let his DD30 know that you both have agreed, or put both of your wishes in writing to go with your Wills. Your DH should take care of it so you do not have to deal with his daughter. Nobody should have to deal with that drama, during a illness or funeral.

Why not just have him write, in a separate one page document, his wishes, as detailed as possible, as to how his funeral, casket, cremation, whatever, will be? He should also set aside instructions as to who should pay for it and make that money available to his executor.

As for medical decisions like "do not resuscitate" depending on where you live, most places have specific legal documents you can sign and keep handy for such an event. It is possible to assign "medical power of attorney" separate from a PA for other things like money or executor duties. Best thing, just get a quick consult with a family lawyer to straighten it out.

SD should be kept in the dark as long as possible, then pull out your docs when needed. Why give her ammo for a drama or manipulation. She will dwell on it if she has issues about succession or death. Talk about morbid!

Remember, that when the person dies, the body is taken to a funeral home and kept pending funeral instructions. In the immediate grief, you as spouse will be overcome with emotion, surrounded by drama possibly. You need to have a clear plan of action so you can't be coerced into actions that are not on the wish list. Have the funds available right away to pay for things (and funerals cost a lot).

Bear in mind that at the time of death, the Will is not yet probated until you get a death certificate, usually long after the funeral. So, access to funds is sometimes problematic because you cannot access any non-joint accounts until you have probate complete.

In my case, I was Dad's executor. He apparently purchased a pre-paid funeral but never mentioned this to me. So, we paid for a fancy burial and subsequently discovered we could have had it all for free down the street! My sister insisted on the cheapest casket...

The truth is, people never die in the right order, nor can they control what happens after their death. The only thing they can affect is how they are cared for prior to death. The rest ought to be let go of.

I had posted on a similar thread not too long ago. I am considering not call the skids if dh becomes seriously ill and might pass, mostly because I know OSD42 will "NEED" her BM at any service for dh, and I won't tolerate that!
Also OSD42 stated long ago (after a news story about a legal battle with MIL, FIL against DH about pulling the plug with DW) OSD42 said she thought anyone would want to be kept alive by any means possible. We are updating our Advanced Directives where end of life desires are spelled out,we named each other to make the final judgment in the event we can't make it ourselves. We give copies to our primary MD's, and to each hospital (there are only 2 within 75 miles) and keep a copy at home. In the event 911 is called, there will be time to get it, since response time is 30-45 mins.
There are pages to state any desires for arrangements, the skids get copies of those where DH writes out that the skids are babies anymore and he expects them to be mature enough to handle a 2-3 hour service without "NEEDING" their BM! THANK YOU DH!!!!! He recently decided ,next time we're forced to endure BM, he will inform her, that when his time comes, he doesn't want her there!!! Party Time!
I know OSD42 will cause any drama she can. If I had my way, she would know nothing til after the fact!!!!