Fighting a Disneyland Mom?
I've been with my husband since his son was born. Long story short, before we got together he had a one night stand that stuck around, and here we are 4 years later. It took 2 of those four years to finally get custody sorted since she would literally run away with their child and refuse to tell my husband where she was, then randomly show up and say she needs to be stable again before she can have him back regularly and leave him with us for months at a time w/out so much as a phone call, then lawyered up before us, and we had to spend almost a full year providing texts and testimonies of all the stuff she's done. ANYWAY, fastforward to now, she's once again abandoned their son with us while she "gets stable again". It's been 2 months, her shortest time yet, and it's all rainbows and sunshine when he's over with her. No bedtime, sugary snacks and drinks all day long, tv as much as he wants, and because she only works part time (we both work full time) she gets to spend quite a bit of time with him compared to us. Now, he's been back with us for literally 48 hours. Both my husband and i have gone through 5 time outs, yelling and kicking and literal screaming at the top of his lungs that he doesn't want to be here with us anymore because "it's no fun" and yells that he's going to throw the rules in the garbage. These last 2 months have been just fine as far as behavior from him, until mom showed up at our door (without calling first, mind you) to take him and say she's finally got a place. I mean, we weren't gonna say no, you can't take him back. That's just awful. He would ask at least once a day for the last 2 months if it can go back to the way it was (one week with us, one week with mom and switching saturdays) and we had to tell him not until mom got a place. Well now that the schedule is back, he flips whenever he's with us because we're no fun and we have rules. I don't know what to do here. My sister says his mom is like a "Disneyland Mom". All fun and no rules for a little kid is great, and it makes us look like the evil villains. Her ex is the "Disneyland Dad" to their 10 year old, and all she says is as my stepson grows older, he'll realize that he won't be able to rely on his mom for much, since she'll always be going back and forth, and just to try our best to create a stable environment that encourages him, but teaches him right from wrong. I feel like all I'm doing is chasing my tail. So, now that I've got all that out, is anyone else dealing with a situation similar? Any advice other than "stick it out and it'll get better?"
It doesn't get better. No.
It doesn't get better. No. The teen years are hell for kids with little to no structure and no rules by mom who has primary custody. I am sorry.
Your DH tells her no and
Your DH tells her no and lawyers up. He shows that she is unstable and repeatedly disappearing on the child so he should have full custody and she is lucky if she even has EOW. He does this because his son deserves stability and her repeatedly disappearing from his life isn't going to provide that. Him living with her isn't reasonable no matter what she does when he's with her because she isn't able to prove she will stay.
Basically don't even worry about what she is and isn't doing in her parenting time. Your DH needs to step up and stop letting her do this to the kid. He provides a stable home and needs to be the full time parent. She has proven that she shouldn't even have 50/50. Sure she should see the kid but that doesn't mean her getting to keep him for extended times is what's best for him.
I understand you don't want to tell her no because the kid needs both a mom and dad but what he needs first is a safe place and mom doesn't provide that. She's not being a mother when she does this.
We're refiling custody at the
We're refiling custody at the beginning of the year for that very reason. We both just feel terrible telling a 4 year old he can't see his mom on a regular basis, even if it is best for him. He just doesn't understand why, all he sees is us taking away something/someone that he loves. I'm just afraid a judge is gonna see him as petty for trying to refile custody only a year into the agreement. In all fairness though, she couldn't even hold to the 50/50 for 6 months. But still, it worries me about how another round of court hearings is going to affect him.
4yos don't understand much of
4yos don't understand much of anything. You and DH need to stand your ground and keep this kid as far away from that toxic waste of parental skin BM as possible.
Start video taping the behavior upon return from the toxic BM. Document the transition from toxic hellion to reasonably behaved little boy and use it to skin BM in court. This kid needs you and DH to step up and protect his best interests and stop letting emotion drive your decisions and actions.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Right now is not the time to
Right now is not the time to worry about feelings. It's time to look at the facts.
Biomom can not be trusted with this child. She had full 50/50 and in less than 6 months showed she's incapable of handling that.
No judge will think it's petty. They will be angry mom can't be a responsible adult and it's harming the child.
Mom flying in and out of his life is going to cause long term harm to him. He needs stability not a misplaced hope that mom will suddenly do right. You guyd are not protecting him by letting this happen.
Dad need complete legal and phaycial custody. Mom needs supervised visits.
Sadly the problem is not BM.
Sadly the problem is not BM. It is you and DH for just giving the kid to her after her frequent abandonment of him. Get a killer aggressive shark of an attorney, get back to court, get full physical and legal custody, and get her limited to supervised visitation.
Until your DH mans up and becomes a decent parent this kid will just crash and burn into a behavioral nightmare.
I don't care what the bio-relationship is between a kid and a toxic person. Kids should not be forced to be exposed to people like your Skids toxic womb donor.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I didn't think about videoing
I didn't think about videoing these melt downs as evidence. I've done it once or twice to show him when he comes home so he can see exactly what's happening when it's just us. But maybe I should keep these on file just like we do the texts. It might help prove a point that he's not just being petty and wanting to "get back" at her.
This child needs a fin
This child needs a fin schedule with mom, pickup Saturday at 9 and return that evening at 8.
My DH and I deal with the
My DH and I deal with the same type of BM. She never punishes or expects anything from her kids. My DH fought for years to get custody. He didn't accomplish it until SDs were 9 and 11. It was too late then. They had been with their mom for too long. SD12 went nuts while she lived with us and she ended up going back to live with her mom. She won't even speak to her dad. In fact, she accused him of abusing her and starving her and a bunch of stuff. She literally told him that she would do whatever she needed to live with her mom, even accuse him of molesting her. SD9 is now 11 and she still struggles, even after 2 years of living full-time with us. She would rather be at her mom's house and DH and I both know it.
The fact is that this kid is 4. You need to take him out of this bad situation before he gets older. It will be much easier for him if you do it now. Plus, his mom is not providing a stable, healthy environment. Trust me, it won't get easier as he gets older. It will get much worse.
The Girhippo is a BFFing
The Girhippo is a BFFing "mom." StepDaddyBigBucks knows his place as walking ATM. For the longest time Chef was competing with the Girhippo to see who could be the most "fun"parent. What a disaster!
Result? Three skids(now adult, late teen, mid teen) who are massive, slovenly, disrespectful, joyless, underachieving failure to launch. Eldest is living with GF's mom and is working as a dishwasher and pot salesman. And he is the best out of all three