Hey JJ. I've only been on this board about a week, but it seems like everyone just posts in their blog and then people comment on it as they see it. I'm sure there are probably some people that communicate privately as well though, too.

This is the same stuff I went through for years... and in fact, I still get it and my sk's don't even LIVE here anymore because they are adults. I have always heard from not JUST my sk's but also my dh that I "picked on" my sk's. I call bull crap every time because it is NOT true. I did everything the same with all of the kids regardless of whether I gave birth to them or not. They were all in my care, they were ALL treated the same. Actually, truth be known, I was HARDER on my kids and "picked on" them more because I expected a heck of a lot more from them then dh expected from his own hoodlums.

The only thing I will suggest to anyone in this situation right now is disengaging. We are NOT responsible for our step kids. We did not give birth to them or father them. We have nothing to gain or lose by "parenting" them (except to lose our minds maybe). And honestly, for 11 years I viewed my sk's as "my kids". I referred to them as "my kids". It wasn't until a month ago that I basically had it thrown in my face by sd that I am NOT her mother and she does not believe that I did anything to BE a mother to her other than take her to the doctor and get her in trouble with her father. She and SS both think that life would have been easier without me around because their daddy would have let them do whatever they wanted to. I was the one that made their be some kind of law and order in my household. This same law and order that my ds17 came to me 2 months ago and said, "I'm glad you were hard on me because it made me the person I am today." That is the difference between BIO children and STEP children in a nut shell. When that happened, I instantly disengaged from my sk's. I was tired of being talked to like crap, disrespected, tired of dealing with their poor tempers and attitudes. Finally I realized, I am not responsible for them not only because they are adults, but also because they were never mine to begin with. If they want THEIR parents and JUST their parents, they can have them, but I will also just stick with MY children who love me unconditionally and who I AM responsible for and love with all of my heart unconditionally. This holiday season has been liberating for me because I have been able to go and do EXACTLY for my kids what I have wanted to do for YEARS but didn't want to hurt the sk's feelings by excluding them. This year, I don't care because they have their parents to do for them. And I can promise you that my kids will STILL end up better off even with only 1 parent (1 bd (bio dad) had his parental rights terminated for abandonment and the other bio dad has not done anything for my ds for any holiday or birthday in about 8 years. No gifts at all. EVER) because our holidays are not focused around fighting and what no one did for "ME". Thanksgiving today was fantastic... just me, dh, my mom, and my 3 kids. I didn't invite my sk's. Don't want them here with their drama and their BS. Truth be known, I would have felt better if dh would have went to sd's because he ended up being in a crap mood all day and kept bringing up all of this drama BS going on with SS that I could have done without hearing. But oh well. I still had a good time with my kids and my ds's girlfriend.

All of that said to say... if your dh does NOT like the way you handle HIS children, then HE needs to handle HIS children HIMSELF. ALL discipline... ALL chores... ALL school events and functions... ALL EVERYTHING needs to be dealt with BY your dh. HE is the one that is responsible for HIS children BIOLOGICALLY. YOU are NOT. I actually went down to my dh earlier today after he tried to pass off 2 extra chores to my dd13 as permanent jobs without even discussing it with me and I told him, "I was never allowed to just divy out jobs to your kids without discussing it with you first. I would appreciate it if you would DISCUSS crap with me FIRST rather than just doing whatever you want to. DD10 can handle 1 of those jobs, while DD13 can handle the 2nd job. It would be very nice if you would DISCUSS my children with me rather than just jumping over my head!" All of this said because I DO take responsibility for my kids. Always have. And if I EVER would ahve done something like that with HIS kids all HELL would have broke loose and his kids would have ended up not having to do whatever it was I gave them. He always made it a point to NOT agree with me in front of them... which is why they don't respect me now and why we are in the place we are now.

But anyway... this got longer than I planned. I am a very firm believer that if someone thinks they can do something or handle something better than I can, I tell them to GO FOR IT! If your dh thinks you play favorites to your son, don't argue about it... just tell him that if he feels you treat his kids unfairly then he should handle everything concerning his children on his own and you will deal with YOUR child. The point here is to get him to see that it's not as easy to handle all of these kids as he apparently thinks it is and if he doesn't back you up, it's only going to make your job 10 times harder and in the end you will be regretting that you ever did all of this for your sk's, like I do. That is how I would handle things until you can get to this counselor that can maybe play moderator and help you with some better solutions. Disengaging is the only way I was able to find PEACE.

Hello and welcome. I am no stranger to your key issues of different household standards and lazy teenagers! I've been with my husband 7 years, he had 5 children from his first marriage who were 16,13,12,8 and 6 when we got together (we now have 2 children of our own, DD3 and DS1). We mostly get on well now but the early years were fraught with tension and frustration as we all silently battled to assert our values and habits in my then BF's home. Underpinning all the friction over who did what, how tidy the house was kept, whether the children should help out, what food we ate, how we spent our time together, what we watched on the telly, etc etc, was my desire to have things more like my own home and upbringing so I could feel at home and less like a fish out of water, and their resistence against having a new and slightly suspect interloper forcing unfamiliar and unwelcome changes on their home life. There were few out and out confrontations, but many unspoken tensions and resentments.

Meanwhile my then BF just wanted his children to be happy when they were with him, and that motivated him against enforcing chores or rules. This was unfortunate because if there's one thing you need in that situation it's for the adults to agree a set of groundrules which represent a compromise on both sides, talk them out with the children, and then enforce them consistently. My SKids are nice children, if things had been clearer and more open and consistent from the start they would have stepped up. In the end we had counselling and it made a huge difference to way we related to each other, dealt wiith conflict, and parented his children. Here's some things I learned that might be of some use to you:

1. If you and your partner start out with different parenting styles, you have to acknowledge this, accept it and work hard to agree a middle ground which you are both committed to adhering to. Couples counselling is incredibly helpful and can diffuse a lot of tension, giving you a valuable mediator for your worst differences of opinion, and a place where you can vent without it always turning into a row with your partner.
2. Do not step into the void and compensate for everyone else's lack of effort. You will end up resentful, your efforts will be taken for granted, and the resulting anger will affect your relationship with your partner. After years of knock down fights about chores and behaviour, and resentment on my part that I had to do so much because he required them to do so little, I told my DH that if he wanted his children to do less, then HE needed to do more, because that was HIS choice and they were HIS children. I had a right to keep our home to a standard I was confortable with. He accepted this, and once he realised how much work was involved, and we started counselling, he realised that actually it was fair and appropriate that the children contribute. That contribution started small, and as it was accepted and the world didn't fall apart, it was gradually increased.
3. The bioparent has to be prepared to step up and present and enforce your mutually agreed rules, particularly to start with. In a way it doesn't actually matter what the rules are, all that matters is that they are clear and consistently followed. The bioparent has to back you up and should insist that their children are respectful, but you also have to stand up for yourself sometimes so the children can see your mettle.
4. You have to compromise on the way you want your home to run, in order that the children can also feel like it is their home. That means you can't always have it as tidy as you might like, and they can't have it as untidy as they like.
5. Don't set yourself unrealistic goals. It is not your responsibility to walk into a teenagers life and inbue them with focus and motivation and your values. Over time, if you are a positive role model and gain tenure in their lives you may be able to have some influence, but you can't force that and trying to do so will only cause you stress and alienate the children.
6. Teenagers are a nightmare. Chances are when they get to 13 to some degree they will suddenly become lazy, messy, know=it-all, vain, self-obsessed and far more interested in their friends than in their parents or step-parents. This comes across much worse to stepparents because it's not buffered by unconditional love on either side. You just have to try to weather the storm, agree how much slack you are prepared to cut them, enforce the rules you have agreed, and try to be supportive of each other as parents.
7. Look to your partner for appreciation and love, not your SKids. Children are programmed to take things for granted so it's a route to misery if you seek your reward in your relationship with your SKids.

Hope this is of some help.