Why did he wait until SD was 12 to get a DNA test?

If you come to the fork in the road and you ask yourself this question, deep inside you, you already know the answer, to leave this marriage and start new.... but you are not sure and wants validation from strangers.

Hon, you have your answer, this will never change, DH is never going to change, BM will always boss him around, and you will have to accept it or move on. You have to decide and then act, I think you already decided but is to scared to act.

Simply do what's best for you and your son, rather start at the bottom now and work your way up again then ignoring all of this and try and do it when you are 60... then it's too late..

Marriage never works if there was secrets and lies....DH knew there was a possibility the kid could not be his, why did he not do something about it, years ago... cause he's still emotionally connected to his Ex wife...

I seriously feel bad that this marriage is falling apart not because he has cheated or I have cheated but but because outside circumstances force us to.

But it's not really the outside circumstances that are damaging, it's how your husband is dealing the BM. The fact that he is not biologically the girl's father really means nothing at this point, he has been the girl's father since she was born and has been bending to the ex's will, even before the DNA test, no?

The issue is that he lets the BM use and manipulate him, to the detriment of his relationship with you. He does not have to jump when BM says jump, just to prove that he loves his kids or that he's a good dad.

That was a promise that my DH made to me, that he would never let BM use his daughter to manipulate him. And he stuck to that, even though BM used it against him. He loves his daughter but has never let BM use that to keep his balls. God knows she tried.

I think you know the answer to your question. If you feel that your husband is not going to change, do you want to continue to live like this?

"...he should feel the same as you..."

That sums it up.

The entire thing...nicely said, sueu2!

I'm wondering why he bothered with a DNA test, if he is going to continue his relationship with SD and BM status quo? What the heck was the point??

What stands out to me is the screaming. That is an issue - your husband cannot have a civil conversation about things, and is escalating it to a lower level. That tells me that there are respect issues between you two. Yes, boundaries must be set with the BM, who feels like it is ok to inconvenience both you and DH, and lives her life according to her own wishes, needs and desires without consideration for anyone else (that is what I am getting from your post). I don't see this as a reason to breakup, however.

If you need space for other reasons, that might be advisable. He needs to place you and your son as the priority, not the BM. I feel for the kiddo, who thought your DH was her bio-father. I hope she is doing well with all the chaos.

Your question about the unreasonableness of your feelings that BM is placed on a pedestal and receiving more respect than you - well you and DH should address that in couples therapy. I still do not think, IMHO, that would be a reason to leave your marriage.

"Yells" "yells in front of 6 year old" "Only wants his way" "jumps when bm says to" "I took a week off work to care for kid" "I make suggestions based on professional advice, he [invalidates my input]"

Ummmmm. Yeah. Leave.

You also asked why bm gets all the respect and you get none. The answer is "because she demands it."
You are asking for respect. There is a huge difference between asking and demanding. See how the results speak for themselves between the two methods?

It seems your dh is a s*it rolls downhill kind of guy. Sure, he's basically "nice' in many ways. But bm treats him like crap and he sucks it up but turns around and treats you like crap. He has already indicated he would never listen to a therapist. So there's no where for you to go with this marriage but out. In my humble opinion.