Should I receive an apology?
This past Saturday it was my 1st couple counseling session for my husband & myself. I suggested it due to our problems of me feeling uncomfortable with the idea of him forcing me to have a relationship with his 13yrs old “daughter” (he found out she’s not his 7mths ago via DNA). Like I’ve always said, his relationship with her is his choice but he shouldn’t make that choice for me.
Anyways, we went to therapy & the therapist suggested as a start that I shouldn’t leave the house when she comes over & if I’m feeling uncomfortable I can simply just go to my bedroom & have alone time. He also said that over the weekend we should do 1hr of a fun activity together to start the whole process of accepting. Fair enough for me! That Saturday night after my husband texted with the girl she said she didn’t want to come over the house & wanted to go to her grandma’s house instead. Of course my husband agreed & he slept over his mother’s house. Of course I felt bad but I didn’t say anything. In my head I’m thinking “why are you constantly fighting with me about trying to have a relationship with her when she doesn’t want one herself?” The following morning I texted him to see if he would be joining me in doing laundry & he said yes. He came by, we went to do laundry & came back home. He said he would go back to his mother’s house & I said I would take a nap. He said to text him when I woke up & I said ok. When I woke up I texted a simple “I’m awake now”. I laid in bed watching tv & about 3hrs passed without a reply. He’s always said that I could call him anytime & if he doesn’t answer his personal cell phone I can always call his work cell phone. I called the personal & he didn’t pick up. I call the work cell phone & the “daughter” picks up & tells me she didn’t know where her father was. At that precise moment I get a call on the other line from my husband telling me he’s right across the street from his mom’s house & I mentioned what his daughter said to me & he was shocked. A few minutes later he calls back & tells me that he talked to his daughter about lying to me & she simply said “I don’t know” as to why she lied to me. I felt pretty bad at her behavior & I did mention to him that I thought I needed an apology from her & he got super upset. I get that I don’t have the best relationship with her & I get that he basically does whatever she wants but allowing her to treat me that way is not giving me my place. I just felt he needed to send her a message to respect me & not lie to me.
Now of course we’ve been arguing about that issue & others. I honestly didn’t feel like fighting with him that last night I decided to go sleep with my 6yr old son in the other room. I also don’t like the fact that he screams up a storm at me when arguing which honestly I don’t think I deserve & causes my son to be scared.
Am I wrong for wanting him to have his "daughter" apologize to me?
It's a waste of time- even if
It's a waste of time- even if she apologises she'll just do something else to rattle you soon. This is a long term situation if you feel it's worth fighting for. The counselling may help you to make a decision about what is best for you and your son- I don't think DH is going to change into responsible parent anytime soon. My DH is 65 and hasn't got there yet,so you have to think about disengagement- you'll get plenty of tips on how to work this one- or you have to think about whether you want to be second fiddle to DH and his darling snowflake of a daughter for ever. I say forever because my skids are not allowed to be grown up by either parent, same with their children...it is like being in a permanent nursery.
I'm sure she'll eventually do
I'm sure she'll eventually do something again but I at least want her to feel ashamed at her actions.
Your wanting her to do so
Your wanting her to do so won't make it happen- you can't make her feel ashamed if she doesn't. The only feelings you can control are your own.
As much as you want her to
As much as you want her to feel ashamed, she is not going to, because her father is not enforcing her to consider your feelings or respect you
Her behavior is going to get worse and your relationship is going to be jeopardized if DH does not respect your right to disengage.
You aren't mean to her, you simply don't want a relationship with her. There is nothing wrong with that.
One thing I recommend is not letting her kick you out of your own home. Don't let her make you feel like you don't belong.
If DH wants the 2 of you to get along he needs to make some serious and firm changes in the way he approaches his daughter.
First, enforce respect, you are his wife-she doesn't have to like you but respecting you is simply something she should do as long as her father is with you. I mean, that even leans into have respect for her father by showing the same to his partner.
Honestly your DH doesn't sound very respectful himself though. I wouldn't tolerate being yelled at like that. People lose their cool, but he's a grown man. If you ask him to speak to you in a more level headed way then he needs to do that and act like an adult capable of having a normal discussion with his wife.
Unfortunately many SKS are seriously lacking in the respect department often times because of situations like this wherein the partner of the SP is not enforcing any for of discipline with their child.
If he wants things to work between the 2 of you then he is going to have to put his foot down with this bad behavior.
He should definitely have a talk with his daughter about not talking about you with her mother. That is the beginning of a long and winding road of alienation.
Again, DH can either accept your decision or make serious changes to encourage you to restart your relationship with SD.
Good luck. This usually never turns out well. SKS can be notoriously mean and hateful toward SP, especially if their BP does start disciplining them.
Permanent Nursery - Right on
I just had to laugh. It really is a permanent nursery. My SD's are 26 and 29 - snowflakes for sure and still are not "grown up". My 19 year old neice is more "grown up" than they are. It's their parents fault - and the girls have taken advantage of it all.
I enjoyed that comment!
Kaylene
let it go.... remember this
let it go.... remember this and use at as reason for not building any kind of relationship with her, smile and say, Hon she's not family thus I have no interest in making her family, I rather eat glass...
do not let him guilt you into anything, live your life, she's 13, when she's 16 she will see him less and less, cause she will be hanging with friends and living her own life, when she's 20 she will completely ignore him and only contact him for money and gifts.
I wish it was that easy for
I wish it was that easy for me to just tell him I have no interest. It's already bad enough I get yelled at if I even say I don't feel comfortable with her.
Ignore him if he
Ignore him if he yells......
I only once asked Ex, well do you love the neighbors kid like your own (evil little child) He replied:NO...
I said why not.... cause I'm not the parent nor family.... then he simply looked at me and the light went on....
I never paid attention if he started with,
you hate my daughter, - I replied YES I do cause she has no respect for any one, not even self respect
you should be a friend to her, I replied NO we did not attend the same day care, I'm not her friend I'm an adult and have my own friends
We are family - NO we are not family, and we will not be family even if we get married... there's no blood relation
Wow, I would ditch this
Wow, I would ditch this counselor.
Is dh paying child support for BM's child?
DH is paying child support
DH is paying child support since he was married to the mother of the child when she was born & divorced her 4yrs ago so he basically raised this child. The court either way will still will have him pay for child support until she's 18 regardless whether it's his child or not because the state basically doesn't want to pay money for children. The only way he can get out of this will be if he would to find the real dad & have him take over payments for this child.
That's a nightmare
If your DH didn't adopt her, why should be be paying child support for a kid that is not his?
There are all kinds of messed
There are all kinds of messed up laws regarding child support.
Basically, if you're married and you have a baby, the baby is presumed to be yours and you are responsible for child support.
The only way out of it is as she stated: you have to find the biological dad, have him tested, then request your name be removed from the birth certificate, then his name can be put on.
So yeah, a big mess.
My SO went thru a weird experience with this a couple years ago.
He got mail asking him to come to court. He showed me and was confused, I didn't know what it for either, not a clue.
Turns out a woman claimed paternity and was going after my SO for child support.
Obviously I asked, 'did you sleep with her? Is this a possibility?'
He swore that he didn't even know her and that he had never met her.
I had a tendency to believe him because she lived out of atate.
So, he has to go to court, the judge grills him, saying 'you better put up money now, because I'm ordering back child aupport'
My DH was upset the judge was acting like he was guilty of a crime he wasn't aware he committed.
So my SO ask for a DNA test-the kid is not his.
It wasn't a surprise.
Turns out they had got my SO mixed up with a man that literally had the same name, same description, same age-just in a different county.
I did research and found out at that time that a woman can claim paternity, no matter if you have ever even met her, and YOU are responsible for proving you aren't the dad.
So much for INNOCENT until proven GUILTY.
the counselor suggested you
the counselor suggested you can banish yourself in your own roomin your own house when sd is around?
i also say ditch the counselor!
you are due an apolgy from your husband, as you wont get it from the sd. you will not likely get one however.
at 13 sd is just learning how to manipulate her father and step mother. she knows what she doing.
i would use this time to rethink your relationship with sd. when my skids were this age esp the sds, i began to see thinks change when they wanted to be the mini wifes of their daddy. this was a permanent change in my relationship with them.
time to disengage from trying to be a part of the life of sd.
I really have tried to
I really have tried to disengage from her life but then DH starts to give me the guilt thing about having him choose between her & him & I tend to give in. I know she knows what she's doing & he did apologize for her actions which is fine, but then turns around & does whatever she wants whenever she wants it.
He yells at you? Total ass.
He yells at you? Total ass. You have bigger problems than the skid.
His yelling has gotten out of
His yelling has gotten out of hand lately. Last week he yelled at me sooo loud that I left as I didn't want to engage in a discussion with him. As I was leaving the neighbor walked over to me & asked if I was ok as she was listening to him from a few houses down. He tells me that it's not sooo bad & just because he's louder than most people doesn't necessarily mean he's that bad. The arguments & yelling are causing me to want to go sleep to either my son's room or the living room & then he complains about me not wanting to stay in our bed. This morning he asked if I wanted him to leave the house & my response was "do whatever makes you happy"? What else can I possibly say at this point?
if dh is yelling at you he is
if dh is yelling at you he is most likely frustrated at his divorce and having to raise a child that is not his. they call this projection in counseling.
this is the start of a huge mess for you and your marriage. you dh may be a ball of anger, confusion and guilt at this point.
if he is taking this all out on you, he cant see objectively enough to assess the situation.
protect your health and mental state and your finances. you wont regret it.
also go into counseling for your self at this point. do not bring along husband or sd.
You might be right. I get
You might be right. I get that he might be angry at the situation. Like I said, he can have whatever relationship he wants with the girl & continue being a "dad" but he shouldn't go above & beyond for her when he doesn't have to (the girl doesn't know the truth). He has a choice in this & if he chooses to continue to do this & let her act this way then it's on him now at this point. I thank you for your suggestion about taking counseling by myself, I think I do need it at this point to protect my own state.
i wish you the best m
i wish you the best m pantoja. you owe it to your self
(hugs)
Well you did your part and
Well you did your part and were willing to try. DH is going to let SD run the show and this will be his reality with her. I'd personally be happy and encourage the visitation to continue at grandmas house. I wouldn't push for an apology because SD won't really mean it, she definitely won't feel shame, and she's going to do little things like this over and over.
Disengage, enjoy skid and drama free weekends.
Trust me, I've encouraged
Trust me, I've encouraged weekends at grandma's house & he has gotten upset at this. So I changed it to bring her by & I can go spend the weekend at my parents, that also made him upset. I suggested counseling & the therapist suggested I stay at the house & try to engage since he claimed at therapy that he wanted to have both of us spend time with him. I agreed since I love him & want to make him happy & the same day he therapist suggested this he goes around & switches it to going to go sleep at his mom's house since she wanted to go over there. I even mentioned in therapy that she doesn't like to come over & he denied it so why does he get upset at me not having a relationship with her & when I agree to it he then turns around & does the opposite yet I'm still at fault for some reason. Then on top of that, I have to take her being mean to me & lie to me over the phone about her dad.
Are you sure your DH was
Are you sure your DH was actually at his mother's house when you called. I think SD may have been telling the truth when she said she didn't know where he was, because he was somewhere else....with someone else.
The reason he's so angry is that now you're asking for his daughter to apologise. She may have nothing to apologise for. He was using his visit with her as a cover for something else.
Think about the yelling. If it's so bad the neighbour three houses down can hear him, then you have an abusive situation. People who are having affairs often display anger toward the innocent spouse.
Is he the father of your 6 year old? If not, you need to get away and out of this relationship, evenif only to get your son to a peaceful life.
Sorry to be paranoid, but this has many red flags. I think your DH is fooling around.
I know for a fact the was at
I know for a fact the was at his mother's house as I'm pretty close to his sister & she also doesn't like the way that the little girl treats me & I was on the phone with her & I was able to hear him in the background (the little girl was somewhere outside playing). Plus, I saw several snapchats from family members that Sunday where I saw him mingling there & being there. I just feel like he doesn't want to tell the daughter anything to avoid her feeling bad. This is the not the 1st time she's mean to me & I tell him to talk to her & he just gets upset at me when I tell him to talk to her. Like once before I saw text messages from the little girl to the mom talking bad about me & saying stuff that was not true yet he got mad at me when I asked him to talk to her. From what I heard, he has never really disciplined the child & lets her do whatever she wants. He even himself has said to me that she just has to give him a teary eye face for him to just let everything go. On top of that, he has the GPS turned on his phone where I can know where he's at as he knows where I'm at for security purposes. I don't think he would be able to cheat when he knows I can look at that thing anytime I want. Plus, he never hides his phones or has even passwords on it & leaves them around the house & even asks me to pick up calls when he can't get to the phone.
No, he's not the father of my 6yr old child & I have thought about the idea of leaving. I just stop to think about everything we've gained together. Our only issue that we have is this daughter & her issues. Other than that, we don't argue or fight about anything else.
I wish I could say you would
I wish I could say you would get an apology, but sadly you won't. My DH doesn't make the SS's apologize to me for anything.
I don't agree with the therapist saying you need to have a relationship with SD. If you tried, then now you need to disengage.
I tried having a relationship with my Skids. In the beginning it seemed ok, but now it's gone south. I didn't even realize I was disengaging until I joined this forum.
Please do what is best for you. Your happiness is very important. You deserve to be happy.
Does this girl know her
Does this girl know her 'father' is not her bio father?
Your DH is feeding the guilt monster. He wants to make her happy enough to negate the horrible things in her life.
Look, this girl isn't fond of you. I think every child is entitled to like and not like whoever they want. Though they should be polite and civil and remember their pleases and thankyous. But warm fuzzies? Hugs and cutsey selfies? She would rather walk hot coals. She is entitled to feel this way.
The trick is for DH to see that despite his best intentions that SD doesn't want to deal with you. Some men just think marrying a female will make his family whole again.
So what to do? Tell DH you respect his daughter's reluctance to get along with you. She is allowed to choose who she likes and doesn't like and he needs to respect this.
As for the lying ... she probably doesn't know what to say to you. Look, she is uncomfortable with dealing with you and is a 12 yr old girl not a 32 yr old woman. She is awkward and difficult and probably hormonal. Let her be happy staying at grandmas.
And you learned the #1 step parent lesson: You cannot make kids like you and you cannot buy their affection.
So in a nutshell, I would hand her behavior back to DH and not make this about you but rather about respecting his daughters choices. This way he has to accept she is the one driving this chasm not you,
No, she doesn't know he's not
No, she doesn't know he's not the father. The mother refuses to tell her or even has thought of the possibility of one day telling her. She said to DH that she'll rather tell the girl that he died than to ever tell her the truth. As far as us having any sort of relationship, I think we've both are pretty clear that we are not interested in that yet DH refuses to accept it. I have made my opinions known & by the girl not wanting to come over she's making her thoughts known yet DH somehow doesn't want to see it. I even said to him that he's making us both miserable by making us have a relationship as it's pretty clear she doesn't want to come over & he denied it saying that she has never said anything. Yeah, maybe not precisely in words but her actions & by saying she'll rather go to grandma's house is basically saying I don't want to go home with you. I respect that the girl doesn't want to have nothing to do with me, I'm not forcing her. If she doesn't want to talk to me or hear my voice then she also just has the option of not picking up the phone that her dad let her borrow when I call. She can simply just let it ring & that's it rather than picking it up just to say a lie & be mean. I also get she's not a grown up, but she is of age where she understands what being mean/rude is. All I'm saying is I deserve a bit of respect in regards to that & if she's not willing to do that then just ignore my phone call when I call the dad's phone & that's it. I have tried to my DH soooo many times about her attitude & somehow she finds a way to justify it. I get he might feel guilty about something he has no control over. It's not his fault his ex wife would sleep around & ended up having a child with another man. Well maybe he might feel a bit of fault as he would let her walk all over him & would take her back each & every time until he finally had enough after the 6-7 time he found out of a new guy.
Do you think that your
Do you think that your relationship is worth what your putting your child through? Is he seeing behaviors that you want him to emulate? Are you concerned about the long term effects this is going to have on your son. What would tell a friend to do?
Why would you allow your
Why would you allow your husband to scream at you? Does your 6 year old witness your DH screaming at you?
I hate to say it, but your relationship sounds very unhealthy
Your SD is the least of your problems IMHO.
And the counselor sounds awful. If I were you, I would find a good counselor just for you. I get the impression you have low self esteem and maybe your own counselor would help you work through some of that?
Your DH has his priorities
Your DH has his priorities completely F-ed up. You come first. The marriage comes first. PERIOD!
His abandoning his wife and home for a toxic spawn that isn't even his is pathetic. I get that until recently he thought she was his. However, facts are in play now that need to be addressed. None of those facts have anything to do with her genetics. They have to do with your DH complete failure as a husband and father. SD comes to visit dad... PERIOD. She does not dictate shit for anything. She does what she is told.
He needs clarity on this.