Hi All. I don't even know what my Subject is- General Rant perhaps? This is my first post to the board so please forgive me if I mess up the Acronyms. Here's my story. I've been married to DH for 2 years now, together 3.5 total. We have no kids. I have an adult daughter who gets along with everyone, including DH. She does not live with us and never has as she was already 18 & away when he and I met. But I have a SS8 -kinda. I say kinda because he is the result of an affair the ex-wife had in the 4th yr of of marriage to my DH. My DH thought it was his but after few months he realized child was not bi-racial at all (they were interracial) and she confessed that it wasn't his. But BM had postpartum depression & didn’t want to deal with SS8 so DH stuck around until she got over it. A year passed and all that happened was my DH, who is Fatherless himself, bonded with the kid and opted to stay in Father role, though he did divorce her. She said she'd never tell the real BioFather that the child existed. We don’t know if that’s true, but that’s a story for a different time. So my SS8 is a different race than DH & let's top the nonsense off with he has no idea (yet) that my DH is not is BioFather. Yay me, right?!
All of that said, I’ve tried to make best of it, try to get along with everyone despite that I can’t stand the BM and find it hard to bond with SS8. I've never been fond of BM but for the past year it’s become an outright dislike. She's manipulative, self-centered & holds the child over his head. She makes all the big or final decisions about her kid and treats my DH like a glorified babysitter-until she needs us. There’s no formal child support but she’s always asking for money for this or that, even though she brags that she makes $85K per year. Example: Last year she said she wanted to take him on his first plane flight to DC. She asked for $250 to pay for his ticket. She took the money and then drove there as it’s just 6hrs away. She used the money to “make sure he had a good time”. Yet all they did was the free stuff like the museums. She has no other kids. There's no formal visitation agreement but she uses us at any time without notice and for up to week at a time, pretty regularly.
As for my DH, he'll drop any plans we have, let's her rearrange agreements that impact us -without consulting us, makes plans that involve me having to babysit but does not tell me in advance, never tells her No b/c when he has, she will throw the "well you don't have to be in his life at all" book his way. She is bluffing--I know she won't get rid of the person who watches her brat 50% of the time, but he thinks she's for real. She acts like a single woman and through her various network of babysitters (primarily us) she has him about 25% of the time. I could go on but that's the main issue with her--she is not appreciative that someone opted to be a Father to her. Instead she takes full advantage.
As for the SS8, I've tried to bond with him to no avail. I’ve dated men with kids and it was fine and I had fun with their kids. This situation is so different though. We have nothing in common. He has nothing in common with DH who tries to get him interested in things too. We try to ask what he wants to do and it usually involves lying down on a couch. He won’t even ride bicycle-what kid won’t ride a bike?! He just likes to watch TV, literally. I try to play board games with him and he tries to cheat all the time. We’ve taken him on many trips with us (she has only taken him on 2 vacations in 4 yrs but she takes 3 or 4, week long trips per year for herself). He is smug & looks down on “poor kids”. He’s a selfish brat that other kids won't play with for long b/c he brags or is a very sore loser (as in screams at other kids, sit down and cry with his arms folded). He won't share. He is lazy & half does everything. It’s always a fuss for the first days we get him, trying to get him house-broken again. Flush toilet, wash your hands, take a shower, brush your teeth, throw away your trash—all the things an 8yr old should automatically know.

I try to look at him as an innocent kid & not blame him for his mother or my husband’s shortcomings. I try not to show my frustration in front of him. But it’s getting harder and harder. Lately SS8 smarts off and flat out tells my DH “no” when the ask him to do something and then he outright ignores him. My DH fuss a little but never disciplines him. I don't feel it's my place to do it but I will not have a kid run my house or be disrespectful in it so I have started putting him on time-out or taking away tv privileges. I resent being put in that position. I've come close to bailing out over this and then there was a saving grace. Or so I thought.

Three months ago, we moved 4 hours away due to DH job transfer and I was so glad! I was on cloud-9 because a total of 3.5yrs of this bs and I thought no more 4 nights per week of dealing with SS8 or the BM. But I was wrong. Every other weekend for the first 2 months, we drive 2.5 hrs to meet her more than halfway to exchange him. She is always late or delaying the agreed upon time to pick him up (but never late to drop him off). In June we had him for 11 days. I wasn't told in advance. My Husband works 6 days a week & I work from home 50-60hrs a week as a project mgr in a very stressful role. Yet I had to watch SS8 and work for that whole week b/c I had no other choice. This incident really got ugly and almost ended the marriage that very week. Made it through the time, very tense. Later he tells me he talked to BM & that we won’t get him any more weekends this Summer, but instead would have him one week (Fri to following Sun) in July and one week in August. Again, agreement made involving my time that did not consult me. So I told him he had to take off work during those weeks because I wasn’t keeping him and working again and I wasn’t eating up my vacation time watching her kid. Sick of being taken for granted. Still this jeopardizes any other travel for rest of year since he’ll eat up most of his Vacation time.

I don’t know what to do with this but I can’t take another 10 years of having to deal with this or even beyond. My DH looks like a coward which I find very distasteful but I’m trying to remember he has a big heart and really considers himself this kids Dad so I’m trying to look at it the same way. He’s coming this Friday until next Saturday. I am getting indigestion every day just thinking about it. It’s been 4 weeks since we’ve seen him and we’ve literally had a blast. No stress or tension in the house at all. BM does have him calling all the time, but that’s better than having him here. Now my peace is going up in smoke. Wish me luck. Sigh.