Unfair?
Just curious what you guys think about this situation that happened a month or so ago and how you would have handled it.
The kids go to two separate schools and it just so happened their breaks weren't exactly the same for Christmas/New years. Mine went back to school on a Wednesday and his didn't go back until the following Monday. To help this I put my two in a bedroom because we have bunk beds and I'm not waking up the two kids who don't have school trying to get my daughter ready so my two shared a room which is no biggy.
We have normal school day routines that we follow during the week. Typically my 5 year old comes home and if he gets a green or better for his behavior he gets to play on the iPad. He ended up getting two blue behaviors in a row. We don't typically bring out the iPad when SD's are here because it's one iPad and 4 kids. On the night of the second blue I felt bad because he didn't get to do anything special so I put the kids to bed and quietly put the iPad in the room with my son and daughter with the intention they could stay up 30 mins to an hour later and play on it before they actually went to sleep.
My husband found out and made a big stink about it.. He claimed it wasn't fair, blah blah blah. If I wanted to reward my son then ONLY he should be able to play with the iPad and not my daughter. I was trying to do it in a way his kids wouldn't notice but with him going on and on it backfired. He ended up taking the iPad away from my son. So the next night I gave the iPad to JUST my son. My husband still wasn't thrilled with the idea even though he claimed the night before it's what I should do. Basically his precious snowflakes were left out so he pitched a fit.
Also agitated because SD7 pissed the bed last night after being "accident" free for a little while after he got on her butt about it and told her he was done with it and if she continued she would have consequences. Woke him up to clean her mess this morning and guess what happened? Nothing. His excuse was it was an accident. Then has the nerve to come home from work and ask me if I put her in a pullup before bed. I smiled and said nope.. it was an accident. I'm sure I'll be waking him up to pissy sheets again in the morning.
My daughter also went to
My daughter also went to school while his kids sat in front of a tv the entire day. Sorry if I wanted my kids to actually have some type of "fun" since we typically limit tv/technology time but apparently he didn't feel the need to that day.
As for SD7.. You DO give her consequences when she's doing it on purpose and just doesn't care. If you want to clean up piss then props to you but I've been dealing with it for almost 2 years. I'm done.
SS is five so I understand
SS is five so I understand the reward system for good faces; however, in this case I think you should have found an alternative reward since his kids were over. In a way you and your DH were both wrong. His complaint was valid but how he went about venting to you in front of his kids was wrong. The whole bed wetting incident is a separate can of worms and it is his to deal with. Why would he even ask you to put a pull up on HIS seven year old? Nope! His mess to clean, his mess to fix. Don't use his lack of parenting as an excuse not to do it though, instead of telling him "no it was a accident" you should have said "no dear this is your department"
We don't know why she is
We don't know why she is peeing the bed. It's random and she has control over it because when she felt like she was actually going to get punished it magically stopped for a while. We limit drinks after a certain time and make sure they potty before bed. Nothing helps.
Does her dad get up during
Does her dad get up during the night and make her go to the bathroom?
If see's only wetting herself at night, then she isn't doing it on purpose.
He has before. There has been
He has before.
There has been instances both during the day and at night. She's peed on herself during the day. Last time they were changing clothes and I sent her sister to the bathroom to change. She peed on herself after getting changed into her new clothes right before going back to BM's house. When asked why she said her sister was in the bathroom. Her sister was in there for a whole 3 mins, if that and she said nothing of needing to go. She is 7 and CAN hold her bladder.
As for night the time before yesterday she was in a pullup. She didn't get up to go potty all night or morning but was awake an hour before I went into the bedroom to get them to go eat breakfast. I was awake and could hear when they woke up. When she took off the pull up it was soaked with HOT FRESH urine. So yes, she is doing it on purpose. She is purposely peeing on herself because she is too lazy to go to the bathroom.
Then it's her father's
Then it's her father's responsibility to get her up during the night EVERY NIGHT and to make sure she heads to the bathroom as soon as she gets up.
Yeah, some kids do not feel the urge to go until they HAVE TO GO. You seem to be operating from the premise that this child is fully aware of having to go, but makes to choice to wet her pants instead.
I find it interesting that you would put a child in a fancy pamper,then take issue with her urinating in the darn thing. :? :?
I'd be on the same page if we
I'd be on the same page if we wouldn't have been dealing with this for so long and she DOES know when she has to go. She's fine every other time when figuring out when she needs the bathroom. It's totally random and not every night or even every day but it happens frequent enough to where I'm tired of it and with evidence she IS doing it on purpose because she is lazy.
The pullup is to keep the mess from the bed. She's already ruined one mattress and although hers currently has a plastic cover it still retains the smell after a while and we have to change it out. At 7 years old she should know when she needs to go to the bathroom without someone holding her hand. At some point she needs to learn responsibility considering there is no medical issue and it's a matter of her just not getting up and going.
I'm not sure that I
I'm not sure that I understand the iPad reward system in the first place. So if DS gets a smiley at school he gets to play on iPad. Do all 4 kids have the same opportunity? Since there is only one iPad, what happens if they all 4 get smileys? I'm not sure splitting one iPad is the best reward in the first place, but moving on...
So assuming they all have the same opportunity to earn rewards (which they should), and DS is the ONLY one who got a smiley that day, why are you trying to hide his reward from the others? I understand that the others weren't back in school yet, but you could have simply explained that once school starts back up, they can earn their rewards too. Maybe they will have more days of school later in the year and the situation will be reversed. Life can't always be 100% fair and now is a great time to start teaching kids that while explaining their rewards will come later.
You're right. I made many
You're right. I made many assumptions, because I don't understand. If the family is trying to be fair, I'm not sure why she would have a bargain with one child and not the others that she then feels the need to hide from skids. I don't think that would be a good parenting tactic even with 4 bio kids.
The point I was trying to make is that either they all need the same opportunity to earn rewards which she shouldn't feel the need to hide (because you only get rewards which you earn), or you need to address the fact that you are already being unfair with your reward policy and that this specific conflict is only shedding light on the real problems.
So just to continue my
So just to continue my speculating and assumptions even further... Now that I reread it, I bet the skids are only with them for Christmas break and THAT'S why they aren't included in the regular weekly routines and rewards. That would totally explain why she felt bad not following the routine of rewarding her son. In this case, I would totally get not giving him the iPad in front of the others and the hard situation that put her in.
Both of my kids are and were
Both of my kids are and were in school at the time. They went to school and SD's sat in front of a tv all day. Mine came home from school and did homework then they all went and played in their rooms with toys. My kids had no tv or technology time at all on Wednesday so when Thursday rolled around and DS5 got two blues in a row I figured it wouldn't hurt to let them play on the iPad before bed as a reward.
If DS5 gets a green mark or
If DS5 gets a green mark or higher which in this case he got blues which means he had to really work to get those marks. I think he has to do 3 "good" things in his classroom extra besides just being good. Like helping other students, etc.
We do not have SD's on school days, just my two, so we don't have the same routines on weekend, holiday breaks and summers that we do on school nights.
I guess it depends on what
I guess it depends on what someone considers a 'reward.' For me, if my kid does well, she gets tons of praise and I point out the qualities she showed (trying different strategies, trying again, starting fresh, asking for help, etc etc) so that she knows what she did was of value and understands the personal qualities that she has and can apply when facing a future challenge.
That's it. But it's a reward, for sure.
They are expected to make
They are expected to make good marks and grades without an incentive but this is his first year of school, Pre-K. It's not like I'm going out and buying him a $20 toy every day when he gets a good mark. He can simply choose to watch tv or play on the iPad. If he gets bad marks then he loses those options.
As for SD7, she is fine medically. We limit liquids before bed already along with making sure they potty right before laying down.
Rewards work, punishment
Rewards work, punishment doesn't. If you can, always structure consequences so that they are positive rather than negative. From this article: http://www.simplypsychology.org/operant-conditioning.html
"There are many problems with using punishment, such as:
*Punished behavior is not forgotten, it's suppressed - behavior returns when punishment is no longer present.
* Causes increased aggression - shows that aggression is a way to cope with problems.
* Creates fear that can generalize to undesirable behaviors, e.g., fear of school.
* Does not necessarily guide toward desired behavior - reinforcement tells you what to do, punishment only tells you what not to do."
All of this!! Kids don't need
All of this!! Kids don't need rewards for good behavior/grades. The reward is they hopefully grow up to be functioning members of society lol. Also at 7 it should be up to her to clean up after an accident. My SD is 5 and has the occasional accident... as soon as she does I hear her say OOPS than presumably get changed and come down he stairs to put her soiled clothes in the laundry machine.
Um... is there some reason
Um... is there some reason why your DH feels entitled to comment, criticize and interfere with your parenting decisions? I mean, on a parenting level you may not have made the absolute best choice, but I usually think the parent has the final say, not the partner.
I used to clean it quietly
I used to clean it quietly and not make a big deal out of it but after over a year I got tired of it. She doesn't try to hide the fact that she peed but she isn't forthcoming either. I literally have to go inspect her bed every morning to find out. I also got tired of my furniture smelling like pee because she will gladly sit in wet clothes and ignore the fact that she is soaked in urine.
Perhaps you didn't read but we limit screen time typically. They have rooms full of toys that they play with daily. 30 mins to an hour of screen time every now and then isn't going to kill them, thanks. As for SD's sitting in front of the tv all day they typically do not but apparently DH saw it fit that day.
My SS8 was recently
My SS8 was recently definitely wetting the bed on purpose. He told us that he was too scared to get up at night and use the restroom. He's more or less a miserable, anxious kid who can't handle change and I'm six months pregnant with twins so we figured that life change was causing him to regress. We bought him Good Nites and he started hiding the smelly used ones under the bed which really irritated me bc I couldn't figure out why his room was still reeking despite his sheets being dry. Finally I pulled him aside and said each and every time you wet the bed the first thing you're going to do in the morning is take a bath and if it's a school day that just means you're going to have to lose free time in the morning by bathing. It's been over a week and he hasn't peed the bed once, I finally found a "punishment" that works (but that also isn't obviously a punishment.
Thank you! Some people here
Thank you! Some people here don't think kids purposely pee on themselves.
She's not afraid to get up because she does it some nights and mornings and others doesn't. It's totally random and no real pattern. She'll wet the bed 2 days then be dry for the other 5 days during the summer or be dry for 4 days, wet the next night and dry the next. She obviously has some type of control over herself if she can magically stop it when she thought she was going to get in trouble for it.
We already have a daily routine when they are here. She knows when they get up she is supposed to go take a bath no matter what in the mornings. She isn't forthcoming when she pees and will gladly sit in urine covered clothing without saying one word. It takes the guessing game out of it and I don't have to worry about my furniture anymore.
My SS8 is with us more often
My SS8 is with us more often than just weekends, DH and his ex have 50/50. He was a bedwetter until the age of 6 which was totally understandable but deciding at 8 that he is too scared to walk down the hallway even with night lights was a bit much. It's not like it's baby pee, 8 year old kid pee stinks.
Most kids don't purposely wet
Most kids don't purposely wet the bed, and I think you're being a little unfair to your SD to assume that she is. There doesn't need to be a pattern to it for it to be an accident. Bedwetting is often inconsistent, and there are often underlying causes. For most kids, it's completely out of their control.
Why would she be forthcoming about wetting the bed, when:
A. She's probably embarrassed
B. She's probably afraid of being punished for it
and
C. She probably knows how the adults in the house feel about it. (Kids pick up on a lot more than adults realize)
Now, I get that she's not your child. So you shouldn't have to wash her sheets. Your husband should be doing his part, since it's his kid. But it takes understanding to help a child overcome bedwetting.
When my SD came to live with us, she would wet the bed. Sometimes she'd go months completely dry, and sometimes she'd wet the bed multiple times a week. There was no predicting it. It's easy to get frustrated when it happens. My husband told her to wake him up when she wakes up wet, and he would go and change the sheets (privately, so that she wouldn't have to let anyone else know). We never used pullups--personally I think they're more likely to exacerbate the problem because a child won't feel the need to get up in the middle of the night. Eventually she outgrew it. It took time--and patience. I doubt that she likes waking up wet any more than you or your husband like her waking up wet.
I agree with some of people
I agree with some of people here saying that you shouldn't award your kids for expected behaviour - like getting good grades in school.
As for the peeing in bed, well, it is really hard to tell, if it really was an accident then you shouldn't punish the kid for it. Maybe she is peeing her bed as a protest to something? That still shouldn't be punished in any way, because you will probably raise her with some issues in the future.
And about giving rewards, well if your son earned it, then it should have been only him on the IPad, because that teaches to your daughter that she can have it even when she didn't earn it.