Shitty step dad husband
So I've been married for 5yrs. Together we have 3 very young kids, he has a daughter who's 12 and I have a son who's 14. We have them all full time and their other parents have minimal visitation. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope with my husband. Don't get me wrong, he's a great husband for the most part. He cleans, works extremely hard and helps out a lot more than most men with our young kids. The problem is that he is a very shitty step dad and I feel like we are roommates rather than a couple.
He is hypercritical of my son to the point I believe my son is showing signs of depression. Anytime my son does anything wrong dh loses his mind. He doesn't push his chair in so he will slam it back into place and then aggressively walk past my son glaring at him. He will leave lights on and dh will get up and slam them off saying something like "worthless as tits on a bull". He will be loud getting ready in the morning and dh will say things like "be quiet you're being loud as fuck" my son will have an attitude with me and he will say things like "take your fucking attitude downstairs away from me". He leaves something out and my husband loses his shit. It's like my son has to walk on eggshells because he literally can't do much of anything without my husband saying something. He's been spending time in his room away from us or he will go down to his room when dh gets home and he'all stay there for the rest of the night.
He thinks SD can do no wrong. She will do the exact things that my son does but he doesn't get mad about it. She will leave lights on and he thinks she's just forgetful but my son does it and he's lazy and worthless. She gives him an attitude and he goes out of his way to cheer her up instead of sending her to her room like he does my son. SD is competitive with me in a weird way. My dh is not allowed to show me affection when she's around. She will quickly make sure it is outdone. He must always sit by her and cuddle at all times, whispering so I can't hear. If he sits by me instead she will pout or punish him by going downstairs. If he gives me a hug she will break it up or immediately give him a bigger hug. It's so annoying. When I'm not home she will bring things up trying to start fights between me and my husband. She's nosy as hell. She thinks she has a say in adult matters and tries to listen in on our private conversations. She snoops on his phone, tries to see my texts and the other day she got on MY iPad and snooped on MY facebook. In public she must be all over daddy. We are not a couple in public or gatherings. Yes my son can be annoying but his behavior is typical. He does not see anything wrong with how sd acts. Her behavior is rubbing off on my 4 year old too.
I'm really starting to resent them both and I don't know what to do. My son doesn't deserve to be treated like he is. He never wants to hang out as a family and I don't blame him. Yet I'm expected to sit with my husband while him and sd cuddle each other every night for hours. I'm just over it. I've talked to my husband and even tried treating his daughter how he treats my son. All that did was cause more problems. I'm starting counseling on friday with my son but thought you all might have some advice.
Lady face, we have 3 young
Lady face, we have 3 young kids and no family or babysitter so yes it has occurred to me that couples counseling would be best but it's not possible right now.
I don't think my farts glitter, there is a clear double standard here.
I actually did this when I
I actually did this when I was trying to treat sd how he treats my son. At the time he said he would change his ways and like times before, he only changes for a short while
I was where you are. SO
I was where you are. SO treated my son like shit, and thought his kids were perfect angels. He is a lot better now, but my son wants nothing to do with him, now or ever.
I had to threaten him with ending our relationship because it had gotten so bad.
I asked him "If I treated your kids the way you treat mine, would you still be with me'?
At first he refused to answer. When I finally gave him a notice to quit and he wanted to know why I wanted to end the relationship, I asked the question again. Again he refused to answer. I repeated it a few times. He finally answered with NO.
I asked him "Then what makes you think I should stay with you"?
He finally backed off my son. He doesn't treat my son as bad as he did before, but on occasion he will make a jab to me about my son and I politely remind him where the door is.
It's funny. His kids could do no wrong in his eyes. He treated them great. He believed their lies. Let them do what ever they wanted. He never actually disciplined them. Never made them do chores. If they said no, he left it at that. But BM was still able to PAS them, and they now no longer visit him.
My kids, whom he used to complain about all the time and treat like shit, still visit and remain part of my life.
I'm going to ask my husband
I'm going to ask my husband the same thing. I'm afraid the damage has been done with my son too and I don't see him ever wanting a relationship with my husband.
I'm going to ask my husband
I'm going to ask my husband the same thing. I'm afraid the damage has been done with my son too and I don't see him ever wanting a relationship with my husband.
I just don't get it. If a
I just don't get it. If a man treated my BS Like that, he would have hell to pay. My DH came into our lives when my BS was 12. At awkward 12. BS was the total opposite of my SS's in every way possible. There were times early on when it was tough. Blending a family is tough anyway but add four boys to the mix and it is hell.
DH was not used to my BS who enjoyed adult company and was talkative. I was not used to mute kids who were sneaky and manipulative (SS's)
DH would lose patience with BS and would correct him but never ever ever talked to him like our DH talks to your child. Nor did I talk to my SS's like that.
I have Zero relationship with my OSS and MSS SS's because of how they treated their father and myself. But there have never been nasty harsh words exchanged. I just disengaged. DH and my BS now have an amazing relationship. Because even though DH would get frustrated with BS, he was always civil when correcting him.
Had my DH ever even considered unloading on my BS like that, he would be gone.
It sounds to me like your BS needs to come first. Why would you stay in a marriage where he is being abused, mentally, verbally or physically??
No way. You really need to take a long look at what is going on and get your son out of that situation.
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply. I agree with you but it's not that easy. We have 3 kids together. If we didn't have kids together I would be gone. He has only been this way for the last couple of years. It's gotten progressively worse.
If things don't change though I will be forced to leave. I know my son deserves better. To be honest I'm afraid of my dh too. He has a very bad temper. He hasn't ever hurt me but he breaks things and screams a lot. I know I need to grow a pair and stand up to him more
So the other 3 kids watch
So the other 3 kids watch their dad treat their brother like crap and watch you not do anything to save him from the situation?
Make no mistake, destroying
Make no mistake, destroying property is abuse. It is done to intimidate the other person. "See what I did to your TV? I can do that to you, too."
I know you have three kids but this is not a good environment for them. Would your husband be open to anger management or therapy?
Fruity is right. Your son will lose all respect for YOU if you are not willing to protect him from abuse.
I had a child with my XH AND
I had a child with my XH AND was raising his child from his previous marriage. My SD had NO ONE but me. No one. Her BM was out of the picture and hadn't been around for at least 5 years. She is the reason I stayed in that shitty horribly marriage as long as I did. I had no rights to her and could not take her with me when I left.
However, YOU do have your children. YOU can save them all. So what if you have three kids together. That is three more reasons to get out.
Seriously you are sacrificing your son for the sake of your other children. That is so sad. If you aren't going to get out, at least let him go live with his BF so he doesn't have to endure this treatment. It takes a pretty weak man to pick on a child. I can't stand my SS's but they have NEVER been mistreated by me or my DH.
You are causing him damage every day that you subject him to abuse. EVERYDAY!!!!
You cannot take back the days, weeks and years that YOU allowed this to continue. He only gets ONE childhood and ONE chance at becoming a normal young man and YOU are taking that away from him. NO man, No house, No amount of money would be worth more than my child.
You can take all your children and leave or kick your DH out. I have come to realize that men like that only act like that because they are ALLOWED to act like that.
When I finally stood up to my XH and let him know I would do WHATEVER it took to protect my son and myself, he weaseled away like a wimp.
Have that man REMOVED from your home. Have him taken out by force, get a restraining order and a freaking gun if you have to.
There is NO excuse that makes it OK to allow your child to be abused.
YEP!!!
YEP!!!
Please take NBN's advice.
Please take NBN's advice. Don't make your son suffer one more second in this dysfunctional hell hole. At least get him somewhere safe, like suggested, until you can get the hell out of there yourself. I know from personal experience that even toddlers can pick up on abusive language and gestures. It terrifies them even if it's not directed at them.
If any man woman or thing
If any man woman or thing treat my son in that way - I will not only consider killing them, I actually will and get away with it.
You should go to your quiet corner and think hard about this.... you would rather stay with an abusive man then caring for your child? A child that did not ask to be there..... who's got no where else to go? You will rather stay with an abusive man because you have a child with him but stuff the child you had from another man? YOu are upset because DH treats his kids different then yours, hell woman you treat your 2 kids different from each other, that's worse... you are both kids mother...
I would take my children and leave... and if DH does not change his ways within 6 months I will file for divorce
but I will never ever let my kid go through this