Fed up
I really don't know where to begin, so many issues driving me so crazy that I have trouble sleeping. Hopefully this isn't so rambled that you can't understand. I'm 28, dh is 32, we have one child each from previous relationships, my son is 11, his daughter is 9 (we both have full custody) and together we have a baby who just turned one. We've been married for a little over 3 years. I was a nurse prior to having my baby but now stay home to watch the kids. My dh works 6 days per week, long hours. When we first got together my sd was 5, her mom moved to another state and my dh got custody. The bio mom is back now and she gets eow visits. I can't stand my sd. The best way to describe her is just an ugly person. She has no friends because she enjoys making other people sad and hurt. I used to wonder why other moms never invited her over more than once until a few months ago I asked 2 parents in our neighborhood to be honest with me and they told me the same thing, that she is mean to their kids, bossy and has made them cry so they don't want her around.
She has harmed some of my friendships by being hateful to my friends kids. She's hateful to my son, saying things like his dad doesn't love him and she'll come home from her moms house with new things and prance around trying to make my son jealous. If I'm not watching close enough she is even hateful to my toddler. I caught her the other day putting all of the baby's toys up on the counter so she couldn't get them. I ask her why and she said because she wanted to. She does things like that all he time. My husband looks at her through rose colored glasses and blame all of her behavior on her mom moving away years ago. She's been going to counseling regularly since she was 5, we've tried 3 different counselors because in more or less words they have all said that sd is just a brat and doesn't seem to have underlying issues to her behavior. My dh keeps insisting that they don't know anything and it's all due to her mom leaving.
She's been in trouble at school for having a bad attitude with teachers and not getting along with her peers. She had to switch classes this year because she was being so mean to people in her class. I also believe her teacher was sick of being around her- I don't blame her one bit. She acts like she "needs help" with everything and it is extremely annoying.
Lately my dh and I have been fighting because when I ask my son to do something, he argues or asks why. For example, I ask him to take a shower and he goes "ughhhh can I do it in 5 minutes" or things to that effect. I ignore it and he does what I asked. Yes it's annoying and we're working on it but my husband gets way over the top angry about it. He says he's worried that he will not be able to keep a job later in life because he'll argue with bosses and end up living with us forever. My son has never had a problem at school with listening to teacher. He's never had a problem getting along with people. It just makes me so mad that my dh blows this way out of proportion when clearly his daughters issues are a lot worse. My son has been through just as much if not more than my sd has in her life and I don't use that an excuse for him to get away with anything.
It's just clear that my dh doesn't like my son and is overly critical of him. Both kids leave toys out, if dh finds my sons toys he will cuss and throw them upstairs. He walks his daughters upstairs and puts them in her room. Last night my son was playing an online game in his room with his dad and I asked him to come downstairs real quick, my husband went upstairs and yelled that he had left his light on. My son went up to shut it off and I hear my dh say "don't worry I shut everything off for you" he ripped the plug out of the wall on his computer, ruining the game that he knew he was playing with his dad. I'm not the type of person who would be blind to my kid being annoying or having problems. I truly do believe he's a good kid. Last week my neighbor/friend told me that she notices that my dh is a lot harder on my son than he is on his daughter, so I know I'm not imagining things here.
I already can't stand my sd because of the way she hurts my kid's feelings and is always around complaining and whining but my dh treating her like a princess victim makes me hate her that much more. I pray at night that her mom will get more visitation because I am very unhappy.
GET OUT NOW for your sake and
GET OUT NOW for your sake and most importantly your SON'S. Find a nice man with no children--they're out there!!
this situation will never
this situation will never improve until your husband gets firmer with his child and backs off on yours.give him that ultimatum and if he doesnt change then do yourself and your son a favour and get out of it i know it is easy for us to say that but you are clearly very unhappy and you and your son deserve to be treated like you matter
this. He needs to get over
this. He needs to get over his daughter. plain and simple. He is worried about your son being there forever bc he cant get a job? What does he think will happen to his daughter who cant even stay in a classroom for a school year? What about some family counseling?
could SD be taking after DH
Just a suggestion but maybe your SD sees your husband act in a shamefully abusive manner(ripping cords out of walls etc.) and because she wants to feel empowered does the same things to other people. At 11 she might not realize this is wrong( especially if she watches v with shows that idolize bad behavior also-)
The problem however seems to be DH. (I say seems to be because neither of you seem to like eachothers kids....!). DH is being abusive and needs to be sat down to a serious talk which you need to ready yourself mentally/emotionally for. Depending on how serious his anger issues are you might also want to have a friend with you/ police on speed dial.
If the behavior continues then you should go your separate ways. Also he seems to be ok disciplining your son. Can you discipline SD? Does DH allow that? If not it is also something to think about.
I have this problem also.
I have this problem also. Like you, my kids are just normal kids, liked by teachers, neighbors, friends, and invited places a lot, while stepson is the one nobody likes, even his teacher. Of course my kids are not perfect. They leave things lying about many days, and I feel I always have to tell them to put them away. I know this is annoying and I try to tell them these things myself so that my husband does not have to see the things they leave out because he is like your husband. He becomes very angry about small things. My son leave his football goal on the street, my husband takes it away and makes my son pay him to get it back (this is ok if he did the same to his son, but he does not). My daughter left a hair elastic on the coffee table and he took away her computer for one month (this is excessive and she needed it for school). His son cluttered our game room with giant jenga pieces and left them for a week, he said "this is not a big deal". His son made a tower of Amazon boxes that should go with the recycling, and it blocks the TV, my husband says, "He is so creative!" That tower of rubbish has been there for one month.
I cannot tolerate these things, and I am working on getting him and his son out of my house. It is a difficult legal process, but this cannot continue longer than it has to. I told one friend at work what my husband treat me and my kids like, and he told me the best advice. He said, "Your life can be so much better than it is now. Yes, even now you have good things about your life. You are good at your job. Your kids are wonderful. You have your health. Yet, you have a shadow over you, and no one has to live like that. When he is gone, you will see the sun again and you will understand how you have missed it all this time." I know he is right. I think his advice is true for all situations like ours.
Also, my husband says these
Also, my husband says these things about my kids. He says they will end up bank robbers and murderers. There is no basis for this. They have good grades and have never had discipline problems. They have no psychological problems or conditions. There is no reason for him to say this.
I think he says those things about my kids because he thinks his son will end up that way. His son is violent and not smart. I made a comment years ago on the phone to my mother, saying, "This child is going to go to prison one day and when he does, the world will be better than it was with him out." I did not know my husband heard me say that, but he did. It was soon after that he began saying my kids will grow up to be criminals every time they leave a dirty shirt on the floor (which I agree is annoying and I make them pick it up, but it is not correlated with crime).
I think the biggest question
I think the biggest question is are you and dh willing to work on this or is dh completely in denial that there is a problem?
If he agrees to therapy you guys can find a parenting technique that should be impletend on all the children. Plan ahead. If x happens, xyz will be the consequence.
Its okay to not love your SK but if you can at least be on the same page as far as discipline, maybe that will help. I also think its abusive to say kids will be criminals. Kids believe what parents tell them. These words will never be erased from their minds.
Therapy or divorce. The longer you prolong this the worse it will be for the kids.