Is it me , or is something very very wrong here ?
I have a 15 year old SD , I have known her for almost a year now , been married to her dad for 14 years , we have 2 children 13 and 4 together , she came totally out of left feild for us , he was around till she was about a year old then the mom said , she's not your daughter , they broke up and never heard a peep from them since , until January of this year she sends a facebook msg to our daughter saying " hi , I think I am your sister , my dad is your dad " ,,,, 3 possible fathers and a DNA test ( that my hubby took reluctantly ) made him the father of this girl ... she is trouble , failing school , house arrest , probation , drugs , boys ,, the list goes on and on ... a worthless mother ,,, blah blah ,,, ( just wanted to give a little history ..)
One of my issues among thousands is this ,, and I just want to know if its me or what ,,, the girl talks to him on the phone from the first day ( pre-DNA test) and starts calling him Daddy and telling him she loves him ,,, he is doing the same ,, problem #1 , the next thing is the real bugger of it all is that the first time she comes up she is 14 keep in mind , she sits on the couch without so much as a hi to me or our daughters and starts sucking her thumb and rubbing her nose at the same time ,, ( oh hell no , I'm not done ,, ) so , I introduce myself seeing as how no one else will and I go get changed out of my work clothes and come out and she's now pulled out this ratty old baby blanket , claiming her daddy gave it to her when she was a baby and she's always kept it with her ( let me tell you , I knew her and her mom and my hubby back then , we all hung out with the same people, I went to the kids baby shower ,,,he did not give her the blanket , the grandma did ,, so strike one for the BM who lied about that ,, ) so now we've got a thumb sucking , nose rubbing , blanky hugging 14 year old , who has changed into nearly nothing as far as clothes go except her 2 bra's she wears to make her boobs stick out ,,, a tiny tank and short shorts ( in mid january ,, ) my husband sits down on the couch with her and she climbs in his lap and says " cuddle me daddy ,," and he does it ! he puts his arm around her pets her head ,,, I almost threw up , I really did ,,, Our 13 year old couldnt beleive her eyes , she was just as sickened as I was ,,, and when I brought up how innapropriate it was ( in a very , very nice way infront of her ..not so nice when she went home ,, ) she looks at me with this evil look while still being held by "daddy" and says , " he has 14 years of cuddling to make up for.." ! my daughter was like ,,, WTF ,, dad's dont cuddle 14 year old's and 14 year olds shouldnt be asking ,,, no matter how many years they were apart ! I got soo upset , I literally popped a blood vessel in my eye ! After she left we ( my hubby and I ) had it out , a blow up soo big I bet people could hear us a good 10 miles away ! I think its sick that she is behaving like that to a man who is virtually a stranger to her ,and for my husband to participate makes me sick , and he thinks I'm sick for even suggesting that it is wrong for a 14 year old to want to be loved and held by her long lost dad ,,, is it me or is it wrong for both of them to behave like this ? this is still happening to this day , sometimes I feel like she waits till I'm looking or in the room and she'll hold her hand out while sucking her thumb, blanky in hand and say " daddy ,,, daaaddddyyyy , come cuddle me ,,,, " and he will , or she'll just go throw herself around him wherever he is , whenever she feels like it , always half naked ,, I dont even say anything anymore , I just walk away because he's made me feel so wrong for suggesting its creepy that they cuddle ,,,
I spoke breifly with the Bio-mom and she just says ,,, " she is a very affectionate girl ,, what is wrong with you ? didnt you ever have a blanky or suck your thumb ??" to wich my reply was Hell F-ing NO and especially not at 14 !!!!
PLESASE someone tell me its not just me ! any suggestions on how to make them both see the light would be helpfull !! Please dont suggest calling child protective services or the cops ,, I'm not so creeped out that I would do that ,,, just creeped out because of her age and her baby like behavior with adult like clothing and the unwillingness of my husband to put a stop to it ! could she have some sort of undiagnosed disorder ?
Sounds like trouble for sure.
Sounds like trouble for sure. That is the sad thing that can happen to girls that grow up without a dad. Not if the mom has it together, but I read it all the time, baby girl looking for daddy...
Why did her dad leave her at age one? Just because mom said she wasn't his? Would that not have been the time to ask for a paternity test? If he was with her for a year, was there not a bond that would have made it difficult for him to abandon her just because mom said something like that? If that is how it went, there lies the main problem. None of this would have happened quite like this if he'd done the right thing back then.
Now you guys are left helping to clean up a mess that is partly the result of what happened when she was one.
As far as the girl, no doubt she sounds like a real problem "child" and will cause all kinds of trouble for you guys. Now dad needs to pick up the ball he dropped back then and do the best he can to do right by all of you. That means no creepy cuddling, no putting up with her inappropriate behavior, going to counseling, setting clear boundaries etc.
The answer to your question....No, it's not you; there is something very wrong here, but it did start 14 years ago.
My hubby did leave her at age
My hubby did leave her at age 1 , and the bio-mom had a new man less than a week later , who stayed with them and steped in an claimed to be her dad up until she was 8 or 9 and she overheard family saying " who is her REAL dad anyways ,,, " to her mom , so she started asking questions , at age 10 they told her this guy she's been calling dad wasnt really her dad , and the trouble with her started from there ,, she started activly looking for her real dad based on the 3 men her mom told her the names of , 2 of them , one being my husband and his brother who she slept with in the same night and the other guy the next night were all possibility's , my husband was never really sure if he was the kids dad or not but tried to start a life with this woman and her daughter anyways , he cheated , she cheated they argued 24/7 , and ended by her saying he was for sure not the dad and was living with her new man a week later and never ever , not once did she try to contact any of the possible fathers ,, they were both very young and stupid and he never bonded with the child contrary to what the mom and daughter say now ..
she is already in counciling , it has not helped obviously !
I thank you for your support and advice , I'm willing to listen and try anything to save my family at this point ,,
Oh wow. She needed her
Oh wow. She needed her "daddy" when she was a little girl. Makes me VERY angry with BM. She caused this. She took that little girl from her dad, and now she is clearly troubled and looking for the attention. She is certainly old enough to know how inapproprite it is, especially if she is mature enough to have already gotten in trouble with boys. Sounds like she is playing some sick game. Has anyone suggested getting this girl in to some therapy?? STAT!!!!
No it is not just you. I am
No it is not just you. I am appalled FOR you!!! This is not acceptable behavior...at ALL! This girl, and probably your DH too, need counseling...fast. I don't know if I could deal with that situation. And your poor kids probably don't know what to think either. Jeez.
Yes, this is incredibly
Yes, this is incredibly inappropriate. I dont know what her history is of if she has been sexually abused or if she has never had a father involved in her life and has no clue how to relate to one and have a father/daughter relationship. It is up to your dh to show her an appropriate relationship-she also appears to have some attachment issues-in terms of she is certainly overly close with your dh without actually forming a relationship as of yet. To me physical affection at this point should be limited to a hug, a pat on the back, etc-the focus needs to be on getting to know one another (by talking)and spending time together-not cuddling.
Your dh may also want to consider that she is ripe to become a victim of rape. Is this how she relates to all men? Is this what she thinks is appropriate behavior? IMO this is not appropriate behavior for any 14 year old girl. My dd is 14 and loves her dad but she does not do this sort of thing with him (she also does not suck her thumb nor have a blankie)
I do think some counseling would be in order to help her "adjust" to being part of a new family-actually to help you all adjust and that way your dh can hear the therapist's opinion on what appropriate boundaries are. Maybe he will listen to a professional.
Oh my ... this sounds like a
Oh my ... this sounds like a nightmare come to life! I get the sense that the girl is either a porn star in the making and / or has been severely stunted emotionally. Counseling seem like a necessary next step. Perhaps a good counsel can help set appropriate boundaries and expectations.
OMH! She is too old for this
OMH! She is too old for this no matter if her daddy wasn't there.
EEEWW... This gross' me out. And yet I know what you are saying when you say that you think she does this when you are looking.
Weird... I have my bf sd10 who does this when she see's him give me attention or when she wants to get her way. ((((barf))) the thing that freaks me out with this is she isn't my bf kid. It's his sd. (are you freaked out?) This child has already started wearing padded bra's, hoochie underwear and shorts and has had bf's as well. AT 10!
Hang on I need to puke...
My sd10 is growing up to be white trash whore like her mama. (sorry if that offends anyone) I have a daughter she is 23 and she was never raised that way and her dad wasn't around. My daughter is in Medical school and would never be allowed to act like this. HELL NO! My daughter knows that she is gorgeous but she also knows smarts get you farther. And for a girl to be taught/allowed to act like a baby or a hooch is so freaking wrong of this mother.
Ok, sorry that was me venting.
And can I just say you screaming at your dh. I would have done worse.
Leeselooo, definately not
Leeselooo, definately not you, this is totally inappropriate. Look, I don't want to scare you here, but the girl has problems, that is clear, and your husband is probably feeling guilty and all that, but perhaps you could get someone else to talk to him even the family doctor his parents siblings friends neighbours, anyone at all if he won't listen to you (and usually they won't), but as I said without trying to scare you, has your husband ever considered the dangerous position he has put himself in. You said you did not want people to suggest the police or child services, but has it ever occurred to you that this little piece of work just might do that herself. She already has a case against him, and if she decides to make a complaint one day just because he doesn't jump when she wants him too your whole family is in deep trouble. I had a neighbour once who's 14 year old made a complaint against her father child services went to the school and removed all 4 children. Mum was called and told that if she had intentions of going home to her husband that night child services would put all 4 children into care. Your husband may think she is just missing daddy and wants her 14 years of cuddling, but really, the girl has mental health issues here and I suggest you get some help for her fast before she destroys your entire family.
I am so sorry if I have frightened you by this, but as a stranger looking in from the outside and knowing a family who had their lives ripped apart by a false complaint, I hate to think where you could all finish up because this young woman could very easily make a complaint, and let's be honest, she actually has reason to, her father IS being inappropriate with her.
you need to act fast if for no other reason than to protect your bio children from what could happen to them should someone make a complaint to child services. The complaint by the way could come from anywhere, it is possible your own children have mentioned something to one of their friends even if it was just an off the cuff my ss is an idiot this is what she does kind of remark, they in turn could pass it on and so forth all it would take is for a teacher or another parent to overhear it and in goes the complaint. you are in a very dangerous situation here, and if your husband refuses to change this, YOU HAVE TO RIGHT NOW. Your marriage, your childrens security your home and your sd are all at risk here. Please get some help immediately., this girls behaviour is NOT the behaviour of a normal 14 year old, she also needs help and her father certainly is not helping her, in fact, he is making it all worse, he is encouraging this behaviour and putting you all at risk, he could finish up in jail. Please get help.
to answer you , yes , it has
:O to answer you , yes , it has occured to me that she could try that kind of thing with him and what is worse is I yelled , cried , pleaded with my husband to understand that the very thing you suggested could very well happen to him , and his response was simply , " if someone has a problem with me showing my daughter affection I'll knock their teeth down their throat , it doesnt matter what she wears , or how she asks ,she is MY DAUGHTER, if she wants some of my attention , attention and love I've given our daughters for the last 13 years ,,, ( LIE !!!) than I'm going to give it to her , and your a pig ( pointing at me) for thinking anything more of it !! " I have thought long and hard on this subject , brought it up a million diffrent ways ,,, his brother has even told him ,, " you dont know this kid , you dont know what her and her "suddenly single " mom are up to ,, they could be setting you up and your not even gonna see it coming ,, did he listen ?? NO ..
Like I said though , it seems only to happen now if I am in the area of them , like , they watched a movie the other night and I was in the adjacent room on the computer , they didnt talk at all , there was a good 3 feet between them , then I come in to watch the last part of the movie and as soon as I sit down , she's got her legs over his , sucking her thumb , looking all innoncent , like she'd been doing it the whole time ,,, too bad the window at the computer reflects the whole living room , they wernt touching before I came in ! I just wish at that moment my husband would have thown her legs off him and pulled her thumb out of her mouth and told her to sit up like a big girl ,, BUT he didnt and there lies the problem...
Leeselooo, I am sincerely
Leeselooo, I am sincerely sorry that you and your bio kids have found yourselves in this position through no fault of your own. If he is not going to listen to you or his brother, and to call you a pig good Lord that's bizarre, and defence, what is he defending himself against. It would appear this little piece of work is deliberatly provoking you from what you say here. A (politially incorrect) good smack in the chops would be in order (I know not acceptable), but sometimes I do think in the good old days when mum or dad could smack and I did say smack not beat up on a child, kids were better behaved. Madam appears to have had no disipline at all let alone a smack from anyone.I A NOT ADVOCATING SMACKING HERE OR BEATING KIDS UP, just letting some frustration for your situation out.
If your husband is aware that she is only doing this in front of you, and does nothing to stop her, then he is a bigger problem for you than she is (sorry). She is not acting like his daughter, she appeas to be acting like your competition.
I as I said am very sorry you are going through this, but you are not wrong here, you are right to be concerned. I guess all I can say now is, take care of yourself and your children, as he is taking care of himself and his other daughter. Good Luck.
WOW. Sounds to me like this
WOW. Sounds to me like this little freak needs to go & crawl back under her bridge. Now you & your kids have to have your life & home disrupted, because freak BM & her little mini-me decide they want your man in their life now?!?! :sick:
I dont want to talk out of
I dont want to talk out of turn or even am suggesting this is happening here, but weirdly I was watching TV this morning and a stepmother was saying she had experienced similar problems to you, LL.
She mentioned her OH became more secretive, withdrawn, wouldnt allow her near his mobile phone...her sd was very affectionate with her OH, was like his shadow.
Her own sd14, had had no contact with her dad until she was 14 and the SM found out that her partner (who she had been with for 15 years and had 2 kids with) were having an incestous affair :sick:
Creepy co-incidence in what you both are saying...
Now tbh if my DH acted like this I would be seriously disturbed - by them both. Not only is it highly inappropriate for a number of reasons, including her age, the fact none of you know her and that type of close "bonding" was soooo wrong given at the time you didnt know the DNA results or have the opportunity to get to know one another, but also because as another poster mentioned your DH shouldnt be endorsing her over affection as she could potentially be thinking that type of behaviour with males in general is acceptable. Which could put her in danger, as well as cause a few eyebrows to be raised in terms of incest issues, accusations against him!
I would think love, hugs and affection is perfectly fine - but not like she is an emotionally stunted toddler, not half naked and not being overly familiar :jawdrop:
The whole thing creeps me
The whole thing creeps me out. From what you have said, sd seems to me desperate for attention from the opposite sex. And the way she goes about it she is going about it unappropriatly. And if she acts this way with "daddy" (puke) i can only imagine how she acts with boys! Trouble just waiting to happen. I am also concerned because this is NOT NORMAL behavior for that age. Case in point you have a 15 year old who doesnt act like this. I am not saying sexual abuse, but i am saying that sd has witnessed/experienced something that keeps her acting in ways that is "un age like" The last part that concerns me and makes me throw up a little is the fact that this girl is still technically a "stranger" to your dh. Yes i get that they share the same dna, but that means squat right now. There has not been enough time to bond, to get to know each other, etc.. so essentially he is allowing a strange girl hang on him like that. NOT cool.
And shame on him for saying what he did to you when you confronted him.
All i can suggest is counseling. Not just for you and dh and even sd, but im also thinking about your bk. Gawd, your dd15 must be sickened by this display. And i wouldnt doubt in time if it changes her outlook of her dad. I mean, really this sd is the same age as dd, a stranger, a peer. Ewww! Seek counseling. Even if you have to go by yourself until hubby gets on board.
I think I just vomited in my
I think I just vomited in my mouth.
If he continues to let her sit in his lab, tell him to get a room somewhere. No really. Go get a room and visit your daughter elsewhere. You are sickening our family. I can't imagine what your bio daughter must be feeling watching her father act like this with another girl.
I have to say it again. this
I have to say it again. this really grosses me out so bad for you. maybe you could look up some info online and give it to him to read about appropriate behaviors towards teen daughters. Ask him if he'd act like that with her around his guy friends. or let her suck her thumb in front of them.
Yep, very, very wrong on way
Yep, very, very wrong on way too many levels.
Wrong for the 15yo. Wrong for your own kids and wrong for a grown man to be having any 15yo girl sitting on his lap in provocative clothing, for any reason, at all, what-so-ever.
I would suggest that you take some pics of this when it occurs. Don't show them to DH right away.
You can find similar pics on the internet with people who are not your DH and SD. Ask him if he sees anything wrong with those pics. He will, am sure.
Then show your DH the pics you took of him and SD and ask him if he sees anything wrong with the immages.
That may make a point.
Regardless of the sad story of your SD's childhood and being born to a skank who had no idea who the father was this is inappropriate behavior for her and your DH is enabling her behavior to the detriment of himself, his wife and his younger three legitimate children.
IMHO of course.
I was going to also comment
I was going to also comment about taking a picture and then showing your husband later. Or, take a picture and when he asks what you are doing, tell him you're just so moved by the love they have for each other that you want to post it on Facebook because it's just so sweet. If he has a problem with that, ask him why.
Extra creepy...could be a
Extra creepy...could be a set-up or a very misguided skid. At the least get to counseling.
I nearly vomited reading
I nearly vomited reading this. They both need counseling ASAP.
This girl sounds like she is
This girl sounds like she is really messed up who has touched her inapropriately in her childhood that she feels she has to seduce her own dad to get him to love her. Poor kid. Dad probably feels so much guilt and so torn between you two. you poor thing what a mess. All I know is if you are going crazy and hfeeling powerless then get counselling for yourself first.
Your husband is the main
Your husband is the main issue. Don't get me wrong, SD's behavior is wildly inappropriate, but your husband is allowing, basically encouraging it.
How does your husband express his love towards your other children? Does he try to bond with SD in any other ways (showing her how to change a tire, sharing his hobbies and interests with her, helping her with school work, etc) or is it strictly physical? I'm not trying to make assumptions or scare you but if the only thing he's doing to "bond" with this girl is letting her bounce around on his lap...ugh. It will get really ugly really quickly.
This sounds like the plot of
This sounds like the plot of a Lifetime movie. I hope it's a troll because i can't imagine a woman having to deal with this. If real, yes, there are absolutely other ways for him to bond with her besides sitting on his lap barely clothed with a blankie sucking her thumb at 15. Jesus. He is the parent and needs to set the tone for their relationship. If real, this girl is disturbed and she should not be the one calling the shots.
Nanny cams without your hubby
Nanny cams without your hubby knowing. Show him the recordings and if he still doesn't believe its wrong, then I might consider asking him to leave. Its not fair that he's doing this in front of his other children. What must be going thru their minds! Dad's has obviously lost his.
Just because he is her
Just because he is her biological father, she has not had contact with him since she was 1. She was raised by another man. Even, if you weren't sure if this behavior was normal for a daughter raised by him. It is definitely not normal in anyway for a 14 year old who may share the same genes but is a complete stranger to him. Would you let the 14 year old neighbor girl do that, and question him would he?
Just realized how old this
Just realized how old this post is. This kid is like 23 now and I wonder how all of this turned out.