What would you do?
I'm new to this so still don't know all of the abbreviations so I apologize in advance. Anyways...a little background...my husband and I have two children together, BS8 and BD5. Husband has a son from previous marriage who is 9. This child has done NOTHING but cause problems for our family. SS's mom is absolutely no help at all. We have not seen SS for 2 months. He states that he doesn't want to come to visit because he doesn't like us and we're mean. No, we are not mean, but he has rules at our house just like the other children do. He has no rules at his mothers. He is allowed to sit and play video games and do what he pleases. For instance, he has been playing Call of Duty online since he was about 6 years old. No child that age should be playing that. He just doesn't want to come because we won't let any of the kids sit and play video games all day long. There is a time limit on the games/electronics at our house. Anyways...going on 2 months now that we have not seen him. We have been calling every Wednesday to see if he wants to come for the weekend or even just to meet us for dinner. His response is always no....but he always adds in a lie. Last week SS said he wanted to go to dinner with us. About 15 mins after we hung up the phone with SS his BM text me, not my husband, and stated SS said he doesn't want to go to dinner he just said yes because his dad kept asking him and he was tired of him asking. LIE...my husband asked one time and he immediately said yes. The lies are a common thing now. I don't know what to do. I can't stand my SS ONLY because he has caused so much pain for my husband and children. I'm just done with it. How can a 9 year old child have so much control over adults? Now, with Christmas coming up we are at a loss. Do we get him presents? Do we wait until he actually comes to visit? I hate getting him gifts for anything because he is NEVER thankful and will actually tell my husband and I that he doesn't like the gifts we get him, even though it is always what he asked for. I have a feeling he will come visit one weekend this month only to get his Christmas presents and then not come back again until his birthday. What would you do?
We tried going to pick him up
We tried going to pick him up but he literally throws himself on the ground kicking and screaming. That was the first time he decided not to come that my husband told him he could stay home this weekend but that was it. Since then SS's BM said she will not meet us because she will not put him in the car kicking and screaming, but we could come pick him up. We tried he wouldn't come outside so we just wasted our time and gas for BM to say we weren't allowed in her house, but if SS went outside we could take him. Cops would do nothing. Have to file a family access motion. Is it worth all the money we're going to spend. BM has hotlined us 5 times in last year. Everything was a lie and unfounded, but I'm done with DFS showing up at my house and interrupting my kids' life. But, yes, I agree, I have been telling them both that there is no reason he should have the control in the situation.
Thank you both! I have her
Thank you both! I have her blocked on all social media accounts and I guess now I need to block her number from my phone as well. I have texts that I've saved asking her to please stop going through me and to contact my husband. I even got out their parenting plan and took and picture for her! ha She didn't stop still. I don't want to get him anything, because I also feel like it's bribing him to come and I refuse to do that!
Thank you! I don't want him
Thank you! I don't want him there at all! The shit he's done and said to my children is insane! And I did tell my husband that the first thing he needed to do was get a DNA test because I could no longer stand behind him in this situation if he wasn't even sure. All the bs and heartache caused by my SS and he may not even be my husbands?! Makes me angry to say the least!
You have no clue who I am or
You have no clue who I am or what the case is. Not that I owe you shit, but his son was 3 when we got together. Yea...let your little mind ponder that one.
He adopted my son when he was
He adopted my son when he was 2 but thanks. Probably shouldn't assume shit.
Thank you for letting me
Thank you for letting me know.
I agree. Further, the problem
I agree. Further, the problem is between your DH and his ex; it's a pure power trip, being played out via this bratty kid. Your DH needs to figure out his role in this and then cut it the f@ck out. As to the kid maybe not being your DH's, yeah, by all means insist on a DNA test. But frankly this is what many men say about kids whose mothers they're tired of.
You're right. As far as the
You're right. As far as the Dna test I figured it was just because of what was going on but she actually told him she cheated on him their entire marriage now if she was being truthful or spiteful who knows.
Your H needs to follow the
Your H needs to follow the police advice and file a family access motion. Otherwise nothing will change.
H needs to talk to his lawyer about the motion and forcing counseling for his child. BM has tried to use DFS to her advantage, but H needs to talk to his lawyer about using their reports to his advantage.
(Motion can be filed without a lawyer. Court clerk can help with the form. However, it may not be wise to do this without a lawyer the first time.)
Even though trying to pick up may be futile, not trying will go against the dad in court. Even though the police won't force the child into the car, calling them every time is a good idea. It is a record that you tried and BM refused. Good to have for court.
You, do not reply to BM. All contact needs to go through the actual parent. If he goes to court he can try to get something like our Family Wizard put into place. It makes everyone accountable for their words.
Your H is the child's legal parent. He is nine. A DNA test will not change that. Even if the test came back that he is not the biological father, he is still the legal father. He is legally obligated to pay child support until whatever date it stops where you live.
Thank you for your advice. I
Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.
I like that idea! Then this
I like that idea! Then this way we can't be to blame. Thank you!
((HUGS)) Gosh you sound like
((HUGS)) Gosh you sound like me many many MANY years ago. I am so sorry and I do understand.
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In as much as initially you thought it may be beneficial for the child that BM have access to your private cell phone, you have now come to realize BM is able to communicate with the child's dad at reasonable intervals.
(if your asked WHY did you block her and only an attorney would ask OR you can change a little if you want) Chances are you will never be asked since your not a party to the agreement.
REMEMBER --you are not party to the proceedings therefore you have no input OR responsibility. You owe BM nothing.
Block her. Also keep your email private too. DH 'could' set up my family wizard as an option for communication.
Next--A big red flag is BM failure to correct and also soothe and reassure the child to go with Dad. AND her failure to (in front of you and dh) correct poor behavior the child does at your house. * I would be sure to correct my kids IF they did this to their dad and his wife, YOU better believe it*
Thru education you will quickly realize that kids do NOT scream, have tantrums, outbursts unless they are taught and rewarded. This is also the same for kids in Foster care. Matter of fact (I also have seen this first hand) kids in Foster Care 'want' to be with their parents---no matter what their parent has done. It is part of 'us' to hang on and gravitate to our parents. IT Is deep inside us as humans.
Kids may be sad and cry a little when saying bye bye especially little ones but usually they quickly recover.
If I may suggest to look up Dr Craig Childress "Parental Alienation". He is all over the web AND YOUTUBE. You can find his facebook page too.
Read, read and read some more. Take the time to watch his series on youtube. sTART with #1. I think he has about 20---10minute short videos, so it may take a few nights to review.
**please know I don't know if your dh 's x is active in Pathogenic Parenting. But it is worth your time to see if anything sounds familiar **.
Your marriage and YOUR bio children must be your focus. YES it is ok to block any person you want from your phone. It's your phone, your email, your house.
Wow....thank you so much for
Wow....thank you so much for this advice. This is the exact reason I finally decided to make a post. I really appreciate this. I am getting ready to watch some videos!
BLock BM from texting or
BLock BM from texting or calling you - she needs to take this up with DH....
DH needs to enforce his CO, but seriously if my skid refused to come for a visit, I will not be doing anything to help SO getting the skid, I will simply smile and try and keep calm and not jump up and down from joy
My mind boggles at why any
My mind boggles at why any adult would ask an 8yo if they want to vist. Kids don't get a say, an opinion, or asked. They get told. Then they get their asses in the car when they are told to get in the car and they visit.
Kids do not get to violate a Custody/Visitation/Support order any more than an adult does.
I agree 100% that he
I agree 100% that he shouldn't get asked if he wants to come. The issue is my husband can't force himself in his ex's house to get his son and she refuses to put him in the car kicking and screaming. My husband figured if he gave him the weekend off(when this first started)that he would want to come the next time, but still nothing since Sept.