I've been raising my SS10 for 5.5 years and it's been hell to say the least. Most of it is because his dad, my husband, refuses to parent his kid.

My SS10 lies literally all the time to get out of homework, to get his way instead of earning things or privileges, and to get out of chores. He's extremely lazy and has been allowed to be since he was very little. My MIL would wait on him hand and foot and still does when he's at her place. He cuts corners on his chores and says "I forgot" every damn time I point something out.

When I have brought these issues up with my DH, he gets defensive and makes excuses for his son. When SS10 lies, it's a miscommunication on my part or I'm lying. There are no consequences for lying or laziness. I'm so sick of it. Recently, my DH tried telling me that laziness is just 'one of his personality traits.' When I told him laziness is a learnt behavior, not a personality trait, he came up with more excuses. My SS has told me I'm not allowed to help with homework per his dad because I do it wrong - although the corrections I tell him to make, his teacher agrees with me. My SS has told me his dad told him to just make things look clean so 'mom' won't complain. I have told my DH what my SS says and he tells me he didn't say these things to SS, yet he doesn't call SS out on it. So, I doubt my DH is having my back more often than not.

At this point, I only care because we have a son together (a toddler) and I'm pregnant with our daughter. I do not want my kids thinking these behaviors are ok and are allowed. My DH is firmer with our 2.5 year old than he is with his 10 year old. We are starting therapy soon because my DH is concerned that I've started disengaging. He doesn't want to do the parenting alone, but he hasn't supported me either. I have been specific in the ways I need to him to support me and he has yet to do these things. He throws me under the bus consistently in front of his kid. My SS10 doesn't respect me, but insists on calling me mom. I hate that he calls me 'mom' and want him to stop, but our last therapist said it would be psychologically damaging to SS since that's how he sees me.

Disengaging is easier said than done and I'm stuck on how to just not care how SS10 turns out. My DH has sole physical custody because the BM is unfit and two of her three kids were removed from her for abuse. I've been raising my SS this whole time. I do not deal with the BM at all to her disappointment. When I did deal with her, it blew up in my face.

I have 7+ more years with this kid and his bullshit unless I choose to leave with my kids - which has been on my mind a lot this past year. My DH and I have a great relationship except when it comes to his kid. Whenever we fight, it's about SS. I have been told I'm abusive for making my SS do chores and for giving consequences to his bad behaviors when I'm stuck with him most of the time. My SS chores are cleaning his own room, bathroom, doing his own laundry, showering regularly, other hygiene issues (he literally will not trim his nails, clean his ears, or brush his teeth, which he has braces, unless you tell him to do so), and he takes turns loading/unloading the dishwasher. His life really isn't hard.

The list of expectations for me as 'mom' is so long, I don't know where it ends. I'm always expected to change, compromise, and give in to SS. I don't give in and we have had numerous fights this year because of it. I'm tired of "he's a growing boy" bullshit. My DH has NO expectations of the BM, of himself, or his kid. As much as I don't want to break up my family, I feel like I might be forced to if therapy doesn't open DH's eyes.

My question is for those who disengaged, how do you get to the point that you don't care how the asshole stepkid turns out and be at peace with it?