I feel like I'm losing all patience
So, I'm going to try to make this story as simple as possible...My SO and I got custody of SD in June after he has had no contact with her (not by his choosing) for 7 years. She is 9 now and has had what we thought was a terrible upbringing. The BM essentially kidnapped daughter when she was 9 months old and avoided SO for years after multiple attempts to contact her. He had finally given up on ever seeing her again when SURPRISE, we got custody because BM is on drugs and homeless. SD has been living with grandparents (who didn't volunteer to call dad about what was going on) for approximately 2 years spoiling her and giving her no discipline or boundaries. So here's the problem now...
SO and I have a "yours, mine and ours" situation. I have a BS with my ex, SO and I have a BD together, and we just got my SD permanently...not a month later we found out that we are expecting another baby in March. We are excited, but I'm having a hard time due to the fact that SD is a spoiled rotten, manipulative sociopath. I am losing my mind. SO and I have never had any issues with the other 2. They are well behaved, independent and very loving/trusting children. BD is 3 and BS is 6. SD has come into our home (we were very excited to take her in, never a hesitation) and decided that she is going to take over. The first couple of weeks it was a constant battle to keep her from injuring our 3yo who is half her size and very petite. She even went as far as to shove her as hard as she could off the bed. Unfortunately, the girls are having to share a room right now. I hate that because I don't trust SD not to hurt my baby girl. Now the issue is SD is a bully to both children. Instead of taking responsibility for her actions, she always blames the others. She manipulates them into doing her bidding and potentially getting in trouble for it. She lies and steals and I'm pretty sure she thinks my BS is her boyfriend. We have had to get onto her 3 times for inappropriate behavior with him (things he knows nothing about) and if there is a 4th, I fear my restraint may dissipate. SO and I are both starting to regret the decision to take her in which is horrible because he knows she is his responsibility. He has a very hard time with affection as it is and our 3yo is the only person in the world I have ever seen him cry over. Clearly we knew it would be a battle, but after 2 and a half months, things are only getting worse. We are literally getting onto her for the same things over and over again and have used every form of punishment we can think of to try and get through to her. We have tried talking to her, leveling with her, taking away distractions and things, corner time, military style PT (which works great for the others, no spankings necessary!!) spanked her once (awkward)....I just don't know what to do. She has called me mom since we met her, which is fine, but today I lost it....I told her that if she wants to keep the right to call me mom then she needs to learn how to be a part of this family. I told her that I would protect her and love her and treat her as my own until it came down to having to protect my children from her. Am I wrong for that? I feel I was a little harsh, but even after that, no emotion whatsoever. The only look I ever get from her is that of "eat crap and die" or she is rolling her eyes at me. The sociopath idea comes from her lack of emotion or attachment to anyone or living thing and the fact that we have had to get onto her for murdering small, innocent animals (frogs and lizards) and the only thing she even remotely cared about was the toy she had taken away for it. Help!! I need advice. I love being a mother and was ecstatic for the chance to give this little girl a good home and now I'm starting to feel like I'm failing her AND my kids.
You're in the right place for
You're in the right place for help. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice to give. You have a wonderful heart, love. You are taking responsibility for a problem that you did not create. Have you taken her to a therapist yet? She may need more help than you can provide. But please keep this in mind... You have two beautiful children and a third one on the way. They need you and your protection. If she is hurting them, do whatever you can to keep them safe. I hate that this little girl is hurting but if she hurts your kids the way she hurts other innocent creatures, could you ever forgive yourself? They have to come first. But I know that you already know this. And don't feel guilty for doing what you have to do for them.
She's probably emotionless
She's probably emotionless because of the life she has had up until this point. She doesn't trust anybody.
As much as I hate the thought of a 9 year old needing therapy, she does need some counseling, and all of you need some family counseling. But it needs to be with the right therapist.
She feels lost. Her dad has not been in her life (not his fault, I know), God only know what kind of life she had with her mother, and her grandparents gave her no security. Children want a certain amount of discipline and boundaries, it shows someone cares, it gives them a sense of stability. I mean, they are children, they know damn well that they should not be in charge.
The bullying? She's taking control of her life the only way she knows how.
She needs help.
Seek help. Go to parenting
Seek help. Go to parenting classes, see therapists. Maybe you could even try looking up advice for adoptive parents who take in children around her age (which would be similar situations to you being in). Talk to her school see what they suggest. Keep going, it seems to me she is pushing and pushing your limits to test your love and commitment to her. I don't envy your situation, it sounds like a nightmare. It sounds like your husband and you make a good parenting team and work well together which is half the battle. Now you just need support and the right advice to help ease the situation and start to change her behavior. I am sorry to say that there
may be no quick fix or easy solution.
Is she in school? How is she
Is she in school? How is she doing there? If this is a pervasive behavioral concern, you will quickly begin to receive communications from the teacher and school. If the child behaves horribly in all settings, this is a definite serious red flag. If she is choosing (home)one setting to act this way, this could and more likely be manipulative behavior, needing intense counseling. Either way you certainly do not want your little ones imitating and learning behavior from this child.
What is happening at school? What feedback are you receiving about her behavior from the teacher? And, I would check in with the prior school by requesting a copy of all prior confidential records. You may learn a lot....
They've been in school for
They've been in school for about a month now and we just had open house last week. All of her teachers have nothing but good things to say about her and her behavior other than she talks when she shouldn't be talking...but she is not doing well with grades. She is a very creative mind and is doing great with science, but almost failing English and Social studies. This is even worse considering she is a grade behind due to BM not taking her to Kindergarten. We try very hard to shower her with love and praise when she excels at something because otherwise it seems we are getting onto her constantly and that feels horrible. She was in therapy with her grandparents, but I don't think they were addressing the right things. I so didn't want to resort to therapy because I was in denial at first that there may be something going on with her that stability from a real family couldn't fix, but it seems to be inevitable. I definitely want things to be addressed before she leaves a lasting imprint on my other children. Thank you all so much for the advice. The common theme seems to be therapy. We are still waiting for legal papers to come in so we can add her to our insurance, but as soon as we do I think we are going to get her started. Glad to find this website! I think it will most definitely be a good source!
It is important that you get
It is important that you get copies of all her prior school records, (the legal parent has the right to request copies), her cumulative record, scholastic, attendance and placement records. You need to ask for any copies of modules and/or evaluations conducted at prior schools for special needs. You may find out the counselor was involved at the prior school.
^^^Excellent advice.
^^^Excellent advice.
Counseling, the right type of
Counseling, the right type of counseling, can help.
Look for a counselor experienced with foster children and/or older child adoptions. DH is the biological father, but he has had, through no fault of his own, no actual relationship with this child nor the child with him.
A good counselor should be able to connect you with some therapeutic parenting classes. These classes are usually attended by foster and adoptive parents. Your DH is the biological father, but his current relationship with this child fits well with these classes.
This child can heal and fit into your family, but it will be hard work for all of you. It may get worse before it gets better. Children in these circumstances push boundaries until they feel safe. Your home may be the best home, but that's almost impossible for a child to see right now.
From this child's perspective she has been abandoned by her mom and taken from her grandparents to live with someone who others say is her biological dad whom she has no memory of. Think how you'd feel if someone put you in a car, moved you to a new home, and said here's your new husband -- he's the one you should have always been with and he'll be much better for you.
research reactive detachment
research reactive detachment disorder
What a mess. I can empathize.
What a mess.
I can empathize. My DH's youngest daughter moved in with us at 14 under similar circumstances. DH hadn't seen her for 6 years, and I had never met her. She was a very disturbed girl with a slew of issues, and we quickly felt overwhelmed.
This situation is way above your DH's skill set. The child is damaged and in need of help to cope, to reunify, and to modify her behavoir. I'm no expert, but he'll need a bunch of them to help him and his daughter. Your DH needs to explore every possible avenue for assistance, programs, and therapeutic treatment for his daughter.
It sounds as if you are a SAHM? Ugh. It's very important that your H be the one primarily dealing with his daughter. Do NOT allow her to be dumped on you. Men often think that if you're a mother you can mother any child, but that's simply not the case and it can cause you and the child to harbor resentment. Your first priority must be the welfare of your bios, even if it means putting your SD in day care.
In hindsight, I wish we had not brought my DH's daughter into our home at all. At fourteen, her personality was already formed and she was feral and hardbroke. A better solution would have been to reestablish visitation, begin reunification therapy, and kept a healthy distance. Good luck to you.
I\'m sorry..... this kid
I\'m sorry..... this kid lived 9 years without some one teaching her and you want to do it in 2 months time?
Not going to happen, I suggest get her into therapy and be much much more firmer with her, it will take years to wipe the first 9 years behavior,