Yikes. I don't envy your situation.

Okay,guilt. Be very careful with this and I think you should speak with your wife to be on it and have an open discussion (i'm sure she feels some level of guilt too) so that you know eachother's emotional expectations.

When me and FDH first started, I told him I will not stay if he parents out of guilt--he can feel it but do not let it leak into his parenting. I will only end up resenting and leaving if that's the case. We both agreed that trying to compensate will only lead to anger. Since both of you are bio parents and step parents, it goes doubly for you as a couple.

Otger than that, communicate, communicate, communicate. Most problems are the result of either silence, miscommunication, or misunderstanding. If something doesn't feel right, speak up, and always remember to listen.

As for kids, please just be fair. That's the best advice I can give you.

If there is one thing I've learned here being a sm of one and mom of my own six, is that you really need to consider what the worst case scenario will be. Right now you are thinking that you're going to feel guilty about not spending time with your daughter? That's a realistic fear. But plan for it. What will you do? Will you just ask her to be understanding? Will you and this woman assume the childrens' lives will all stay the way they are now? Because they absolutely won't. She will correct your daughter about something that she allows HER kids to get away with. You will be ABSOLUTELY COMPELLED to insult her kids behavior whenever theres a clear shot because you'll be resentful. It's really fascinating to watch it all unfold.

One thing that would have changed things for me is communicating more from the start. I kept assuming that things would get better. No freakin' way. Once the resentment sets in, you're a gonner. It's the over-riding, overwhelming majority ruling issue on this site. RESENTMENT }:)

It divides and then conquers all fuzzy good feelings. It's so hard to overcome. Resentment is a combination of who things...Anger and frustraton. Add to that the females' general inability to forget any wrong done to her, bham scary stuff.

I have six kids. A one year old and five teenage/adults. All fantastic communicators. Very open, honest, diplomatic, happy damn people. And my husbands son is closed, secretive, sneaky, selfish, and vendictive. Not a good match, huh? In my naive beginnings I thought my kids would bring him out of it. NOPE. Instead, his father took him out to special dinners, lunches, golf trips, long country drives. Gave him special seperate treatment. Gave him the message that we were divided. His intention was to try to get the kid to be kinder and more receptive. Didn't work. The boy only used it as a tool to get what he wanted.

So, now that I've gone on forever, I'll finish with this. Decide. Decide what the rules are. Write them down. Decide the solutions for all the potential problems. Agree on them, sign the damn thing. Decide privelidges, punishments, etc. If she thinks talking with your mouth full is hilarious and you think it's disgusting? What will you do? Good luck man. It's a jungle in there.

Old Dart & Duct Tape have valid points. I agree wholeheartedly that you need to be very careful about these feelings of guilt on a couple of fronts. If you feel guilty about spending more time with GF's kids than your daughter you will automatically feel sorry for your daughter, then you will without realising it start to treat your daughter as more special than the other kids, now to you she is, but to your GF her kids are more special, that is just how it is. By treating your daughter as more special by giving her special treats, buying her things to make up for not being in her life as much, allowing her special considerations because YOU feel guilty, you will, and you definately will not only spoil your daughter, but you will turn her into one of these precious little princesses that we so often read about on this site that have the wool pulled so far over daddy's eyes that daddy has no idea how horrible she is, and how other people perceive his special little princess to be a complete and utter bitch. You do not want that for your daughter, you do not want to turn her into a sneaky manipulative piece of work that no one except you likes, because if you do, you are stopping her from growing up to be a happy healthy young woman who knows how to have relationships, how to treat people with respect, and to treat people the way she would like to be treated. You are setting he up to fail in life, and you won't even see it happening. At the same time you will be putting a rift between your wife and yourself and between her kids and your daughter. They get along now, let it remain that way. Do not parent your daughter out of guilt, you will harm her not help her.

Other posters are right when they say discuss your feelings NOW with your GF. Discuss your parenting styles, discuss things and even as one poster said even eating habits, her children walking around chewing gum while yours is not allowed gum can become a potential bomb. Sort it all out as much as you can now, WRITE down what you both feel should be the rules and boundaries of the house, come together with your lists, and then work on a master list together, keep working on it until you are both happy.

Ultimately the only way this will work out is if you two put your relationship first, and show a united front to ALL the kids. You cannot have one set of rules for hers, and then yours gets special treatment because she is only there weekends, whatever. The problems that will cause are immense.

It is not just about communication, it is about honest communication. If either of you makes your child/children more special than the others you will have trouble. Also, if one of hers has a birthday on a weekend yours is not there, please do not expect the child to wait for his/her birthday party until your child is there. Let the kids celebrate their birthdays and have a special birthday dinner for them when your daughter is there, no need for them to have two parties, a dinner is fine, so that way she does not feel left out of celebrations. After all, you need to remember her kids will not be invited to your daughters birthday parties either. Your daughters BM will have special times with your daughter and your daughter will go to parties, movies etc, that your SK's will not go to, it will all pan out.

Good Luck, but trust me, write down what you agree on, sign off on it, and remember the list is written in pencil not indelible ink, things will come up that neither of you thought of, sit down and re do the list, don't argue or get mad, just say, we may need to get the list out and review it keep a copy each And all the very, very best of luck to you both.

Just reading your story is making me hyperventilate. Don't do it, man, just don't.

Live near each other. Date the crap out of each other. But don't get married. Don't shack up. Holy hell, you would be her 3rd husband! Her THIRD! And the last one might be a sociopath! So either she is hard to live with, or she makes bad judgments in men. I get that your dd5 is at her mom's and you are alone most of the week. Visit the gf, help with her kids if you want, but don't go further than that. If it's meant to be, when all the kids are grown up, you have plenty of time to marry.

There is a book called StepCoupling... buy it. Its ten bucks on Amazon, it will be the best investment that you and your future wife could possibly make. Even if it is not her, anyone you end up with would benefit from you knowing the information in the book.

My SO is in the same boat as you and his sister just tore into him about it like it's his fault he doesn't get his kids as much as I have mine. It's a tough spot to be in and I know that I feel a lot of guilt as well b/c I love him and his kids (even though they are acting like brats right now... these girls are way older than your DD). I would bet she feels some too. Talking is a good way to sort through it and I know SO calls his girls frequently to make sure they know he is always thinking about them and loves them. It helps. They are older and understand it's different since I'm the one with custody of my bios and their mom has them. Just be careful to not let your guilt affect your treatment of the children. Any of them. No being an over-compensating Disney Dad when you have your DD and don't let resentment build towards your SO's kids. Counseling may be a good idea to help you work through your guilt feelings on this.

Run for your life in the other direction!

RUN!!!!

He absolutely does get points for coming her and trying to get advice as to how to make things work, I admire him for that.

Your point about your husband not wanting to discipline his son the same way he disciplines the daughters he has with you is one I brought up earlier with the other poster. I think that children need boundaries and while they are young the will always choose the parents who allow ice cream and candy for breakfast lunch and dinner, but if they ultimately had a choice between the parent who was a strick disciplinarian and the free and easy I am your best buddy parent they will in the end choose the parent who set the boundaries.

I am living proof. My ex husband spent a year trying to convince the kids he was their best friend, they didn't see him for years in the end. Then as adults they chose to go back an see him. They made 3 visits and then they decided he was an idiot and now he does not even know he has 3 grandchildren and another on the way. This man was given every chance to be a parent and he just couldn'the responsibility that goes with parenting. My husband now finds himself in the same position, he let his kids run riot over him and they have not one ounce of respect for him, the way they used to speak to him was absolutely unbelievable and he said nothing, not one word. Now they do not speak one word to him, he behaved like a doormat and they treated him like one.

It was so hard for me setting rules and boundaries in my home for my kids they were 2, 6 and 8 and I was terriffied of losing them. However, although I didn't know it intelectually, I instinctively knew it in my heart I guess that children need boundaries and I ploughed on through my fear of losing them for the good of my children. They are all in their 30's now and we have a relationship that is based on mutual respect. They are adults with children of their own, I know they love me, I have not a doubt in the world about that, but I also know I am not the centre of their universe, their husbands and children come first, that is normal, I do not resent that, I am not threatened by that, my place is exactly where the circle of life determines it to be. If I needed help, they would be there in a heartbeat, we talk several times a day and see each other most days, maybe one week day here or there they won't call in, but usually one or the other pops in for cuppa through the day. Weekends if family time for them, and unless we are having a set family dinner or bbq they spend that time with their own families as it should bed, again though if I want or need something from them weekend or not they will help. This and I was the big bad parent who knocked them into line for years. Their father the airy fairy parent who bought them stuff and let them stay up as late as they wanted because he hardly got to see them (EOW) hasn't seen them in years as I said. My husband also the airy fairy father (I sure can pick em), also does not see his kids.

I hope the OP hears this loud and clear. If you decide to continue with this relationship, which will be very, very, very hard, do not make your daughter be the one to suffer, do not parent her out of guilt or fear that if you tell her no, or if you set rules and boundaries for her, she may not want to see you. Because if she pulls that one, she is manipulating you, and if you give in, you create a monster that becomes insatiable. Parent you child with love, put her needs ahead of your fears, be firm but fair at all times, do not pity her and make up to her for leaving her mom. If you do first and foremost your daughter will suffer, but in the end, the parent or parents who try to be the good guy come out the losers. If you want to lose your daughter and never see her again, let her away with murder. If you do not want this to happen, deal with your "guilt" because this "guilt" that YOU feel will in the end hurt you, but that's okay because you are the one who chose not to deal with it, the real problem is if you do not deal with this unecessary guilt, then the real victim will be your daughter who will more than likely end up with no realtionship with you.

Children want to eat candy till they are sick, they need to be told when enough is enough. Children will like the airy fairy parent who lets them away with murder for a while, they will love the parent who cared enough to lay down rules and boundaries forever.