Vacationing with a blended family
:?
I was a single mom for almost 9 years to my son. We struggled for a few years until I had just had enough and decided to go back to work in sales where i can earn a decent living. I was able to pull us out of debt and give us a comfortable lifestyle where we could travel and go on "adventures" as we used to call them.
Fast forward to now- as a newlywed step mom with 2 new stepchildren. I feel as though I don't have enough time to spend with my son as it is b/c of figuring out how to be both a wife and a mom, as well as a stop mom. I feel like I try so hard to make everyone happy, that i am not happy.
I am the main breadwinner in the family, my husband works but he doesn't make as much as I do. After paying child support to his children, I'd say I make about 75% more than he does. He's not really able to do much more than what he currently does and I am ok with that except when it comes to things like vacations and holidays. I feel like I am having to limit what I can do with my son to make it fair to his children.
For instance, my dream was to take my son out west for vacation this year. Airfare for 2 is alot less than airfare for 5 so we wound up taking them on a roadtrip to Florida and staying in a timeshare and with family. I enjoyed it but I couldn't let go of the fact that we didn't do everything I could have done if it had just been the 2 of us.
My step children travel with their mom's family several weeks of the year and also do a great deal with my husband's mom and dad. My son only has me to take him to do things. I feel as though he's getting the short end of the stick. He's my baby and I don't know how to make it fair for everyone. Even Christmas this year was a struggle b/c I had to buy for everyone- and to make it fair he got less this year than in previous holidays b/c I can't afford to do as much as I would normally for everyone in the family.
It causes discord with my husband b/c he can't afford to do anything financially to help me. then I also sometimes feel taken advantage of. Is anyone else in my boat? What have you done to make things work? I almost wish I had met my husband 10 years later when there wasn't as much of the kid time left.
You have worked hard and now
You have worked hard and now earn good money. It's not your responsibility to level the playing field for his children's overall standard of living. Especially at the expense of your child's welfare.
Don't give big presents to your child at the same time you give the steps trinkets. That is just cruel especially if they are younger. This is a good time to explain things to your son that out of respect for the other children and to not hurt their feelings (this is true across the board in life) it's not good to flaunt presents, gifts, etc.
Gift your son other things when not with the skids. Shoot I do this with a group of friends. We have Christmas together and exchange small gifts every year (6 of us - been doing it for almost 50 years). My best friend and I though exchange nicer presents between us - but we never do it in front of the others.
Don't feel bad about having an "adventure" with your son. It's okay for the two of you to go do stuff. Don't lie about it but don't rub it in the faces of the children not going. Tact and consideration will go a long way.
Take your son on as many
Take your son on as many adventures as you can. There's nothing wrong with the two of you vacationing without your husband and his kids.
I'm assuming you're able to take several vacations a year. Let's say you do 2 trips a year, you could do one with just your son and one with just you and husband.
Tell your husband that you would be more than happy to do another blended family trip when he's in a position to to cover his children's travel expenses.
What's stopping him from working retail during the holidays? If he worked from September-January at say Walmart or Target, he could make about $4K. That money could be earmarked for Christmas gifts for his kids and the vacation fund.
******
******
Totally agree with DISNEYFAN
Totally agree with DISNEYFAN to a T
My skids are noncustodial.
My skids are noncustodial. To us that means that the custodial has the opportunity to give her kids a rich full life during their majority of time with her including vacations, big holidays, etc.., (she opts not to and manages her money poorly/spends it on tatoos, etc..). There is no way that my kids that are custodial are missing out on nice vacations and things because of our blended situation. We go on nice trips with them and don't feel bad about it at all. Now of course when the steps are here we have done nice things with them, especially the sd who has come for extended periods of time we have had time to include her in some really nice vacays in the time allotted and if we are sharing a holiday together such as Christmas am opening we even things up the most we can but there is no way we are going to duplicate everything with kids that are not even here most of the time just to say we did.
I agree with Disney and those
I agree with Disney and those that agree with Disney. My situation is the same as yours and I hate to break it to you but here is the cold hard fact: WE MARRIED DOWNWARD. When you marry somebody who makes less than you do ( and oh dear at the beginning it so doesn't matter) you are in for a cut in your financial lifestyle, especially when they have kids. The ideal would be to treat the kids equally financially speaking but YOUR CHILD SHOULD NOT SUFFER because of your spouse's financial situation. Yes, let hubby get an extra job if he wants to take his kids on the vacations you take with your son. It is certainly acceptable that he should bring additional $$$ into the marriage for Christ's sake. You can always "pass off" your cool adventures with your son as "bonding time" thus leaving the other kids out. That is what I have done.
My situation took a bad turn. My spouse was a user and I didn't realize it and I was short sighted. I have never been a selfish person with money, blessed to have a career and education and thought that marrying for LOVE is what its all about. I didn't want to be so shallow as to think that I had to marry somebody my financial equal.
WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.
I shot myself in the foot. From the day I met spouse it seems like I have been picking up the financial pieces and carrying the relationship monetarily. Spouse was always struggling with something and needed money and I was a soft touch and an idiot. Fast forward I have been taken advantage of (allowed myself to be taken advantage of....let me own it) and it has gone on for far too long. Now spouse is starting to make money and I am getting push back already as to how much should be contributed to the "community" ( marriage) finances. I am waiting for spouse to have some time in with the new job before I file for divorce or I will likely get hit with having to pay spousal support.
Don't be hard on yourself.
Don't be hard on yourself. You are a good person. I too have been carrying the financial relationship and am now so resentful. I limit myself and my kids because I think 'it's not fair that his kids don't get to experience/have to stay home etc' but I am done with that. People like us were taught that if we are more fortunate than others, we would be a good person to help. It's not our fault. That's who we are and i'm proud of that. I wish you good luck with the future.
I agree with the fact that is
I agree with the fact that is the boundaries that you put into place and the resentment that will follow if you violate those by spending more than what is comfortable. GUILTY AS CHARGED. I didn't have strict boundaries. I thought that I was a loving dutiful spouse and totally committed to whatever I had to do including spending my money. I am a generous person and was happy to do this. But I was naive. And I got played. Then I was in too deep and tried to pull back on some of the $$$ I was advancing. Then I was manipulated and called a bad partner.
PLEASE EVERYBODY LISTEN TO MUSTANG. Great points.
They are such wise words
They are such wise words Mustang2008! I always try to do what makes my SD and DH happy - and consequently end up not so happy myself. It had now become taken that I look after her for half the week while DH is at work. It's bad enough the mood she puts me in every morning and anxiety about her coming home. I don't want to get into the responsibility for giving her money. I find it hard to disengage at times because I am naturally caring etc, but I do think this is to my detriment in some cases and I am learning now.
This site is brilliant!
AMEN to that!
AMEN to that!
OMG, it was like I wrote this
OMG, it was like I wrote this post. I too make more money than my hubby. I have 1 child, he has 3 and together we have 1. I have wanted to go to Disneyworld for years but my hubby can't afford to pay for his 3. He says we can go without them but I think that would end up causing really big issues. But why should my kids have to suffer when I can pay for them? In our household our bills are split 70/30 but I don't think that's fair. I may make about 25% more than he does but he has more people to have to pay for. But you can't get blood from a stone. If the money's not there, it's not there and so I pay for the majority of the bills. I do feel resentment already. I just want to thank everyone for their comments and for making me feel like i'm not alone. Most days I feel alone.