OT-found boyfriends profle on sex site but no paid membership YET
OT-Boyfriend of 4 years revisited his profile on a sex site
I have been with my boyfriend over 4 years and came to this site since I struggled at times dealing with his ex-wife and drama with his kids. He always treats me well, telling me multiple times a day how he loves me, taking care of me, and just being my best friend and perfect boyfriend. About 2 years into our relationship when using his computer he left up what he was logged into which was a social media site I never heard of. He only messaged women and nothing sexual but it bothered me since it seemed he was looking for someting he wasn't gettting from me. He deleted that account when I told him how it bothered me. Our relationshiop flourished and I moved in March this year. I wanted to live together first to see how things went with his kids and us all living together. The plan was to eventually get married and he truly made me happy, no man had ever treated me this good.
Tonight when he was out, I just had this weird intuition come over me to look at the history on his computer. I cannot explain it but something drove me I'm ashamed to say I snooped. I found his profile on a site called something like "local MILF selfies". He had a profile with a picture of him in his boxers and his face blocked out saying he was looking for hot sex with awesome women, and doesn't want to get tied down. I could see the picture was taken at a time when we were already in a relationship and he lived in his last home so it could have been taken at any point during the first 3 years we were together. He told me he had that account BEFORE he met me so I knew that was a lie, but even so why go on it now? He did not have a paid membership so he cannot really message anyone, just lurk and search view pictures. But then I saw in the SENT email box he did try to send a message to a woman and it said "delivery pending membership upgrade". I am heartbroken, why after me moving in would he even visit THAT site. Porn is everywhere and I have no problem with him looking at porn, as long as it isn't about messaging other women. When I confronted him, he said he never had sex with anyone else and emphasized he did not have a paid membership which I knew was true so he couldn't really contact anyone. But I all could say was that he was on there just 3 days ago and attempted to message a local woman. It is the intent alone that destroyed my trust and broke my heart. Am I crazy for getting this upset? I feel I can never trust him and should just move out ASAP. I told him I now that everything was a lie, his love for me was a lie and I was angry that he brought me into his home and into his kids lives, then after living here a few short months, he goes back on that site? I told him he was only one click away from getting his membership and having his message go through. I don't see how I can trust him. Am I overreacting? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I cannot think straight right now. I am 50 years old and my world feels destroyed and I know I will miss him terribly for all the good that we had but I feel he destroyed trust and he was one step away from cheating.
I'm so sorry you are going
I'm so sorry you are going through this but he cannot be trusted. He lied to you before and is back at it. He has a problem.
You are not over-reacting. It is heartbreaking but you are certainly young enough to find someone who can commit to you. I met my DH when I was in my mid 50's. I kissed a lot of frogs before him but am happier than I've ever been. It will not be easy at first but you deserve much better!
Hugs!
My father always used to say
My father always used to say to me to always remember that when you are dating, up until the moment of engagement (making an official commitment) either party is perfectly able (And should if they are unhappy) to leave the other. The whole point of dating (someone you want to marry) is to lay the foundations of what will become your marriage.
These are the foundations you are laying, and is that really the kind of marriage you want to build?
Hes outright lied to you, and what you choose to do next will lay another layer in your foundations. So what do you want? Are you going to lie down and let the guy know that he can walk all over you? Let him know he can sneak behind your back, lie directly to your face and you will do nothing?
You are 50, not dead, you do not have to settle for less because you are older. And if that is your main concern (that you are 50 and may not find someone else) then you have bigger issues, being afraid of being alone is a recipe for getting tied down with someone that isnt right for you.
And perhaps its a pattern that will only go so far as messaging women, flirting, and pictures, but on that profile he states hes seeking sex, so hes actively seeking to cheat on you, and THAT (along with the lying) is unforgivable to me.
This is twice now that
This is twice now that something like this has come up and as you said yourself - you can't trust him . Please move on with your life and don't waste any more time and energy on this man
He always treats me
He always treats me well...
No, he doesn't. A person who treats you well treats you well both in your presence and when you are not with them. He is not treating you well if he is looking at sex sites, trying to message women, and upgrading his membership.
He may tell you he loves you, but his actions do not.
He has shown you who he actually is. Believe him.
After more discussions with
After more discussions with him, he kept reminding me that he did not have a paid subscription and could not contact anyone. He said it was just a fantasy thing for him, like looking at a porn site I guess? I have no problem with a regular old porn site, but to see a profile of him seeking sex, him telling me he did had that account before he met me, and then not seeing any evidence of actual communication is why I am so torn. He didn't pay so he could not communicate so I can see why he would have used it for looking like porn. I feel so stupid as I have no problem with him looking at porn, it's that he did it on a site where he set up a profile that looks incriminating. If I had seen actual communication with a woman, I would feel 100% that I am right. If he was just using it as porn, then I am throwing away a relationship over nothing if he wasn't using it to meet women. he could not meet them without a paid subscription.
But then I saw in the SENT
But then I saw in the SENT email box he did try to send a message to a woman and it said "delivery pending membership upgrade".
If it's pending because of a membership upgrade, and he was able to set up a profile, that must mean that he does have some kind of membership, no?
You need to follow your gut. He did try to send a message and all of his denials are meaningless. Setting up a profile on that site and trying to send a message to a woman is not "looking at porn".
Do you want to live your life not really trusting him? That's a stressful, awful way to live.
I'm guessing he thought he
I'm guessing he thought he would give it a try in case it would go through? But then I was also giving him the benefit of the doubt that he accidently clicked on a message button when looking at the woman's profile. It's not really a dating/relationship site, it's "MILFS" with naked profile pictures. So I'm not sure if they have "free communication" days or not like regular dating sites. Funny thing is after researching the site, it is more like a scam just to lure guys in to pay. So that is why I thought he was just using it as porn since he did not pay to be able to message anyone.
I guess I'm having a hard
I guess I'm having a hard time facing the truth. He was the love of my life, truly. I loved everything about him. We were best friends and he would get choked up when telling me how much he loves me and how happy I make him. That is why it is so hard for me to accept I guess. We loved spending all our time together and I couldn't imagine how he would have time for anyone else. He was either at work, with me, or with his kids. But yes, that site is staring me in the face and I feel stupid. You and the others are obviously right.
This is exactly what happened
This is exactly what happened to my best friend.
The guy turned out to be a narcissist who love bombed her, google it. Then put her through the wringer.
He cried when he tried to tell her how wonderful she was for him, how she understood him like no one else ever had. His exs were all crazy.
Worked ALL the time and would make her feel guilty if she wanted to out with friends because that was their time together.
Yet he was sleeping with at least one or two different women every week! He would meet up for hook ups at lunch.
When she found him on dating sites, he swore he'd never met up with any of the women. That his ego was bruised because he'd been fired and he wanted to know he was still attractive.
He cried, said he was so vulnerable, how could she love him, she'd just leave him too, like all the other women in his life. Starting with his Mother who didn't protect him when his father beat him. All BS, of course but it sure worked.
Until he started to twist it. He started telling her that it was really her fault. If she really loved him she would have made him feel wanted. It was really her fault that he'd had to go talk to other women to feel virile.
Wow-thank you for sharing
Wow-thank you for sharing this! How did she find out he actually cheated? Although my boyfriend never made me feel guilty for going out with friends. We had a very healthy relationship so I am in shock. I see a similarity in that last night we talked again and he said a couple of years ago he was diagnosed with Low testosterone and was trying to fix it by doing these exciting on line things to raise his testosterone level naturally. I was scratching my head at that! He is quirky at times but this was reaching for anything he could it seemed. I said I thought videos were more exciting and would raise his testosterone better than messaging a woman. He said it was the fantasy, that he knew the message would not go through but it was the excitement of going through the motions of message a woman on the hookup site. He said he just looking at videos was not doing it for him as he only had a few favorites and they were getting boring. He said there were too many viruses on all those porn sites so he said he used the one that was safest. I played along as the more he spoke, the more far reaching he sounded which was what I needed to hear at this point to give me that kick in the pants.
My boyfriend never made me feel like anything was ever my fault. He is an amazing person and my family and friends love him too. This would be easier for me if he acted more like your best friends ex and just been a jerk!
She actually left him for
She actually left him for other reasons and didn't find out about the cheating until after they'd broken up.
He got into another relationship very quickly and did the same thing to the next woman. We've all become friends and it was her son, who is a computer wiz, who found all the dating sites and hook ups. This guy even had a spreadsheet to keep the women straight!
She was with him for 4 years. He asked her to marry him after 2 months. In the beginning he was perfect, absolutely perfect. He has this ability to see what she needed and then become that. She truely thought she'd found her soulmate and was ecstatic. At first everyone loved him, again that ability to be what you want him to be.
There were red flags, his exs were all crazy. They were upset he'd left them, wanted him back, wanted to hurt him and so told lies about him.
Then there were the lies he'd tell. Little ones at first, he lied about his age, where he'd traveled, pets. Then the big ones, his education, his qualifications, his childhood.
Of course, you are not
Of course, you are not overreacting and you should definitely move out and end it with this guy.
^^^^yup!! Well said!
^^^^yup!!
Well said!
He can't use the "but I don't
He can't use the "but I don't have a membership" excuse because it sounds like he tried communicating FIRST then realized he couldn't after the fact because he isn't a paying member. If it would have been free he would have successfully cheated on you. Are you going to wait for him to sign up for a free site so he can 100% cheat on you for you to understand that he's not trustworthy? You've caught him twice already, I'm sure next time you won't catch him via online because he'll be better at hiding it from you.
I found the site in his
I found the site in his history. When I clicked on the link, thinking a typical porn site would come up, his profile came up. The history showed he was on that site 3 days ago, and the one "un-sent" message is what I found that concerned me, but I saw there was no other communication to any women and he couldn't message since he was not a paying member. I am divorced and in no hurry to get married, I wanted to live together for at least 1 year to see how things went with his kids when I move in. I am perfectly content with our time line, but not this current situation.
Plus he is always with me. We spend so much time together I couldn't imagine when he would even have time to be with anyone else since he is either with me or his kids when he is not at work.
"Plus he is always with me.
"Plus he is always with me. We spend so much time together I couldn't imagine when he would even have time to be with anyone else since he is either with me or his kids when he is not at work."
Yet he has time to go on this site?
Good point. Interesting
Good point. Interesting timing as his kids are actually with their mom visiting her for the summer. I guess he will have more free time now.
There is plenty of free porn
There is plenty of free porn available. Google it. Very graphic porn even. With no membership, no sign up etc. He's lying to cover his ass. He tried to message someone. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
So he wants a steady woman at
So he wants a steady woman at home but lots of extra on the side, aka an open relationship. Is this what you want? Do you want this kind of arrangement for yourself? You'll have a man but it won't be exclusive. If the answer is yes, then believe his lies and stay. If not, then you know where the door is.
I have to wonder if he's been trying to subtly tell you about his intentions because most people know about incognito mode or deleting their history! Yet he's leaving it all there for you to snoop through.
If this is not your idea of happily ever after then I suggest you call it a wrap and go. Move along. Perhaps you can upgrade his site membership as a "no hard feelings" parting gift.
That is what is strange and
That is what is strange and causing me to be torn, he is always with me. We spend so much time together I couldn't imagine when he would even have time to be with anyone else since he is either with me or his kids when he is not at work.
It's like he is using that site to prove his manhood in some way. But it still doesn't seem right to me. His profile picture wasn't like the other guys slimy pictures, he was wearing boxers and a t-shirt and blocked out his face with his phone. his profile was brief with not much information.
He tells me he's happy as can be with me.
Maybe you spend too much time
Maybe you spend too much time together. He may be trying to prove his manhood and assert independence by creating space from you. Perhaps you should move out, create your own space and see how it goes. If you don't want to end it that is your choice but being exclusive and hitching your wagon to a man that "doesn't want to be tied down," may not be the best choice for you.
If you haven't read the book "Mating in Captivity," then it's a must read. You can download it from Audible.
He is the one who insists on
He is the one who insists on spending so much time together. He always loved doing things with me, from walking the dogs, vet appts to grocery shopping. I would at times be the one to tell him that he didn't need to go with me to so many things, to take that time to do something for himself. I did tell him it was over and that he was the love of my life and how much it hurts me. He replied that why would he do all he as done with me and for me, to throw it away looking for kicks with another woman, insisted it was a fantasy and he was not looking for anyone. Plus he is the one that asked me to move in, I did not push it all all.
If you really want to make
If you really want to make this work then you two need to open up about your fantasies and engage with an open mind and see if there are any areas that you two can explore together, remembering not to do anything that makes you uncomfortable and that fantasies can be interpreted in many different ways and do not have to be fulfilled all at once but can be done in small steps. If you two have a safe space to talk about fantasies without judging each other then it may work, but along with openness about fantasies complete honesty about actions needs to be a requirement.
If this is not an option for you, you either accept that you are going to continue to find out his little secret dalliances online and perhaps more and decide that you can live with that or you leave him if you cannot.
Know that his behavior has
Know that his behavior has NOTHING to do with you. It's natural to question what it is that you lack, or what it is you could do better. But it's not about YOU at all. It's about him, and he is selfish. He might truly love you, but he loves himself more. It's also very natural to convince yourself that this is "normal" behavior and something other than what it seems. He has a profile on a sex-seeking site and, membership or not, that is not ok within a committed relationship.
Unless he is willing to seek counseling AND he is willing to do the hard work entailed, I would end this relationship. Find a counselor experienced in sex addiction (not saying he is a sex addict, but that type of counselor has heard it all and will be comfortable talking through all the elements of sexual urges and behaviors, including effects on a partner).
You are right to be vigilant.
I know what I'm talking about.
i am so sorry to hear
i am so sorry to hear this.
you know in your heart what is going on. you had the nagging suspicion to look a little bit deeper and confirmed what you suspected.
you are no longer the one and only in his life. this is painful.
most of all protect yourself. not only your finances but be protection from stds.
"Fool me once, shame on me
"Fool me once, shame on me ... Fool me twice?" That was a thought which ran through my mind when I read your post. You have a pattern of behavior with BF.
This just doesn't sound like a 'sexual fantasy' thing. He may try to sell you a line a B*S* that he is more sexual than you or you are not as experimental or you're menopausal or too busy or too predictable or ... That's smokescreen fantasy on his part. He wishes he could explain the situation away in that manner.
It also sounds as if you have a lovely pair of rose-coloured glasses glinting on your nose. The entire "we're always together", "he treats me great," "he pushed for us to move in together," "he says he adores me" stuff is you trying to tell yourself a story. It is a lovely fantasy relationship that you are having with the idealized version of BF. You sound baffled.
The 'real' BF is revealed in his repeat looking for hook=ups and probably a hundred other small things which hindsight will reveal. I've seen a variation of that movie myself.
The "I am 50 years old" comment smacks of desperation, insecurity and fear. Slapped on the end of your post, that line is the most telling. Sorta like one of those conversations you have with your therapist and waste 43 minutes and finally --- as you are leaving --- toss out a critical issue. You tolerate and accept crappy behavior because you don't think you can do better and you're terrified inside of aging alone.
Pick a therapist. Plan an exit. Get on with the rest of your life. You have a grand adventure waiting that does not involve some average Joe trying to deceive and gaslight you.
Funny...as I also said to him
Funny...as I also said to him "Fool me once, shame on me ... Fool me twice"! I was already divorced 6 years ago and I am terrified to hit the reset button again now at now at 50 years old. In all my life, this was the best relationship I ever had, no man had ever been so nurturing, understanding, caring, loving and supportive (until what I discovered of course). His family and I fit together so well. I don't have kids and we felt like a happy family together...I am now losing all of them. Plus I lost 2 dear friends to cancer this year (they were my rocks) and my job is not secure due to upcoming contract negotiations. I feel my life is spiraling downwards and lonelier than ever, so I know this will be excruciating to lose him too as he is always there for me and had my back. How could I ever possibly find anything close to that at my age? Most men age seem to want someone younger. I look young for my age (everyone tells me that can't believe I'm 50) and very active but I'm still 50 years old to men in the end. My boyfriend is 2 years younger than me and I felt lucky he prefers mature women. So yes, I do feel desperate, insecure and afraid and I hate it. I was looking forward to growing old with him and now that is gone after my discovery.
Surfing porn is one thing,
Surfing porn is one thing, advertizing for sex partners is something else entirely. This would be an immediate deal breaker for me.
Since you moved in, you move out. I would have been out before he got back to the house after finding his active profile and recent email to a targeted fuck buddy.
Please stop rationalizing the behavior of this POS looser, have some self respect, and put more value on yourself than on this flawed, characterless, non man.
Move on, start a new life adventure, never settle for anyone who would treat you in a manner other than how you should demand that they treat you. As I said, surfing porn is one thing. Advertising is another.
I was in my 60s when I met my
I was in my 60s when I met my wonderful DH. He's almost a decade younger than I am. He's adorable and great. You do not have to settle for this guy. I'm
Wow-your story makes me happy
Wow-your story makes me happy to hear!