for both of you. Let me tell you a story that maybe will help. Several yrs ago, I was taking my class to become an EMT. Part of that class was to do ride time with our local EMS. We had to do so many hours, which turned out to be about 3 shifts w/them. When I did mine, I worked with a guy who treated me with respect, and taught me a lot.... not like a rookie. So, we developed a friendship. We became close, but to me it was nothing more than friendship. We would sometimes talk at night on the computer. One night, after I had gone to bed, he sent me an email that said he loved me, blah blah blah. I read it, didn't respond and forgot to delete it. When I came home from my class that night, DH was sitting there holding this email he printed crying accusing me of cheating. I tried to explain the situation, but he didn't believe me. That was about 8 yrs ago. We went to counseling b/c he said he could not trust me anymore. I pled my case and stated I had done nothing wrong and he was making it out to be something it wasn't. After a few sessions, things were not much better and it looked as though we were headed for divorce. We went to counseling one last time. This is when it all changed. The counselor told me privately that he thought all DH wanted to hear was validation for his feelings and me acknowledging that I could see how he would interpret the things the way he had instead of constantly trying to be right. I then did exactly as the counselor said and it worked, DH cried and said he felt so much better and it all seemed to end that day. I have never heard another word about it!
Sometimes, I think what we all need instead of an apology is to feel validated. Maybe if you tell her that you can understand how she might get the feeling you were doing something you shouldn't, she will be more forgiving. It does seem like she is holding onto this for some reason....

I took the time to go back and read your original post about your "back story." It sounds like the main factors in what changed between you and your wife are two-fold: your SD hitting those rough teen years and the birth of your own daughter. The powerful combination of those two life events seems to have taken quite a toll on your wife's emotional health.

One of thie things that really stands out for me in all your writings is the "victim" mentality she has. It ALL seems to be YOUR fault- and none of hers. A relationship is made by two people taking ownership in it. Building it up and, unfortunately, screwing it up as well! And it seems like she's not claiming her part in the "screwing it up" aspect, but holding you solely out to be the BIG BAD GUY in all of it. And that's simply not fair. Where is her part to play in it all? Did the therapist ask her or take note of that?

I think until there is the recognition of her part in all of this, you may be correct about the outcome of your marriage. And that may be the exact reason she has "shut you out on purpose". She feels like YOU are the cause- not her. If, in her mind, she has assumed the role of "victim" or "martyr", then you are in a very difficult position. One that you may have no control over- no matter what steps YOU take to fix it.

I'm sorry if it sounds dire, but relationships can't be repaired if both parties are not willing to meet in the middle and admit their mistakes. And I'm sure your wife has made her fair share.
Now she needs to admit them, apologize for them, and then you can both move forward to a new future together.

For you, and for your new daughter, I hope she is able to do just that.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

It is sad that you are now still hashing out issues from long ago. It is a very common defense mechanism, to deflect blame and personal responsibility for the current state of affairs by bringing up the past. Folks mention it here all the time, the arguments that become "you did, well YOU did" and nothing ever gets solved, worse, it breeds resentment and more anger...

I do think it's admirable that you've made the effort that you have. You obviously love your BD and yes your wife very much. I do hope you'll find a way to re devote yourself to your interest in photography, everyone needs a creative outlet. I'm a photographer and digital artist myself, and I have several pages on art sites where I work with models, some of them nude, so I completely understand how innocent what you were doing could be. Your wife is obviously very insecure now, b/c if she's modeled before she should understand.... What about doing a real photoshoot with her and BD? It may not be in your heart to do this now, you may be too hurt, and she may be too hurt too, but at this point, it doesn't seem like you have much to lose, and perhaps it might be a way to regain her trust...

No matter what you decide, good luck!

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

bothering her in your marriage.Where some of her anger is coming from.

"She earlier told me she couldnt be with someone who was a photographer who took nudes, or an actor who had to kiss another actor."

As far as the "porn" goes, what is art to one person can be porn to another. And that's fine, as long as those two people don't happen to be married to each other! That's a really sensitive issue to many women-some it doesn't bother, some percieve it as an affair. She laid her cards on the table about that, what you do with it is your decision.

I hope you can find a happy place with her. You may think she's being oversensitive, but that's who she is, and evidently has been for sometime.

Many women feel less attractive after having a baby-let's face it, it does things to our bodies. So she probably has been feeling somewhat insecure about herself, and feels that you have been comparing her to these women on the internet.

I don't think this issue alone should be enough to break up a marriage over. You have a choice; either accept her for who she is (in this delicate matter), or don't. And acceptance means honoring her feelings on this. If you can do that, perhaps she can start honoring your feelings on other issues (like Sd's behavior).

Good luck.

I would suggest not looking at porn anymore since she has straight out told you it bothers her, and deleting the history is not the same as not looking at it. Its not only directly disregarding her feelings but its a betrayal of trust to turn around & hide it. Your wife is obviously someone that this bothers and she has lost her trust in you over it. Hiding it is not going to make her trust you again. You really have to tell her you understand that she interpretted your actions that way but that was never your intent & then prove those words to her over & over until she moves past it. Not that I'm saying she's even right, but its how she feels. I hope you don't give up hope and go through another divorce, for your daughters sake.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

This sounds like a carryover from a previous relationship to me. Remember things that happen to us in the past determine who we are today. Unless we personally deal with these kinds of issues, they become part of us.

"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac

Because of all of this - her hanging on to the idea of betrayal and shutting you out, you now are actually spending time online looking at porn and talking to women - us.

Strange how life unfolds. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. I hope for you and your daughter's sake you and your wife are able to reconcile this. You're absolutely right about what you've gleaned from this site. You should do everything in your power to keep your "DW" from becoming a "BM".

MSLOAN, I am so sorry that this session did not go well. I wish I had some words of wisdom and comfort for you but I don't. I think it's a great idea for you to go to counseling on your own. All you can do is try to better yourself and your situation. I hope your wife learns to appreciate you and is willing to meet you in the middle.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

I think your wife has some self-esteem issues she needs to work on. She seems to be extremely insecure, but that is HER problem / issue that only SHE can deal with. You can give her all the reassurance in the world (but be careful not to cross that line into a$$ kissing, cause then she'll lose all respect for you), but unless and until she makes a concerted effort to confront and deal with her demons, your reassuring words / gestures won't do any good.

I'm particularly worried or perhaps suspicious of the lack of answers to what it is she wants. I have a feeling there is something on her mind but she does not have the courage to admit it to you just yet. There's something there that she isn't telling you.

I was going to suggest coming clean with her about this site, but in her present state of mind that may only be confirmation for her that you are talking to women online. I doubt she'd care about the real reasons you come here.

I wish I had better advice for you, but as someone previously pointed out, it takes two to make a marriage work, and you cannot be responsible for keeping this thing together if she's not willing to meet you half-way. You cannot do it all by yourself, nor should you. Take it from someone who knocked themselves out trying to keep a marriage together without participation from the other spouse: it will be a losing proposition.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

And I don't think anyone wants you to act like a repentant little boy.

As the internet pics are the issue that was brought up, that's the one you can deal with first. I feel in your posts that you are defending your actions, where no defense is needed, not with us on here. You said your wife is an insecure woman, those are her issues, not yours. Problem there is when you marry, both parties issues become issues of the marriage. And if you want to try to save this marriage (and it sounds like she also may have a desire, tho not a strong desire to do so) you have to look at the issues dispassionately, from the outside in.

I don't know if your marriage can be saved, none of us do. I don't even know if you still want to save the marriage. Just remember, that if you two can't make it, you will be a single father. And should you decide to remarry, your little one will become a stepkid, That's reality of divorce.

So, if you really want to put effort in this union, your best route, I think, is to stop feeding her insecurities. Even a secure woman would have problems with her H writing comments regarding photos (nudes?) of other women-and insecure woman would find it intolerable. Maybe you should take the high road on this one-without the "I'm a naughty little boy" attitude.

Okay I am going to assume that you and your wife were together awhile before you were married correct? Now stay with me here. In ALL THAT time did she or did she not know that you did photography and that it did involve being on the computer and it did involve looking at commenting on nudes. What I am trying to ask is this all new to her? The reason I ask is because my FH had issues of playboy in his bathroom and back at his house - he has collected them for years. He never tried to hide them from me. At first I was completely grossed out because I thought that he was a complete porn freak and it really turned me off. BUT I was calm and asked him and he just said it is something that he has been reading for 20 years and they have great articles (I think all men say that) but anyways I was a bit huff but then I started reading it and they had flipping awesome articles, great jokes, and I love the advice page it is hysterical. So anyways if he does look at pictures who cares? He's 48 and has had a subscription for 20 years. He does not hide it and I don't care! So in saying that your wife has serious self esteem issues is what I am guessing and on top of that she is using any excuse she can think of to deflect from the real situation which is SD and her lack of particpation in this marriage. She does not want to be held accountable for anything - she wants to say you are the problem period. My FH goes to websites all the time to look at cars, parts, whatever and they always have racy pictures on there and guys always post on there. Again who cares that doesn't make me think he is cheating on me - I see pretty much everything he does and he doesn't erase anything. I am glad that you guys are in counseling and I think it may be a good idea for you to go to the counselor each on your own and then have a joint therapy session. I feel she may be holding back talking in front of you. I personally don't think you are doing anything wrong - if you were going on dating website and emailing women and had a profile etc., then I would divorce your ass but that is not your intention obviously. You are just trying to have some sort of pleasure in life and have a good marriage. I do not think that is too much to ask. Hang in there and give it a little more time....

Knowing who he sleeps with at night is one thing. Him respecting his wife is another. I think it is just rude of a man to ogle or drool at another woman in the presence of his wife and visa versa. It can make the most open minded and secure person feel very uncomforatble. It doesn't have to be jealousy. I think respect is a big deal to women. Sorry MSLoan, your situation is a dicey one and I do hope you can save your marriage. Good Luck.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

MSloan,

I still believe your wife can't move forward in her relationship with you because she has a mental block about something from the past. I am dealing with this same issue with my DH except I am the one with the mental block. That is not to say my DH doesn't have plenty of personal issues himself - he does and then some, but I am having trouble letting go of some things that happened earlier in our marriage. I will not be able to move forward with him and give him the portion of respect he has earned since then and now deserves until I let go of what already happened.

Going to get a bit personal here, bear with me, hoping to help...........When I left my Ex, my gun (insecurities,trust issues) was loaded big time. I held the gun to MY head (got counseling, and "owned" up to the issues), and pulled the trigger ( to trust my current DH) Pulling the trigger was the hardest part, but it did not kill me. The things that I thought would happen, did not. My Ex was addicted to porn, and did carry on relationships with girls online....and worse. It was a hard thing to "bounce back" from. But when I realized that "porn" was not to blame, he was, and his actions, I was able to trust again, and let my DH "in". We (my DH & I ) being married and in a loving relationship, even look at it (porn) together from time to time. We always do it together, not behind eachothers backs, because we simply don't need to.(and no,DH is not a perv.) It is so free-ing to be in this relationship, and to be able to love, and trust so unconditionally. I would not have been able to with out getting myself the help I needed to heal, and see my DH for who he really is.....some one who loves me w/ all his being, and does not ever want to hurt me. It was tough, I have had alot of men in my life dissapoint me, and let me down,even my own father. But it was MY gun, and MY life that loaded it, not my current DH. We are honest and open with eachother, and yeah, we spice things up a bit, by watching porn, but would never do anything els, or "stray". It has taken me alot to get to this point, but I'm sure glad that I did. Sorry to ramble. I wish you and your wife the best of luck, and hope you can work thru- this. Just wanted to share, from some one who has "been there", and let you know what worked for me./us."~waiting on the world to change~"