OT- Porn addiction?
Before all of you jump on the "leave him already!" bandwagon, I get it. I know. I'm saving and trying to find places and setting up showings for apartments. But this has caught me off guard, once again it's about DH.
Last month I was diagnosed with PID. Before this, DH and I did not have a normal sex life. I was lucky if it was twice a month if even, we have gone months before with nothing. Since the diagnosis, DH hasn't said much other than "when's your next appointment?" and has overall been incredibly selfish about this entire thing.
I have walked in on him "pleasuring himself" watching porn on his cell phone at least twice a week. He will wait until he thinks I have left work, then immediately jump on his phone. I went back inside after starting my car (wasn't even out the door three minutes) and he had his d*ck in his hand on the couch. Three other times he stayed up later than I did to play his video game on his phone. I would give up him going to bed with me and go upstairs. I got up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water and saw a "glow' in the living room....walked in and there he is again. Three more times. I brought up how he made me feel like a leper and it's not my fault I have PID and the least he could do is be on my side because god knows I'm frustrated as hell too. He said he was only doing it to make sure he could "perform" when I am better because he says his libido is lower since he is older. He said it's not the women in it, it's the act itself that he likes watching.
Happened three more times. The last time I caught him, I waited until he was in the shower and I snooped on his internet history. He has literally last week alone been watching porn DAILY exactly 10-15 minutes after I leave for work every morning. And it's "step-mom and SS" porn, "SM teaches SS" porn, "SD teaches Step-dad a lesson", ALL of it is "step" related.
I snapped yesterday night and voiced my fear that all of him "online play" will lead to him not being able to perform period without a screen. Which led to him sending me this message after I went to bed alone again: "if sex can make men marry you, all prostitutes would be married. A man stays where he's well loved, not where he's well sexed #sexdontkeepme"
Seriously??? That's like saying 'I can do whatever I want, as long as I'm still coming home to you, shut up"
He even went as far as saying "you need counseling for this or you are going to destroy us" and "I'm a guy, get over it".
Is DAILY porn "normal'??? And WTF is with all the "step-mom" videos???? IS THIS NORMAL?? God I'm about to take out a personal loan just to GTFOH
This wouldn't be so bad if he
1. showed me regular affection. Hugs, cuddles, etc
2. didn't do this daily.
3. come home in a good mood, tell me "lets watch a movie and cuddle after I take a shower"....then goes and gets a beer, gets distracted on his phone, starts playing his game, doens't shower, I don't exist, I go to bed. I shouldn't have to beg my husband for attention. This wasn't an issue when we were dating.
Edited to add: the twice a month thing has probably been going on only a year and a half and it isn't from my lack of trying. Despite the pain I am still willing, DH isn't. He used to say it was because he was older than me and my libido was higher, but I find that hard to agree with since he has no issues by himself.
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NOT normal.
NOT normal.
Sweetie, if your plan is to leave, do the minimum you need to keep the peace and GET OUT.
The only way that the
The only way that the frequency (content is not normal) could be considered normal is if he was wanting action from you all the time, and you were constantly saying no.
My DH does this sometimes, but he has a super high drive and I do not. I try to meet somewhere in the middle, but I know that leaves him hanging sometimes. I don't mind if he does this sometimes though, because I know he always trys with me first, and the screen time is a backup plan.
If it's just the act itself
If it's just the act itself that he likes watching, why is it all step related? That is sick.
Has he even tried to be intimate with you in other ways besides intercourse? It's not the only game around.
He's a jerk, plain and simple. A selfish jerk.
no, he doesn't want to cause
no, he doesn't want to cause me pain but is also not willing to do anything else but intercourse. Anything other than intercourse doesn't work for him, I've tried.
I would be inclinded to
I would be inclinded to believe DH gave you the PID, sorry but this reeks of him cheating on you. Also the fact that he's all into the step porn shows a whole other level of ick!
I'll be the (somewhat)
I'll be the (somewhat) dissenting voice.
What makes a marriage different from other relationships is sex and physical intimacy. I would never use sex as a weapon or bargaining chip because that would be like a friend using your personal information or secrets as blackmail.
No one Will ever convince me that sex and physical intimacy isn't important in a marriage. Now, frequency and type varies from marriage to marriage, but it remains an important part - one of THE important distinctions. If sex weren't important, then cheating wouldn't lead to divorce.
We act like sex isn't important because our libido changes, it takes work, we don't feel confident in our self, what feels good changes, we dry out, etc. Many times, instead of taking charge and finding the root cause and improving our sex lives and our physical intimacy, we, as one partner, make the unilateral decision to kill the physical intimacy without putting in the effort to fix it.
So, while your DH has many issues, I can't blame him for watching porn. And I wouldn't shame him for the type of porn that he watches, unless it's violent. The SM/SS thing may be more "young guy/older woman" fetish - or cuckholding, or power differential between men and women, etc. Or, there is an actress/actor he likes that participates in mostly that style. I wouldn't take too much heart to it.
Your wanting to cuddle may not meet his physical needs, which is making him disconnect, too. There are plenty of orgasm-inducing activities that don't involve penetration that you could have been participating in that could have met his needs while he, in return, met yours.
The caveat in all of this is that your DH is an arse and you have *several* reasons to not want to be intimate with him. BUT, you can't expect him to not pleasure himself AND expect him to be faithful AND meet your needs while neglecting his. I'm not saying you SHOULD have sex with his nasty-attituded rear end, but you can't be mad that he's taking care of himself, either.
He would be the one
He would be the one suggesting the "cuddling" etc then back out, and as far as meeting his needs using other methods: they don't work. He has never been a BJ guy even before he met me. Any method other than intercourse is effective in getting him started, but he just can't finish that way. Trust me, I've tried. Also, I dont' have an issue with him watching it, it's the daily watching that bothers me as well as the subject matter. I am always the one to initiate it because he doesn't want to hurt me. When I bring up my concerns about our lack of intimacy, he brushes me off and says it doesn't bother him. It isn't from lack of want or trying. Even with the pain I still try.
PID
Stands for pelvic inflammatory disease. How do you think you got it?
unbalance PH level
STD testing came back clean, DH and I have never been with anyone since we've been together. That I can confirm. Dr says its from inbalanced PH levels causing bacteria, not very common but not unheard of. Trust me I went down the "cheating" thought process, despite him being an a$$ sometimes we would never cheat. He has even offered to do any tests the doctor wants if it helps, says he has nothing to hide.
Meh. My DH watching porn has
Meh. My DH watching porn has never been a big problem for me. I think the whole “step” porn is really creepy. I think he’s ashamed you caught him and feels guilty so he’s gas-lighting you with the therapy and Drs appt questions to put it back on you like you are the one who caused this problem. It’s not you, it’s him. Y’all have different libido levels; I’d say the faster you both have an open honest discussion about it, y’all will stop throwing jabs out of guilt at one another.
I should probably add that
I should probably add that before the three year pain started we usually averaged 3+ times a week. It started declining when he changed jobs (crazy hours) and then I was lucky if it was once a week. The twice a month thing has probably been within the last year and a half and it hasn't been from my lack of trying. He just won't initiate anymore. He seems to only have a libido with his phone.
Well if he has his dick in
Well if he has his dick in his hands any time he has a spare 10 minutes and he isn't washing himself, he could still be the reason you have been infected and in pain.
Farking hell....
He's usually pretty good about washing before we do anything but I don't know his washing method. Maybe if he used his body wash it messed with my PH levels and my defective body made it's own bacteria?? At this point nothing is surprising me anymore. It's like the older I get the more my body tries to kill me. I never had these issues in my twenties.
I see this as a symptom of a
I see this as a symptom of a much bigger problem within your marriage. From your posts, it’s pretty obvious he’s not a good partner for you, and your marriage has been rocky for a while. It makes sense, then, that your sex life has gone downhill as well. Trying to focus on or fix your sex life would be like putting a bandaid on a bullet hole.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he did give you the PID. I know you’ve said adamantly that he couldn’t have, but I’m not convinced.
I’m not against porn in small or moderate amounts. I know my DH watches it on occasion & it doesn’t bother me, but what you’re describing is different. If DH was choosing porn over me I would be assuming he was cheating and/or our marriage was over. Like I said, this is a symptom of a much bigger problem.
I’m really happy to hear you’re saving money & are planning your escape. You deserve much better than this, and frankly, with all the stress you have in your life as it is, you don’t deserve stress at home as well. No one does, but you’re getting it from every angle & I can’t imagine how draining that is. Getting away from this total loser will be a definite step in the right direction.
Wait, I'm confused. You have
Wait, I'm confused. You have PID, so you can't have intercourse, I get that. But there are other kinds of sexual activity, so why aren't you guys engaging in that?
Are you expecting him to wait months for you to feel better without any kind of sexual activity, even solo? Or are you just upset that he's looking at porn?
ETA: Sorry, I should read through before I respond.
SD teaches step dad a lesson?
SD teaches step dad a lesson? I hope you dont have a daughter. It's very weird the kind of porn he's watching. Watching porn is normal but i dont like what he's watching considering you are a step family.
I had a boyfriend for 4 yrs and he watched a lot of porn after we stopped having sex...it wasnt for health reasons i just went off birth control because the depo shot didnt agree with my body and quite honestly I didnt like him anymore. I thought he'd break up with me if I stopped having sex...nope, watched porn on a computer he shared with my middle school aged children. Dum ass