relationship ended - I am so sad
My dh divorced me on May 5th. We had been in a relationship for approximately 25 years. He chose his 47ds over me. His ds called everyday several times a day. In all the time we have been together we had only been on one overnight trip where his ds did not call constantly wanting attention and interrupting our time together.
My ex refused to put boundaries. We ended up in divorce because I was to leave to visit my mother and my Dh chose to hangout with his ds instead of spending the day before I left with me. I was leaving early the next morning and that would be the last time we would see each other until I came back. His DS had been calling everyday and for several days had been asking to spend time with his DF and everyday I would hear my DH say wait until my DW leaves then we can spend all day together.
The day before I left, my dh caved in. I came down to have my morning coffee and dh was gone. My heart dropped to the floor in disappointment. I voiced my disappointment when my dh got home and he got angry at me. He had always been quite defensive and protective of his ds. The following morning I received a very angry email from my DH and he became relentless in the very negative emails he continued to send.
I finally confessed to not liking how his ds treated me, shunning me and ignoring me and I also confessed of not liking how my dh allowed the rude behavior from his ds to me and that he never said or did anything to stop it. My ex then read it as I had animosity towards his son and so he proceeded to divorce me.
I came back for the divorce and I am in the house with my ex as I am looking for a room to rent elsewhere. It is so hard to find a place. I am scheduled to see a room tomorrow and more than likely it will be fine for my needs.
I am still basically still in shock of the entire thing. He was/is so angry at me for expressing my views about his ds. He wanted to waive the waiting period for the divorce and it only took a little over month to get divorced My heart is broken. All this because of a 47 years male who always wants his daddy’s and mommy’s attention and who shunned me, raised his voice to me, let doors close on me. My ex, a guilty daddy, who refused to put boundaries.
I cannot believe that his manchild won and got his daddy to himself. I cannot believe that I have lived my life with a man who was not able to prioritize me and our relationship. Like others, it had been years of step-hell. I had gone to therapy to deal with the situation for years. Nothing really helped as the only one who could change things was my DH and he refused.
I still love my ex and he just found out a week ago that he had a stroke, not that long ago, and that as result one eye is now mostly blind. Each morning that I wake up is so hard emotionally, then the phone calls start from his ds and it gets even harder realizing that this selfish adult refused to let his df have his own life. Such dysfunction.
My ex says that he will end up a lonely old man sitting on a bench. He knows it and still he lets his DS continue with his behavior. To top it off, my ex blames me for our marriage failing. According to him, I should have accepted his ds behavior, to do so would have shown my ex that I accepted his ds. I am so confused and so sad. I guess what I am asking for is emotional support.
enuf, I am also in my later
enuf, I am also in my later years. My divorce will be final in June. Same issues, enmeshed adult skids (in my case SDs) and DH wouldn't or couldn't change his own interactions.
I was initially sad and depressed not knowing what my old age will be like now...having to navigate it alone financially and not having a partner to enjoy these years.
The toughest part was when we were both in the house, but the papers were filed. Once he left, the stress and anxiety lifted and even though I was (am) still loney and depressed, there is peace now.
Had to leave mid post due to a fire alarm.
Anyway once you are no longer living with him, you will be able to breathe. Take some deep breaths and figure out what gives you peace/makes you happy, even if it is something small (like not having to cook dinner for the a hole) each day. One step after another- some days will be good, some will be bad, some will be awful. But, eventually you will feel better and I am betting your life will be MUCH improved.
If you see him living on a park bench, kick him hard and keep walking.
I hope you took him for a decent financial split. Is it his house from before your marriage? Why he is not the one to leave?
If you haven't done so, go update your will, ASAP.
Keep coming back here for the hugs.
Enuf, I am so sorry to hear
Enuf, I am so sorry to hear that your DH failed you, and you are being punished for something that is not at all your fault. Ask the average woman if they could have endured this for 25 years. You know what the answer would be. You are to be commended for not backing down as far as your expectations for your DH to make you his top priority as it should have been. Your ex is weak and, in turn has made is son a social cripple. Sad.
As Gimlet wrote, this is a blessing in disguise. Naturally, you will be sad for a while but eventually you will blossom into the woman you have been held back from being. You deserve better. Go forth and take in the beauty of yourself.
Oh, enuf, I'm so sorry!!
Oh, enuf, I'm so sorry!! {{{{HUGS}}}
You are NOT to blame for you divorce. I hope that you know that. It must be difficult to grieve the end of the marriage and begin healing when you're still sharing a house with your horrible ex.
IF you are still speaking to him and he mentions that being an old man alone on a bench, let him know his craptastic son won't ever leave him alone.
{{{HUGS}}}
It is so hard. The hardest
It is so hard. The hardest being that my dh did not love me. How could I have been so dillusional. I am also scared and feeling quite lonely and unlovable. I also feel abandoned. I know that those are normal feelings for the end of a relationship. I am trying so hard not to put myself down. Thinking that I should risen about ss47 behavior, why did I give him so much power to affect my feelings for so long. Of course, my ex thinks that I was jealous. But I was not, it was ss behavior towards me. Why would my ex not see the behavior, or when he did, just ignore it and then blame it on me and jealously.
The other thing is that my reaction to DH during this was very different than I had ever acted. When he told me to be home within the week or he was filing for divorce. Not only that, when I got home I needed to agree to seek more intensive therapy to deal with the issues regarding his son, be a stricter budget and other terms. I refused. I did not plead with him as he expected me to. I just said you need to do what you need to do. So he filed. When he said he wanted it over quickly, I said okay, instead of asking him not to do it. I just said okay to his declarations and stepped aside. I think he thought that I would fly home immediately and do what he asked. My behavior also took him by surprise. Instead of doing what he wanted me to do to keep the relationship going. I just stopped. I do not know why I reacted the way I did. I just stopped doing everything in my power to please him in order to keep our marriage intact. I just stopped!
It is crazy, now I think that I should have do everything to keep my marriage intact.
Maybe your subconscious went
Maybe your subconscious went into survival mode - like, fight or flight. You decided to stop fighting. After all, what would you win? A husband who manipulated you and a skid who was horrid to you.
The marriage was NOT
The marriage was NOT 'intact'. By threatening you to be home within a week or he would be filing for divorce is NOT something a marriage partner would say to the other if the marriage was 'intact'. The only thing your ex has that is 'intact' is his relationship with his son - but in a sick way. The reason you finally stopped trying to lease your ex is because you were thoroughly over-saturated with the emotional abuse your ex was handing out to you on a regular basis.
Please write "I am free!" and place it in a spot you will see it often. You did the right thing.
Well, it is clear he stepped
Well, it is clear he stepped over your line in the sand (even if you did not realize you had one).
Did he always just give you ultimatums? The most egregious one was demanding you seek therapy to deal with his dysfunctional son.
You have every right to take issue with a 40-something year old that wouldn't leave daddy alone. DH and his son are the ones with issues and who need intensive therapy. You were not jealous- you just innately knew that adults do not cling to their parents, especially not middle age ones.
You are much better off without DH. You just do not see it, yet.
You are lovable! You deserve someone who loves you and someone who is psychologically healthy. Your DH is not.
I feel your heartbreak and am
I feel your heartbreak and am so sorry this has happened to you. I haven't been following the message board in several months, so I am out of the loop in your case.
My advice is always to reconcile, if your DH is willing, and maybe it will take some time, but he could eventually have time to start cherishing what you had, and realize he made a mistake.
I asked my own DH after our recent fight, do you want to escalate this fight or de-escalate it? If only people would learn how to de-escalate. Naturally it involved his 36 year old daughter.
Divorce is never a good thing, and I pray that none of you will ever have to go through that again.
My advice to you now is to lean on The One that will never leave or forsake you.
It is funny, a couple of days
It is funny, a couple of days ago he complained that his DS is always wanting to spend time with him and he is not his "buddy", and that his ds is not doing what he needs to do to develop a social circle. He is his father. But as soon as the phone rings and his DS wants to hang out there he runs. His DS does not have friends, he is horrid to be around always complaining, cranky, a chip on his shoulder type of person. My ex decided to join a gym to get his ds to get some exercise as he is unhealthy in terms of his weight, as is my ex. They were walking the indoor walkway and someone barely touched SS as he walked by. SS started swearing and complaining because of this. My ex was embarrassed. He is now looking for a new car for his ds because his ds complains that his car is not comfortable for him. He drives a Spyder and wants an SUV.
I wonder how the news of the Stroke is going to affect my EX especially with the money that he has. He had me sign a document that I would not contest his Will when we married as he is living everything to his DS. He gave his DS over a matter of years $250,000 so that his DS would have money in his retirement. DS spent it all in a few years due to alcoholism. EX believes that his ds has been sober for one year and is leaving him all his money again. Now that he just found out he had a stroke I wonder how his perspective will change if at all.
Ex said it is the worst month in his life as he divorced me and heard the news of the stroke in May. He told me before the news of the Stroke he wants me out by Jun 1st so that he can get on with his life. Now he changed it to "he will not kick me out if I do not find a place by then. He insists on bringing me my coffee first thing in the morning and sometimes makes me food to eat. Buys me special treats. I am so confused by all this. Has anyone ever experienced an ex treating you this way immediately after a divorce?
Yes I have. I believe he is
Yes I have. I believe he is trying to appease his guilt over divorcing you.
Being sad, lonely, depressed
Being sad, lonely, depressed is part of the process. It will only last awhile until you find your life filled with more important things to do, people to know and places to go.
Had you remained, you would FOREVER be sad, lonely, depressed. Some of the loneliest times I had in my life was sitting right next to my husband at the time.
Go out and find others like yourself and keep busy. One of the best ways to make yourself feel better is to do good for others - others who appreciate it, unlike your SD and exH. Find some sort of volunteer or community service for those in need, and watch how much that will help you heal!
Set yourself up so that you are financially self-supporting, even if it means getting a room with other women/people. There are lots of communities where you can find three or four "Golden Girls" who share a nice home,look out for each other, cook, travel and have FUN. Isn't that a much better prospective than the rest of your life in gloom with this dysfunctional duo?
I don't mean to be funny about his eyesight, but your DH will eventually see 20-20 in hindsight. That may already be happening now. Be careful of him having second thoughts and regrets, and coming back to you to reconcile. Once he gets you back, the old routine and behaviors will settle back in. You will find yourself in the same situation, but without any kind of legal recourse or rights as his wife.
You will be fine. Light always gives way to the darkness.
And to your most recent
And to your most recent comment, YES! My ex was the most pleasant once I had filed all the paperwork - I don't think he thought I'd go through with it. It is confusing to see someone treat you the way you always wanted him to treat you, but don't be swayed. That behavior doesn't always last. It could be a tactic to just get you to stay.
I am so sorry that this man
I am so sorry that this man put you thru such hell ALL bc of some 47 year old man-child! They have a sick relationship, he essentially treats SS as if he were his wife, caters to his needs, cares more about making him happy than you etc. All things a husband should be doing for his WIFE, not a middle aged child.
I agree that you are much better off, you deserve a heck of alot better than this man has ever given you. You did the right thing by NOT giving in to his selfish demands.
If my DH acts anything close to the bs your XDH put you thru after his kid is an adult who should be off living his own life...I will be kicking his ass OUT of my house and my life...period.
I wish you the best with your new life!
I am so very sorry, enuf!
I am so very sorry, enuf! Sending a hug...<3. However, you deserve FAR better! I know the feeling as DH treats my SD more as his wife and me, the child. We are in therapy now---so, we will see. You deserve respect, love and independence.
We all come to our tolerance point. You've reached yours and, although you will feel some grief for the relationship you THOUGHT you had, it will soon become clear that you did all the giving and, in return, you were emotionally abused.
I wish you comfort, peace and a wonderful life. We all emotionally support you here.
I played it differently
I played it differently during the argument and the escalation that led to divorce. He had already filed for divorce 3 times during our time together. Always over his ds and we had reconciled due to my willingness to try to mend our relationship. The first time he filed we were on vacation and his ds was calling morning till night time complaining about his date's family always calling her when they were on a date. He did not like it. Which is the same thing he does to us, always calling. Anyway, this is the only time I called my ss a name to his father. Frustrated, as we were in a beautiful hotel room and my dh was spending more time with his ds on the phone than with me. I had had it, and said that his ds "was acting like a baby, because he was doing the same thing to us." That did it, my dh looked at me and told me he hated me and was going to divorce me when we got home. When we got home he filed for divorce.
This last time, I told him I thought that it was quite sad that he was going to file for divorce. However, I wanted him to be happy, so I would just follow his lead. Furthermore, if he wanted to divorce me, he had my blessing and because I wanted him to be happy and that I wished him the life he wished for even if it was without me.
I just got tired of the routine of him bellowing he was going to divorce me and me trying so hard to keep my marriage intact. I just let the chips fall where they did without trying to save my marriage, or trying to manipulate the situation so that we remained married, or giving up on having integrity to try to please him. I just stopped.
It has been so sad to just let things be. He had been quite mean in what he did, his true colors showed and to think that I was his wife and because of his ds he did what he did to me. I trusted him and I will never in my entire life be able to trust him again. He left me with very little money and a car that is 10 years old and he has millions. He won the divorce as I refused to contest it. I know that was dumb, but I did not have money for an attorney and I really needed to see for myself what I meant to him monetarily, more than that, I was just done! He got his divorce, but with it he got a stroke, what are the odds of that? I also think that he now thinking that he made a big mistake in divorcing me. He looks so unhappy and miserable, he said today that he is de-spirited. I now smile when I hear the phone ring and it is his ds. He has called 5 times today.
Tomorrow I have an appointment to see a room that is waterfront with a bird sanctuary right next to it. I pray that the listing is legitimate as I truly need a miracle at this time. He is trying to talk me out of it.
Good luck to you, enuf. I
Good luck to you, enuf. I sincerely hope this room will be a warm and welcome place for you to live.
You say he is trying to talk you out of it. You both need space from each other to think on your own. He has threatened and gone through with filing for divorce three times before this. He has held you hostage with it. If you DO go back to him there must be boundaries that are understood and accepted by him. One, that he can never emotionally threaten you again. Two, that his son will limit his calls to once a day. Three, there will be a contract drawn up that in case of divorce you will be given a set amount of funds to pay for your move.
To be honest, why would you want to go back to a man who disrespects you so much? You are finally believing you are worthy of decent treatment from your DH. Please find a counselor for yourself so that you will be able to move on to a better life.
I've read every post here; I
I've read every post here; I am very sorry for you. I have been thru this type of ordeal, just one year ago. I kicked my DH to SD56's house for a few weeks, via Law Enforcement assistance. DH filed for divorce and I also saw all of his true colors. Everyone's situation is different in property, $$$$, feelings for each other, on and on.... With all of that said, my mind and body just stopped, such as you did. I guess I had enough and didn't even realize it. I love my DH, so I was grieving also; I never wanted DH to know how mad I was at him.
I told my DH, if you want a divorce and want to live and lead your life with SD56 and her family, you will get your divorce. After a controlled separation, thru Court orders that I initiated; we were able to do some clear thinking. We were unable to see or talk for several weeks, until I requested the Court orders were lifted; then I stayed away and let DH come to me.
DH wanted to move back home, because "he was more comfortable in his own home". We sat down and I told him I was going to buy my own home, he was going to pay for it, I would not take my name off of our existing property, and his name would be added to the home I move into. We would live separate and go forward with our private lives. He didn't want to spend the $$$$$, didn't want me to have my "private" life, and decided with several more discussions, and staying away for longer, that he could live with the boundaries I had set for myself concerning SD56. I made no boundaries concerning DH and SD, just for myself and SD. DH does and always has handled his relationship, with his kids, the way he wished; but I no longer wanted to be involved or feel guilty for choosing to stay away from SD56.
It has been a rough year; we love each other and have been married 36 years. DH had a very difficult time accepting my boundaries; he is doing much better with time and I am taking it one event at a time. I know I will have to be around SD56 on emergency situations.
One thing I HAD to do; I had to let it all go in the past. I also had turned everything concerning grown Skids over to DH, even phone calls, gifts, etc.
SD56 is dead in my mind and very much alive in DH's life. It doesn't bother me, as long as she leaves me alone. DH told her to leave me alone, don't call me, don't do social media with me; she has stayed away from me most of the time and it is much, much better. My DH pouts and has his down days, concerning SD56. It is his problem, and I refuse to make it my problem any longer.
Just telling you this, because sometimes you just have to step away and set boundaries and stick to them no matter what it cost. I do not trust my DH where SD is concerned; our marriage has changed. I have accepted this change in our lives, as if it were a death and I need to move forward from here. I am learning to live in the moment; I do not look back and I try not to worry about the future.
It is very depressing and hurtful. My ((((hugs)))) to you; you will get thru this. We are always here for you.
sammigirl...your story moved
sammigirl...your story moved me too.
Im curious...how did you handle SD56 when she got married, had children (hence grandchildren) and the expectation of them wanting to be a part of your Dh's life? Were you pushed aside or did you feel you had to just suck it up and let them do what ever they want?
Stormyweather: My SD and I
Stormyweather: My SD and I were on good terms, until 14 years ago, when SD and SIL moved to the same town. I believe when SD56 witnessed how happy DH and I were, SD began undermining me; I worked full time, long hours, and didn't realize, until 1 1/2 years ago, what actually was going on between SD and DH. DH has been disabled for 30 years and has not worked for 30 years. I have always worked, so it was no problem for me to continue, so we could have health insurance and extra income. I retired 6 years ago and love my retirement.
I have always treated my Skids as friends; they were grown when DH and I married 36 years ago. I didn't treat SD any different. I am close to my grown grandchildren, except SGD30 (SD's daughter). DH has always been close to his children and grandchildren; therefore, I never minded them being a very large part of his life. I bent over backwards for 30+ years to have holidays, birthdays, BBQs, hosted camp-outs, etc. I actually enjoyed it until it became apparent something was going on behind my back. The only people that were becoming more and more rude to me was DH, SD, and SGD. They had actually ganged up on me, because SD was so very jealous and was lying to my DH and of course he believed SD and still says she "didn't mean any harm". SD and DH would gossip and people were telling me.
As far as sucking it up; I did do that when I felt necessary; with that said it finally reached a breaking point, when I realized what was going on; SD56 sent me a hate email and threw DH under the bus. I am a giving person and will go the extra mile; but if I am wronged, without reason, I am a very unforgiving person and will never look back.
When I snapped, I went into motion, without even giving it a plan or thought. I never planned any of my actions; I just kicked into self defense mode. My employment for 15 years was in Law Enforcement; therefore, I knew the ropes on how to take action to protect my property, how to stay calm, and I knew a good attorney in town that could help me, at a reasonable cost.
My suggestion to anyone going thru this heartbreak; take it slow and calm. I have more support than I ever believed I would have, including here, on this site.
I set boundaries; one was that SD stay completely away from me and I will stay away from SD. DH has told SD that is my wishes; SD leaves me alone 99% of the time now. I do not, and never will, trust my DH or SD, and I will take the necessary action to keep my life peaceful. Anyone that knows me, understands I will not back off and I will move forward with my life. We are working hard a mending our marriage. My DH understands that he is welcome to join me in my venture; if DH chooses not to join me, it's his loss; he is more than welcome to move back with SD. DH didn't like that arrangement. I live in the moment and am working on leaving it all in the past; but am wary.
Thank you for all your
Thank you for all your re-affirming comments. They help so much especially when I start to feel scared. My world has changed completely. All these emotions are going through me and I am doubting myself. I think maybe if I had honored my DH more and not been so sensitive to my ss actions of shunning me, raising his voice to me etc. things would have been easier. Why did I let this man-child have so much power over my emotions. Why could I not have risen above it all these years? He had been this way since the first day I met him. He won!!
I responded to one of my Dh's email stating that his ds did not do well with dh having a wife, that he was still trying to recreate the "only child" family of just him, his mom and his dad. His mom was able to put boundaries and her life is just wonderful. Her and her husband have a house in Florida and on a lake in CT. They travel around the world frequently. Somehow her ds has not anchored her like he did my ex. I do believe he calls her frequently and also wants to spend everyday with her when she is around, but she does not allow it. My ex has always said that ss is very close to his mother, closer than he is with him. She also mentioned to my Dh that their ds shuns her husbands family. It was only then that my ex admitted that ds did the same thing to us. But when I would point it out he would tell me I was making it up and that it did not happen. Why do these people, ss's mother and father, allow him to keep shunning people and be rude to them?
No matter what I said, it was always my fault and dh would get angry at me if I so much as breathed hard when ss was around, lest ss think that I was sighing at him. I had to watch the tone of my voice when speaking to him. SS would literally turn his chair away from he and just face dh, my dh was okay with that.
I know I am feeling desperate and I need to not feel this way. All these years and my dh ended because of a spoiled child. I am feeling worthless. I know I am not, but it really hurts.
"..maybe if I had honored my
"..maybe if I had honored my DH more and not been so sensitive "
Knock it off. Seriously.
This is the kind of thinking that will get you in trouble. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. You have NOT failed in any way. Stop looking to blame yourself. Not only did your DH not honor YOU as his wife, but he didn't even give you basic respect as a human being.
It's understandable you will have a range of emotions right now. But when you find yourself thinking along these lines, use your inner voice, and speak to yourself to KNOCK IT OFF - and redirect your thoughts to your future.
I guess I am having a weak
I guess I am having a weak moment. I know I need to knock it off. Thank you for saying so. It gives me strength to have others say it as it re-affirms what I need to do.
I have read where others have experienced DH prioritizing skid. It is awful. One of the things I have wondered if I had just stopped tiptoeing around skid in order to keep dh happy I would not have wasted years of stress, anger, and rejection. It is such a fine line between keeping my integrity and trying to show love to Dh by accepting behavior that is unkind and unloving from skid. I wish I could go back and yell "Stop" to me and told SS he was a jerk and just stopped associating with him. But my DH wanted his DS to feel that I cared for him at all costs to me.
I think that is what most of us are experiencing on this forum. We try so hard and yet the skids keep on behaving like they always do and getting what they always want. Moreover, dhs get angry at us if we refuse to be treated in an unkindly way by skids. I could see if these were children, but they are full blown adults and in my case a middle-age man. How awful that the persons we love treat us this way just because they want to make skids happy. I am so angry!
There you go. Get angry!!!!
There you go. Get angry!!!! Anger is far better than sorrow, given this situation.
Listen, life is too damn short to be this damn unhappy. It may not seem like it now but, your DH (di*k husband) just did you a huge favor. Now you are free to live your life with peace of mind, and eventually joy and happiness. Trust me, it will come, and one day you'll ask yourself, why did I stay so long? Sometimes, fear keeps us rooted in bad situations.
Now, take his a$$ to the cleaners! }:)
^^^THIS!!!^^^
^^^THIS!!!^^^
Really for you enuf, and as
Really for you enuf, and as many have said while you are hurting now, in the long run your life will be better without this nonsense.
Please take the advice from what others have said here and ensure you get what you are financially entitled to, go for the max, you deserve it with all the suffering you have endured.
Your husband will be a sad lonely old man, that is his choosing. Don't follow in his footsteps, enrich your life by joining groups, doing activities that you are passionate about and surrounding yourself with good people who value and appreciate you.
Don't grieve this for too long, life is too short, it is time you started enjoying it