SS won I am gone
I left dh because he chose to prioritize being a hang out buddy for his ds47 who called our home sometimes several times a day for years asking his df to hang out with him. If I said anything about the calls or dh hanging out with his ds. My dh would yell, shun, shut himself off and he has filed for divorce twice because of it.
I left on the 6th and did not feel any remorse or even sadness about ending our relationship. It felt quite odd to be feeling nothing even as dh drove me to airport. I thought I would be angry, sad or disappointed. I kissed him and hugged him goodbye. Likewise, he did not show any emotion.
What I am feeling now is humiliation for having tolerated what I did and knowing that I hardly mattered to dh as he just put his ds above me to the point of not caring whether I stayed or left.
I do not know why I did not end the marriage when on our first day as husband & wife ss wanted my dh to spend the day with him and dh did. What perpetuated this final fiasco is that I was flying off to visit my mother a few months ago and the day before I left ss want my dh to spend the day with him and dh did. Instead of thinking that it would be nice to spend it with me since I would be gone. He and his ds had everyday, 24 hours a day, after a I left to spend with each other.
I am shocked that I stayed with a man this long (26 years )and did not see how little I mattered to him. I thought he loved me and cared about me. The reality was that he did not. I could see if his ds had emergencies that dh needed to attend too and therefore prioritized ss emotional needs. But that wasn't the case. It was that ss just wanted his daddy to hang out with.
What next? How do I deal with the feeling of humiliation?
I'm not sure why you feel
I'm not sure why you feel humiliation. You have done nothing but try to support a family. Your self-worth DID take a beating, but you have ended the situation. Bravo, say I. It takes great strength to walk away from what you know.
Instead of worrying about humiliation, set about asking yourself what you want to do, now you've shut the door on what was a very difficult part of your life.
Travel? Set up a new business?
The path is cleared. You get to decide everything that happens from this point onward. You will be an inspiration to many here who are in the position you were. Do things that scare you, say "yes" to every invitation.
I'm so excited for you, it sounds like you can really begin to taste life after a long time of being denied.
And....if you do slip into feeling humiliated, it sounds like DXH should not rob a drop more of your precious time on this Earth.
I'd love to hear of what exciting plans you are making.
I hope you got a lawyer. Live
I hope you got a lawyer. Live your life doing what you want to do! Go where you are celebrated instead of ignored!
Enuf, There is more than one
Enuf, There is more than one reason why you feel humiliated. You saw a problem the day of your wedding but regret waiting 25 years to take action. Please know you are not alone! Most of us SMs (me included) are filled with so much hope at the beginning of a marriage that we think everything will, with time, turn out for the best. The next time you look in the mirror tell yourself how brave you were to finally break away from your DH's manipulative gas lighting which made you constantly question your reasoning for so long. Congratulate yourself. You DID it!!!
You may not matter to your DH who devalued you but you DO matter to several other people. Make a list of these people and what they do to make you feel that you are a valuable person to them.
Firstly, mourn the death of your marriage and your fruitless efforts. Allow a certain time for the pain to fully come out. THEN, have a 'celebration which may or may not include the people in your life who care. This could take the form of a mock funeral of your marriage. Maybe make a copy of your marriage certificate (you may need the original for claiming benefits) and have a burning ceremony. Visualize DH in whatever mode of travel that he uses, driving off in the sunset, then seeing your future coming to you in the sunrise. This will be a wonderful future because you are not going to waste another day of your life. You ARE important!
One site might help: http://www.wikihow.com/Forget-About-an-Humiliating-Experience
And please keep posting on this site. You never know who really needs your help to get out of the same type of abusive situation that you have lived through. You can show them there IS a light at the end of the tunnel!
The very best wishes and (((HUGS)))
Sorry --- repeat.
Sorry --- repeat.
I really appreciate the above
I really appreciate the above posts. It helps as I can go back and reread them when I am feeling a little down or confused. The leaving was just so strange. I was so used to the gaslighting, his drama, and the put downs, that was what I expected his behavior was going to be a couple of days before I left. He refused to discuss anything for the month that I was there getting my things together and shipped etc.
He said that he preferred to communicate with me by e-mail regarding and that is what he did even while I was there. He would send me an email letting me know household details that he could have easily said to me in 2 short sentences. He also had his ds over when I was there. This I thought was passive aggressive on his part. But I departed before I could set my eyes on this man-child.
Then it was if he was dropping me off the grocery store when he dropped me of at the airport. I have not heard from him since and I have not contacted him. It is odd thinking "the end" and that I may never see him or talk to him ever again. All because he could not say "no" and refused to put boundaries on his ds.
You posted one of his emails
You posted one of his emails a while ago and it was odd to say the least. His attitude toward you in the email was reminiscent of the definitions I've read of passive-aggresiveness. Anyone who has to send an email instead of uttering two short sentences DEFINITLEY has a communication problem. He may think by shunning you and making you feel de-valued that he was being strong. He over-rated his importance and intelligence but unrated yours. He would would have never placed boundaries because he is always right. He is a very weak man! You are SO smart and strong for what you have accomplished!
Yes, the email preference is
Yes, the email preference is weird as he is a retired professor who loved the sound of his voice. He is a talker and is very quick to give his opinions. He would sit for hours and talk to me about world events as if I was a student and he was the professor. I would just let him ramble as I thought he needed to talk so I would just let him go on while I sipped my coffee. I was surprised that when communicating with me he suddenly preferred emails. I have no clue where that came from or why.
Honestly I think you're the
Honestly I think you're the one who won. You get a new life, fresh start and are leaving behind a ton of baggage. What does DH win? He gets ss and ss gets him, oh goody for them. They're both waiting for DH to keel over so ss can be a rich man. What an awful relationship. They truly deserve each other. You're lucky to be out of their sick drama.
Be proud of yourself for having the courage to leave. Better late than never, some women never make it out.
Bravo to you! You did the
Bravo to you! You did the right thing. Your new life begins now. Your DH will recognize his mistakes in time - maybe - but it will be too late.
Be selfish now and put yourself first. You will need time to heal and recover from this emotional abuse.
Take care.
The one who won is you. It is
The one who won is you. It is normal to feel humiliated by the bad stuff we put up with in relationships. I cringe when I think about some of the stuff I put up with from my ex boyfriend. Ex being the operative word lol. Now you have a chance to live YOUR life.
Don't get into another relationship until you figure things out. I think most of the time the problem is not the 'step family' thing per se but just that the man in question is a jerk. Most of the DH's on this board would still be jerks even if they did not have kids from a previous relationship.
In my case my dh sees himself
In my case my dh sees himself as an alpha male and I wonder if he will ever realize how much under ss's thumb he is. Ss dominates the conversation, who will be talked too and who will be ignored when he is around, he dominated how our vacations would go depending on the drama ss hurled onto dh. Moreover, he was always trying to con my dh into getting him things. For months he wanted a new car so he would walk into our home holding his arm up and he would hold up the entire time he was over complaining that his arm hurt because his car was to small for him. He has a spyder convertible, but now he wants a SUV. As soon as dh went to the bathroom he would put is arm down. I would laugh as DH has always told me that his ds has never lied to him.
I know that I need to let go of these thoughts as I will never be around him. But I wonder why do we put up with so much sh*t to try to smooth the waters. Why is it that these sk can do so much, be given so much money, vacations, clothes etc, have all the time they want with sd or sm and basically be treated like royalty when they are pieces of sh*t and behave like morons with brains the size of peas. What are we doing wrong? Why are we not treated that way?
In my case my dh sees himself
In my case my dh sees himself as an alpha male and I wonder if he will ever realize how much under ss's thumb he is. Ss dominates the conversation, who will be talked too and who will be ignored when he is around, he dominated how our vacations would go depending on the drama ss hurled onto dh. Moreover, he was always trying to con my dh into getting him things. For months he wanted a new car so he would walk into our home holding his arm up and he would hold up the entire time he was over complaining that his arm hurt because his car was to small for him. He has a spyder convertible, but now he wants a SUV. As soon as dh went to the bathroom he would put is arm down. I would laugh as DH has always told me that his ds has never lied to him.
I know that I need to let go of these thoughts as I will never be around him. But I wonder why do we put up with so much sh*t to try to smooth the waters. Why is it that these sk can do so much, be given so much money, vacations, clothes etc, have all the time they want with sd or sm and basically be treated like royalty when they are pieces of sh*t and behave like morons with brains the size of peas. What are we doing wrong? Why are we not treated that way?
"I wonder why do we put up
"I wonder why do we put up with so much sh*t to try to smooth the waters." I did that too, Enuf. After 20 years of putting up with SD's abusive behavior and DH's sacrificing our marriage to please her, I was left with the same question. Seeking someone's approval for THAT long?!! Really seemed absurd to me. The good news is that these questions will soon pass - and they will be replaced by a strong sense of relief that you got out of the mess. It has been 5 years since I've been around SD. Now I don't ask myself why I put up with it for so long. Instead,I am more resolved than ever to NEVER put up with it again.