New and need to vent
This may be long but I have nobody else to talk to.
I've been married for 2 years. Together we have an 19 month old and a 5 month old. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. Basically, bio mom tried to trap him by having a child was a drug addict in n out of jail lost all custody(lucky me). So when I first met the kid I never thought anything of it bc at the time we were not living together so when I was around I just assumed it was bc "company" was over. And what I mean by that is this kid never did homework around me I just assumed she got away with it on a day I'd be over but no that's not the case. At this time she was 6. Then we moved in summer vacation started so it still took awhile to see that this child now 7 is completely behind. But I will get back to that in a minute. So it's summer and I take on the role of a friggin babysitter. Kids annoying in her own way she by no means throws tantrums or acts rude she does it in her own way. Examples would be its 100 degrees outside and she purposely will dress in winter gloves and a sweater or dress in something that does not match. She did this the whole summer while her dad was at work. We would order a pizza and she would literally eat the whole pizza and not share(big girl for her age, still is).She did this with any food and this right here is when I shoulda ran for the hills. Her dad literally said once she did not have to share when she finished up all the lunch so I couldn't get any seconds(mind you I was pregnant at the time). So that went on all summer food hogging dressing extremely inappropriate for the weather oh and blasting "let it go" over and over bc she thought I would crack. Now back to where I left off with academics, school starts and like right before it does I tell her let's brush up on our alphabet. Kid had no idea. Literally had no idea how the alphabet went let alone the letters. She's 7 going into second grade. School starts she can't read either. I had my first child and was still able to help step daughter with homework but DH NEVER CARED. Always says how can she do it if she can't read or write. Nothing got better I seemed to be the only one caring. Her own mother or father could care less.
Anyway, flash forward to end of that school year we move to a new district I tried my hardest to have her left back but nobody listened. I swore I will not go through homework like I did that year with her again with TWO babies. She is now 8 starting 3rd grade. THIS school finally realizes she is like a first grader and put her in special Ed. Her parents still DO NOT CARE!! If she doesn't want to do homework she doesn't have to do homework. If she doesn't want to wear her school uniform she won't! She has no structure whatsoever. She does nothing but add extra stress to my life. Her voice drives me absolutely insane bc now she is 9 years old talking like a baby, carries her "Dolly's" around drinks out of her "sippy cup" I mean it's absolutely ridiculous! Mind you she is 100+ lbs so it's not like a little 9 year old that looks younger and who can maybe get away with it.
Now you might say well this isn't bad but I haven't even gotten to how she acts around my 19 month old. I've caught her tripping her, her dad didn't believe me. I caught her spraying febreeze on my daughters pictures, still didn't believe me, ive found scratches on my daughter that she doesn't know how they got there, when I FaceTime with family members they've see her push my kid I could go on and on. Even on things I've caught her red handed she lies! She never does things where she can't lie about it not looking how I saw. For example when she tripped my daughter she said she was stopping her from falling. DH BELIEVED HER!
She eats me out of house and home she's a little lying manipulating brat I cannot stand her! I am so miserable with her in my house. When she's at her moms it's a night and day difference. The energy in the house are so polar opposites. DH always blames it on her traumatizing life but u know what that story is getting so damn old we've all had hard lives. When it comes to her he is so freaking blind but everyone else sees it but him. I am living in hell with her! I wish she would go live with her mom who by the way totally encourages the babying her.
Had to vent!
No he wouldn't be home when
No he wouldn't be home when she ate the pizza. I was A LOT nicer back then if she pulled that crap now forget about it
Yeah but here's the thing he's MUCH stricter with my kids but let's this one get away with everything. I don't know why she's so special
Your DH is a worthless ass.
Your DH is a worthless ass. Enjoy him. :jawdrop:
What a rotten situation. I
What a rotten situation. I have a 2.5 year old and a 11 month old, so I empathize with the struggle of two young ones in and of itself.
So, you're dealing with a child who obviously needs some sort of help. Your DH is dismissive of your concerns regarding what his daughter is doing to the toddler AND he's on the defense - ready to play the "she's had a rough life" card. I hate to be so pessimistic, but it seems like a hopeless deal you've been dealt. I'd really think long and hard what you want for yourself, your children. It seems it would take a miracle for your situation to turnaround into a healthy one.
A "come to Jesus" talk with DH is in order. If he's not having it, perhaps it's time to leave. You deserve to be happy.
I definitely stepped back
I definitely stepped back tremendously! No I don't allow her to eat like that. So when he's not home she doesn't. When he's home he'll say something ridiculous like "she's hungry let her eat!" Or "she's a growing girl!" My kids will not be allowed to do that. My 1 year old is allowed ONE sweet in a day if that. However, my concern is eventually she's going to see her step kid eat all this junk and want to follow
I'm sorry, I deal with a
I'm sorry, I deal with a super annoying loud, stingy SD as well, at least she has a conscience and wouldn't ever hurt her younger siblings, other than they get into sqabbles like most siblings do, only because early on I threatened DH with CPS, and possible divorce when my babies were young (he was allowing that abuse crap from Sd to go on too), and had a serious wake up call when I told people we knew about it, and they would offer to watch my kids for me, so he wouldn't be alone with them.
I think you need to start letting her make her own choices on what to wear, let her roast in her mittens in the summer, let her wear what she wants to school (she will get teased). Don't argue, just say OK. Take her radio out of her room if it's too loud, Buy more food when she's there and let her pig out... Not your problem she over indulges, DH should be on top of that. My SD has a closet full of cheap junk food I would never let my kids eat, but DH doesn't mind if SD eats it, and at least it keeps her from hogging all the expensive nutritious snacks my kids are only allowed to eat in small quantities, or from hogging the entire pizza (she'll do that too, except she has eaten it all before anyone else could have a piece). Our kids have to finish their meals before they can eat snacks. They can't just dump food in the trash and ask their dad for a snack, like SD. Nor are they allowed to eat an entire box of snacks in one day, but all she has to do is ask DH and he'll let her.
I suggest you start to plan events with just you and your kids, while DH has daddy daughter time, so you can get away for awhile. I wouldn't leave my 19 month old alone with her and DH and SD, until you can be sure he puts you baby's well being over SDs feelings. I also take a 2 week long vacation to see my family without DH and SD every year, sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Bc it's just her that's put
Bc it's just her that's put on a pedalstool. My kids(not the 5 month old) so just the 19 month old(for now) gets reprimanded and disciplined where's his daughter doesnt
This sucks and I am sorry.
This sucks and I am sorry. Children who have structure and authoritative parents (high level of control and warmth) are more successful in life than those who have passive parents. You are authoritative and you expect the best from your children and even SD, but you are dealing with you DH and BM who are passive this is not a great thing and I can see why it is annoying, but they are the ones that are raising this child to fail in a cruel world... I hope that doesn't sound horrible, but it is true. I think that as time passes you 2 younger ones will be successful and the SD will be relying on her BM and DH. i also found it interesting that you said the BM is a drug addict... am I right? I found that with one parent (biological) being troubled, that it seems to be passed down in genetics or learned behavior. Feel sorry for the SD because she is going to have a hard time with life and you are not to be blamed for it, it is the DH and the BM. i know it is unfair for you younger kids but they will only grow stronger from this experience. Everyone is right though this is in the hands of your husband! he is enabling her to grow up to have a hard life. I am not sure, but maybe sharing your concerns with him in a calm matter can help... seriously look up some proven facts that passive parenting isn't the best. Another note I would like to add is that if all is well you guys need to formulate a plan together to have the same expectations from the kids that meaning the 2 younger ones and the SD, because there needs to be standard because the younger ones will grow up resenting your husband and the SD or/and you. You and your husband are a team there needs to be understanding, trust, and respect... I hope this helps a bit. I think that even though the SD is annoying and such I think you really care but you need to get your husb.and involved to make the SD's life better for you, the younger ones, and for herself (SD)
I have a masters degree. I
I have a masters degree. I put everything on hold to have children for the time being...
Just bc I use internet slang
Just bc I use internet slang when on a message does not make me illiterate.
Yeah autocorrect, I saw that
Yeah autocorrect, I saw that after I had already posted.
I'm just curious where in my post I made you believe I'm some kind of young jobless welfare mom who needs a man to put a roof over me and my kids? I'm very fortunate I don't have to work for the time being, most do not have that luxury. I wanted children back to back so I can get all that out of the way and then go back to work. Nothing was a mistake or "accident", it was very much planned this way. So sorry for bursting your bubble that I'm just some chick who's popping out babies left and right. So I take offense that you would assume without knowing my situation. Aside from his daughter and how he treats her that would be my only complaint bc like I said he lets her get away with murder. My oldest is always corrected as she should be when doing something she shouldn't. My only fear is eventually my kids will notice they are treated much differently then their "special" sister.
Yeah, we did two in 23 months
Yeah, we did two in 23 months for the same reason. I would have gone back to full time next fall then life hit the fan. If it makes you feel any better, SD is going to be so much older that she won't really be spending huge amounts of time with them when BK's will be old enough to remember. By the time your oldest is 7, she'll be 14(?) and based on my stepson 8/9th grade is school, homework and activities- we see him maybe 2-3 hours a day. Mine have noticed a few things and I tell them that DH and I make the rules for them and they can tell all about different parents, different rules. You parent yours, let DH parent his or not. Stay out of it unless it directly impacts health and safety. You are the only Mommy your kids have.
That's the thing though, she
That's the thing though, she would RATHER hang out and be with the babies. She has no friends I'm starting to suspect. She didn't want to have anyone over for a birthday party. She never gets invited to bday parties or kids houses. She claims she has friends in school but at 9 I was much more involved with friends
And just to add you have good
And just to add you have good advice if I didn't go to school yes I would be looking into it but I did it all throughout my 20s so I'm not arguing with you with what your saying, you gave good solid advice. If I ever decide to go that route, I can find a decent job
^^^THIS^^^ Who gives a fuck
^^^THIS^^^
Who gives a fuck what degree(s) someone has or doesn't have...seriously we are here for a reason...and that is to VENT and give/receive advice, support etc to other SPs...in case anyone forgot that...
You know that's why I stopped
You know that's why I stopped cooking for a while. I would make meals and she never ate them. That was when my oldest was not even 1 so it didn't matter bc she didn't eat yet. Now that she does it I do make dinners and SD doesn't always eat it. It used to bother me but now I don't care bc like I said now I'm cooking for my daughter as well and she eats what I make
Web cams. Get them, install
Web cams. Get them, install them, use them. Not in toilets of course but where she spends a lot of her time and where her violent actions can be captured. Then you sit her and DH down in front of the big screen, play her clips, and turn to the monster kid and say "If you ever touch your younger siblings again I will turn you over the edge of your bed and blister your ass with a belt. Never test me on this, you will regret it." then you turn to DH and say "If you ever doubt me again on the behavior of this little POS monster you and she will be out of this house instantly and I will own your ass for piles of child support until MY children are out of graduate school. Do not test me on this. You will now spank that monster child for all of the things I just demonstrated to you, you will do it now, and you will do it each and ever time she so much as twitches away from acceptable behavior or the rules of this home. Do not test me on this or I will make the rest of your life a living hell."
Then hand them each copies of the rules. I know, the monster 9yo can't read but that is not your problem. That is her problem.
eg.
1. Children will do what they are told when they are told to do it and will not complain.
2. People in this household will treat each other with respect and will not physically, verbally, or emotionally abuse each other.
3. Siblings will not fight with each other.
4. Older siblings will protect and mentor younger siblins. This is an inviolable act and if an older sibling physically attacks a younger sibling there will be sever consequences.
6. Parents will appropriate parent and discipline children and a parent who takes issue with the parenting or disciplinary performance of the other parent can step up and get it done before the other has to or be supportive.
5. Any violation of these or any other reasonable standards of behavior will result in severe consequences appropriate to the age of the violator.
This is not a class thing. I
This is not a class thing. I have a doctorate in education and it has nothing to do with preparing me for this stepmom journey. I have been working with youngsters for 38 years but in my own stepmom situation the anger, grief, hurt, etc. overtakes the intellectual side. What has helped me is the conversations with others in the same situation, lots of reading, meditation, and some counseling. When there is dysfunction and divorce someone has to be the target---usually it is the Stepmom or Dad. We need to nurture ourselves because no one else will.
One reason we have issues as
One reason we have issues as Stepmoms is because we are good hearted and maternal and we think that its the right thing to be mothering to the SKs. That is perceived as weakness and will lead to all sorts of using and hurt. I watched my SDs child for six months and she treated me like a hired help--she would come home with her BM and they would go for coffee once I left. I never got a cup of water. Even my DH told me to quit which I did. It goes against our maternal instinct to be distant and non-maternal but in the end this is how it will wind up. You will keep doing what you are doing until you get fed up naturally. It's a very sad situation. I have learned to place my goodness elsewhere with nieces and nephews who appreciate me and even better, aren't looking to see me down.