Out of control Step-Daughter.
I have found this site today and while I wouldn't usually blog about such a thing; I can't really take it anymore. My story starts six years ago when I met my Husband, we are a gay couple and he had a daughter from a previous marriage; she was 16 at the time. In the gay community; it's not uncommon for a man to be in a marriage with a woman out of fear of being judged or even hurt by family/others. He finally came out to his wife and she abused him and attempted to kill him until he had to leave and file for divorce; this is when I met him. We were friends at first and than we dated; his daughter would give him curfews and he always followed them; no matter what I would say. We were in love and saw past all this; I saw him through the end of his divorce and helped raise his daughter for all these years. I spent thousands to repair the house he won in his court battle as his ex wife trashed it and also helped with manual labor. My Husband is a good man; he's smart and loving and shows me care at times that no one ever has. This is why I took the risk to be with him; knowing that his daughter was a tyrant. He always said it was a "teenage problem"; and I believed him...
Sadly; it has been six years from hell. I love my Husband more than life itself but he has always taken her side in arguments and conversation. He has hours of private time with her daily and will do whatever she asks of him; even if I am home alone for much of the day during our free time. She turns him against me daily and has always ignored me through out most of the days, except when she decided to cause fights weekly to get her way. When she doesn't get her way; she turns her Dad against me where he tries to make me do what she says and we fight about it often. She will tell me that I am nothing; she does everything and I shouldn't even be here. She calls me awful names; talks over me and down to me; and asks her Father during fights to take her side and he always obliges to do so. Please, keep in mind I pay most of the bills; helped raise her and tried to assist her with daily needs. She's dropped out of school years ago, refuses to get her license and only does things with her Father. She just recently got money from SSI as she has a variety of anxiety/PTSD problems from her biological Mother. His daughter is 21 now and has always expected to convert her master bedroom that I had to give up for her into an apartment. Her Dad has screamed at me to allow this or threaten divorce but when the times comes; he can't bare to see me go. He has admitted that he can now deal with change and his daughter was the only person there for him when his ex wife abused him. Her biological Mother is also a tyrant and physically abusive; they are very similar. My Husband never takes my side with anything regarding his daughter; even to the point where I have had to help pay for things that involved her. Yet; when she has helped pay for things; she makes it quite clear that I am a loser who has never in six years helped with anything; stating that only she has taken care of her Father...
It feels like I am just alone and I have often felt afraid everyday when I wake up. Recently; it got so bad that for the first time in my life; I tried to commit suicide. I have sought help for this and have no intention of ever going to that dark place again. I decided it would be better to just leave this marriage than ever try something like that again. It was a very bad time and due to this, his daughter said she will be leaving to move in with her Mother. While I am so happy to see her go and as far away from me as possible; my Husband is miserable and barely speaks to me now. He tells me that he refuses to let me go and divorce will never happen but my gut tells me that this may not be the truth. I just don't know what to do and need imput on how others feel who have gone through this. I have so much more to tell but I feel that this is a good starting point.
I'm sorry. I have been in
I'm sorry. I have been in your shoes for the past 6 months since my husband decided to blindside me with divorce over this daughter. I was beyond depressed and also considered ending my life. I felt I had nothing left to live for. I'm getting better, even though there are still some awful days. You will get better as well, it just takes time. Sometimes I cannot believe how naive I was about becoming a step-parent.
Your DH wants to have both of you in his life, yet he treats you like garbage. He has enough guilt about her mother to sink the Titanic, and it may be insurmountable. I suggest you to seek couples counseling if he is agreeable to it. Tell him its a matter of saving your marriage. Do not budge. I think crappy parents are afraid to go to counseling because they know the therapist will see right through the BS and call them out on their shittay parenting.
Thank-you for your advice. We
Thank-you for your advice. We are in the process of signing up for couples counselling, I feel like this is going to be a very long and difficult road. I am sorry to hear as well with what is happening to you; I often wonder what drives a man to become a servant or act as if he's "married" to his own adult child; I may never know.
Thank-you for your kind
Thank-you for your kind words. My DH is willing to go to couples counselling with me. Other than this; he continues to blame me as the reason why his daughter is leaving. She has threatened to leave for years if she never got her way and he has done everything to prevent that from happening. She's only leaving now because her over-bearing Mother is buying a house and wants to stick her on it so she can do so. My SD wants everything to be hers and thinks this might be a way to have her own home since she knows she will never be able to own one on her own. She also tells my Husband all the time that she no longer feels safe here since I tried to commit suicide. She blames me for everything and tries to make everything about her; offering no support or kindness; not once in six years. Every moment she gets him alone; she uses it to talk and belittle me. What she chooses to forget is her attempted suicide where her Father and I tried to help her for years; where I would cater to whatever her Father wanted just to see her become "better". Currently; she ignores me and pulls her Dad away from me when she enters a room to speak privately with only him; she's done this for years.
I am amazed at how many of
I am amazed at how many of you wrote back so quickly; it really makes me feel like I'm not so alone.
Thank-you again everyone. My
Thank-you again everyone. My Husband and I are still planning to work things out. She is moving out and trying to turn him against me at every turn. Does not speak to me but will privately slander me to her Father. She is also doing a great job at writing our mutual friends on Facebook, including my family; slandering me and trying to destroy relationships with people she barely knows just to hurt me. It's difficult living where I am; knowing she's here just to cause problems for me. Her Father still holds onto the hope that she will stay and I will "just have to deal with it", as he has stated. He will not budge on his opinion that he wants this even though she says she will definitely go...It's very up in the air right now and I'm quite out of the loop since I have to practically pry information out of him to know what is going on. It also leaves me sitting in my room while she comes out to the common areas to scream and blame me for everything that has gone wrong in her life. As if it's my fault that she wouldn't get her GED, license or life experience over six years? I offered to help with everything while she put it off and blamed me for trying since she's just seen my attempts to help as a way to force her into doing things she doesn't want. Yet, when she says she wants those things; she only blames me for the reason why she doesn't have them. I am really at a loss but know that everything in my life has been set up around my Husband; to start over causes so much fear that I am afraid to wake up some mornings.
This is a really tough one.
This is a really tough one. Based on the timing of everything, I am pretty certain the girl thinks you "turned her dad gay and ruined her happy family". Yeah.. that's not possible, but all she knows is you come in the picture and her life implodes. Now, she may have already been on her way to hot-mess-ville but she sees you as a convenient scapegoat for her problems.
Unfortunately, it's hard for bio parents to completely turn their backs on their kids no matter how terrible they are acting. To be honest, the girl probably has a LOT of anger at her parents.. dad especially but you are the easy target because you are the outsider to her. She probably even is mad at herself for not doing the right things in life.. but again..it's easier to project blame outward vs take responsibility for our own actions.
Here's to hoping that you can work through this with him and that ultimately she will go on to lead whatever "life" she wants. She isn't gonna want to live with daddy forever. It may mean you aren't going to be a big part of his family life though.. and that probably sucks. Counseling for the two of you and for her would help I'm sure.