How soon before I can comfortably call the step kids my family?
Forums:
My husband has two teenage boys. We got married in Sept 2015. They visit every single weekend. I feel society telling me to start calling them my family. I'm unclear on this. I don't feel like they are mine at all. We don't have great bonds. We all like each other well enough BUT everything take times I keep hearing. How much time should I give it till I'm comfortable saying this is my family?
The best thing you can do for
The best thing you can do for yourself is to quit worrying about what "they" say you should do or what "they" say you should feel. Most of your posts include a phrase about "they" saying you should behave in a certain way. You need to do what is best for you and your marriage. Quit worrying about what "society" or his family think about you.
Some step-parents refer to their skids as family and some don't. You should do it if and when you feel like you are all a family. That may never happen and it is not a bad thing if you never feel that way.
Personally I have never considered my skids family and I know I never will. No big deal. I can't think of anyone in my life who thinks I should think of them that way.
My DH calls my kids his
My DH calls my kids his family but I don't call his kids mine. I say they are DH's family, sons, DIL, gskids...ect. At one time I would have loved to call ss's, DIL and gskids "my" family, but it is what it is. Skids are both grown men and have major loyalty issues to their mother. ss30 has been openly hostile to me from day 1; ss26 has always acted conflicted like he wants to like me but can't like me too much or ss30 and BM will get mad.
That sounds really
That sounds really frustrating.
. Your situation is completely understandable.
It makes my skin crawl when I
It makes my skin crawl when I hear people tell me that I finally have a family. I've always wanted kids of my own. It just never panned out that way. I just don't feel the relief that I now have a family. I've have been saying for years that I feel I'm missing out on what everyone else has. This just isn't the same. I scream that every time I hear people tell me that. I didn't have these feelings till I got married I guess because I always saw then as his kids not my family. I don't feel I gained a family, I feel I gained a husband that had kids. This makes me feel awful!
I do not refer to my spouses
I do not refer to my spouses son as my step son. I don't even refer to him as SS13 on this site when I am writing in forms. However, I think things take time and it depends on the situation in your home, your family with step kids. Some step families are blessed to have a happily blended family where step parents look at their step children as family and they do family things together, there is respect for one another, trust, and I know step moms who consider their step children as their own. Other step families go through a lot of stress and disrespect and it is hard. I think the answer to your question is how "you" feel, not about how anyone else feels. You are the person in this life. You are the one feeling certain emotions. As long as your showing respect towards your step children and not physically, verbally,emotionally or mentally abusing them you are not doing anything wrong. I always think of it as, how would I want someone to treat my children.
This always comes up - "how
This always comes up - "how would I want someone to treat my children." I don't have any, but my bf has a daughter. So whenever we get into it about her, he always says that if I had children, he'd love them like his own. Well, easy to say when you're not put into that situation. So I ask myself, if I had a kid, would I NEED him to treat/acknowledge them as his own family, or would being nice and respectful to them be enough? Also hard to answer as this is not my reality either. I'd imagine it might be different if one of the parents were gone or completely crazy and unstable, but as it stands now, his daughter has 2 fully alive, fully capable parents that she spends every other week with - they just don't happen to live together anymore.
They're family if and when
They're family if and when you have a bond that feels like family. Marrying somebody with kids does not make an instant family. People who haven't experienced step life frequently just don't get it.
I generally get along well with my adult skids. But I don't feel a family connection with them like I do with my bios or even my siblings. But I include them in family things because it makes DH happy and they are generally fine to be around these days.
"They" don't get to determine how you should think and feel, and somebody telling you that you should or should not feel a certain way isn't helpful--in fact it's hurtful. That's way overstepping. Even if you WANTED them to feel like family but it just isn't happening for you, that's ok. Nothing to feel awful about.
DH and my dogs are my family.
DH and my dogs are my family. Not my SS19.
It's your time there is no schedule..
It is all in your time and your schedule. It may feel like there is pressure to rush this but the truth is you may never feel like they are yours. You can definitely create a strong bond and great relationships if it works out that way but just because you do or don't doesn't mean there is anything worrying with you or the relationship...
Don't ever worry about what others ideals of you are only think about what is right for you. Don't pressure yourself just let it be what it is.
Any time you want... or not.
Any time you want... or not.