I don't know what to do. What would you do?
I have been with my partner for over 2 years and we have lived together for a little over a year. He has 2 children (girl 14 and boy 10) and I have never had an issue with them at all. They don't have a set pattern for being here as my partner works shifts.
His ex is difficult. I have never met anyone like her and she is so unpredictable. From when I first met the children (4 months in) she had no problem with me looking after the children when my partner was at work - sometimes she wanted to go out and sometimes I guess she just wanted a break.
Some of her friends have recently commented to her that she doesn't have the children enough and that when they do stuff (crafts / baking etc) it is always with me. I guess they thought it would make her step up and do more. Instead she has now said that they can't be here when their dad is at work.
I don't know what to do. She has done some awful things to me and said some terrible stuff. She has decided that she hates me now as I have an easy life. That isn't true and honestly most of her problems are what she has caused herself. Somehow even through she damaged my stuff and stole from me (but she seems to be trying to frame her daughter for the theft) I am the bad one.
I have never had to deal with this sort of thing before. I was brought up to treat people with respect and that you work for what you want. It is getting to me as she has turned the whole situation around and is making out that it is my fault and that I am the one in the wrong. Goodness only knows what she is saying to the children when they are with her but they never speak up to her as she just blows up.
Any advice would be appreciated. 
Don't worry about it or get
Don't worry about it or get involved. Let their parents hash it out.
My worry is that banning them
My worry is that banning them from staying when their dad is at work is just one step from banning them being here when I am here. My partner can't go without seeing his kids - he is the only normality that they have.
I don't know if I should carry on as I was or if I should do less with the children. There have been a few comments when his daughter has told her mum about baking etc that we have done that I am lucky to have time to do stuff like that. But I am working and studying and she doesn't do either.
It is scary to think how damaged the children must be. If there is a blow up with their mum (screaming / swearing / threats) they aren't allowed to mention it to her. It is like it never happened in her mind and she can do no wrong.
What does the court order
What does the court order say? That should be the ruling guide. It can be enforced. And she can't make up stuff like they can't be there if you are- the court order will have set hours on it.
Further to that how do you know what her friends are saying? Do you have shared friends and if so can you ask them to not say anything anymore cause of the negative effect it has had.
At the end of the day tho, the harsh reality is there are not your children. You have no claim and they should only be there to see dad. I know you are a kind person who obv has a big heart and you have taken it on yourself to do your best by the children - that's great and I have all the time in the world for that. But at the end of the day they should be taken care of by their parents.
Now about this stealing and destruction of property what the hell is going on? And she is trying to frame her daughter? Wtf?
Can you set up cameras or nanny cams to gather evidence against her? You may not like that but it would prove things once and for all
There is no court order -
There is no court order - just shared care. All was amicable at the time of divorce (way before I met him) but she has become more unstable and demanding as time has gone on.
No shared friends but she gets worked up and over shares with my partner - this time it was expecting him to say how unfair and out of line her friends were. Their dad does the parenting of them - it is more that she was happy to drop them off with me (up to 9 hours early) when he was working so the children got used to it. Now she has decided that I only do things with the children to make her look bad.
She came to the house when my partner and the children were here (I was at work) and was worked up about something so the kids didn't want to go with her. So then she went upstairs (to use the loo) but stole some stuff from my bedroom and then shouted, screamed and knocked over stuff in the garden. She has planted evidence in her daughter's bag that she brought here. Her daughter thinks it is so she has someone to blame if accused. No surprise at all to her daughter that she would do this. Both kids seem to just accept that this is how their mother is. She hasn't been back in the house and I haven't seen her since - she is presenting this as her banning me from her house though.
My partner worries about
My partner worries about going the legal route as, at the moment he knows what his ex is up to whereas when he tried fighting back before she became awkward and really tried to turn the kids against him.
She has spent years teaching the kids that she is the victim and that they need to look after her. My partner tries (gently) to correct this but they seem to feel guilty. His thoughts at the moment are that the children are gradually seeing through her and getting to see the real her and that her way isn't the only way. The problem is that if he goes the legal route she will see this as an attack and so will the children causing them to become more protective of her.
I think it is because at the moment she has her friends noticing that she doesn't do much with the kids. She has even had them lie to their Nanna (her mother) to say that they are staying with their mum rather than their dad.
If dad isn't there, the kids
If dad isn't there, the kids should be with mom. Why complain about mom not treating you like the hired help? :?
As long as she isn't keeping the kids away from dad, she isn't doing anything wrong.
The kids aren't with mum when
The kids aren't with mum when they are "with her" though - they are with her boyfriend or mother. The kids were choosing to be here and it made it easier all around as their dad didn't have to worry about them while he was at work.
She does keep them away from him (often saying that he will never see the kids again then switching to he can have them full time in the same argument - all said in front of the kids) but as soon as she needs something it is as though the argument never happened.
Hmm this is tough - I think
Hmm this is tough - I think you are going to have to go the legal route as otherwise it will get to the point that she will be able to say unless worried worrier is gone two hours and the house is dusted to my degree of standard on inspection then you are not getting the kids. A court order will force her hand and she will have to give the kids over.
I can see how you may be concerned about them being poisoned against you- but these kids seem pretty cottoned on to who mom is - like they know she will attempt to frame them for theft and that - so I don't know how much the poison will work
I still think installing cameras in communal areas may help- and it may give you proof for court as well
Other options
Step back and enjoy the time to yourself. Kids should be with parent not you no matter how nice you are.
Or
step back and let this phase pass. When her friends find out she is withholding the kids- and if your partner knows any way to get that info out to her friends without looking like a jerk get it out. She is withholding kids, we are so sad, blah blah blah. Then when they say that you may get kids more so she doesn't look like cow. This option however is a nuclear one and one I do not recommend going right to cause they will be fall out
Try mediation or the legal route first. If they can go to mediation hammer out an agreement and stick to it that would be best for everyone
That's really all o can think of option wise
I amnt really sure if it helps
I was more shocked than her
I was more shocked than her daughter that her mother had tried to frame her. It wasn't that we made her think that either - she came right out and said it straight away. I don't know what that does to a child. They see this bad side of her but she is still their mum and they don't ever stand up to her. They have seen her choose previous boyfriends over them and yet forgive her instantly.
Anything official and legal will be seen as an attack so she would go on the defensive and guilt trip the kids. They seem to believe it is their job to keep her happy. She encourages her daughter to be a mini mum to her little brother which causes all sorts of issues especially when they are here as that is not something my partner encourages at all.
It just seems insane that even though she is the one who stole etc. she is spinning it as though I am the bad one.
The kids seem to have totally different expectations from each parent so they accept and expect that she will do stuff without them, let them go without while she enjoys herself and break promises constantly but their dad is expected to be perfect for them and to do everything. Even with normal stuff like she hasn't made them a school packed lunch in years and it is fine and just normal to them. Plus she never does anything school related - no trip organisation, no sports days, no parent's evenings and no homework. I always assumed the resident parent would be the one held to higher standards.
Let it go and spend that time
Let it go and spend that time doing things you enjoy, wait a few months and watch how the kids magically come back to your house when bm wants to go out and get free babysitting out of you.
I hope she gets over it. The
I hope she gets over it. The double standard where her boyfriend (and previous boyfriends) have been able to look after the kids when she is out and that is fine and nothing to do with my partner but that she can stop them being here with me is annoying.
The kids are so brainwashed by her. They are better than a year or so ago as now they can see that she does stuff wrong and causes her own problems but she has trained them to see her as the victim and there is a lot of guilt there.
I feel sad for the kids as
I feel sad for the kids as they don't seem to have a stable female influence around them. It is amazing to see them blossom as they have been told so many times that they will fail and are bad at things. When really they have so much potential. I think it has been noticed by the ex's family / friends that the kids choose to be with me even if their dad is at work.
Before I met the children she did try to poison them against me and be awkward. Telling them things like I was taking their dad away from them and having them call him upset when she knew we were together. But after I met the kids it was as though they were shocked that I wasn't a monster.
This isn't a situation I have been in before ...... never dated a father or lived with anyone before. Not that I am some youngster though!
He does all the parenting / discipline when he is here and the odd times something has come up while he has been away he has believed me. But as a general rule the kids behave for me.
Marriage / children is not an issue as it is highly unlikely that he would do either again.
Not all stepkids turn bad and
Not all stepkids turn bad and if you enjoy their company and dad doesn't mind and trusts you then enjoy them while you can. If mom doesn't allow it there's not much YOU can do. That's between her and their dad. I admire your kind heart and think it's good for them to have someone they can look up to. Just because you are not related or married to their dad does not mean you shouldn't look out for their best interests while you can. I'd do the same in your shoes.
I am hoping they don't turn
I am hoping they don't turn bad - I think that would break my heart!
My partner has said that when they are with me (say if he is at work) he knows he doesn't have to worry about them. I don't know about them looking up to me though - I don't feel like role model material.
It is more that after 2 years
It is more that after 2 years she has decided that I can't have the kids on my own (makes it easier sometimes for the school run when my partner is on shift) but that her boyfriend of less than 5 months can watch the kids alone if she wants.
It isn't that their mother wants them with her as she tends to leave them with her own mother or boyfriend so she can go out.
As the mother,she gets to
As the mother,she gets to make that call. Dad can do the same to her,but he's making the choice not to do so.
Those are not your children. BM does not have to consider/include you in anything
Dad doesn't do the same to
Dad doesn't do the same to her - she doesn't tell him when she is leaving the kids with her boyfriend but the kids know my work schedule and their dad's.
Oh I know I have no rights
Oh I know I have no rights but it seems unfair that she has all the power. She uses the kids as weapons - she knows he won't walk away from his kids ever.
It isn't my house although it was my stuff that was damaged and went missing.
She likes to invite herself around when the kids are here (especially if they have been with us for 4 or more nights) and I am really starting to think there is something mentally wrong with her. It isn't normal adult behaviour - it is like she thinks the world owes her everything she wants and she shouldn't have to work for it or deal with any consequences.
Give it some time, and enjoy
Give it some time, and enjoy that time away. My guess is that as soon as this BM has to actually be THE Mom, she'll be sending them right back to you. She's just jealous because the kids like you, and because her friends are pointing that out. Funny thing is, she could have been having the same fun with them as you do.... all she has to do is be a mom. This is HER issue, don't make it yours. Trust me, if you don't choose this battle, she probably won't wage war. These types of BM's are more worried about appearances than substance, lol.
She could so easily do stuff
She could so easily do stuff with the kids - they always are so excited to go to the park or bake or do crafts. Stuff that doesn't cost much more than time.
She doesn't seem to care that she upsets the kids and hurts them. I just don't get it.
Court order with first right
Court order with first right of refusal - that should make mom and dad happy.
Mum is only happy with all
Mum is only happy with all the power and with her perfect mother image intact. She likes to pretend to her friends and family that she has the kids the majority of the time and that my partner does nothing.
I agree with Disneyfan. As
I agree with Disneyfan. As a non-married person, you have zero rights re: the child/visitation, anything. It is solely between the child's parents. When dad isn't home, the child should be with the mother. How she chooses to raise her child, what she does with the child, it isn't your business. It will affect you when you have the child, i.e. the upbringing, but you have no say and this is where you need to determine whether you want to have this permanently as your life. It doesn't get better. In a perfect world all parents would be real parents and not just sperm donors and incubators. All children would be polite and charming and not annoying. Some people have great situations, most do not. As someone who isn't married yet, rethink this situation.
It just seems unfair that
It just seems unfair that their mother can decide that I can't have them on my own but they can stay with her boyfriend of only a few months and that is fine. She has such double standards though.
In a perfect world I would settle for her just being a rational person who didn't use her children as weapons. Those kids have so much potential but she puts them down so often and they believe every word.
I didn't really know what to expect as I have never dated someone with kids before - I had never met someone like his ex before.
Ex's are crazy. Today it
Ex's are crazy. Today it seems that people, not just women, are under a cluster cloud of stupid and border on pathological. They are allowed to do whatever they want and next to committing a criminal act that would get them locked up, society and we have to deal with them. My SD BM falls into the category of pathological, if she says the sky is blue, go check. It is so bizarre I can't even write about it. The Court's allow their behavior, there is no where to turn when this type of crazy is legal.
She truly is crazy. She goes
She truly is crazy. She goes through phases of being almost normal (usually coincides with a new boyfriend) but it never lasts long. It is like she has no conscience and doesn't care who gets hurt as long as she gets her own way.
I used to counsel people
I used to counsel people going through separation/divorce...and it is like each scenario was cookie cutter. Different face, same words/actions, you could almost time it to the moon cycles, no joke. If they have another diversion, i.e. boyfriend (my SD BM can't get one and it is no wonder, omg I can't even go there on how disgusting she is and how she raises SD), but they get a boyfriend, they are on their high cycle and all is peachy, just about, once the guy realizes he is with a nutcase, boom, she's back to being the Bride of Chuckie. They are more than the me/me/me, it is psychotic and there are NO boundaries. None. They just have the idea that they are entitled to anything and your home, your life, they don't care. It is a different "zone" they live in mentally and that is their reality.
Oh hell yes. You nailed
Oh hell yes. You nailed it.
So many times I've heard out of DH's mouth "Well, I guess she no longer has a boyfriend." It always coincided with the return of copious amounts of angry, demanding and pointless emails.
This latest stuff is while
This latest stuff is while she has a boyfriend (normally it does fit the normal routine though) but this one comments on her parenting whereas the previous ones didn't seem fussed.
Entitlement is exactly it - she feels she deserves everything she wants without having to work for it. It is unbelievable when she complains that she only bought one pair of shoes this week then in the next breath says she can't afford school shoes for the kids.
SD is a 14 year old girl.
SD is a 14 year old girl.
She has a fair bit of attitude but I remember it being a tough age and I didn't have all the stuff that she is dealing with going on.
The thing is that I do care where the kids are and who looks after them. My partner does too of course. I love those kids and want the best for them - not monetary stuff (treats sometimes) but they have so much potential and they really are lovely kids.
My worry is that if I start saying no to the kids being here (and that isn't always possible as sometimes she has just dropped them off and left) that she will turn it around and make it sound like I don't want the kids here. And that isn't true. This is their home and hopefully offers them some stability. Ex moves quite often and last time didn't even let the kids collect their stuff and just picked up some of their things and left the others. SD still talks about an ornament that she misses so she keeps her sentimental stuff here.
SD is ill so can't really be
SD is ill so can't really be left alone. Plus she is a weird combination of young for her age but has a lot of responsibility for her brother when they are with their mum.
SD gets it and can see her mum being unreasonable. But the kids never stand up to their mum. One time SD tried it over a previous boyfriend of her mum's (mum had promised to spend time with the kids but BF was always there) and got told that that mum wasn't going to let the kids dictate her life to her. SD does call most times but I think ex maybe tells her that it is already arranged. I don't have much direct contact with the ex - she goes through my partner - but sometimes the kids will ring and say mum is going to ask if we can be dropped off please say yes.
I think she is using me too. And it bothers me that she has the power not that the kids are here more.
I think courts and custody
I think courts and custody battles would push the kids back towards their mum as they would feel like they had to protect her.
I have never tried that. I just saw it as black and white and focussed on them feeling welcome here and like they have a real home. Maybe I am too protective of them!
My partner and I try to present a united front and to show that we are a team. The kids found this odd at first (even thought it was strange that we would split chores) and there was a bit of low level behaviour as they tried to find out if they could play us off against each other.
I am sure the kids will at
I am sure the kids will at some point play everyone off against everyone else. I remember doing that to my mum and dad and they were together.
They don't really have chores with their mum but do here - I thought it would be the opposite way around as the ex will pay them to do chores when things get really messy but here chores are part of being a responsible family member. This is a much stricter house. They have to do homework here and have bedtimes and screen limits. We do fun stuff together and discipline is my partner's role so maybe they don't see me as strict. Sometimes they moan about the rules here as it is stricter now. When I first met my partner his work schedule meant he only had the kids on weekends so he didn't give them jobs to do but some weeks they are here 5 nights now.
you say she hates you because
you say she hates you because of your lifestyle.
nothing will cure jealousy. she is unhappy in herself and taking it out on you.
i agree that the children need a more stable and less petty women in their lives.
take the high road and stay out of it. its not your problem.
and then go shopping and buy yourself a knockout dress and bag and wear them in from of bm!
I think she has just decided
I think she has just decided that I have an easy life. She makes comments that I am lucky to have time to do stuff with the kids (such as baking) but I work and study and she does neither. She is always busy though!